An Exquisite Mask

"An Exquisite mask"

Let me show you a face

In disguise

A colour that's faded

Swept aside by the tide

Scene after scene later on

There's a grey dust that's in our eyes

A misty cover

That hides on the turning tide

The soul of a proud man drowns

It was raining outside, the pavements awash with water the sky a dull grey slashed by rain drops. It was warm inside the warm, too warm therefore the conditions outside had no bearing on the wards occupants. He peered out of the window at the steady, unrelenting rain, he had loved the rain, loved the feel of the cold water rain trickling down his face in rivulets...a slight wind on his face, how he wished he could be out there...in the real world to enjoy the feel of it again. It was unbearable for him, this feeling of being caged in...trapped...his only companions were mentally incapable of holding a single thought for 5 seconds let alone hold a coherent conversation. It was torture being the only mentally aware, sane person on the ward.

He got to his feet and shuffled back to his bed sitting down once more on the edge as he did so his eye caught sight of an autograph sheet lying in the darkness at the foot of the bed, forgotten. He picked it up, his eyes looking morosely at the familiar picture of himself on a broomstick, a confident pose, a winning-smile, a handsome face. Look at him now, a shell of the man he used to be...it had been 5 years since his admission to the Spell Damage ward and still he remained here, a prisoner trapped within four walls. It was a cage...and he was suffocating.

His once handsome face was marked with fine lines and his eyes were hollowed by despair, his once golden hair had started to grey at the temples prematurely. All were external effects of what was happening to him on the inside, the slow decay of a sane man.

He had regained his memory a couple of weeks after the accident....no one knew...because he had never told anyone. He liked it that way.

He loathed himself utterly. He knew the rest of the wizard world felt the same. He was a fraud, a fake, a man who had stolen the achievements of others in order that he could be famous.

He could not sleep at nights, how could he when all he saw were the people who's lives he had ruined. He had wiped their memories...destroyed their lives. The worst thing was that he had been prepared to do it again, to Weasley and Potter.

All he had wanted was for people to look up to him, respect him, care for him.

Sad insinuation

Using words that are unwise

How they waver in your eyes

Wheels within wheels are turning

By now you know

The soul of a proud man drowns

For so long, a proud man

No one had ever treated him with anything but ridicule and laughter. He was a figure of fun, some one to be laughed at. Even his own parents had never felt anything for him but a dutiful love. They put a roof over his head and clothed him but that was where the parental support stopped. His father had been disappointed in him - he was too beautiful, a wimp, he would never really be a man in his father's eyes. They had had a fight countless years ago, Gilderoy had stormed out in a temper and they never spoke again.

At school he had been picked on and bullied continually, once again he was too pretty, not a proper boy. He was excluded from playing Quidditch and banished to a corner of the dining hall or common room at all times. None of his class mates would look twice at him.

No one had ever cared...

Except Juniper...his wife. She had been in his year at school, and in the same house (Hufflepuff) it never sat well with what the other students used to do to him and she used to defend him against all oncoming bullies.

He had loved her. She was a quiet girl with a ready smile and the heart of a lion. She had often told him that the sorting hat had wanted to put her in Gryffindor. When asked if she would have preferred that she would always smile and answer with "Maybe but then I would have never met you."

They had been sweethearts for the remaining three years at Hogwarts and friend before that. On leaving school they had both enrolled as aurors, married and settled down. They were the happiest two years of his life, just living life the way he wanted to with Juniper by his side. Disaster had struck after two years of marriage when she was killed in a surprise raid of a Deatheater meeting house. She had been struck by the killing curse that was meant for him...having defended him to her very last breath. It had happened so very quickly, one minute she was there and then she was lost to him forever.

Those times were the worst, he was forced to sell their house he couldn't bare living in a place where her presence still lingered, called to him. He kept on believing that she would walk through the front door and greet him with her familiar kiss. He had to leave but he never recovered form his loss. The guilt still followed him wherever he went and he could not help but think that he had proved his father right, he had failed her, failed to protect her, failed in his duty as a man.

He had been sacked from the ministry following a suicide mission, the ministry were scared that he would succeed and blacken their good standing with the public.

It was then that he had taken up fraud. He wasn't sure why, perhaps it was to lessen the pain of his father's words to him so many years ago: "I can't believe that you are my son, how could I have spawned such a weakling as you. They drown your animal counterparts at birth Gilderoy, I wish I could have done the same to you. You are a disappoint to me and will never amount to anything...you will never be a man." He had worked too hard to prove him wrong, he had ended up doing evil.

At nights he could still see Juniper's beautiful smiling face but the smile would quickly vanish and he was left with an aching guilt that would never leave.

He hated himself, he despised the life he had led and his fall from grace. He wanted it to be over. He wanted to be with Juniper once more.

He knew that he would not commit suicide for that would disappoint her the most. Life had been precious to her and he had already disappointed her enough.

The rain continued to fall outside, thick drops that were mirrored in the face of an utterly broken, guilt ridden man who had lost so much in his life that no one would ever know about. Not least of all his sanity. To the outside world he was and would always be a buffoon, a pompous idiot, someone to ridicule, for the only person who had been able to see behind that mask and into his soul has long since departed from the world. Now he is just an empty shell of a man. He is caged within four walls because he is incapable of living in the real world. He never speaks anymore, just sits and stares out of the window, when spoken to he responds with a smile...such a pretty smile to hide the pain.

We face the fierce wind

And the turning tide

...The soul of a proud man drowns

"Turning Tide" is written and performed by Clannad.