Four Seasons of Loneliness

Four Seasons of Loneliness

Part 1

I long for the warmth of days gone by

When you were mine

But now those days are memories in time

Life's empty with out you by my side

My heart belongs to you, no matter what I try

Running and jogging. He had tried that first, but the only park nearby was the one he and Draco had taken their evening walks in. There was the bench they always sat at when it got a bit nippy, and a few yards from that was the bush they had once made love under. There was also the tree they had had summer picnics under. So nope, jogging, running, etc was out.

Next he had tried reading to lose himself. But that only reminded him of when it rained and the power went out. Draco would read Shakespeare to Harry by candle and wand light at those times as the thunder crashed and rain pounded a soothing rhythm on the windows. Reading became toast as well, as had cooking, working and shopping, in that order.

And as far as dating... Tristan came to mind. Harry had finally consented to give him a chance. He had liked being with Tristan, and thought he might even be falling for him. Tristan even reminded him of Draco, in small ways. He loved shopping and had a small conceited streak running in him. He was blond, but not as platinum as Draco was. But the similarities ended there, and Harry often found himself comparing them, which he knew wasn't fair to Tristan. He even called Tristan Draco on a couple occasions, which he knew made Tristan feel horrible. There was nothing for it. He had even begun thinking to himself, Draco would have...or even Draco never...and realized it was a lost cause. He had to end things with Tristan; it wasn't fair to be comparing him and Draco at every turn. Truth be told, Tristan actually seemed to feel a little relieved when Harry broke it off, although he had cried and begged Harry not to leave him all the same. Harry had been adamant, and Tristan had packed his bags and left that same night, Harry watching under the streetlight until he faded into the darkness.

When I get the courage up to love somebody new

It always falls apart 'cause they just can't compare to you

Your love won't release me I'm bound under ball and chain

Reminiscing our love as I watch four seasons change

Harry made his way back into the flat, the silence and loneliness engulfing him. Dammit! Every time he tried dating someone, this happened. Draco would edge his way in his mind and Harry would suddenly have a chalkboard in his brain. It would tick off the similarities and differences between Draco and who ever it was he was with at the time, then a pros and cons list would appear. No matter who it was, the pros always came up short, as the one big con was simply this: It wasn't Draco.

Harry kicked the sofa as he went by it, planning to go to his room. He changed his mind and instead plopped on the couch. Memories threatened to overtake, but he edged them out. They kept coming stronger and stronger, and finally he simply let them come.

In comes the winter breeze that chills the air and drifts the snow

And I imagine kissing you under the mistletoe

When springtime makes it's way here

Lilac blooms remind me of the scent of your perfume

When summer burns with heat I always get the hots for you

Go skinny- dippin' in the ocean where we used to do

When autumn sheds the leaves the trees are bare

When you're not here it doesn't feel the same

He remembered springtime, when the park would bloom- trees growing leaves, flowers springing up, the grass becoming greener. It was his favorite season after months of chills and snow. The lilacs were his favorite. Draco had a special bubble bath that he said helped keep his skin soft. It seemed to work; Harry didn't remember a single spot of flesh that wasn't smooth and soft on Draco, especially after he took a bath with it. It had smelled faintly of lilacs.

Summer was humid and Draco often insisted that if they were going to sweat, they'd damn well sweat in style. He had dragged Harry quite often to several different beaches- first Florida, then France, Cancun after that, and the Caribbean next. They had found an actual nude beach in France; Draco said France had a few of them. He had insisted on Harry coming in the water with him. He went, albeit reluctantly. His fondest memory at that beach was Draco going under a particularly large breaker. He had emerged, his platinum hair everywhere. Draco had shrieked, "My hair! It's wet! It's absolutely ruined now!" Harry had laughed himself silly at Draco.

In autumn, the leaves had begun falling. They still took their nightly walk in the park, only now leaves fell everywhere. They found a huge pile behind their favorite picnicking tree and Harry had taken great pleasure in shoving Draco in headfirst. When he emerged, Draco was covered in crunchy leaves. He had scowled at Harry, who was laughing at Draco's expression, and proceeded to yank him in with him. Harry had shrieked himself then, and tumbled headfirst in the pile of leaves as well. They had had a leaf fight, stuffing handfuls down each other's shirts and in the other's face.

When winter came, they had huddled most nights by the fire together in the same manner they had during thunderstorms. Draco would once more read to Harry and he read everything he could get his hands on- Shakespeare, Poe, Austen, Browning, and many more. Blaise and Hermione had decided to host that New Years party, which they had attended. Mistletoe hung on every doorframe, something Harry knew Hermione had planned. Kissing couples were everywhere, and they couldn't escape them. Finally, though, as the clock struck, Harry had kissed Draco under the mistletoe in the living room amidst cheering, clapping people.

Harry sighed; Draco had left that next spring. A fight had ensued because Harry thought one of Draco's co- workers had been getting too friendly. Draco denied anything had happened, which was true. Harry believed him; he only thought Draco was blind to the man's advances. Draco, thinking Harry was being overbearing, had stormed out after saying the relationship was pointless anyway and he'd been wanting out for a while. That had hurt tremendously, and Harry hadn't stopped Draco. If he had wanted out for a while...

Remember the nights when we closed our eyes

And vowed that you and I would be in love for all time

Anytime I think about these things I shared with you

I break down and cry 'cause I get so emotional

Until you release me I'm bound under ball and chain

Reminiscing our love, as I watch four seasons change

Tears ran down Harry's face as he remembered the nights they had spent in the park sometimes under the stars. They would always sit under the same star, one Draco had named officially because Harry had mentioned he thought it would be neat to have a star named after him, so Draco had done it. When he had presented the official documents for Harry, he had gone berserk, kissing Draco with such ferocity that Harry's teeth had bitten his lips harshly. That was the first time Harry had said he loved Draco as well. Draco was shocked. Finally, he stammered that he felt the same. They had made love under the stars that night, swearing they would always be together.

But it was now winter again, and Harry had been without Draco for a whole year. Spring had blossomed, but it had felt empty without Draco, as had summer, devoid of trips to other beaches, and autumn as well, where there hadn't been any leaf pile fights. And as for winter... without Draco reading his usual classics to Harry by the fire, it had been most harsh and cold. He didn't even think about this years New Year party, which was hosted by Seamus and Dean. There just didn't seem to be a point. As obvious as Hermione and Blaise had been in their home with the mistletoe, Seamus was even more obvious. He would get Harry to talk to this bloke and that, and if Harry consented, he knew that the chalkboard would once again appear and make marks, one more pros and cons list would appear, and Harry would crush another heart. He couldn't deal with it again, so he decided to just skip it this year. There really wasn't anyone he'd especially like to appear happy for anyway.

This loneliness

Has crushed my heart

Please let me love again

'Cause I need your love to comfort me and ease my pain

Or four seasons will bring the loneliness again

Harry decided he needed to get out of the flat before he went crazy. Grabbing his coat, he shrugged it on and made his way to the park. When he got there, he sat on his and Draco's bench. Well, actually, he thought, I can probably just call it my bench now. Harry felt a lone tear drop from his eye and make its way slowly down his cheek. He brushed it away and got up, deciding he needed to walk instead of just sitting, and made his way around the paved path that ran through the park. He had just come around to the bend where he and Draco had first confessed their love, when Draco had shown Harry his star, when he stopped short, all breath robbed from him.

That spot was right around the way from their- no, Harry's bench, and he had made a full circle from the bench around the park. He was now a few yards from the bench, and what he saw took his breath away.

Draco sat at the bench. Harry wouldn't have known it was him except for the silvery hair that was blowing in the sharp breeze. Harry glanced around; Draco appeared to be alone. And, Harry saw as he drew closer, he also appeared to be muttering to himself.

"...can't believe I listened that bastard. A whole year spent listening to him, and now look what he's done. Damn it to high hell! I should have just listened to Harry. Damn it!" Right at that moment, he looked up and saw Harry. He froze, simply looking at him.

Harry swallowed hard. This was the first he had seen Draco since he had left almost a year ago. His throat tightened painfully as he remembered his time with Draco, and he finally managed to choke out, "Sorry. I'll just... I'll just, um, go now. Sorry."

He turned and began making his way quickly out of the park, but just as he reached the entrance, a hand gripped his bicep and spun him back around. Draco stared at him. He opened his mouth and closed it again, simply looking at Harry, who was thinking about his first kiss with Draco, their first Christmas, their first Valentine's Day... Finally, he spoke, his voice trembling.

"Harry?" Draco's eyes seemed to plead at him as he said, "Can we talk?"

Remember for warmth of days gone by