Hubble, Bubble, Toil and...Rubble!

"Hubble, Bubble, Toil and...Rubble!"

Gilderoy Lockhart was in a superb mood and for good reason. The sun was shining in the sky, breakfast was extraordinarily tasty, he was his usual immaculate handsome self, and he had just received his first "please take!"

"Please take" is a familiar term used throughout the faculty to describe a request for a teacher to cover another teacher's classes due to absence.

He had received the request from Albus Dumbledore soon after waking up that morning. A standard school issue tawny owl had glided in the window of his chambers with the slip of parchment secured to its leg. It had promptly landed and strutted about impatiently as Lockhart flounced across to relive it of its burden. It ruffled its feathers as Lockhart removed the parchment then hooted in an irritated manner and flew out the window without a backward glance, not caring if the recipient wished to send a reply.

Unfolding the parchment Lockhart was greeted with the familiar elegant flowing script that identified the sender as being Albus Dumbledore.

Dear Gilderoy,

Professor Snape has just informed me that he will be unable to lecture his 2^nd year Gryffindor/Slytherin class due to circumstances beyond his control. As the students he usually teaches cannot afford not to be taught, and as all the other faculty members are detained with classes of their own, I must therefore request that you take the class in Professor Snape's absence. I trust this will be agreeable to you.

Albus Dumbledore.

P.S Please ensure that all of Professor Snape's potions and equipment are accounted for at the completion of the lesson and that all of his supplies are stored back in their labelled places (although I can understand some mistakes as Severus has a complicated storage system and due to the fact that he is extremely fussy when it comes to anything potions related.)

Ordinarily Lockhart would be distinctly unhappy with having anything to do with Snape as the man was a greasy insufferable git! However, on this rare occasion he was actually pleased by the arrangement as it allowed him the opportunity to explore more of the school and try his hand at other subjects. He was confident that he would be an exemplary potions lecturer (as he was superb at everything he did!)

Besides he was determined to show Snippy Snape that he could handle everything and that he was the better professor!

Gilderoy, however, was unaware of the unfettered rivalry between the respective classes (even more so as Snape was not there to ensure no fighting ensued!) the dangerous, unpredictable (and indeed in some cases explosive) nature of potions, the required safety precautions, and of course...the presence of one Neville Longbottom in the class. A presence that Lockhart himself added to as he really ought to be classified as a safety hazard himself!

It is therefore redundant to say that this combination is a little dangerous! A vast understatement and comparable only to saying that dynamite is a little explosive in the presence of a lit match! Gilderoy being the lit match! The required final ingredient for absolute and total mayhem!

Potions was first thing that morning. And Lockhart had to visibly restrain himself from skipping down the corridors towards the potions class! As he rounded the corridor towards the classroom he found himself lurch to a sudden and undignified halt. He stood for several long seconds gawping with his mouth ajar at the sight before him.

On the dusty dungeon floor before him in a pile "four deep" were his students (or more precisely the male students!). The occasional Slytherin green, or Gryffindor scarlet tie just visible amongst the fray. They were engaged in fighting on a grand scale, fists and insults were flying back and forth at an incredible rate.

From his position he could see that young Potter and Malfoy were at each others throats, while Crabbe and Goyle attempted to aid their leader by fighting off Ron Weasley and other would-be rescuers.

Obviously they had decided to forgo magic and just proceed with a good old fashioned fight.

Miss Granger stood off to the side with Neville shouting at them to stop being so immature and cease the fighting. While on the other hand the Slytherin female students shouted encouragement at the male members of their house and insults at the Gryffindors.

Lockhart had known that there was a certain rivalry between these two houses but not to this extent, reduced to open brawling in the corridors. He vaguely wondered how the hell Snape coped with this on a daily basis, without resorting to a whip and a chair (then again, perhaps Snape merely resorted to his patented liquid nitrogen glare and froze them solid!) Then again he was 100% percent sure which house had caused the fight to start with and decided that he would punish accordingly (unaware at this stage that he was copying Snape's action in favouring a particular house, unaware that this could only lead to trouble!)

Returning his lower jaw to its previous position, he stormed up to them standing imposingly (or attempting to!) arms folded. He then shouted at the top of his voice "Boys! Boys! Stop this at once!" All fighting stopped suddenly, fists stopped in mid-swing as the students turned to glare at him in annoyance! "Get up off the floor this instance and get in the classroom!"

Once inside and seated at their respective desks the students slumped awaiting the lecture (but not fearing detention or punishment as it was after all Lockhart!).

After gazing around the classroom his expectations were confirmed. It was a dark, miserable, boring hovel. No sense of spark or flare at all (Just like Snape!) This classroom could use a bright cheery shade he thought.

Waving his wand with a lazy flick of his wrist he watched in satisfaction as the dark walls were flooded with a dazzling, eye popping shade of....sunshine yellow!

The students gasped in horror and pain as their eyes adjusted to the sudden blinding light that filled the room.

Lockhart grinned happily at the reaction, he could see Snape's face from here! He decided that he would conveniently forget to change the room back to its previous colour before he left.

Turning his attention to his students he took up a questioning tone asking what had happened and who had caused it!

At once he was overwhelmed with voices as each house tried to pin the blame on the other. But above the buzzing noise he discerned two words "Malfoy" and "Potter".

He turned his gaze onto the two boys in question and promptly said "thirty points from Slytherin Mr Malfoy and a detention to be decided on at a later date!"

The Slytherins looked outraged, jaws falling open and murderous looks were flung in his direction.

"But...But Sir what about Potter surely you're not going to let him get away with this? Am I the only one to be punished?" Draco Malfoy managed to stutter out a look of outrage building up in his steel blue eyes.

"Mr Malfoy, young Harry is incapable of starting riots and barbaric fighting. He is an exemplary student and this is partly due to my influence! On the other hand..."

Gilderoy preened "With an example such as Professor Snape before them what can we expect from Slytherin except barbarism?"

The Slytherins glowered murderously Lockhart would pay dearly for this!

Eyes met each other from every Slytherin corner of the classroom, silent, secretive, plotting looks were exchanged. All were in complete agreement.

The Game was on!

All in All I believed that I had handled the situation masterfully! And had foreseen no further problems destined for the remainder of the lesson (I couldn't have been more wrong!)

It took me no time at all to locate the lesson plan Snape had left and I perused it briefly. It seemed simple enough! The class were to make a basic healing potion, the ingredients were listed on the black board and all the input I needed to put in was simply to watch them while they worked and prevent them from blowing up the class.

So I strolled up and down the class watching while cauldrons were set to boil and ingredients were chopped.

The room was soon filled with the putrid smell that soon accompanied Potion making! I wrinkled my nose in distaste at the simply horrible odour. No doubt I would have to change after this class there was absolutely no way that I....I the distinguished Gilderoy Lockhart would be caught smelling like....Snape! Yuck!

I was just watching Harry pour an unidentifiable green liquid that resembled bottled snot into his bubbling cauldron when disaster struck.

Shrill shrieks and yells of alarm alerted me to the situation at once and I turned around in time to see billowing green smoke emerge from Mr Longbottom's cauldron. I watched in horror as several students dived under desks as with a final siren whistle the cauldron exploded. Green slime pelted the walls and I found myself thinking "Ewww what a vile contrast!"

On the other side of the class Draco Malfoy saw his opportunity to add to the mayhem and acted. Grabbing fist loads of several innocuous ingredients he tossed them in without thought.

I was just about to clear up the mess when Malfoy's voice bellowed in a voice that barely contained his fear.

"Sir, Sir is this potion supposed to turn this shade?"

I strode across the room towards his cauldron intent on preventing another possible disaster. Not noticing that Malfoy had conveniently evacuated the vicinity.

On reaching the cauldron I was in time to see that it had turned a most worrying bright blood red colour and was vibrating due to a sudden build up of pressure. I was directly in its path when it exploded like a mini volcano splashing its contents down my robes and onto my hair and skin.

I yelped as the hot viscous fluid came into contact with my skin. Thinking fast I muttered a quick cooling spell. Glancing down at myself I saw that my new turquoise robes were ruined. I was horrified to say the least I must look a frightful mess.

Not to mention I was probably covered with superficial burns! (How like Lockhart to place appearance before health!)

"Sir, Sir!"

What is it Miss Granger I responded thoroughly annoyed at the waste of such beautiful, finally tailored robes. I sighed slowly as I began to remove my ruined robes.

"Your, your...face!"

I turned to see her gawking openly at my wonderful visage (rather surprised as I had to be coated with globs of potion!) "What about it Miss Granger I know that I am exceedingly handsome to behold but this is hardly the time to remark upon it, and I am surprised you hadn't noticed before now. I mean with a smile like mine - who could fail to notice!" I offered with a frown.

I was however, prevented from finding out what was so vexing by Mr Weasley's sudden appearance by her side, he whispered furiously into her ear at a volume that I couldn't hear. She faltered then answered in a subdued tone of voice "Nothing Professor!"

I sighed and raked my hands in a frustrated manner through my hair. Turning back to the board and re-reading the ingredients I came to a decision.

"Now listen up everyone! Since you are obviously having trouble brewing this particular potion I shall demonstrate." Walking back towards the teacher's desk I started gathering together the required ingredients.

"Sir, Do you think this is really wise? I mean after all you're not a potions professor!" Granger's voice made itself known.

With a loud Harrumph I answered her with confidence "Miss Granger how hard could it possibly be, besides, if Snape can brew potions they cannot be that mentally taxing!"

I speedily set up a cauldron and called to the students to gather round in order to watch. Granger's voice cut in again "Sir!"

"What is it now Miss Granger!" I snapped losing my temper. "Just keep silent and watch the demonstration!"

Her mouth parted again to speak but I fixed her with a glare and she shut it just as quickly as she had opened it.

"Now class this is the method one should follow in brewing a potion such as this one." I carefully stirred and added ingredients, ticking them off as I went. So far so good!

Draco watched the demonstration with a curled lip. This was going too well. The buffoon should have made a few mistakes by now. He would have to rectify that!

Millicent Bulstrode was standing next to Draco watching the demonstration. With a crafty grin he leaned over and whispered in a low voice "Faint."

She blinked stupidly at him "Trust me, it will be worth it!" Millicent looked at him suspiciously but a patented Malfoy glare from Draco made up her mind.

I had just finished adding the second last ingredient to the nearly completed potion when a loud panic stricken gasp was heard from one of the Slytherin girls. She flung a hand to her head and then collapsed to the floor with a dull thud.

Sighing, I stood up and marched round to where she was lying bundled up on the floor all the students standing in a circle around her.

Draco seized his chance and quietly slipped over to Lockhart's cauldron and grabbed the final ingredient he then secreted the bottle in his pockets and replaced it with a clear bottled liquid similar to the one he had taken. Only this one was unlabelled. He sneaked back to his former position while everyone else's attention was taken up by Millicent coming around. Lockhart promptly told her to go at once to the hospital wing and assigned Parvati Patil the task of accompanying her.

I returned my attention back to the nearly completed potion and after uncorking the final ingredient I poured it in and waited for it to turn the required cloudy tinge.

It didn't! Without warning it imploded and a gush of steam and flame was sent up into my face. Reacting quickly I doused the flames. I vaguely remember feeling a slight burning sensation above my eyes and I sent an exploratory hand up to my brow to investigate.

Meanwhile In another part of the school Professor Severus Snape stepped into the headmaster's office to announce his return after an urgent trip to order potions ingredients. He did not trust anyone else when it came to buying in supplies as no one exacted his high standards when it came to selecting fresh ingredients.

Albus Dumbledore looked up and smiled as his potion's master walked in carrying a stack of bags from Diagon Alley, Hogsmeade (and no doubt some personal supplies from Knockturn Alley!)

"Severus how was you trip, enjoyable?"

Severus raised an eyebrow. "No more than usual. I just wanted to announce my arrival back at the school, if you want me I'll be down in my dungeons."

"Oh Severus the second year Gryffindor/Slytherin class is just finishing." Dumbledore stated in a matter of fact voice.

Snape grumbled. "Oh that lot of incompetent brats! I enjoyed the break away from teaching them."

"Incidentally who did you get to teach them?"

His only reply was a smile and an amused look from those irritating twinkling eyes. Snape felt his heart miss a few beats as his stomach did a flip in sudden fear.

"Albus... who?"

"Gilderoy Lockhart!"

Snape stood for several long minutes in complete silence his mouth opening and closing in an imitation of a goldfish that has just spotted the prowling house cat.

Finally two words erupted from his mouth "MY DUNGEONS!"

And he turned smartly on his heels dropping his supplies and raced headlong out of Dumbledore's office without a backwards glance.

He was about to discover the cause of the peculiar burning sensation when the classroom door was flung wide to the wall and Severus Snape walked in time to see a dozen cauldrons overflow then catch fire!

From some unknown corner of the classroom Granger's voice shouted "I tried to tell you that we had left the cauldrons on. But you wouldn't listen!"

The damage was extensive tons of boiling water swamped the classroom floor. Congealed green and red potion plastered the yellow walls and several melted down cauldrons had to be disposed of.

In the middle of the carnage one very dishevelled Gilderoy Lockhart stood with a mop in one hand and a scrubbing brush in the other. He was some sight to behold sporting singed eyebrows and a face covered with burns, pustules and warts (due to Draco's blood red potion! Another thing Granger had tried to tell him!)

To say that Snape was angry was a vast understatement. He was livid and had promptly assigned Lockhart with the cleaning and reconstruction of his classroom. That was of course after he had transfigured Lockhart into a lab mouse and force fed him various samples of the most potent, vile, sickening (not to mention painful!) potions that he had lying around waiting to be tested.

He was now left to single-handedly clean the dungeons while Snape supervised from his seated position from behind his desk while keeping up an impressive, never ending tirade of insults!

They were there for hours (as Lockhart was denied magic-usage!)

Finally the rooms were restored to their former vile glory! Almost!

"Lockhart you've forgotten something!"

"Severus?"

"THE WALLS!"