His Heart

His Heart

by ObsidianEmbrace

Story Notes: This goes with my novel, A Life More Ordinary, though it stands alone. Pairings: Sirius/Remus, James/Lily

~SBRL~

April 1978

Remus was pacing.

Back and forth.

Clipped steps. Pivot. Clipped steps.

Sirius' eyes followed every one. Each agitated movement. He couldn't stop himself from smiling, though he did try, since Remus wouldn't appreciate the humour. But really, how could Sirius not find this at least a little amusing? He'd just told one of his best friends that he was in love with him, and Remus' response was a ten minute march in front of the fireplace?

"It's hardly news, Moony."

Remus' speed quickened; the steps a little bit louder. "It is to me," he said tersely, not even looking at him.

Sirius didn't believe him, but he could hardly say so. Or maybe he could. "I've only been spending every last moment with you for the past two months."

"You've spent half of those with James and Peter as well," Remus retorted, glancing at him for a brief second.

"James' lips have been attached to Lily's for twice that long," Sirius reminded him. "And Peter--well, God knows where Peter's lips have been." He tried for a half-smile and got a scowl in return. And more pivoting.

Sirius shifted, propping himself up on elbows so he'd have a better view. Another three turns and he was beginning to feel mildly dizzy. "Didn't Lily mention it to you?"

Of course she had; she'd said so only that morning. But obviously Remus wasn't aware. The pacing came to an abrupt halt. "How did you know that?"

Too late to recall the words, Sirius slowly sat up. "I asked her to... er, see how you felt..." He trailed off, uncertain how to interpret the look on Remus' face.

"Why?" Remus eventually croaked.

Sirius tried to ignore the way his gut cringed at the despair in Remus' voice; he didn't think he'd misread Remus' feelings. Not so completely? Not when Remus' cheeks flushed every time Sirius leaned in for a kiss? Not when they'd spent hours talking into the night?

Or perhaps he'd only wanted it so desperately that Sirius had imagined that Remus loved him too? Rubbing his hands together in a stilted, awkward moment, he said quietly, "I wasn't certain how you felt... I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable..."

Idiot, Sirius told himself. Because of course that's what he was doing right now, wasn't it? If Remus' pinched lips were anything to judge by. "Look, I'm sorry, Moony. I shouldn't have mentioned it..."

Remus' fingers curled into fists and Sirius swallowed, though he wasn't exactly certain how he'd caused the rare display of anger.

"How could you tell Lily?" Remus demanded, his fists quivering. Sirius drew back even though Remus came no closer. "She'll tell James," he said in a low voice, stark in its fury. "And then Peter will know."

Stung by the total rejection, Sirius said stiffly, "I don't care if they know how I feel. Even if you don't feel the same-"

"Don't be ridiculous!"

Blood rushed to Sirius' face at the hissed order. "I'm not-

"You can't love me," Remus whispered harshly.

Sirius stared at him, dumbfounded into silence. When he regained his voice, some of his own anger came with it. "Well, why the bloody hell not? I do!"

Remus' lips twisted into an unfamiliar sneer. "Have you forgotten I'm a werewolf?"

"What?" Sirius demanded quietly; he shook his head to clear it of the sudden muddle. "What has that to do with anything?"

"Oh, truly, Sirius," Remus drawled bitterly. "You love a werewolf, do you?"

Sirius blinked several times, trying unsuccessfully to steady the rush of emotions the question elicited. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and had to take a slow breath as Remus stepped back. "I don't love a werewolf, Remus," he said quietly. "I love you."

Remus' arms trembled. "Do you think you can separate the two?" he asked through clenched teeth. "And just have the part of me that isn't a monster? As if that part exists at-"

"Stop it," Sirius said, his voice hoarse with too much pain. He was already standing and he moved toward Remus with purposeful steps, reaching out even though Remus pulled away. "You aren't a monster," he breathed, bringing Remus closer as he flinched. "You aren't. None of that matters. It's only flesh; it isn't who you are."

Remus wrenched himself away. "It is who I am!" With a strength that could probably only come this close to a full moon, Remus ripped several buttons open and his chest was laid bare.

Sirius gazed placidly back, though his gut twisted painfully. "I've seen your scars," he said quietly. "Every full moon for the past two years. I've seen you transform as well, you know. And I don't care."

Remus glared at him. Sirius glared right back.

"I get to be in love with you, Remus. You can't make it go away just because you think I shouldn't."

Remus' jaw quivered but he turned away in the next instant, his fingers curled around the edge of the mantel.

Sirius closed his eyes. "Do you love me?" The words hurt even to say and he shoved his hands deep into his pockets while he waited to be destroyed.

His eyes popped open at the hoarse reply, "Do you even have to ask?"

Sirius took a slow breath as he watched Remus' back heaving. "Yes."

Remus' spine stiffened and it was a long moment before he whispered, "Of course I do."

Sirius' entire body thrummed with the effort not to shout in utter glee at the proclamation. He settled for a huge grin, ignoring the fact that this would still be difficult. Remus would still be difficult. But he could hardly care at the moment.

Remus loved him.

Hoping he wasn't trembling quite as madly as he thought he was, Sirius stepped close to Remus and murmured into his ear, "Will you come to bed with me?"

He already knew he'd won; he could feel the heat as a flush crept up Remus' neck; Sirius grazed his lips over the warm skin, reveling in the reaction. "Please?" he breathed.

As Remus turned, Sirius caught his lips before he could speak. And it was only a matter of a few movements and they were tumbling into Sirius' bed together, with Sirius panting privacy spells between kisses and jerking the curtains closed with one hand while the other finished undoing Remus' buttons.

So that Sirius had a clear view of the scars traversing Remus' chest. He had seen them before, of course, during so many full moons. But not like this; never like this.

And he was beautiful.

--

"Shh... Someone'll hear you..."

"So?"

"James, stop." Lily's whisper breathed into laughter. Sirius cracked an eye, annoyance fading to a smile as he found Remus' arm across his bare chest, his face smushed into Sirius' other pillow. Sirius twisted, his eyes tracing over Remus' peaceful features; perpetually relaxed in slumber. His fingertips grazed the curve of the other man's shoulder; Remus' eyelids fluttered open.

"Hey," Sirius murmured, his mouth melting into a grin that he couldn't control. Remus smiled, his eyes full of drowsy warmth.

"Why? No one's awake," James whispered, breaking the moment. "It's way past curfew..."

"Shh," Lily hissed, followed quickly by another giggle. "Oy, not out here. One of them might wake up..."

"Too late," Sirius muttered as Remus flipped over and rearranged the blankets closer around his body.

Hush, Remus mouthed, grinning a moment later when Sirius made a face at another burst of laughter from Lily.

"James, honestly," she scolded and Sirius imagined she was batting his eager hands away. "At least draw the curtains." It was quiet for a few seconds and Sirius gratefully slid closer to Remus, but before he could do anything more than dip his head for a kiss, Lily's worried voice drifted over, "Remus' bed is empty."

A harrumphing sound from James. "You're in my bed and your thinking about Remus?" For all the huffing, Sirius could hear the amusement in his friend's voice and he smiled.

"Well, aren't you worried? It's past midnight-"

"Those two are always sneaking about--we didn't make that map for nothing."

"But Sirius must be here; his curtains are drawn. And Peter's snoring..." The worry in Lily's voice was deeper now and James sighed.

"All right, I'll wake Sirius, but don't blame me if he's starkers."

Feet plopped on the wood floor and Sirius was already chuckling at Remus' look of horror as the curtains were whipped away. James' startled expression quickly turned to a grin. "Well, it's about time."

"James?" Lily's worried voice floated over.

"Remus and Sirius finally shagged," James called over his shoulder. "Don't come over; Sirius is starkers. Remus as well, actually," he added with a fair smirk. "Don't tell me, Moony" he drawled, "you're gonna sleep in your birthday suit now too?"

"Merlin's balls, James!"

James waved a hand, dismissing Remus' choked protest. "What?" he asked with a shrug. "I've seen all your bits before."

Lunging over Remus, Sirius sent James stumbling with one solid thwack to his chest. "Shove off, you tosser," he said through a laugh.

James straightened his jumper, making a face as he righted himself. "Christ, Padfoot, no need to be so tetchy." He smirked. "I'm not looking, you know. Remus' can't hold a candle to Lily- Ow!" James rubbed the back of his head as Lily appeared. He grimaced while she grabbed his arm and spun him toward his own bed.

"Sorry," she said quietly; she gave Remus a warm smile though before she and James disappeared behind his curtains.

"This is all your fault," Remus grumbled as he yanked the curtains closed again.

Sirius smiled. "I'll accept that," he said, tracing Remus' jaw with his thumb. "What possible protests could I have with you in my bed?"

Remus' brown eyes shone with mirth. "I can think of at least five."

"No you can't," Sirius murmured. He kissed Remus deeply, his lips demanding that Remus not voice even one. And he didn't.

The End