Cedric Diggory's Wake

 

Cedric Diggory's Wake

Cedric Diggory's death caused great sadness and the funeral was an extremely unhappy event. It was hoped that the Wake could be more of a celebration, the sort of party Cedric himself, would have enjoyed. The Diggorys' decided to host the Wake at their family home and invited any members of the magical community that could spare the time and wanted to come. Although, not everything went to plan and this so called wake turned out to be the biggest piss fest ever!

Since Amos Diggory worked for the Ministry of Magic, all the beaurocrats turned up to the Wake early to put in a good appearance. A number of Hogwarts students arrived also, escorted by either their parents or Hogwarts teachers so that no under age drinking, drugs or sex would take place. Of course the students all knew the teachers real intention was to pick up single and married parents. Harry already knew Severus Snape was a lonely, greasy haired loser who lived with his parents, but seeing him attempt to chat up women tonight would just be plain sad. Harry would have to remind himself to put a blinding charm on the poor naive woman Snape gets with. The Diggorys' living room quickly filled with guests, socializing and enjoying the scrumptious finger food and drinks.

Albus Dumbledore, Rubeus Hagrid and Severus Snape observed the sad, drooping sign that hung from the Diggorys' house proclaiming:

Cedric Diggory's Wake (I av premiaan piss)

'Oh Albus,' Hagrid moaned, wiping a tear from his eye, 'poor, poor Cedric... wha' do you think the las' message means?'

'I av premiaan piss?' Dumbledore enunciated the words carefully, then raised his wand and magically  rearranged the letters:

Snape is a vampire

Severus  blushed furiously.

'Oops' Dumbledore muttered, quickly removed the words from the sign.

* * * * *

Lucius Malfoy was busy bossing around lower ranked Ministry Officials in the Diggorys' living room when Cornelius Fudge sidled up to him with an ecstatic look on his face.

'Your son is quite an entrepreneur, Lucius,'

'Really?' Lucius replied, only half listening.

'Yes. He is selling these cute, little, fake tattoo things. Says that the money is going to help house elves.'

Lucius suddenly looked very interested. 'fake tattoo things?' he inquired suspiciously.

Fudge retrieved an object from his coat pocket and held it up in front of Malfoy's face. Lucius' eyes widened. The sticker was of a small, black skull with a serpent crawling out of the mouth.

'Cornelius, would you excuse me for a minute? I need a word with my son,' Lucius stated with forced calm. He turned quickly and headed across the room to where Draco was standing, surrounded by first year Slytherins.

'Draco!' Lucius grabbed Draco by the ear and hauled him outside. 'Dark Mark tattoo? What have I told you about not openly supporting You Know Who?!'

* * * * *

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Sirius (disguised as their pet dog)  arrived with the rest of the Weasley family half an hour late. Their lateness was a consequence of Percy taking too long choosing clothes appropriate to be seen in by high ranking Ministry Officials. All the nice finger food had already been eaten, much to Sirius' disappointment.

Most of the guests had dried their eyes by this time, although Cho Chang still wouldn't move from the corner of the room. She was surrounded by a mass of tissues and Roger Davies kept beckoning her to the food table.

What's so special about Cho, Harry thought to himself. Only that she's gentle, kind, compassionate, smart, sporting, cool, popular and extremely good looking... why did she fall for Cedric?

A mini Devil appeared on Harry's shoulder, resolved to give him guidance: You know Cedric had a big heart, but he was still just a thick jock.

Harry pushed the thought out of his mind, determined not to think badly about the dead. I wonder who else is here? Looking around the room, he noticed that most of the Hogwarts teachers were present, plus a number of students, and there were a lot of Ministry wizards that Harry didn't know. There were also a lot of animals present. Owls (including Ron's Pigwidgeon, why did they bring that irritating, food thieving, pain?), cats, one large black dog (Sirius) and a very large, very familiar looking snake entwined around a serving bowl.

Harry spied Lucius Malfoy through the crowd. What is that creep doing at Cedric's Wake? Ron noticed too.

'Who invited that piece of slime?' Ron scowled.

'Come on, lets see what he's up to,' Harry suggested.

They both grabbed a butterbeer each then hid behind the table Lucius Malfoy and Arabella Figg were standing beside. Malfoy was deep in conversation with Ms Figg and neglected to notice Harry and Ron watching them intently.

'... so you will be teaching my son,' they heard Lucius say.

'Yes, but I'm afraid I have not met your dear Draco,' Arabella replied politely.

'Oh, I have a picture of him here. I'll show you.' Lucius fumbled for his wallet. Arabella poured herself some punch as she waited. Accidentally Lucius opened his wallet, and to Harry and Ron's horror a metre's worth of connected photos dropped out. They showed images of Tom Riddle asleep in the Slytherin dormitory, Tom Riddle putting on his Hogwarts robes, Tom Riddle in the Prefects bathroom, thirty year old Voldemort wearing black robes, rebirthed Voldemort holding his wand, and so the pictures continued.

Lucius hastily stuffed the string of photos back into his wallet. Arabella looked up from her drink and Lucius knew that she hadn't seen the photos.

'Just pictures of my wife. I'm sure I've got a picture of Draco here somewhere,' Lucius added quickly.

* * * * *

'Harry and Hermione?!' Ginny wailed. 'No WAY, how dare you ship that way!'

'But he really likes her,' Dennis Creevy replied.

'Definitely NOT!' Ginny hissed. 'Why do you think he saved me in Book 2.'

'Hermione kissed him at the end of Book 4.'

'That meant nothing.' Ginny looked envious. 'Plus, my bother has a secret crush on Hermione. He keeps a picture of her next to his bed, so there!'

'What? Ron's fourth year group Gryffindor picture?' Dennis laughed.

'Ok, so it does have people other than Hermione in it - but Hermione is at the front of the photo!' Ginny was stomping her foot.

'You Gryffindor Shippers are SO pathetic.' It was Pansy Parkinson. 'Who really cares! Why don't you just write threesomes into your stupid fanfics!'

'And I'm sure a perverted fanfictionist like yourself would!' Ginny growled.

'Just because you're a Purist and I like Draco in tight leather, doesn't mean you can talk to me like that!' Pansy put her hands on her hips. 'You are such an innocent, inexperienced child. Stupid Gryffindor, Slytherins are so much sexier! I would have thought that sharing your soul with the Dark Lord would have taught you something.'

'Funny though... you fantasize about Draco in leather but he wears vicar-like robes to the Yule Ball.' Ginny copied Pansy's pose, standing up straight so she could shoot ice daggers into Pansy's eyes.

'Impending scragfight... I think I'll make myself scarce... ' Dennis Creevy pissed off quickly to the drinks table.

Next to the drinks table, Fred and George Weasley were putting their hands all over the food, but strangely, were not eating any of it.

'If you touch it, you're supposed to eat it,' Dennis ventured.

'Dennis, you are very young... we wouldn't expect you to understand.' Fred winked at George.

'We're on a quest,' George whispered.

'Quest?' Dennis looked confused.

'Shhhhh, not to loud....Its for a rare and mysterious item,' Fred smiled.

'What,' Dennis inquired, becoming suddenly very interested.

'A pornkey!' The Twins said gleefully, eyeing each other.

'It's just like a portkey, except it takes you to a room full of po-'

'GEORGE! I don't think he needs to know that.'

'Sure Fred.'

The twins' attention was drawn away from Dennis as Percy pompously strutted past.

'I swear, he's a Party Dementor,' George grumbled about Percy.

'Yeah, drains humour and celebratory spirit from the guests where ever he goes,' Fred agreed.

'I think it's time we took care of Percy the Public Menace.' George looked malicious.

'I've got an idea... ' Fred grinned from ear to ear.

* * * * *

The cleanliness of the Diggorys' house was really starting to bother Hermione. The house elves must really suffer, she thought to herself. Maybe I should check on them - ask them how they are treated.

Hermione wandered away from the living room and the party. She spied a closed door toward the back of the house. Maybe this is where they live? She swiftly opened the door.

The sight of Severus Snape with his hands in the laundry washing basin greeted her. He seemed to be furiously scrubbing his left inner forearm. Must have spilt something on himself, Hermione thought.

'Oh - I'm sorry Professor,' Hermione excused herself and quickly closed the door. 'I'll try the bathroom,' she muttered to herself.

It was then that she noticed the strange banging noise coming periodically from the bathroom. How horribly cruel - the Diggorys' elves must be punishing themselves. As she entered the bathroom Hermione realised that the toilet door was charmed shut and something on the other side wanted desperately to escape. Poor elves.

'Alohamora!' Hermione tapped her wand on the door, which sprang open to reveal a very unhappy looking Percy Weasley.

'Eh? Percy?'

* * * * *

He's always got his head stuck up other peoples' asses. We thought if he spent enough time in the toilet he would get over this fixation,' Fred finished dramatically.

Ron was laughing hysterically and Harry couldn't hold back the smile that was curling his lips.

'Say, what are they so interested in?' George stared at the group of first year boys huddled near the doorway.

'... mine's six inches,' one said.

'Yeah right!' another replied sarcastically.

'Oh, they're comparing wands. Remember when we did that back in first year. Lets show them our wands,' Harry suggested. Fred and George looked very amused.

'So Ron, tell them how long yours and Harry's wands are' Fred whispered, nudging George.

'Hi everyone,' Ron and Harry introduced themselves. 'Mine's eleven inches and Ron's is fourteen' Harry commented excitedly. The mouths of the first years fell agape. Instantly Fred and George fell over laughing.

'You great prats!' Fred yelled.

'Comparing wand length - how thick are you two!' George was overcome with another fit of laughter. The first years blushed. Harry and Ron couldn't take the humiliation anymore and quietly slipped away.

Ron commented that he wanted to find Hermione, so Harry started looking for Sirius. He sidled past a group of people huddled in a circle in the corner of the room.

'... ten galleons he gets it in two months.'

'No, Wormtail will live longer than that. The Dark Lord is still using him for information. I bet fifteen galleons that he will be disposed of in a years' time.'

Harry recognised the voices instantly - Death Eaters. Harry slid behind a chair out of sight, but suddenly Sirius appeared. Sirius crouched outside the Death Eaters' circle, entranced by their conversation.

'Woof, woof!'

The Death Eaters turned around to look at Sirius. Sirius shook his head violently and twenty galleons glittered to the floor from the pouch attached to his collar.

'This dog wants to place a bet?'

'Woof!' Sirius replied.

'Ok, how long do you think Rat Features will last? Half a year... two years?'

Sirius shook his head.

'Two weeks tops,' interjected another Death Eater.

'Woof!'

'Alright then. Your bet has been recorded, Mister Big Black Dog.'

* * * * *

Two hours later Harry noticed Cornelius Fudge sitting at the back of the room by himself, reading.

'Ah, excuse me, Mister Fudge... Sir. What is that you are reading,' Harry inquired, even though he could already see the title.

Fudge hurriedly closed the book and forced a smile. 'Oh, Harry Potter! Fancy seeing you here.'

'That's Book 5 isn't it!' Harry exclaimed, pointing at the book in Fudge's hand. Fudge hastily hid it behind his back.

'Don't be ridiculous, my boy. You've had too much butterbeer.' Fudge looked strained.

'I know it's Book 5. Where did you get it?' Harry eyed Fudge sternly.

* * * * *

In the front garden of the Diggorys' house there were two dark figures hidden in the rose bushes. The taller of the two was sitting cross-legged, gazing into a crystal ball that showed the whole scene occurring in the Diggorys' living room. The second figure cowered opposite the crystal ball.

'Take off that dreadful Harry Potter hat and T-shirt if value your life! Everywhere I go I have to stare at that stuff - it makes me sick!

'But... my Lord... I really like the Harry Potter Warner Brothers^TM merchandising.' Wormtail sank lower to the ground. 'Fudge has Book 5?' Wormtail whispered, not making eye contact with Voldemort.

'I have already read Book 5,' Voldemort hissed. 'Hence I will not make the pathetic mistakes that J. K. Rowling describes in Book 5.'

'...But. But. You can change the future?' Wormtail looked awed. 'I didn't know that was possible.'

'I do not answer to J. K. Rowling!' Voldemort spat. 'Anyway, I have read Books 1 to 4 and studied them in detail, so my plan for this year is much more sophisticated...'

Voldemort continued raving for over an hour about his new plan to reek havoc and destruction. Wormtail fell fast asleep. When he had finished, Voldemort looked at the sleeping Wormtail.

'Hn...' Voldemort raised his wand. 'Crucio!'

* * * * *

'You see, I wanted to find out if I was going to die in Book 5,' snibbled tipsy Cornelius Fudge. 'I got it from Lucius Malfoy. He tossed it aside and said something about wanting Book 7, not Book 5.'

'Probably wanted to know if Voldemort triumphed, so he could back the winning side,' Harry murmured under his breath.

Suddenly the front door burst open to the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning. Everyone in the living room went silent and turned to face the tall dark figure that stood in the doorway.

'Cedric!' Cho Chang ran forward, tears streaming down her cheeks. 'You're alive?!'

The crowd of watching people had their mouths wide open. Cho stopped a metre in front of Cedric, shaking.

'Are... are you a... a ghost?' she reached out and grasped Cedric's wrist, then embraced him warmly. 'I love you,' Cho cried into his shoulder. 'I 've missed you so much.'

Cedric had a smug, knowing smile plastered across his face.

'Cedric?' Cho looked into his eyes, questioning. At that moment, Cedric's features began to warp. His hair grew longer and lightened. His face became less angular and he shrunk to Cho's height. To her horror, Cho realised she had her hands gripping the arms of a thirty - something year old woman.

'I always knew Cedric was a girl!' Ron giggled to himself.

'Sorry Cho,' the woman laughed. Cho looked broken.

Mr and Mrs Diggory were fuming. 'Polyjuice Potion! I never thought you would stoop that low, Ms Rowling.'

Lucius Malfoy snickered.

'Oh, I thought it would be a great joke,' J. K. Rowling said disappointedly. 'You know, liven up this Wake a bit.'

Half the guests looked flabbergasted and the other half looked disgusted. Harry pushed through the crowd and stopped directly in front of J. K. Rowling. There we tears welling in his sad eyes.

'Ms Rowling,' he murmured coldly, 'It was your fault my parents died.'

'But Harry, it is because of me that you were created,' J. K. Rowling responded soothingly.

'I don't care - why did my parents have to die!' he shrieked.

Mr and Mrs Diggory eyed her furiously. 'Tell us, Ms Rowling, how many more innocent people have to die and suffer for this book series to be completed?'

'You will find out in Books 5 to 7,' J. K. Rowling answered, unfazed.

'Yeah!' Some drunk Ministry Official in the crowd yelled out. 'We've read Books 1 to 4 and we ALL know everything about Harry!'

Harry whimpered. 'Ok... so everyone does know my deepest, darkest, innermost secrets... like my crush on Cho and my dislike of Ginny.' (Ginny began crying). Harry stood up straight, 'But at least I didn't spent years searching Hogwarts' girls' bathrooms for the opening to the Chamber of Secrets like Tom Riddle did!

No one took much notice of Harry's last statement.

'Who's Tom Riddle?' Fudge asked Malfoy. Lucius blushed.

'And Harry,' J. K. Rowling turned her attention back to him, 'You know that you are my very, very special little boy... and I love you more than anything in the entire world.' She lowered her gaze and muttered under her breath, 'You are making me millions!'

'I heard that!' Harry cried angrily.

'What? Spoilers? Like that you are the Gryffindor heir, Cho is the Ravenclaw heir and Cedric was the Hufflepuff heir?' J. K. Rowling asked.

'Hufflepuff always gets screwed over,' Flitwick sulked.

J. K. Rowling looked very stressed. 'Umm... I think I might go now.' She turned and headed for the door. 'Oh, and by the way Lucius, that wasn't the real Book 5 I gave you,' J. K. Rowling yelled back triumphantly. 'None of my creations will get the better of me! MwahahaHA!'

'Don't be so sure, Joanne. You can't fight the Imperius Curse,' Lucius Malfoy smirked inwardly.

Dumbledore found the whole situation very unsatisfactory, so he followed J. K. Rowling out the door in the vain hope of getting a chance to talk some sense into her. Hermione put her arm around Harry's shoulder and led him to the bathroom so he could dry his eyes. Ginny watched on angrily. It was all too stressful for Cho who fainted.

'Does anyone know mouth to mouth resuscitation?!' a drunken Cornelius Fudge hollered.

Instantly a swarm of Dementors arrived at the door. Roger Davies hastily picked up the limp Cho and McGonagall banished the Dementors with her Patronus. Right on cue, Remus Lupin walked in with a huge tray of chocolate.

'Why, how thoughtful of you, Lupin' Snape sneered sarcastically, reaching for a piece of chocolate. Lupin lightly slapped his hand away.

'Sorry Severus. The chocolate's for sale specifically to the students, not the teachers.' Remus picked up a piece and delicately nibbled the edge. 'And since I am nolonger a teacher, I guess that means I can eat it too.'

Severus Snape now looked more than pissed off, he looked deadly. He was so busy giving Lupin a filthy look that he didn't even notice Sirius lifting his back leg until it was too late. The dog piddle dripped down Snape's leg and pooled wetly in his shoe.

'BLACK!' Snape scowled. Sirius lithely dodged the viscous kick that followed. Lupin couldn't help himself and quietly giggled. Having relieved himself, Sirius returned to the food table. Snape turned on his heal and silently stormed out of the house.

* * * * *

Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil mused on the J. K. Rowling incident, including Harry walking away with Hermione and Ginny crying.

'Harry/Ginny, that was a shipping disaster!' Lavender observed.

'Yeah, the Harry/Ginny ship just sunk,' Parvati agreed.

'But Harry/Hermione... I thought that was against the laws of nature?' Lavender looked slightly sick.

'Why?'

'I call it The Sickness,' Lavender whispered in a low voice. 'You see, J. K. Rowling modeled Hermione on herself as a young person, and she calls Harry her son...'

'So?'

'Don't you get it? J. K. Rowling is getting with her fictional son!'

'EWWW! Incest!' Parvati paled.

'Harry Potter is like J. K. Rowling's giant Mary Sue fanfic. Harry will get with Hermione because J. K. Rowling wants to get with Harry... understand?'

'So all the stuff about good vs evil, courage, morals etc, is absolute crap. The Harry Potter series is just an excuse for J. K. Rowling to live out her sick fantasy!'

* * * * *

Oliver Wood was surrounded by a group of first and second year Quidditch - mad girls.

'I am just so much more charismatic!' Wood exclaimed.

'Ooooh - so true!' the girls cooed.

'Biggerstaff has nothing on me...'

Draco, Crabbe and Goyle could easily hear Wood from the other side of the room.

'So... they are discussing the Movie.' Draco looked at Crabbe and Goyle.

'My beautiful hair,' he crooned. 'Tom Felton had black roots! What a scandal!' Crabbe and Goyle nodded in agreement.

'That Columbus! My Father will have something to say to him!' Draco puffed out his chest. 'He'll know his place when MY FATHER is through with him!'

Draco stopped his speech, momentarily distracted by the large snake coiled on the table. It was snapping at Pigwidgeon, who stayed just out of reach of its jaws, but consequently, also out of reach of the chips.

'Stupid serpent,' Draco observed. 'Have some butterbeer.' Draco grabbed the snake around the neck and attempted to pry open its mouth.

'Right! That's it!' Voldemort stood up quickly next to his crystal ball. 'This time Lucius' brat has gone too far!' In a split second he had disapparated. Wormtail peered over at the crystal ball to observe the ensuing situation.

Whoosh! Draco was staring into a mass of blue smoke. No, it wasn't smoke, he was staring into two frightening red eyes. Draco froze.

'My Nagini doesn't drink!' Voldemort snatched the serpent out of Draco's shaking hands.

Flitwick dropped the punch he was pouring and screamed, 'IT'S YOU KNOW WHO!'

'Whooooo?' Ludo Bagman drunkenly slurred.

'HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED!'

'Naaaaamed?' Ludo repeated.

'LORD V...'

'V? Vodkaaa?' Ludo promptly passed out.

Everyone except the Death Eaters screamed. At that moment, Sybill Trelawney dashed into the room yelling, 'The Dark Lord has risen, the Dark Lord has risen. I have seen it!'

The room went silent and everyone pointed at Voldemort who was delicately wrapping Nagini around his shoulders.

'Oh, I see... ' Trelawney responded in a misty voice.

'Lets get out of here!' Amos Diggory shrieked.

Harry and Ron ran out the front door and through the rose bushes, almost tripping over Cho Chang and Roger Davies who looked quite busy.

'I thought Cho was in morning.' Harry was stunned.

Ron glanced at his watch. 'It's about morning now.'

Meanwhile, the Diggorys' house emptied in less than ten seconds. Only Voldemort, the Death Eaters, Sirius Black, Cornelius Fudge and unconscious Ludo Bagman remained. Fudge was dancing around on one of the tables and singing to himself.

'Been practicing our Imperius Curses have we?' Voldemort asked the Death Eaters as he observed Fudge.

'No Master,' the Death Eaters replied.

'Oh well,' Voldemort turned his attention back to the Death Eaters. 'I bet thirty galleons that Wormtail will only make it for four more months.'

'Sorry My Lord, but you can't bet,' a Death Eater said in a meek voice.

'And why might that be?' Voldemort narrowed his eyes.

'Because you will be the person who kills Wormtail,' another Death Eater responded quietly.

Sirius sat not far away, behind the food table, listening to every word. A growl emanated from his muzzle that sounded a lot like, 'Bullshit! I'll be killing that rodent.'

* * * * *

'Well, that's it,' Colin Creevy announced to the rest of the Gryffindors as the video finished. Colin had taped the whole Wake using his Magic Spy Camcorder^TM and was showing the footage in the Gryffindor common room (the day after Cedric's Wake). 'You will be able to bid for this video on EBay in two weeks time, otherwise I will just except a very large amount of money for it now.'

Abruptly the video flickered and more footage came on. It showed a darkened scene of the teachers' bathroom. The naked backs of two female teachers that looked suspiciously like Professors Sprout and Trelawney,  were easily visible as they sat next to each other in the large bubbly bath. The Gryffindors stared, wide eyed. Colin quickly turned off the tape.

'We'll bid for that last part of the video!' Fred and George called instantaneously.

...umm... I'll be keeping that last part for my private collection,' Colin replied.

***