Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

By: pandorabox82

AKA: Steph

 

You were once my one companion,

You were all that mattered.

You were once a friend and sister,

Then my world was shattered.

I remember when we were children, when we were the best of friends. We did everything together. As sisters are wont to, we fought – but we could never really stay angry at each other for long. All that changed the summer she received her letter to that freak show of a school, and made the decision to leave me. We who had done everything together were now separated by something I could never hope to be.

We drifted farther and farther apart over the next seven years. She never had time for me anymore, all her thoughts were on her new world, a world where she excelled, and found herself accepted. She never knew that for all we fought during her time at home I still cried myself to sleep, wanting her back in my life as a normal person.

The last straw was when she brought that awful boyfriend of her home. Vernon had just proposed to me that day, and I couldn’t wait to tell my parents. When I got home, however, she was already there with him – the wild looking Potter. She was showing off her hand to Mother, and I knew she had once again stolen my glory. They barely looked up when I sat on the sofa next to them.

"Hello, Lily," I said to my sister, not really expecting to be answered.

"Petunia! I was hoping you’d be home! I so wanted to tell you my good news!" she gushed effusively, as she took my hands in her own. She noticed my ring almost at once. "Well, it looks like I’m not the only one with good news to tell. Let me guess, it’s that Vernon, isn’t it? Petunia, he seems like such a nice man. I know, why don’t we have a double wedding, to start off our new lives together, as we always dreamed!"

I stared at her, my mind trying to comprehend her words. Of course, it was our childhood dream, to have a double wedding, and then find side-by-side houses, but all of a sudden she wants to kiss and make-up? After seven years of differences, she thinks that I could forgive her for leaving me? My voice was quiet as I refused her olive branch. "Why would I want to have my wedding day ruined by the freaks you hang around with? Vernon and I want a normal life, and I really don’t see how that can be accomplished if I associate with people like you." I was surprised at how cold my voice sounded, how cruel my words were. I saw the hurt in her face, and felt my heart break. I hadn’t really meant to hurt her, I just wanted to have my own chance to have a moment to shine.

Much to my mortification, tears began to fall from my eyes. I stood up, and ran to my room before I could humiliate myself any further. Throwing myself down on my bed, I gave into the sorrow of my heart. The tears seemed to be unceasing, and I dimly felt the hand rubbing my back.

"It’s alright, Petunia. I understand. Maybe in a few years, when we both have children, we can begin to repair our relationship. I just wanted you to know that I’m not giving up on you. I love you too much for that. I just pray that you can forgive me before the Dark Lord, well before anything happens to me. I have to go to Godric’s Hollow now to tell James’ parents the good news. Never forget, even after all that’s happened, I love you."

The hand rubbing my back had lulled me into a light sleep by the end of her words. I barely felt the slight kiss she placed on my cheek. "I love you too, Lily Billy," I murmured, my childhood nickname for her slipping from my lips before I slid into a deeper sleep. When I woke up later that evening, she and Potter had left, and my parents were waiting for me. I expected them to be angered by my outburst, but all I saw in their faces was sad acceptance. It was my father who spoke first.

"So, you have some news for us?" he questioned me gently. And with those words, the game began.

I pasted a fake, bright smile on my face. "Yes, Dad, I have wonderful news. Vernon asked me to marry him today. I was hoping for a May wedding."

"But Petunia, that’s only two months away!" my mother said to me.

"I know, but I want to begin my new life straight away."

"Alright, dear, if that’s what you want."

"I’m sure of it, Mother."

So, plans went forth for my wedding to Vernon Dursley. Lily had gotten a flat in that funny town of here, Hogsmeade if I recall correctly, and that’s where the obligatory invitation went. When I didn’t receive a reply from her by the RSVP date, I wasn’t really surprised. I figured that she probably had better things to do. A dull ache filled my chest when I realised how little regard she had for me.

Wishing you were somehow here again,

Wishing you were somehow near;

Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,

Somehow you would be here.

Wishing I could hear your voice again,

Knowing that I never would,

Dreaming of you won’t help me to do

All that you dreamed I could.

My wedding day dawned bright and blue, with nary a cloud in sight. I was nervous, and happy. Yet, part of my heart was heavy, knowing that my sister would not be seeing me on this day. Oh, how I wished my pride had not been so stubborn – that I had been more accepting of her new life.

As I walked down the aisle on the arm of my father, I felt a strange sense of peace settle on my soul. I did not know that at that very moment Lily was walking down the aisle herself – having the double wedding of our dreams, though they were carried out hundreds of miles apart. When I returned from our honeymoon, I found a letter from Lily, telling Vernon and me that she had been married in May. No specifics, just "in May".

Two years later, our Dudley made his appearance. I never bothered to tell Lily I was pregnant – I just let her know when he was born. I was still hurt over the snub of my wedding. On the 2^nd of August, we received word that Lily had given birth to a son as well. She and James had named him Harry. We were invited to his christening, but we didn’t bother going.

Passing bells and sculpted angels,

Cold and monumental,

Seem for you the wrong companions;

You were warm and gentle.

Too many years

Fighting back tears

Why can’t the past just die?

 

The next I knew of my sister was the morning I found her child on our doorstep. He was a handsome child, with her eyes. I picked him up, and he looked at me and smiled. It was then I noticed the letter tucked in his hand. Bringing him into the living room, I sat to read the letter. When my eyes reached the words telling of Lily’s death I let out a scream, causing Vernon to come running. With a shaking hand, I gave him the letter, which he quickly scanned.

"What’d I tell you, Petunia? I knew she’d get herself blown up one of these days."

I turned to him, grief and fury in my eyes. "Don’t you dare say that about my sister! For all that she was, she was still my sister, and I love her!" I picked up her son, now in our care, and carried him to our bedroom, shutting the door behind me. Dudley was still asleep in his crib. I decided not to wake him, as he slept this long. I grabbed a bottle of formula that I kept on hand for Dudley. Harry hungrily drank from the bottle. When he’d finished, I burped him and carried him to the bed. I felt tired and emotionally drained as I lay down on the bed with little Harry. It was then my tears began to flow. All I knew about her burial was that she had an angel to look after her. I could never visit the grave – the "risks" were too great. Her eyes in that little face stared at me and this made me cry harder.

"No cry," his voice said to me, "Sleep." With those words he snuggled close to me and did just that – slept. I wrapped my arms around him and fell into the comforting depths of sleep.

I awoke a while later to the harsh cries of Dudley. Carefully extracting myself from Harry’s grasp, I rose and picked up my son, glad that he still had his parents. It was then that I decided to never tell Harry of his heritage. It had only brought me pain, and I did not want that for my sister’s only son.

Vernon insisted on treating Harry like a second-class citizen, and as he began to look more like his father every year, I found myself acting in a similar fashion. After all, James was the one who’d stolen my Lily from me.

He got his letter the summer of his eleventh year. I wasn’t really surprised, as he had shown some signs already of being magical. Try as I might to stamp them out, each incident seemed to make his talents stronger. I felt a little prick of pride when he got his letter, as if this were some indication that he was meant to be strong – to still be magical after all we did to stamp it out.

When he was gone that first year, I felt an empty spot in my heart. I had known for a long time I could never hate him – he was my sister’s. But the loneliness of his being gone caught me by surprise. I wanted to write him, but every time I tried to put pen to paper, I could think of nothing to write. So I sent nothing, and tried to forget the loneliness.

Christmas time was especially hard for me. Lily had always loved Christmas, loved to give gifts to others. I wanted to send Harry something nice for the holidays, as he was not coming back until summer, but Vernon had already sent some trifle in our name, so I sent nothing, placing the money I would have used for the gift into a trust for when he came of age. I had been doing this for some time, and while it wasn’t much, I hoped it would give him some freedom later in life.

Wishing you were somehow here again,

Knowing we must say good-bye.

Try to forgive

Teach me to live,

Give me the strength to try.

No more memories,

No more silent tears,

No more gazing across the wasted years.

Help me say goodbye.

The first summer home brought much fear to Vernon and Dudley. I played my part, and sneered at what he’d learned. Secretly, I was proud he was doing well.

I found the photo album among his things one night after he’d snuck down to get his texts for homework. I was intrigued to see if the texts had changed much, so I went to the cupboard beneath the stairs, and opened his trunk. On top was the album.

I pulled it out and carried in to the living room. Turning on the lamp near the sofa, I sat down and opened it. The first picture I saw was one of Lily, James and Harry. Lily was smiling and holding Harry, while James waved Harry’s little hand at me. I started to cry a little as I looked at pictures of Lily and James in school and pictures of her life with James. The last picture in the album was a wedding picture. Lily looked so beautiful in her gown, and James looked so handsome. I noticed that the picture was not as firmly set as the others, and seemed to call to me – to turn it over. Unable to ignore this compulsion, I did so, and found writing on the back. It read in Lily’s flowery writing: "Our wedding day – Lily and James & Petunia and Vernon. May 16^th 1978."

The full recognition of those words took time to set in my brain. When I finally realised their importance, I began to cry harder. "Oh, Lily, we did have our double wedding after all. Our dream was fulfilled," I whispered to the air. Slowly I replaced the photo back in the album, and out it back into Harry’s trunk. Then I went back upstairs, pausing to look into his room. He had fallen asleep over one of his books, and I got the feeling this wasn’t the first time.

I slipped into his room, and placed his books onto his nightstand. I then tucked him into his bed. His sudden hug surprised me as much as his words – "I love you" until I realised he was dreaming. He could never really love me, not after the way I treated him for so long. But I still bent down and placed a tender kiss on his forehead. As I turned to go to my room, I missed his knowing smile, and the glimmer of happiness in his eyes.

Standing outside his room, I once again spoke to air. "Lily, if you can hear me, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I just felt so lost without you. I miss you so much, Lily. I hope you forgave me before you left this world. I love you Lily Billy."

As I entered the room where my husband slept, I swore I smelt the fragrance of fresh lilies. And I knew, with all my heart and mind that she had forgiven me for pushing her away all those years ago. As sleep began to claim me, I turned to Vernon and told him what I’d never said to him. "I love you, Vernon." Turning back to the window, my eyes slowly closed, and I was pulled back into a half-sleep that I recalled from when Lily had announced her engagement. I felt a hand rubbing my back, lulling me into a deeper sleep. Just before the deep sleep took me, I felt lips touch my forehead.

"I love you, too, Petunia. Forever and always." And in my sleep, I smiled.