Swallowed in the Sea

Chapter Two: As I say goodbye to a way of life

'Goodmorning,' said Sirius tiredly as he entered Dumbledore's office. 'Let's get this over with.'

'Sirius!' Lily exclaimed. 'I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you look awful. What happened?'

Sirius took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair and over his face. 'Remus... We had a fight last night. I couldn't sleep afterwards.'

'And Remus? Where is he now?' asked James.

'He left. I-I don't know where he's gone to, he just... left.' Sirius started biting his nails, he looked horribly worried. 'I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm so sick and tired of him leaving almost before he gets back. I hate being in the dark. He never tells me anything anymore and I just want things to go back to the way they were... And I told him that.'

'And?'

'He said that if I didn't understand what this was all about that he should start reconsidering coming back every time,' said Sirius, and he put his head in his hands.

'I'm so sorry, Sirius,' Lily said, rubbing his back.

'Me too, mate,' James agreed.

'I don't want to lose him.' Sirius looked at the ceiling and bit his lip. 'I couldn't, not now. He could be in danger, without even knowing it.'

'I know,' Lily said. 'Sirius, if you're having second thoughts about this, then say so. We understand, really.'

'No! No, Lily, I'm not having second thoughts at all,' Sirius said hastily. 'At least this way I can think I was able to help some of the people I love.'

'What's happened to Remus- if it really happened- is not your fault, Sirius,' said James.

'Well I still feel guilty, don't I?'

'You can't always guard him,' said James. 'He knew he was taking risks when he joined the Order.'

'Don't you dare blame it on him now, James,' said Sirius, glaring.

'I'm not, Padfoot, I'm not.' James held his hands up in surrender.

'I'm sorry, James.' Sirius rubbed his eyes. 'I just had a rough night.'

'And I'm afraid that's not the only bad news today,' said Dumbledore suddenly. He'd kept very quiet while Sirius, Lily and James had been talking. He'd been holding Harry and showing him magic tricks, but now he had put Harry back in his buggy and finally spoke. 'I take it none of you have read the Daily Prophet this morning?'

When all of them shook their heads, Dumbledore took a copy of the paper from his cloak and gave it to them. On the front page, they saw two pictures of a destroyed house, a body covered in white sheets and the Dark Mark floating over both of them.

'Voldemort again,' Lily said.

'Indeed, Lily, but this time, it was somewhat peculiar,' Dumbledore said heavily. 'I have spoken to Gideon and Fabian Prewett, who got there before the Daily Prophet did. They almost caught the murderer. It seemed the Death Eater in question did not care for secrecy. Fabian said it was almost as if he wanted to be seen.'

'Who was it?' said James.

'Ah.' Dumbledore sighed. 'I'm afraid it was Regulus Black.'

Sirius shook his head and ran his hands through his hair again.

'Also, you might be interested in the fact,' Dumbledore continued, 'that the two men who were murdered last night both were an outcast of society, without a job, relatives or any involvement in the war, whatsoever. They were, however, werewolves.'

'That makes no sense,' said James puzzled. 'That's the kind of people Voldemort needs. He can easily persuade them to join him; it makes no sense to have them killed.'

'He's daring me,' Sirius croaked.

'What?' Lily asked.

'Regulus. He's daring me,' repeated Sirius. 'He's hated me ever since he found out about me and Remus. It's a threat.'

'Wait a minute,' said James. 'How does Regulus know about Remus?'

'I do not know for certain, James,' said Dumbledore. 'The Ministry do keep tabs on werewolves and other dark creatures. I can imagine Voldemort has spies inside the Ministry as well, it would be easy for him to get hold of the lists.'

'Isn't there any chance it is coincidence or something?'

'Come on, James,' hissed Sirius. 'Do you think he'd let Regulus kill two men who are most likely to join him? Do you think they just happened to be werewolves?'

'We cannot be sure, of course,' stated Dumbledore calmly. 'But Sirius is right. Those men would have been ideal servants. Voldemort always has an ulterior motive and after this lugubrious event, the chance he'll let Regulus come after Sirius and Remus for personal reasons is very big indeed.'

'Killing two birds with one stone,' Sirius finished.

'That is, Sirius, why I beg you to reconsider being Secret Keeper for James, Lily and Harry,' said Dumbledore, 'and why I insist on being it instead.'

'What?' Sirius exclaimed, horrified. 'No! I will not reconsider. I promised my friends I'd do this and I will.'

'Sirius, you are putting yourself in great danger,' the headmaster said again.

'I'd rather put myself in great danger five times over than sit back and do nothing while my best friends and godson are fighting for their lives.'

'Be reasonable, Sirius,' Dumbledore said. His usually so playful eyes were stern and his voice had hardened. 'You are not only putting your life at stake but also theirs.'

'I'd die before betraying them!' yelled Sirius, getting up.

'You are gravely underestimating the power of Voldemort, Sirius,' Dumbledore said again, his voice a bit louder than before. 'You have no idea how he could torture or bribe you.'

'I would never talk whatever he does to me!'

'And to Remus?' said Dumbledore.

Sirius turned very pale and sat down again.

'I know you want to help,' the headmaster said calmly, 'and I wouldn't dare doubt your loyalty, but you can't tell what your reaction would be if they tortured Remus in front of your eyes for days and days. And I fear that that is something they would do, they know he is your weakness.'

'Maybe Albus is right, Sirius,' said Lily carefully.

Sirius looked angrier still.

'It is beautiful that you are able to carry so much love for a single person, Sirius, and it is a wonderful source of energy and determination sometimes. But sadly enough, it is also -as I just said- a weakness.' Dumbledore sighed. 'I have rarely met anyone who is able to love with their entire heart, and that has made you who you are today, I know. You're a powerful, smart, resourceful Auror with a wonderful partner and true friends and you would do anything for them. James and Lily know that, but so do Regulus and Voldemort and that could very easily become your downfall.'

'I will not back out! I am not a coward!'

'This is not a matter of courage, Sirius!' Dumbledore raised his voice. 'Forget your pride, for once. You have a lot to live for. I do not. I have no strong family ties, no partner and no children whose lives I could risk. Your life is already at stake, Sirius; you do not have to endanger yourself five times over to prove you are not a coward. Everyone already knows.'

'Maybe you're right. I'm sorry, Prongs, I wish I were emotionally stable,' said Sirius, with an angry look at Dumbledore.

'Albus has got a point, Sirius,' said James. 'We trust you, but you've got Remus to live for and now with Regulus... I'm not sure if Remus is safe.'

'You read my mind,' said Sirius. 'So, I guess this is... goodbye.'

'What do you mean?' asked James hastily. 'Albus, we are going to tell him where we are, right?'

'If you insist upon that,' he replied.

'No, no,' said Sirius. 'I meant it when I said you were right, Headmaster. If I know, what's the point in having you as Secret Keeper? They'll come after me anyway. Prongs, it's true; I'd die for you, Lily and Harry without a second thought. But I would for Remus too and if I'd have to choose between the three of you and Remus, I wouldn't know what to do.'

'You are one of the bravest and sweetest people I've ever known, Sirius,' said Lily, with tears in her eyes.

'But who knows when we'll see you again?' asked James.

'I don't.' Sirius smiled. 'After the war is over, I guess.'

'That could go on for years!'

'I'll let you say goodbye for a few minutes,' said Dumbledore.' And I know it is a small consolation, James, but I will visit you often and I will gladly take letters from and to Sirius with me.

'Thanks, Albus, that means a lot to us,' said Lily.

'See, we'll stay in touch, Prongs.' smiled Sirius as the headmaster left the office. 'I'm going to let you get started; it's about time you disappear from the face of the earth.'

'Sirius,' said Lily, as she opened her arms to give him a big hug, 'I'll miss you. Thank you for everything.'

'I'll miss you too, Evans,' he said as he hugged her. 'Take care and take care of Harry.'

'Do you want to hold him before you go?'' asked Lily, as she took him out of his buggy.

'I wouldn't leave without,' said Sirius, taking him in his arms. He held him tight, gave him a few kisses on his head and cheeks and looked into his bright green eyes.

'Don't forget your godfather, Harry,' he said with tears in his eyes, 'because I'll be back.'

'We'll make sure he won't forget, Padfoot,' said James in a croaky voice, as Sirius gave Lily her son back. 'Come here.'

They shared a tight hug and as they let go, both men had tears on their face.

'Be careful, Prongs,' said Sirius, after swallowing hard. 'We want you back in one piece. All three of you.'

'You too, Padfoot,' James said sadly. 'We need you.'

'Yeah, likewise.' Sirius attempted a smile, but his eyes looked depressed and bloodshot.

'Take care of Remus,' Lily added.

'Did you say goodbye to him?' asked Sirius. 'And to Peter?'

'We did on Wednesday,' said James. 'He flooed in and we told him what was going to happen. We went to Peter's afterwards.'

'All right.' Sirius sighed. 'This is it.'

'Please make it through the war, Sirius,' Lily pleaded.

'Don't you worry,' he answered in barely more than a whisper. 'The moment you get back out, I'll be right there.'

A silence fell, in which the three adults just looked at each other with watery eyes and trembling lips -not knowing when they would see each other again- until Sirius turned around and left the office.