For the Record

~For the Record~

By Neuri and Pansie Goodlay

RR: It was very nice of you two to agree to speak with me on such short notice.

Ron: (glaring at Hermione) Not my idea, believe me. Only I've been going to therapy and my therapist said this would help.

Hermione: (pats Ron on the arm consolingly) Yes, and you're doing very well.

RR: Oh? May I ask what you are undergoing therapy for?

[Ron goes very red and mumbles something under his breath.]

RR: Sorry? Didn't quite catch that.

Hermione: (looking exasperated) Honestly Ron. He meant to say 'homophobia'. He's been seeing someone to help him get over this ridiculous, irrational fear of gay men.

Ron: I do not have a ridiculous and irrational fear of gay men! My fear is perfectly justifiable (folds arms).

Hermione: (whispers to RR) You see, shortly after Harry came out, Percy came out too. In a big way.

RR: Percy?

Hermione: Percy Weasley. He's Ron's brother. Here, I think I've got a picture somewhere...

[Hermione proceeds to dig into her purse, eventually pulling out a rolled up copy of 'Wizards At Play'.]

Hermione: (handing the magazine to Roberta) That's Percy.

RR: (examining the cover) The young man in the Golden Snitch costume or the scantily dressed young man chasing him on the broom?

Hermione: The one in the snitch costume.

[Ron makes a choking noise and covers his face with his hands.]

RR: I understand that both of you will be in attendance at Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy's wedding next month. How do you feel about the impending nuptials?

Hermione: Oh, I'm over the moon for them. They're very much in love, if you look past the persistent arguing and the pouting.

Ron: The bickering, the sniping, the tantrums and the occasional hexing...

Hermione: Yes, that too.

RR: But isn't it true that you, Hermione, hired an exorcist when you discovered the affair?

Hermione: (waves a hand dismissively). Oh, that. Yes, but I didn't know Harry was gay at the time. He started paying attention to his hair and clothes, wearing bright, bold colours, listening to old Wham records. It didn't occur to me that he might be gay until he took me aside one day and started telling me all about this wonderful new conditioner he'd just discovered. Before that, I had assumed he was possessed by some sort of Sumerian Grooming Demon.

RR: And what about your suicide attempt, Ron? Can you tell us about that?

Ron: (scoffing) That was not a bloody suicide attempt! Honestly, you press people exaggerate everything. I was throwing water bombs down my twin brothers from the North Tower, which just happens to be directly across from the, uh...from the...(proceeds to mumble)

RR: (leaning forward in her chair) I'm sorry, I missed that.

Hermione: He's trying to say 'Prefects Bathroom'.

RR: I see...

Hermione: (sniggers) So did Ron, apparently. Draco and Harry were having a soak after a game, and there was a bit of you know...underwater callisthenics happening. Naturally, Ron thought Draco was trying to drown Harry by holding his head under, but of course they were just-

Ron: (interrupts in a small, far away voice) Happy place....happy place...

RR: So you didn't threaten to jump?

Hermione: He just grabbed his broom and launched from the tower to 'save' Harry.

Ron: Really, Hermione. I can tell my own story.

Hermione: (looking offended) Well then go ahead.

Ron: Okay, right...so I flew across and came through the windows.

Hermione: The bathroom has these massive windows, you see.

[Ron glares at Hermione]

Hermione: Sorry. Please continue.

Ron: And landed right in the...um, tub. Which was good because I managed to pull Harry up from under the water. Only I realised then that he wasn't being drowned. Malfoy became royally pissed off and went to grab his wand. But of course seeing as he was starkers at the time, he didn't have it on him. So he came at me with his hands, which were rather soapy and slippery. And then Harry tried to break it up and we all...that is to say we, er...

[Unable to continue, Ron hangs his head.]

Hermione: (looking impatient). They tussled in the bath for a goodly time. Therein lies Ron's trauma and subsequent need for therapy.

Ron: (shuddering) You make that sound like a dirty word...

Hermione: What, therapy?

RR: I think he mean's tussle.

[Ron glares at Roberta.]

RR: Sorry. So, what happened next?

Hermione: As luck would have it, a teacher overhead the commotion and came to put a stop to it. Of course by this time,

Ron had managed to lose most of his clothing due to the (gives Ron a cheeky look)... tussling.

Ron: Shut up, Hermione!

RR: Snape? Again? Your Potions Professor certainly has a gift for timing.

Ron: (looking murderous) What he has is a gift for hanging around locker rooms and the prefects' bath! I wouldn't call that a gift, rather than a strange, unhealthy penchant.

RR: So Snape broke up the fight?

Ron: Yes, he did. And unfortunately I was a git about the whole thing and didn't speak to Harry again until Malfoy threatened to hex me into next week for being an arse to my best friend.

Hermione: (nodding) It took a while for everyone to get used to Harry being gay, in fact, I think Molly Weasley cried for two weeks straight, but Ginny soon told her to snap out of it. We all came around in the end. They make a lovely couple,

Harry and Draco (sighs wistfully).

Ron: Do you reckon they'll stop cavorting around in public once they're married?

Hermione: (gives Ron a look) What do you think?

Ron: I think we're doomed to watch them make kissy-kissy faces at each other over the table at Christmas.

Hermione: (laughs) The golden rule when Harry and Draco stay at the Burrow is to always knock first.

Ron: Dad soon learned the way of it.

[RR scribbles away in her notebook for a few moments, before looking up at Ron and Hermione.]

RR: Well I won't take up any more of your time! That was certainly very informative. Thank you both kindly.

Ron: No worries. Felt good to get that off my chest actually!

Hermione: (smiling fondly at Ron) See? I told you.