Who Wants to Live Forever

Who Wants to Live Forever

A Series of Vignettes

#4: Aquis Amor Exstingui non Potest

She had heard the shuffling of feet go past her door, though when she'd looked out, there'd been no one in the halls. She went back to grading papers and forgot about what she'd thought she'd heard. A few moments later, half-an-hour at the most, she heard an ungodly scream pierce the quiet of the night. Hurriedly, she pulled on her dressing robe, pushed her feet into slippers and raced to the Great Hall.

When she got there, she saw Albus there, trying to mediate an argument between Sirius, James, and Severus. "What's going on here? Why are you out of your rooms at this time of night?" she asked.

"Minerva, your students were just playing a prank on Mister Snape, here. Nothing harmful, isn't that right, Severus?"

Severus glared at the Headmaster before curtly nodding. Minerva could feel that there was more to the situation than anyone was letting on.

"See, everything's fine. Now, go back to your rooms. Everything will be fine come morning." Albus turned and made his way to his rooms, but the boys made no move to leave. Finally, Minerva broke the silence.

"Potter, Pettigrew, Black - return to your dorms. I'll deal with you in the morning; don't believe you'll be getting off easy." She waited until they'd moved out of earshot before she addressed the young man who remained. "Mr Snape, come to my office. I have some questions to ask you."

"Can it wait until morning, Professor? I just want to get some sleep."

"No, I'm sorry, it can't wait."

"Very well then, lead the way."

Once they were inside her office, she brewed a pot of tea. While it was steeping, she asked, "Severus, I could tell something else was wrong besides just some silly prank. Tell me, what really happened?"

"Your precious Gryffindors tried to kill me. Well, James saved me, but only because he had to. Sirius would have let me die, or worse." He poured himself a cup of jasmine tea and took a sip of it.

After pouring herself a cup as well, she questioned him again. "Worse, how?"

"I'd have been like Lupin, living a half-life, and that's no life at all."

Minerva began to put the pieces together. "So, because of this rivalry of yours with James, they decided to leave you alone with Remus on his transformation night?"

"That, and the fact that I had almost discovered what Lupin really is. They were afraid I'd tell the whole school about the condition, and they wanted to keep me quiet," he bitterly replied.

Minerva was aghast. She didn't want to believe this about her Griffundors, and yet she knew Severus never lied. His sense of honour would not permit him to. "Is Professor Dumbledore going to do anything about this?"

Severus gave a short, mirthless laugh. "Sully his precious Gryffindor's names? I don't think so. Besides, we have to protect the werewolf, make him feel like one of us. Well, what about how I feel? Why does he insist on catering to them?"

"Because he, too, was a Gryffindor once and still feels a sense of loyalty to his House," she relpied.

"That is the most ridiculous statement I've ever heard. He's the Headmaster - he's supposed to be impartial."

"Have you ever met a truly impartial person?"

"Yes."

"Who?"

"I'm looking at her right now," he replied. She looked up into his eyes, and was surprised to see the intensity in his gaze. Blushing, she looked back at her tea. "Why are you blushing? Don't you believe me?"

"O-of course I believe you, Severus. It's just..."

"What?"

"I don't know." Minerva felt the tension build in the room, and desperately tried to think of some way to break it. She was shocked when she felt a hand caress her cheek. She'd been so lost in thought she hadn't seen Severus move to her side. She stared into his eyes, which were still blazing intensely and unconsciously she leaned in towards him. Their lips met briefly, and she tasted the hint of jasmine the tea had left behind. Breaking the kiss, she rose hurriedly to her feet. "I wish that a flood would wash over me right now, and take these feelings away," she whispered.

Rising to his feet, Severus put a hand on her shoulder and replied, "Aquis amor exstingui non potest." With his other arm, he reached behind her and drew out the pin that held her hair up in its bun.

She tried to protest this sudden vulnerability, but was silenced with another kiss. She began to cry, to her intense mortification.

"Why are you crying?" Severus gently asked.

"Neither of us can afford to be caught in a situation like this. Everything is on the line."

"But I think I love you."

"Please, don't say that."

"It's the truth, and one should always speak truth to life. What are you afraid of?"

"Love. I've been hurt before and I don't want to see that happen to someone else. Go now. Please?"

"I'll go, but only if you promise to wear your hair down tomorrow."

"Yes, yes, I will," she hastily agreed and ushered him out the door. Leaning against the door, she began to sob. 'What have I agreed to? Why did I say yes?' she thought. Slowly, she made her way to bed, the papers she was grading lying forgotten on the desk. That night, she dreamt of serious dark eyes, and lips so soft.

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The next day, she kept her promise and wore her hair loose, though the front she pulled back into a clip so it wouldn't get in her face. But strangely, Severus wasn't at breakfast. Albus noticed Minerva looking for him, and said, "He never returned to his dorm last night, you can drop the act, Minerva."

"What are you implying?"

"I know he spent the night with you, there's no use denying it."

"No, Albus, he did not. I will take Veritaserum to prove that, if I must. We talked for a bit about your incompatancy, and then he left. I haven't seen him since." She turned her head, by chance, to look at the doors to the Great Hall. "Oh my goddess," she breathed.

There stood Lucius Malfoy, his hand on the shoulder of a very ill-looking Severus. Minerva stood and ran over to where they were, followed closely by Albus and Hortensia Thornton, the head of Slytherin.

"Are you all right, Severus?" Minerva anxiously asked.

"I am now. Lucius helped me see the path I needed to take," he replied tonelessly. Minerva sensed he was shutting her out, shutting them all out, but there was nothing she could do in front of all the students and faculty.

Lucius sneered and said, "I return him to your loving care, Albus. Make certain you take care of him this time." He then turned and exited the Great Hall with a flourish, and many of the students stared after him.

Minerva heard herself say, "Mister Snape, let's get you up to the Infimary. Madam Pomfrey will have something to calm your stomach." She took his arm and led him away from the staring eyes of his classmates.

Instead of leading him to the Infirmary, though, she took him to her office. Once inside, she said, "Through that other door is a sitting room. You can sleep on the sofa. When I return, I'd like to speak to you. Please stay," she implored him,, a softness appearing in her eyes, something he'd seen last night after he'd kissed her.

"Yes, I'll stay. But what about my classes?"

"Do not worry about them. One of your classes is mine, right?"

"Yes, and the other is Potions with Professor Thornton. She'll be none to pleased if I miss, as I seem to be the only student who can complete my assignments without blowing up a cauldron."

"She saw how you looked. I doubt she'll begrudge you one class. If she does, I'll make certain to take the blame. Now go, and rest." She turned and bustled out the door, missing his grateful look, and the soft sigh that escaped his lips unbidden. He moved off to the sitting room and laid down on the setee, breathing in her heady scent that lingered on the pillows. Soon, he was asleep, his arm flung above his head.

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Minerva returned a few hours later, and found him sleeping soundly, his face buried in one of her pillows. She brought out a blanket and laid it over him, watching him pull up the blanket around his neck. It was then she noticed the angry red welt on his left arm. She felt her heart drop and quick tears appeared in her eyes. 'Merlin, why did my heart become entangled? I knew this would only lead to trouble.' She watched him for a few minutes, trying to decide what to say when he woke. Her thoughts were interrupted by his voice.

"I didn't want this. Uncle Lucius thought it would be best to get me in the inner circle as soon as possible. Now there's no way out."

"There's always a way out. Let me tell Albus, he'll know some way to help."

"No! He's got me into this by accepting the werewolf! Help me, Minerva, please!"

He sounded so desperate, she felt her heart would burst from care. Dropping to her knees, she took him in her arms, crying into his hair. "I don't know how to help you, Severus. All I can tell you is to be strong while I try to think of something."

"I can't be seen with you, you know that. You're Gryffindor, one of them. I'll never stop loving you, I hope you'll know that, even when things look bleakest."

"Why are you making this sound so final?"

"Because if they know of the love that I have for you, they'll try to get you to become one of us. And I know how you'll react, and then you'll get hurt, or worse. I couldn't bear that!" he strongly said.

Quickly, she leaned in, and gave him a deep kiss, one that spoke of love, pain, regret, and myriad other emotions. Throwing her arms around him, embracing him, she whispered in his ear, "I love you. Forgive me." Breaking the embrace, she stood and moved from his side. "Stand up, Mister Snape. All the begging in the world would not get me to change your abysmal Transfigurations marks. Maybe if you spent more time studying and less time harassing my Gryffindors, you'd do better." Her voice was harsh, yet strained, her eyes filled with anguish as she stared at him.

Severus returned her gaze with his own tortured eyes. "I understand completely, Professor McGonagall. You'll never see past my exterior as a Slytherin to give me the help I need. One day, you'll regret this, McGonagall!" he shouted at her, though his voice was drenched in sorrow. He got up from the sofa and stormed out of the room, ignoring the various Gryffindors who were staring murderously at him for his shouting at their beloved Transfigurations professor.

Minerva collapsed on the sofa and began to cry deep, heart-wrenching sobs. 'This is why I didn't want to love again,' she thought, as a snippet of a song passed through her head. "But me and my true love will never meet again by the bonny bonny banks of Loch Lomond," she sadly sang through her tears, before falling asleep, drained from the emotional ride she'd been on.

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The years passed, and the spectre of Voldemort hung over them, long after his first fall. They'd spent so many years apart, that the love they had became something of a myth to both of them. Something to dream about when the nights got lonely. Yet the words of Solomon still rang through their minds when it became too much to keep up the façade of hate, or it seemed as if the other had lost the love.

Aquis Amor Exstingui non Potest.