Before the Moon Rises

BEFORE THE MOON RISES

Releasing Hidden Truths

Chapter Eighteen

"When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary

When troubles come and my heart burdened be

Then, I am still and wait here in the silence

Until you come and sit awhile with me."--Josh Groban

April 1998

It was late and Harry had tried to go to sleep hours before. At least the sun isn't up yet, he thought bitterly. Life had shifted from difficult to extremely complicated and trying for everyone. The War was approaching so rapidly he never knew if it would be waiting around the next corner or sitting patiently behind the next door he opened--and he never knew who it would take from him.

He walked quietly down the staircase that lead to the Gryffindor common room and was surprised to see a fire still burning in the hearth; someone was still awake. He knew immediately who it was--Hermione. He frowned and stopped walking to watch her for a moment.

She was sitting in one of the big armchairs, her feet tucked beneath her and a red book opened in her lap. A quill dangled from her hand down the side of the chair, but she wasn't writing. She was staring into the fire, a lost look in her eyes.

He had been worried about Hermione for some time. She had been so zealous in her studies and everything for that matter, overly so. It was as if she was thrusting herself headfirst into all things--she was so focused that it was almost scary. She kept telling him that she wanted to be prepared for anything and everything, but Harry had doubted her words every single time. Seeing the look in her eyes now, when no one was around to catch her, he could see the truth. There was something going on beneath the surface inside Hermione, and he had every intention of finding out what it was.

Harry walked over and sat down on the couch; she didn't even move. When he spoke quietly to her, he saw her visibly jump in surprise. "Hermione?"

"Oh, Harry," she said, taking a deep breath in shock. "You scared me. Are you okay? Is anything wrong?" she asked and he watched as her lost expression turned into fearsome determination--all evidence of her sadness disappeared instantly. She had slipped her mask back on and it was almost believable.

"Everything is fine with me."

"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked, closing the book in her lap and resting the quill on the arm of the chair.

"When are you going to be honest with me, Hermione?"

"About what?" she asked, looking away from him and back toward the fire.

"Where should I start?" he asked and Hermione looked over at him quickly.

"What are you saying? That I'm not honest with you?" she asked defensively. He could see the weary look return to her eyes.

"You tell me," he said, leaning forward on his elbows.

"What is this about, Harry? I don't understand what you're going on about," Hermione said.

"Okay, how about you tell me who gave you that journal that you've carried around with you for months like you needed it to survive," Harry replied.

"I told you it was a gift," she said quietly, looking back at the fire.

"Yeah, I know that. But who gave it to you?"

"You'd never believe me if I told you the truth," she whispered, holding the journal against her chest and sighing.

"Try me."

Hermione wondered if she should tell Harry the truth, and decided that it didn't matter anymore. She and Remus would never be together in this life, so what would it change if she told Harry? "Do you remember that night you were arguing about Quidditch and you asked me to go to the library and get a book for you?"

"Yeah."

"Something happened to me when I was in the library," she said, still staring at the flames.

"What? Did someone hurt you?" he asked anxiously.

"No. I found a charmed book," she said, smiling sadly.

"What?"

"It was a book that had been charmed to activate when it was opened. It was the book you and Ron needed me to get. When I reached for it, it fell from the shelf...and when I picked it up, I disappeared."

"Disappeared? How is that possible? You brought the book to us half an hour after you left the common room," Harry said, leaning back on the couch and frowning.

"I told you that you wouldn't believe me."

Harry heaved a sigh. Stranger things had happened at Hogwarts. "I'm sorry, Hermione. Keep going. What happened to you?"

"The book somehow sucked me into its pages. I don't honestly know how it worked, but when I opened my eyes again, I realized I was still in the library, but it was 1978."

"1978?! But that would mean you were there when," he paused and lowered his voice, "when my parents were there?"

Hermione nodded her head and found herself unable to look at Harry.

"What happened?" he asked quietly, his voice strained.

"I stayed there for a little over a month, end of story," she said, not wanting to elaborate.

"Wait, Hermione. You can't end the story there. What happened? Did you see them?"

Hermione looked sadly up at Harry. "Yes," she whispered. They locked eyes for a moment and Harry could see the sadness there. It seemed odd to share the same feeling of loss with Hermione.

"Did you talk with them?" he asked, unable to stop his curiosity. Hermione nodded. "How is this possible?" he asked, running a hand through his hair.

"Sirius charmed a copy of Hogwarts, A History...and I found it...and I ended up there with them."

"Sirius?" Harry asked, his voice cracking slightly. Again Hermione nodded. "What did you do while you were there?"

"I went to class...made friends," she whispered.

"With my parents? And Sirius?" Harry asked, a frown line of disbelief forming between his brows.

"And Remus and Peter..."

"Pettigrew?" Harry asked angrily.

"Yes."

"You made friends with that traitor?!" Harry asked. His voice was loud and Hermione winced in response. Her eyes were beginning to water and before she could answer, a tear rolled down her cheek.

"You don't know what it was like then," she whispered, looking over at Harry and wiping at her wet cheek.

"So, you met my parents, hung out with Sirius and Lupin, and made friends with a traitor? Knowing all along what happened to them in their futures? Knowing Peter would betray them? Did you even say anything?" Harry said, standing to his feet and staring down at Hermione.

"I couldn't," she said. She closed her eyes and thought of what Harry was saying--she had struggled with the same things in her mind. "Don't you understand that it would have altered everyone's future?"

"It would have saved my parents," Harry said, walking over to the hearth, "and Sirius."

"Yes, you're right. But it wasn't my place to alter history, Harry. Humans shouldn't have that sort of power, and you know it. This is our destiny--to be right here where we are right now--how could I change it all?"

Hermione heard Harry release a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry, Hermione. I know you're right," he said as he felt his anger calming. He glanced over at her; there was a deeper sorrow buried in her eyes, and he felt guilty for his insensitivity. Was it hard to know the truth and be unable to tell anyone?" he asked, his face gentle and apologetic.

"Yes."

He walked over and sat at her feet, facing the fire. "Would you tell me about them? My parents, Sirius, and Lupin? Would you tell me about who they were?" he asked quietly.

Hermione took a slow deep breath. "There is so much to tell."

"Just tell me what you remember," Harry said quietly at her feet.

Hermione wanted to laugh, but she didn't. She remembered lots of things, but there were many things she simply would not tell.

"Let's see," she said, once again taking a deep breath. She thought that by doing so, it would release the tightness in her chest, the ache in her head...but it did not, "your father and Sirius were the troublemakers of the group, especially Sirius. He always had some crazy scheme. Well, I take that back. Your father was just as bad." Hermione then paused to laugh lightly. "I actually assisted them on one of their adventures."

"You did?" he asked incredulously. "What did you do?"

"Well, not much actually. I unlocked a few spells on the Potions classroom door."

"You did? You mean to tell me that you voluntarily broke school rules?"

"It wasn't my idea. It was actually Remus' fault." As soon as she said his name, her throat tightened and she realized a new feeling had begun to grow and spread inside her heart--bitterness. She still loved him and he no longer wanted her. She clenched her jaw.

"Lupin's? He doesn't seem like one to persuade you to do anything," Harry laughed.

"Oh, you'd be surprised," she said darkly. After all, have you seen his smile? Or the sexy look he gets in his eyes without even knowing it? And with one simple kiss, I was lost to him forever...

"It's hard to imagine. So what happened? What did you do after you got into the Potions classroom?"

"James and Sirius had these bottles of dye. Remus unlocked the storage room door and they messed around with the ingredients with Lily--"

"My Mum? She went, too?"

"Yeah," Hermione smiled. "Your father, of course, talked her into it. He promised her the prank wouldn't hurt anyone. But after we got inside the storage room Mrs. Norris showed up."

"With Filch?"
"Filch was right behind her."

"So, what did you do?"

"James cast a Personal Door Charm for Remus and I and then, he, Sirius, Peter and Lily hid under the invisibility cloak."

"What's a Personal Door Charm?"

"It's a door only James could open because he was the one to cast it."

"Did you and Remus hide there?"

Hermione swallowed slowly. "Yes."

"Does that mean you escaped Filch?"

"Yeah. But James left Remus and I inside the door for a few hours. He thought it would be funny," she said dryly.

"He did?" Harry laughed. "Well, better Lupin than Pettigrew."

"That's what I thought at the time, too," she said quietly, knowing that one event had been the seed that had grown into something much more between them.

"At the time? What does that mean?"

"Nothing." It means that now all those little shared moments with Remus have been burned into my memories--tiny pin pricks in my heart. The bitterness expanded a little wider inside her.

"What else?" Harry asked, pointing his wand at the fire and causing the flames to rise higher again.

"Your father and Remus came home pissed one night," she said, recalling the memory perfectly.

"You can't be serious?"

"Oh, I am. Lily was furious," Hermione said.

"What were they doing getting pissed? And Lupin? I can't believe it."

"I accidentally saw Remus transform during the full moon, and he knew it. The Marauders didn't come home until the next night. And James and Remus were both pissed when they did. Sirius thought it was hilarious."

"I still don't understand why they were pissed. You saw Remus transform, so what?"

"There's no point in trying to understand the reasoning behind it," Hermione said quickly. She definitely wasn't going to tell Harry about things between her and Remus.

"It's weird." Harry shrugged his shoulders. "Doesn't sound like something Lupin would do. Wasn't he always the responsible one?"

"Everyone makes mistakes," Hermione quietly. And actually Remus was also the romantic one, but you wouldn't know that, would you? she added in her head. No, of course not. I'm trying to forget it as well.

Harry looked up at Hermione. She was watching the shifting flames in the hearth; the sad look had returned to her eyes and Harry creased his brow in thought.

"Did you spend a lot of time with the Marauders?" he questioned.

"Yes," she said in an almost whisper, never looking down at him.

He sighed. "I can understand how hard that must have been for you to be with them and then have to leave. Did you get a chance to tell them goodbye?" he wondered innocently.

"No, not really." But Remus told me goodbye that night...I should have known...

"Why not?"

"Well, the magic of the book began to wear off and I slowly...faded away," she whispered sadly. But the feelings didn't fade, Harry. All the feelings are still here inside my heart, eating away at my happiness.

"Of course, it wouldn't have mattered as much about Lupin. He's still here," Harry said, watching her closely.

She briefly looked down at him and wondered if he would be able to see the truth hidden in her eyes. Oh, Harry, if you only knew.

"What is it you're not telling me Hermione?" Harry asked and Hermione met his gaze finally. She was always surprised with how perceptive Harry always was--it was unnerving at times.

"Nothing," she said quickly.

"Come on, Hermione. I know you better than that. What...did you fall in love while you were there?" he asked playfully, trying to lessen the tension surrounding her.

"As a matter of fact," she said dryly.

"What?" he asked and laughed. "You did not." And when she did not laugh or return his smile, he frowned. "Did you? Did he give you that journal?" Hermione nodded her head. Harry's mouth dropped open in surprise. He definitely wasn't expecting that. A thought popped immediately into his mind. "You didn't fall in love with my dad, did you?"

"That's absurd. He was desperately in love with your Mum."

"Oh, okay. Well, is this guy still alive?"

"It depends on what your idea of living is," she said sadly.

Harry looked up at her strangely. "Is he dead?"

"No."

"It isn't Snape, is it?" Harry asked in disgust.

"Of course not. Don't be stupid, Harry."

"Well, who is it?" he asked.

"No one." Only someone I'm desperately trying to forget.

"Pettigrew?"

"No," she huffed. "He wasn't my type," she said sarcastically.

"I always heard that Sirius was charming," Harry said, remembering his godfather and smiling sadly.

"He was," Hermione replied honestly.

"So?"

"So, I wasn't in love with Sirius."

"Hermione, that's everyone. Was it anyone I've ever heard of?" Harry asked.

She took a deep breath and stretched her legs out. "I don't feel much like conversation, Harry. I think I'll try to get some sleep."

Hermione stood up and Harry stood up beside her. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right? You've always been there for me. I want you to know the same goes for you." Harry pulled her into a quick hug before she pulled away.

"Thanks, Harry, but I'm fine. Goodnight," she said, leaving him standing alone in the common room.

He watched her go. He could understand her sadness over her attachment to people that were not in the present, but there was something more she wasn't telling him.

She fell in love? He thought to himself in surprise. Hermione...in love? But with who? He had thought of everyone... He looked up at the staircase that led to the girl's dormitories. He creased his forehead again in thought.

"Lupin?" he whispered out loud. Harry shook his head. "Surely not...but, what if?"

Up on the staircase, in the silence, Hermione halted when she heard Harry whisper a name. Her heart sank a little lower and she sighed. She knew that Harry wouldn't tell anyone, and she found some comfort in that--no one would understand the truth...she hardly did.

Down in the common room, Harry stared over at the empty staircase before looking back at the fire. Could she really have fallen in love with Professor Lupin? Harry wondered as he dropped down onto the couch. He shook his head. "No," he said quietly to himself, "it had to have been someone else. Not him." But a tiny sliver of doubt was looming in his mind and causing him to wonder if he was very wrong. He closed his eyes and sighed. Why did everything always have to be so bloody complicated? Would he and his friends ever find the peace they were all so desperately seeking?