Before the Moon Rises

BEFORE THE MOON RISES

Swinging off the Gates of Hell

Chapter Fifteen

"All alone I didn't like the feeling

All alone I sat and cried

All alone I had to find meaning

In the center of the pain I felt inside

All alone I came into this world

All alone I will someday die

Solid stone is just sand and water, baby

Sand and water and a million years gone by

I will see you in the light of a thousand suns

I will hear you in the sound of the waves

I will know you when I come as we all will come

Through the doors beyond the grave..."--Beth Nielsen Chapman

November 1981

It was cold and overcast; the clouds were grey and dreary. It was the kind of day that every time the wind blew it made his skin and clothes feel damp. There was a storm moving in; Remus was quite certain of that. He could hear thunder rolling somewhere off in the distance. The rain would be upon him soon but he knew he would hardly notice if it even arrived.

He pushed open a small wrought iron gate and stepped onto a dirt path littered with tiny stones and wilted flower petals.

He was standing in a graveyard. And not just any graveyard. This was where they had buried his friends, his childhood companions. The cool wind blew his hair into his eyes but he continued to walk, his hands thrust deep into his pockets, his eyes watching the steady rise and fall of his footsteps. He didn't need to look where he was going; he knew the path. Another roll of thunder rumbled off in the distance.

Remus finally stopped walking. He knelt down in the wet grass and looked up with weary blue eyes. He pulled a handful of lilies out of his robes. They were slightly bent and wilting, but what did it matter? He placed them in between the graves in front of him. He stared at the headstones, reading the names of two of his best friends etched into the marble--Lily and James. He clenched his teeth together in an attempt to ward away the sob that was forming in the back of his throat.

In bitter anger, he grabbed a handful of the wet dirt from the top of their graves. They hadn't even been buried long enough for the grass to grow over the new earth. He crumbled it in his hands and felt tears sting his eyes and blur his vision. He opened his palm and watched the dirt fall back to the earth as wet tears dripped down his cheeks. The wind began to blow again and it chilled him. He wiped his face with the back of his hand and looked away.

His eyes fell upon a headstone a few meters away and off to the left. There was another plot where the dirt was still fresh and dark brown, where another grave was still new...as well as the wound it left behind. Peter Pettigrew had been buried the same day as the Potters. Remus closed his eyes, unable to chase away the memory of that day. He couldn't help but think of Sirius as well. More tears pushed behind his lids, forcing their way out into the cool air and down his cheeks.

Thinking of Lily, James, Sirius and Peter always led him to the same place, to the same thought...to another room in his heart where the space was still occupied and the pain was still severe; it led him to Jane.

With tears in his eyes, he pulled out his wand. A weeping willow a few paces to his right swayed in the wind and Remus pointed his wand beneath it. With a few whispered words, another headstone appeared. Remus stood and walked over to it. He knelt down. There were words engraved into the pale marble; he reached his hand out and traced the letters with his fingertips.

Hermione Jane Granger Doe

September 19, 1960 - Today

Loved by Remus John Lupin, but not forgotten

And so, Remus buried her there...buried her there with his friends, buried her there with the best of him. He dropped his hands down onto the wet earth, hung his head and wept...he wept for all of them.

And in doing so, he died one more small death there among his friends. He had died a thousand tiny deaths so far, each time seeing her face flash before his eyes. He wondered how many more he would have to die before there would finally be peace in his tortured soul...