For Just This Moment

For Just This Moment

You are a liar, and you lie about the things you haven't forgotten. You are getting ready to take a shower so you can go to bed and not sleep. As you take off your robes, you catch sight of yourself in the mirror. You have gotten far too skinny, and your hair is too bushy. It is almost comical, and you want to cry.

The water is cold. Your heart is cold. You wash your hair and feel it, soft and manageable for just this moment. You lean against the shower wall and let yourself breathe for a while.

You can't stop the thoughts from coming. You hate the words "what" and "if." You hate that you remember the last thing you said before -

Suddenly, the water turns hot, hotter than fire. You stumble from the shower, and the fog all around you is choking you. You shut the water off. You open the door and let the coolness in. You stand in the doorway naked for a minute, and you don't want to open your eyes to what is all around you; you don't want to see through the fog; you want to be blinded by the tears that you can't cry.

After that, you remember who is so close, probably sleeping, in the living room. You close the door.

---

You walk past him without looking at him, but he calls you to him. He puts his hand in your wet hair and asks if he can braid it for you. He knows you never wear your hair down anymore, because it makes you feel so silly, flying everywhere when you walk, falling into your face all the time.

The way he looks at you makes you wish, for the seventy thousandth time, that you could tell the truth, if only just to him. And when he braids your hair, his large hands gentler than ever before, brushing against your cold neck, you force the words out.

"I can't do it, Ron." He murmurs at that, but doesn't speak. "I've tried to kill all this guilt in me, all this horrible feeling, but I can't."

He puts a hand on your shoulder. "Maybe, instead of killing it, you should let it free." He changed when you had locked yourself away. Without Harry to follow, he became someone new. You aren't sure about him now. You don't know how to talk about things with a Ron who is more mature than you. You shrug.

When he finishes your braid, he kisses your cheek and whispers something gentle in your ear. He is worried about you and sees that your eyes are so, so tired. "I love you, Hermione."

You make some sort of agreeing noise in your throat. It will have to do for an "I love you, too" because you can't yet say it. He is okay with this, somehow. "Are you going home?"

"Yes," he says. "Mum is working tonight, and Ginny -"

"I understand." He stands before you for a moment, but he doesn't look awkward or afraid. He kisses you on the mouth for the first time.

You sleep, though just for an hour or so, that night.