Hermione's Guide to Owning a Draco

Hermione's Guide to Owning

A Draco

Number One: Are you REALLY sure you want a Draco? They don't do well with other pets. Either they desire the other pet (This kind of Draco especially likes Harrys, Rons, and Ginnys.) or they pick on the other pets, just because of their lack of parents or wealth…THEY DARE PICK ON MY PERSONAL FAVORITE BREED! Poor Ronniekins, my Ron, he was with a Draco in the petshop. But I took him home and he's happy now with his chocolate! Anyhow, Dracoes also demand the best. They want silk and satin! Not just any food; they demand FANCY FEAST! Sorry, sorry. But you get the picture.

Number Two: Well, obviously, you have no problem with the above. Let's talk about the positives of the Draco. To start, they have gorgeous blond coats and peaches-and-cream skin. Their eyes tend to be ice blue, and the Draco is a beautiful breed indeed. But they have long coats that need constant brushing. Well worth it to fangirls, though. And the Dracoes are easily trained; despite the father of this breed is quite evil. Train them to love and cuddle, and you have a loyal pet. Draco cuddling, goodness, excuse me whilst I get sick.

Number Three: They ADORE gifts and treats and…maybe it's a pet thing…chocolate. But unlike the gluttonous Rons, who eat all candy, Dracoes need state-of-the-art chocolate truffles (See advice bit #1). Honestly, with all the candy you need for a pet, it's a wonder my parents (Dentists for parents can be exasperating) let me keep one!

Number Four: In their living space, they must have A TON of green. I prefer red, but that's another story. Slytherin's color is green after all. Dracoes are very…er…patriotic about their house. Yes, that’s it…

Number Five: They can get very insecure when in love. Dracoes in love are very sensitive things. Either support him in their time of need, or make them come on to you. It's your call. Unsurprisingly, the second method is much more popular.

Number Six: Dracoes get warm very easily, especially around the chest area. Because of this, Dracoes prefer to wear as little clothing as possible. Whilst this is very enjoyable to the owner (Well, I myself wouldn't enjoy it…but hey, fangirls are wild beasts) but it also tends to lure dangerous, kidnapping, fangirls…A good rabid fangirl fence is needed (see chapter 3).

Number Seven: Despite the popularity of this breed, there are many homeless ones. Especially if the Draco is homosexual. Fangirls usually want a suave Leather-Pants Draco bred by the popular Cassandra Claire. Fortunately, fans of the slashy Draco are growing; meaning the number of homeless Dracoes is going down. Visit your local fangirl pet shelter for details on how you can adopt a needy slash Draco.

Number Eight: If you want a Draco, be alert. Only get one from a quality petshop (Fangirl Amy's Hottie Petshop…heh…). Evil ones, often found in darkfic alleyways, will torture, rape, and murder owners. An evil Draco usually has a dark mark. Be safe; get a good Draco. Or if you must, a Not-So-Evil Draco is as far as I would recommend (unless you're a masochist…I won’t get into that).

Number Nine: Once you have your Draco, guard it. Everyone wants a quality Draco! Fangirls are ruthless in this topic. In fact, the other day I heard of a fangirl war…

Number Ten: I should warn you, Lucius Malfoy isn’t exactly friendly to owners. He’ll hit you with that stick of his!

Sticky Situations and How to Cope

Well, what did you expect, buying a slash Draco? Are you just going to torture the poor gay fool by only letting him pet his own pants?

I'm afraid that's a hard habit to kill. If you must, fasten a muzzle on him. I suppose the muzzle could also be used as…ew…mental pictures.

That's a nice situation you've gotten into. Get some bandages.

…My heart goes out to you. Get a rabid fangirl-proof fence. Or lock your Draco in the closet…eww! Why is it that Draco problems always end with sex games?

What are you talking about? Why the heck did you buy one if you weren't sexually attracted? For heaven's sake, give him away to a REAL fangirl…

I'm telling you- call the fangirls. They are surprisingly useful; I should write a book, "101 Uses for a Fangirl"…

Things You Should Buy

7- A computer with access to fanfiction sites. All those Draco-based fics must be hog heaven for him.

8- A bed- OF HIS OWN NOT IN YOUR BEDROOM JEEZ!

9- An e-mail account so you can gush to all your friends that you got a Draco…fangirls…

10- Fangirl support and love, to confirm to him "Yes Harry loves you," and "Yes, you're sexy," and "Yes I like the leather pants." Honestly.

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A few notes:

No, I am not a Draco disser. Remember, it's in Hermione's POV.

No, I am not a fangirl disser. Remember, it's in Hermione's POV.

No, I am not a Gay!Draco disser. Remember, it's in Hermione's POV.

I think you get the message.

Another note completely irrelevant:

Could anyone make me a code for a livejournal? I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks!