Before the Moon Rises

BEFORE THE MOON RISES

Broken Memories

Chapter Nineteen

"So afraid to love you more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me chose
Once there was a darkness a deep and endless night
Gave me everything you had, oh, you gave me light."--Sarah McLachlan

June 1998

Hermione stood in the center of a busy waiting room. People were moving all around her. She could vaguely hear their shouts of celebration, their cries of joy. Frozen in her spot and unable to move a step more, she was bombarded by memories of her own.

There was a fire burning at her feet. It threatened to engulf her if she didn't move.

"Get away from there, Hermione!" Harry yelled from somewhere behind her. In an instant, he was at her side and pulling her away just as a bright jet of purple light shot past her face.

She and Harry ran, finding Ron along the way. They were panting and throwing hexes and spells as they ran. Off to Hermione's right she heard a scream and someone fall, hitting the ground with a dull thud. She turned her head and stopped, pausing to see the witch's face--something she would constantly regret doing--why must she always see their faces?

She knelt down beside Padma Patil.

"Come on, Hermione!" Ron yelled.

"Go on. I'll be right behind you," she called back. The two boys hesitated momentarily and then continued on their way.

She cradled Padma's head in her arms. The young witch's long black hair hung loosely all around them.

"Can you hear me?" Hermione asked.

Padma's eyes fluttered open and she winced. "Hermione? Is that you?"

"Yes, it's me," Hermione said, brushing stray hairs from her face. Padma coughed and shuddered in her arms.

"It's hard to breathe," she said shakily.

Hermione held her wand up and cast sparks from it. Those few sparks would call a Mediwitch to their side. "Someone will be here soon and you'll be okay."

Padma looked up heavenward and her eyes filled with tears she could not control. "Will," she coughed, "will the sky ever be blue again?"

Hermione looked up at the sky. How had she never noticed? Everything seemed grey and overcast, covered in a thick layer of ash. Everything felt like death, smelled like death and looked like death or just on the verge of dying, exhaling the last breath of life. She couldn't even remember when it had all changed. She swallowed and looked down at Padma.

"Yes, of course it will."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Yes," Hermione said honestly. Although I'm not sure if I will ever care again, she thought.

"Good," she whispered. Her body shuddered in Hermione's arms.

Padma closed her eyes and Hermione feared she had died. A Mediwitch appeared by her side and took Padma from her.

"Is she--?" Hermione could not form the word on her tongue.

"No," the Mediwitch said, "not yet."

"Hermione!" Ron called from far away. She looked up and saw him standing near Harry, fighting frantically. She gripped her wand tightly and ran toward them--Padma was briefly forgotten because this War was far from over...

"Can you believe it?!" a young blonde witch asked excitedly, grabbing Hermione's arm and pulling her out of her thoughts. Hermione blinked slowly at the young girl and tried to smile. "The War is over! We've been saved once again by Harry Potter!" she said, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

And along with the rest of the unfortunate ones. I was there, too, she thought but did not say.

The young witch bounded off and grouped with another swarm of people who were laughing and talking in loud excited voices. Hermione pushed through the crowd slowly and stood at the receptionist's desk.

"Can I help you? Do you need medical attention?" the witch asked kindly.

Hermione turned her gaze to a mirror beside the receptionist's desk. Her mouth dropped open slightly. She was definitely a sight. Her hair had grown out much too long, dragging the weight of her curls down her back. It was tangled and in need of a good brushing, but who had had the time for such pleasantries? Her face was cut and stained with lots of tiny lines of dried blood. It looked as though she'd lost a fight with a rose bush.

"Do you need someone to look at those cuts?" the witch asked from behind the desk.

Hermione looked back at her. "No, that won't be necessary," she said quietly. But the cuts inside, would you like to see those? I'm not sure there is a cure for all this has left behind.

"What can I help you with then?"

"I'm here to see," she paused and cast her eyes down to her bruised hands, "I would like to see Remus Lupin."

"I'm sorry Miss. Mr. Lupin is in a restricted ward. No one is allowed--"

Hermione held up her official Order of the Phoenix badge.

"--oh, I'm terribly sorry, Miss Granger. Of course, you can see him." The witch stood to her feet and pointed. "Follow the hall to the left all the way down to the end. Show your badge at the door and they'll take you right in. Mr. Potter is in there as well."

"Thank you," Hermione whispered quietly as she walked away and pushed herself back through the crowd of celebrating witches and wizards. She felt slightly jealous that they could be so joyous when she felt so...empty.

* * * *

Hermione walked down the long hallway and stopped when she neared the end. A tall wizard wearing long, black robes stood up in front of the door when she walked closer. He was a large figure and Hermione supposed he was someone who did not like to be played with. She held out her badge to him.

"I know who you are," he said in a loud booming voice that startled her with its deepness.

"Oh," she said, now standing in front of him.

He held out his hand and she hesitantly put hers out as well. He gripped her hand tightly but not painfully and shook it, smiling as he did so. "Thank you, Miss Granger. It's an honor to meet you," he said as he stepped aside, opened the door and motioned her inside.

Hermione was too surprised to say anything in return. She tried to smile and nodded her head feebly as she walked inside the room and glanced around. It was dimly lit and as quiet as a cemetery--funny how that image was the one to pop into her head--death.

She took a few more steps forward and saw Remus lying in a long narrow bed, covered in a thin white sheet up to his neck. Just on the other side of him was Harry, lying quietly. She could see the rise and fall of his chest. A nurse bustled over to her and smiled.

"Evening, Miss Granger. How are you?"

Hermione was once again surprised to have a complete stranger greet her by name. "I'm...here."

"Come to see Mr. Potter, I presume," the nurse said and gripped Hermione's upper arm and walked her over to Harry's bed. "He's doing just fine, just fine, Miss. I've given him a Sleeping potion so he should be waking up in the next little bit. Would you like to have a chair?" Hermione looked over her shoulder at Remus. The nurse raised her eyebrows. "Come to see, Mr. Lupin, as well? Yes, yes, of course you have. He was a good friend, too, I know. I'll get you a chair and you can sit wherever you like," she said, walking away quickly.

Hermione touched Harry's forehead. He felt warm--a good sign. "Hey, Harry. I'm so," she swallowed, "so proud of you. Everything will be okay now. Ron's at home at the Burrow, and Ginny, too. Neville's grandmother took him home earlier. He was asking about you. I told him I'd keep him posted."

The nurse stood at her side, holding a chair. "Where would you like this, Miss?"

Hermione paused, took a deep breath and said, "Over by Mr. Lupin, if you don't mind."

"Not at all."

"I'll see you soon, Harry," Hermione said as she leaned over and kissed his forehead.

She turned around and walked back to Remus' side. The nurse had slid the chair up next to his bed. "Thank you," Hermione said to her.

"Of course. Let me know if you need anything. Are you hungry? Thirsty?"

"No," Hermione said, stopping to try and remember the last time she'd eaten or drank...or even slept. "I'm fine, thank you."

"Call me if you change your mind," the nurse said kindly.

Hermione turned back to Remus. He was lying motionless on his bed. He looked so weary--how could he look weary while he slept? She wanted to reach out and touch his hand but she was afraid. Slowly, she moved her hand out toward his. When her fingers touched his, she felt her suppressed sadness explode inside her chest; another memory crowded her thoughts.

There were bodies everywhere--some dead, some crying, others eerily silent. Sweat was pouring down Hermione's face and she tried not to concentrate on the wizard that had just toppled near her feet. She stifled a sob at the recognition of his face.

"Focus!" Harry yelled behind her. He barreled past her and she gathered her wits, following him...maybe to her imminent death. Suddenly Ron was at her side, and even though the world around them had turned to absolute chaos, she knew she was right where she should be.

A curse from across the field slammed Hermione directly in her chest and sent her flying off of her feet.

"Hermione!" Ron yelled in fear. "Harry you go on, find the bastard and kill him," Ron said darkly. "Kill him!"

Ron bent down beside Hermione and was greatly relieved to see her open her eyes slowly.

"Damn it," she mumbled as Ron helped her into a sitting position, while still keeping a wary eye on the action around them. "That hurt."

"You're bleeding," he said, handling her gently and wiping at her forehead.

Hermione turned her head and rubbed a knot that was surely forming on the back of her skull. A witch was lying near her in the scorched grass, eyes open and a thin line of blood trailing down from her mouth.

Tears sprang into her eyes. "Is that...Hannah?" she choked.

Ron grabbed her face and turned her eyes away. "Not now, Hermione. We can grieve later. Right now we have to focus on what we're doing here. We have to help Harry, do you hear me?" he said, his voice full of a newfound authority and Hermione nodded her head weakly in understanding. There would be plenty of time to grieve later--assuming they all lived through this.

Ron pulled her to her feet and they looked around quickly. The "battlefield" was littered with bodies and flashes of light seemed to be everywhere they turned. The fight was raging on, but where was Harry?

"He's over there," Hermione said, pointing across from them.

"And he's found him," Ron said, gritting his teeth in anger.

"Come on--" Hermione began before her words died on her lips.

Not far from Harry, Remus Lupin was heatedly fighting his own battle. An unknown follower of Voldemort spoke some sort of spell, and Remus could not mutter the countercurse fast enough. The blue light hit him in the stomach, and Hermione could not turn her eyes away.

Remus' body folded in half; his feet lifted from the ground, and for Hermione, it was like watching him in slow motion...painfully slow. His body was limp and lifeless as it flew through the air. Hermione hadn't realized she was moving, but she was.

"REMUS!" she screamed, running for him with all of her might. She passed witches and wizards, some standing, some not, and raced to his side. His body had slapped the ground with callous force.

"Oh, God, no, please no," she whispered, tears already falling from her eyes and forgetting it was not yet time to grieve. She fell down onto her knees by his side. One of his legs was twisted at an odd angle and blood was trickling from a gash on his cheek.

Ron was by her side in an instant, "Is he okay?"

Hermione laid her head on his chest, listening for a heartbeat--and it was there. "Yes. I--I think so."

"Okay, stay here with him for a minute. I'll send a Medic." And Ron was gone.

She looked back down at Remus' face. He looked so tired and pained; even in his sleep he found no peace. She ripped part of her cloak into a small shred of cloth and pressed it to Remus' cheek.

"Come on, Remus. You can beat this. You're going to be okay," she whispered, pushing his sweat-drenched hair back from his face. All of her anger and bitterness towards him briefly disappeared--the thought of losing him on this level...death...was much too great for her to bear. She dropped her forehead onto his chest. "Come on, Remus. You can't die, too. I--I love you."

Remus groaned and his eyes opened slowly. His pupils were dilated and he found it hard to focus. Hermione lifted her head up quickly. "Hermione?" he asked hoarsely.

"Remus..." she said, smiling weakly. "You're going to be okay."

He nodded, closed his eyes and lifted his arm slowly. Hermione wasn't sure what he was doing but she knew soon enough. With the back of his fingers, he touched her cheek. Hermione clenched her eyes closed, afraid that tears might begin to fall again. She grabbed his hand with both of hers and kissed it.

"You're going to be okay," she said in a wavering voice.

"Okay, Ginny's going to attend to him, Hermione," Ron said, arriving at her side again. "Come on. We've got to go. He'll be okay." Ron tugged at Hermione's arm as Ginny dropped down on Remus' other side.

"I'll watch over the Professor," Ginny replied and Hermione almost corrected her by saying, 'He's not my professor anymore," but didn't. Ron pulled her away by the arm and last she saw of Remus during the War, Ginny was attending to him...

"Talk to him, Miss. It is a way of comforting him," the nurse said.

Hermione blinked her eyes and the vision disappeared. "Can he even hear me?"

"I don't know for sure. Pretend he can and talk with him about something you have in common," the nurse said lightly, placing a glass of water for Hermione on the table beside Remus' bed.

Someone was screaming near her. She turned her head and immediately felt something sticky and wet on her robes and on her hands. She looked down, her stomach lurching violently inside her. She was covered in blood...but it wasn't hers.

"Something happy, dear," the nurse said, watching Hermione's face twist with an unpleasant thought. "There has to be something happy you could talk with him about."

Hermione looked back at Remus and held his hand in hers, rubbing her other hand on the back of his. A small weak smile tugged her lips. There were definitely happy things still buried there in her mind. The question was whether she wanted to dig them all up.

"Yes, there is," she whispered.

"Very good. Call me if you need anything."

Hermione nodded her head but kept her attention on Remus' weary face.

"Hi, it's me," she said quietly. "I don't know if you can hear me, but the nurse said I should talk to you and maybe it would give you comfort." Hermione shrugged. "But I doubt I have any comfort to give you."

Over in the next bed, Harry opened his eyes slowly. The right side of his face felt like it had been beaten repeatedly with a Bludger. He frowned when he heard a familiar voice--it was Hermione's. She was near him. The white curtain between his bed and the one next to his had been left open. He turned his head slowly and saw her sitting beside Professor Lupin's bed. His eyes widened slightly when he saw she was holding his hand. He closed his eyes again and listened to her voice and to what she was saying.

"I don't really know what to talk with you about. The nurse said it had to be happy and the only happy memories I can recall were spent with you. I know I was happy before then but with you, life felt right. I know that probably sounds foolish, but it did."

She reached out and touched his forehead gently. She felt tears begin to prickle in her eyes.

"Do you remember when James locked us in that room? And you were so angry with him at first? Or was that me?" she said, surprised when she smiled and chuckled lightly. "It was so cold in there, do you remember that? And you gave me some chocolate and at the time it reminded me of when you helped Harry on the Hogwarts Express, but I couldn't tell you then. There were so many things I couldn't tell you," she said, wiping at her tears and clearing her throat. "Okay, happy thoughts, right? I felt so sleepy and you...you held my hand. It felt so normal and I remember how peaceful it seemed. So unlike now."

She took a deep breath and continued. "And what about the night we all went star gazing? Sirius had that Ravenclaw girl under the blanket," she laughed. "And the noises they were making! Ick! Even Peter had a girl then," she whispered. "And I had you," she smiled, "and I held your hand and it felt so bloody right," she said, remembering. "Then later in the common room when you kissed me, I could have died right then and been fine with it. I wish I could have told you what kissing you felt like. It was beautiful, Remus, and so perfect. I probably fell in love with you that night, only to fall deeper each following day. And I knew I wouldn't be able to stay with you forever and still I kept falling...and I know why they call it falling because you have to finally hit the bottom...I'm there now...at the bottom without you."

She laid her head against his bed and sighed, feeling more tears slip down her cheeks. Then, she held her head up and took a shaky breath. "Okay, I'm supposed to be strong here for you. I'm not even good at that," she laughed sadly. "But I'm trying, Remus. I'm really trying here. I want to be okay without you. I want you to get well and I want to see your smile again--even if it isn't directed at me. I want you to be happy and have peace in your life...and," she smiled through her tears, " because I'm selfish, I want you to love me like you did before." She dropped her head back onto his bed and cried softly there. Soon, more memories, still raw and bleeding in her mind, filled her thoughts.

"Get up, Neville!" Hermione screamed in terror. "Get up!"

Neville slid back just in time to miss the full force of a column falling from an ancient house that was nothing but ruins. It landed on his leg with a sickening crack. Neville howled in pain.

Hermione ran to his side. "Oh, God, Neville, are you okay?" she said, dropping down by his side. A cut on her forehead was bleeding down into one of her eyes. She wiped it away with the back of her hand.

"It hurts," he said, his face full of agony. "I feel sick," he said as beads of sweat broke out on his forehead.

Hermione stood up, held out her wand and pointed it at the large column, but before she could cast a charm, someone grabbed her arm.

"Let me help you."

Hermione looked up at Remus. His eyes were full of worry but he focused on Neville.

"Hold tight, Neville. We'll have this off you in a few seconds. Ready, Hermione?"

She nodded her head, unable to find the words she wanted to say.

With their combined effort, the column lifted off of Neville's leg and landed on the ground nearby. Hermione hurried to his side and knelt down. "I'll call someone to help you okay? I'll stay until they get here," Hermione said, conjuring a glass of cold water out of the air and holding it to Neville's lips.

He swallowed slowly and shook his head. "No, you go on. I'll be fine. Go help Harry."

"But--"

"No, just go, Hermione. I'll be okay. Harry needs you."

Hermione realized it would do her no good to argue with him. She nodded and stood up, shooting sparks into the air. "You'll be okay?"

"Yes."

She turned around, but before she could leave, Remus grabbed her arm again.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice and words carrying much more weight than would be heard by anyone other than her.

She nodded. "I have to go," she whispered.

Remus looked as if he wouldn't let her go for a moment, but he released his grip on her arm and nodded. "Be careful."

She said nothing else, merely turned and ran off, leaving Remus to stare at her disappearing form...

"Happy thoughts, dear," the nurse said as she passed by the bed.

Hermione held her head up and wiped at her cheeks. She looked back at Remus.

"I'm sorry," she said, smiling weakly. "I have all of these memories in my head and I can't seem to turn them off yet. Let's see...happy memories." She sighed.

"Do you remember the night you gave me the journal?" She smiled and felt such an emotional surge inside that she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "I remember," she whispered. "I remember it better than all of my other memories combined. You were so...amazing. God, I loved the way you looked at me then...like there was nothing you wanted more in the entire world...and I was so completely lost to you then...I knew I loved you...so much more than I should have." She smiled as more tears fell down her cheeks.
Over in the next bed, Harry felt his cheeks redden. He felt as if he were trespassing into a private area he should never be allowed in, but he couldn't tune out her words. His heart ached at the sadness in her voice. He had never heard Hermione's voice sound so heartbreaking. He remembered back a few months when he and Hermione had shared a personal conversation; she had told him she'd fallen in love with someone...and now he knew the truth. She had fallen in love with Professor Lupin--how utterly strange and unfair life was.

"You told me you loved me that night, do you remember? You thought I was sleeping, but I wasn't. I heard you and for once, I understood what being in love meant. And I never wanted to leave your side...never." She laughed at the sad irony. "And here I am, sitting at your side, wishing life had not been so cruel...to all of us...but especially to you, Remus." She touched his cheek gently and smiled. "I would take all of your pain away if I could...but who will take mine? I hope you know that I loved you, and I never wanted to hurt you. I had no choice in leaving and I know you spent twenty years without me, and I know how that must have been. Twenty years without you will probably be the death of me. I've survived a War...but can I survive this bleeding heart?" she whispered. "I'll miss you, Remus, because I've missed you every day since I returned. But I have my memories and that shall have to be enough," she whispered.

Hermione closed her eyes and leaned her head against the side of Remus' bed but did not sleep. Hours later, the nurse passed back by. Hermione was still holding his hand.

"How are you holding up?" she asked Hermione.

Hermione looked up at her and smiled halfheartedly. "I'm fine. How is he doing?"

"Oh, I suppose he'll wake up in a few hours. His body has healed up nicely. He'll still be sore for a few days, possibly a week, but he'll be back to his old self soon again, you'll see."

I doubt I'll see, she thought bitterly. "How is Harry?"

"Oh, Mr. Potter? He's perfect. I'm sure he'll be leaving in the morning," the nurse smiled, "which isn't far off. I can't believe you are still awake."

"I don't require much sleep," Hermione replied.

"Of course not, well, I'll be back shortly. Let me know if you need anything."

Hermione placed Remus' hand back onto his bed and pulled out a sheet of parchment and a quill. She propped against the table and began to write out a letter for him. When she was finished, she closed it with a seal engraved with a J and a crescent moon inside red wax. She placed it on the side table and stood up, stretching her stiff muscles and joints. Then, she leaned over and kissed Remus' forehead.

"I'll always love you."

She took one last look at him and glanced over at Harry. His eyes were open and he was watching her. She smiled faintly and her eyes began to tear. She and Harry shared a moment where an understanding was met--she loved Remus, Harry knew this, but neither would ever tell another soul. Harry smiled at her in an attempt to try and give her some comfort. Hermione nodded her head at him and then turned and left the room, leaving Remus sleeping and unaware she had ever been by his side.

"Once, as my heart remembers,

All the stars were fallen embers.

Once, when night seemed forever

I was with you.

Once, in the care of morning,

In the air was all belonging.

Once, when that day was dawning,

I was with you.

Once, as night was leaving

Into us our dreams were weaving.

Once, all dreams were worth keeping.

I was with you.

Once, when our hearts were singing,

I was with you."--Enya