Honey Buns and Polka Dots

Harry moaned and grabbed the glass of soy milk that sat on the bedside table. He was so dizzy and his eyes were sore. You see, he had just spent an entire night fighting boredom...by knuckle-rubbing his eyes.
He took a sip and sighed.
"Ah...nothing like a glass of warm soy milk after an incredibly boring and sleepless night," he said to himself.
He set the glass back down and listened to the noise that was coming from the kitchen.
"Duddy-kins, you can't eat that! That would take you above your daily points range! You don't want that do you? Florine wouldn't be too happy would she?" he heard Aunt Petunia say calmly to her whale of a son.
"Aw screw Florine Mark. GIVE ME MY HONEY BUNS!" Dudley screamed.
Harry heard his Aunt shriek.
"Best give him his Honey Buns dear...he might paintball the neighbor's hippopotamus again," Uncle Vernon said.
Harry jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs.
"Hello wonderful family! How are you this morning?" he asked with a cheerful smile.
"Stupid," Aunt Petunia said.
"Lazy," Uncle Vernon said.
"Fat," Dudley said.
Harry nodded.
"Aunt Petunia, may I watch the television please? Steve is going to college today!"
"WHAT! STEVE IS GOING TO COLLEGE? NO! NO, IT CAN'T BE TRUE!" Aunt Petunia screeched.
"Yes, it's true. They're replacing him with some fellow named...er...Joe, I believe," Uncle Vernon said, not looking up from his copy of The National Enquirer.
"What do you mean replacing him?" Aunt Petunia asked with a snarl.
"Well...I mean...they got a new actor t-to...uh...play with Blue!" Vernon replied nervously.
Aunt Petunia scowled and turned back to Harry. Harry could swear that she was crying.
"Go ahead and watch your show, dear," she said.
Harry smiled and skipped off to the family room.
"We just got a letter,
We just got a letter,
We just got a letter,
I wonder who it's from!"
he sang as he sat down and searched for the remote.

Harry found the remote underneath the coffee table. He sat up and flipped on the television. The show was just about to begin when the telephone rang.
"I'll get it!" he yelled to his family in the kitchen.
"Hello?" Harry said into the receiver.
"Hello Harry, this is Hermione. I'm just calling to tell you that over the summer, I've gotten curves in all the right places. I've straightened my hair and I've started wearing hooker boots and red miniskirts. I wear loads of bright makeup and I am very sexy now. Oh, and I have an incredibly huge crush on you," Hermione said.
"Oh, ok," Harry replied.
"Yup, ok. See you later, then."
"WAIT! Hermione?" Harry said.
"Yes?"
"Can you hear me now?"
"Yes," Hermione replied.
"Good."
CLICK
"Who was that, boy?" Vernon asked from the kitchen.
"Hermione. She's a slut now," Harry replied.
"Oh, alright," Vernon said.

Harry leaned back on the couch and thought about Hermione in hooker boots.

"I wonder if they're red...like Professor McGonagall's," he thought.