Swallowed in the Sea

Chapter Three: All Of The Moments That Already Passed

14th November 1981

Prongs, Lily and of course, Harry,

Everything's pretty quiet here. The last attack was two weeks ago, as I'm sure you've heard. We don't know yet what's going to happen to Alice when she gets back from her week of isolation treatment but the Healers said Frank's probably never going to recover. Bastards. If only we'd been there earlier, Prongs, then none of this would've happened. Neville is staying at his grandmother's and the way things are going, he'll have to stay there for quite a while.

As I said, that was the last attack. Nothing has happened since and I don't trust it. Neither does Dumbledore, but he probably won't tell you that. They're planning something and I'm worried that this time, they'll come after Remus or Peter or me.

I haven't seen Remus since the Sunday after you went into hiding, and I mean literally seen. I saw him pack and leave. He didn't even give me a chance to talk before he left. He's sent me one owl, a few days ago, saying that I should also clean underneath the closets instead of dusting around them, nothing more. He didn't even mention coming home. Maybe he's not coming back. I don't know what to think anymore.

I've seen Peter a few times, these last few days. Apparently, he still thinks I'm Secret Keeper. He's very much in awe with me, more so than usual. I didn't bother to say Dumbledore had taken the position. It's not that I don't trust him, but we can't be careful enough, right?

I've been on duty for nine days in a row now, this is my first day off, but I've got to go back tomorrow. I'm dead tired. Now that Alice and Frank are out, we are in desperate need of well-trained and experienced Aurors. I'm trying to get the Prewetts to join the Auror-squad, but they keep telling me they prefer their current jobs (which is bewitching musical and non-musical instruments for Wizard performers and selling broomsticks). I guess I'd be scared to come out in the open, as well, but we've been forced to do it... And they will be too eventually.

Hoping things are well with all of you,

Padfoot

*

25th November 1981

Padfoot

Lily and Harry are physically well, as am I. Harry's bored to death, though. He starting to really talk and walk and he demands constant attention, which we can't give.

Lily's working on force shields, alarms and curses almost twenty-four seven. She's obsessed, I swear. As for me, I'm trying to look up as many useful things as possible. Dumbledore usually brings me the reports of the Order meetings and other stuff he can get his hands on. I really wish I was out there with you, actually making a difference. Hiding is stupid. I hate knowing that there are people out there whom I could help, but instead I'm stuck in this stupid house. It's driving me mad. It's the same rooms, same paintings, same furniture, same fucking smell every day again. Some days I find myself walking into the living room and thinking 'wait, I've already been here, what am I doing?' and then I just want to run outside and run as fast and as far as I can. If it wasn't for Harry and Lily, I'd've done it four weeks ago.

Even though we're completely alone and in a very silent house (except for when Harry cries again), there is no peace here. It's impossible to be calm when you're constantly expecting a horde of Death Eaters on your doorstep. Lily's constantly peering out of the windows the way Petunia does. The slightest noise in the house or garden is enough to start a riot.

Albus told us about Frank and Alice. We're devastated. That could've been us, Sirius. Neville was born one day before Harry. They're such good people, they don't deserve this. Poor Neville. Just think, that could've been our Harry.

I'm sorry to hear you and Remus are having problems. It'll work out for the best, I'm sure. You love him and he loves you, there's no way you'll break up.

I miss you. We all do.
Take care and be careful,

Prongs

*

9th December 1981

Dearest Sirius,

How are you? We haven't heard from you in quite a while. Are Remus and Peter okay?

Albus told us that there seem to be more attacks lately. So far none of you have been targets, right? Unless Albus's not telling us something. I hope you're safe.

Please, do keep safe!

This confinement is driving us mad. James and I have fought a few times these last weeks. I love him so much, as you know, but sometimes his haughty, pompous attitude gets on my nerves.

Harry is fine. He misses you, though. Sometimes he just looks up at me with his huge, sad eyes and says 'Paffoo?' It breaks my heart to say 'I'm sorry, honey, he's not around' every time. He's really trying to say 'Padfoot' and 'Sirius', we've been teaching him. We've been teaching him 'Moony', 'Remus', 'Peter' and 'Wormtail' as well, but it doesn't seem to work. The furthest we got with that is 'Weewus' (Remus) and 'Moo' (Moony). I won't even try to write down what he made of Wormtail. He's already mustered mummy and dada (and he almost got 'diffindus' if I hadn't been in time to stop James. He didn't get any further than 'diffideedee', thank Merlin). He's very stuck-up, just like his father. He's learnt how to walk now -he's still a bit wobbly, mind you- and he's strutting around as if he owns the place. It's so incredibly cute. His father has rubbed off on him, though; he's lost all interest in his stuffed animals and his toys. All he does is watch the Snitch (the one James nicked in fifth year) with eyes like saucers and he tries to catch it. But he refuses to go anywhere without his stuffed wolf and dog, you remember them right? You bought them for him in January; it's a grey wolf and black dog sewn together with the front paws and nose. We took pictures of his first steps for you.

Let hear from you soon, we're worried.

We love you,

Lily
And James and Harry

*

17th December 1981

James, Lily, Harry,

This is it. The war has started. Even though we've been at war for the past eleven years now, this is as official as we're ever going to get. We've had to try and stop an attack every day now, sometimes twice a day. We've had some luck and were able to imprison a fair number of Death Eaters. Some of them have died as well. I won't pretend to care anymore. After what they did to our friends, they deserve to rot and die the worst death possible.

We've lost too many people as well. Marlene McKinnon and Fabian Prewett were the last to go. Gideon is heartbroken and it won't be long before he does something stupid and gets himself killed.

Peter has been abroad on business, mostly. The war has, thank Merlin, not expanded outside of England yet, so I trust him to be safe. He's under Ministry protection anyway.

I haven't heard from Remus and I'm scared to death. I'm scared he's dead and I'm just as scared he's not. If it turns out now that he's the one double-crossing, I probably will do something stupid too.

I hate not being around for my godson's greatest moments. I hate the prospect of a Christmas without all of you.

I miss you. Be careful.

Padfoot

*

25th December 1981

Padfoot,

Christmas without you, Remus and Peter just isn't what it should be. Albus dropped by and brought your presents. Really, Sirius, you shouldn't have. As if Harry isn't spoiled already. He loves the wand and the Quidditch set and pj's. It does seem the plush Bludger has it in for him, though.

And thank Remus for his 'Wizard's First Words'-book. Those recordings really are high quality. Harry goes berserk every time he hears his own voice.

Lily says thank you for the beautiful earrings and wonderful perfume (careful there, Black) and as for me, I want to say thanks for being here for us, for supporting us. And of course for the finest Seeker uniform I've ever seen in my entire life! Lily says I look very handsome in it.

Sirius, this is Lily and I just wanted to say I said no such thing and thank you for inflating my husband's head even more.

Don't mind her. Been working on too many curses, doesn't know what she's saying. I'm drop dead gorgeous and she knows it.

Albus got us a Christmas present as well. It's his phoenix. Well, he didn't really give it to us, but we can borrow it until we get out of this miserable place to send letters to you. And get letters from you, of course. He said he was a bit busy right now with the war. Albus Dumbledore, King of Understatements. Anyway, what he was saying was that he wouldn't be visiting so often anymore. That's where Fawkes comes in handy. Darn fast and nigh untraceable. Smart man, Albus.

We miss you and we're definitely not looking forward to celebrating New Year without you.

Be careful, Padfoot.

Prongs
Lily and Harry

*

31st December 1981/1st January 1982

Darn lonely house. Have only got one good friend left.
Ogden, my man. And maybe Bertie. Bertie's okay too.
Is going to be horrible year.

As you can undoubtedly guess, my dear husband has spent too much time with a bottle of Whisky and is now most certainly pissed.

I think he might also have indigestion after eating about ten boxes of Every Flavour Beans.

Happy New Year, Sirius. We miss you terribly.
Happy New Year to Remus and Peter... who we also miss terribly.

Lily and a slightly unconscious James

*

5th January 1982

I miss you lot too. I'm getting more scared by the day.

Remus still hasn't let hear from him and neither has Peter. I'm alone, Prongs. Totally alone.

It seems we're gaining territory on the Death Eaters. They've murdered a lot of their men because they wanted out. We've murdered a lot of their men because they wanted to kill us. They killed most of our men. And women. And children. Innocents. Without reason.

And so many are missing. The chance of them making it back alive is almost non-existent. We've lost Dorcas Meadowes, Sturgis Podmore, Emmeline Vance...

We haven't heard anything from Caradoc Dearborn or Benjy Fenwick. I've lost all hope. Edgar Bones and his entire family were -to say it in a horrible way- slaughtered.

Gideon died too. About a week ago. He walked right into an ambush, and he knew it. He did it on purpose, but he died fighting. He took three Death Eaters with him, though. His little sister is inconsolable. I can't blame her. She's lost her two brothers in less than a month's time.

I've got some other horrible news. There's no easy way to say this... Belle died too. She died yesterday. The Auror headquarters- somehow the Death Eaters knew where to find it and they attacked. The alarms went off too late and by the time we had started duelling properly, Belle had already been killed. The worst is this... Healers found out she was three months pregnant. I doubt it if she knew.

Most Aurors who've survived up until now are in St Mungo's. Hestia Jones is in there with serious head trauma, Mundungus' leg might not survive and -worst of all- Ichabod Dawlish got Kissed. They're starting to bring Dementors now.

On one hand, that might be good. They're showing signs of panic and weakness.

I probably shouldn't be telling you all of this... It's just- one of these days it could be you, or Peter or me... or Remus...

I don't know anymore. I'm sick and tired of fighting, but I will keep on doing it. If the Dementors mean we're winning then I'm willing to go that extra mile. Everything to make it end.

Be careful.

Padfoot

*

7th January 1982

Belle. Lily is devastated. Belle had been trying to get pregnant for years. I can't believe it. Poor Belle... Merlin, this is all going too far. It must end as quickly as possible. I'm going to ask Dumbledore to let me from under the spell. As long as Lily and Harry are safe, everything's all right.

I've always felt horrible, sitting here while you're out there, risking your life. I need to be as well. I need to fight, I need to help. You need me. You'll not be alone for much longer, Padfoot.

I hate that you have to cope with all of this by yourself. It must be unbearable.

So many people died. So many people, friends, we didn't even say goodbye to. I guess we- or at least I- really underestimated this war.

I hope you're right about getting this awful time over with. I hope I can be by your side when it ends.

I'd love to say 'don't worry about Remus', but I'm so far from the war scene and I'm panicking already. If Lily had been in Remus' place and I in yours, I wouldn't have kept it together like you do. I hope and pray he is all right and that he's alive and on our side. He wouldn't betray us willingly, like you said. The way you keep by his side, Sirius, the way you keep on loving him in this kind of doubt. You're so much stronger than people give you credit for. And so is your love.

Belle.

I can't believe it. I just can't...

I've got to go. Lily's collapsed and Harry's crying. Merlin. If we get out of this alive, Padfoot, if we do...

Don't lose hope.

Be careful,
See you soon

Prongs

*

10th January 1982

IT'S PETER!

Whatever you do, James, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!

*

11th January 1982

What's Peter, Sirius? Dead? Did Peter die? Did they get to him?

What's going on?

What kind of letter was that anyway?

*

17th January 1982

Sirius? Why didn't you answer our letter? Are you that busy?

*

21st January 1982

Sirius? We're getting worried now! What happened to Peter? What happened to you?

*

22nd January 1982

Sirius?

*

23rd January 1982

Sirius! Answer us!

*

8th February 1982

To anyone who reads this,

Care to answer this truckload of questions we've got?

*

22nd February 1982

Dear James, Lily and Harry,

Fawkes delivered to me your letter eighteen days ago. I regret not being in touch, but I wanted certainty before bringing to you this joyful news that the war indeed has ended.

The Fidelius Charm will be lifted on the First of March, 1982. I want to let you wait one more week before coming out of hiding, because of the Death Eaters still on the run. It is impossible to catch them all, I have confidence, however, in getting to most of them. Once most realise their leader indeed has fallen and his closest followers have been captured, very few will have the spirit to continue this exhausting war.

Those who do will be caught.

I look forward to seeing you and releasing you from your prison.

Yours sincerely,

Albus P.W.B. Dumbledore

*

25th February 1982

Padfoot!

It's over! Albus sent us an owl saying the war has ended! I don't know the specifics, but it's ended!

We get out on the first of March! Remember what you said back in October! We're expecting you!

Hugs,

Prongs, Lily and Harry (who is very much looking forward to seeing you again)