Before Evil Came Along

BEFORE EVIL CAME ALONG

Chapter Four:

We dragged ourselves through our two final years at Hogwarts. We rarely had those lovely, gorgeous moments and we both knew that whatever we had had, was slowly bleeding to death. So, we wisely chose to end it, the night before graduation. I was devastated. I knew it was the right thing, because no matter what he did, Tom only hurt me more. But I still loved him so much. I still wanted his hand in mine, his lips on my cheek, his arms around me. I had waded in his company for seven years, four of those he had been exclusively mine. And now, after a conversation that had barely lasted a blink, it was all gone. Lost.

I had to start over, because for such a long time, I had been Tom's Shiphrah. I had been Tom and Shiphrah. And now that Tom was gone, I was not complete: half of me was missing. I had to learn to become a whole person again, and for that I chose to go abroad- which, I can tell you, was not easy.

I was offered a curse-breaking course in Italy, which I gladly took. I said goodbye to my family, to my friends and I left. It was really hard at first. I had to do everything myself. I was totally alone when it came to it and I loved every minute of it. I found out there was more to me than Tom, that there was more to life than Tom.

I got on without him, but I never forgot him. Oh, I never could. He foamed through my head with the regularity of a heartbeat. And I missed him, but I could live. I could do stuff by myself, I could be alone. Yet in the end, I always thought: Tom, I wish you were here to see me now, doing things by myself.

I was very proud of that, mind. I had this need to call out to people, you know... Like "Look at me, I'm Shiphrah, I'm doing stuff on my own..."

I completed the course after a year and a half. The plan was to go back home and bring the things I had learned into practice. But I had had such a good time and when I got a job offer, I immediately owled home and told them I'd not be coming back.

What did I have to go home to anyway? A family, whom I loved dearly, but with a very busy life and a city that had Tom written all over it. No, Italy was the place where everyone knew me as me. Not as the Shiphrah that went wherever Tom was. It was the place I could be myself without depending on him. Everything I had accomplished there, I had done myself, without help from anyone.

I was very happy; I worked as a curse-breaker for the Ministero di Magico, Italian Ministry of Magic. I went on raids with Genarro Carlucci, do you know him? He was quite famous for his Charmwork... Truly had a gift, that man. Did some valuable research as well. He was ever such a good friend of mine, that was until Tom... killed him... Ahum.. erm, well, as I was saying, we -as curse breakers- went on raids together, to make sure everything we took with us was safe. It was a fantastic job and we had tons of fun. Fun never lasts, does it...

Again two and a half years later,, we were in desperate need of a very well-trained wizard because of some riots by Grindelwald's followers. We actually needed an Auror, but Auror-training was not as intense and developed in Italy, so I gave my superiors the advice to let someone come from England, of which I was -I have to admit- completely surprised they took.

On the 22^nd of February, 1948, I was told to prepare for the arrival of an English Auror, expert in the Defence Against the Dark Arts.

And of all the people in England, all the people who were Auror trained, Tom naturally was the one sent to us. Ah, well... An expert in Defence Against the Dark Arts, I should have known.

When I saw him get off that bus, my heart stopped. I felt so warm inside. Suddenly, that scream deep down, that I had tried to leave unanswered for four years, stopped. I was complete. And I hated it. Just when I was doing so well by myself. Just when I had done everything alone. I had conquered Italy alone, I ruled it alone, I lived in it alone. The only thing I had done by myself, the only thing that was utterly and completely mine he just had to come and take from me. He just had to invade my life, that -for the first time- was completely mine.

I was just so mad at him, at that moment. And judging by his face when he saw me, he wasn't too happy with it either. He tried to hide it with a smile that had to pass for enthusiastic, but -to my then growing regrets- I still knew him well enough to know he was not in the least pleased to see me.

That day, we didn't get any further than 'Hullo', and I was glad about that. I managed to avoid him in the weeks that came by making Genarro work with him. I took on smaller, easier jobs, that didn't need the watching eye, or the expertise of an Auror. Until Genarro fell ill one day and we had to work together.

When I received the owl by Genarro, I was trembling all over. Out of anger, but out of fear and nerves as well. I felt like I was twelve again, and I had to make Tom like me all over. I had to offer him everything I had done without him and I knew he wouldn't even blink. How much had he changed?

A lot, I found out soon enough. Which enraged me even more. Leave for four silly years and he becomes a snotty, extremely arrogant, cold and bitter young man. When we spoke, it was really strange. I still felt this connection between us, one he must unmistakeably have felt too, and yet, there was no real emotion involved. It was as if Tom had completely frozen. His face was stuck on contemptuous and his eyes, which I remembered to be so warm and intense, were so cold and sharp you could almost feel them cutting through you. When you smiled at him, it was like half of his face was paralysed. His mouth smiled back, but his eyes left you puzzled. They were... dead.

And the surprises weren't over. I think it was the fifth, or so, job we did together and he suddenly wanted to know how my life had been, the last four years. What had I been doing? Had I liked it? Who were my new friends? Who was I living with? An emotion I couldn't quite get a hold of flittered across his face when I told him I hadn't been seeing anyone after our break-up. The real shocker was the fact that he had. I hadn't really expected him to stay alone for the rest of his life, but I don't know, somehow I just thought he would. He had had several girls since me, no one had stayed with him that long, but I hardly think that was a problem for Tom. He still was very good-looking, he could have had any girl he wanted. At the time, he had been seeing someone for a few months...Who it was? It doesn't matter. But it was so unlike Tom, the way he spoke of her. So unenthusiastic, so indifferent. As if she merely was an object, as if their love was purely theoretical, like a file we were discussing. Which made me even more angry... Was this the way he had been talking about us as well? Was that how he was? Pretty words to your face, but behind your back not even one nice word? It was terrifying to think I might have thrown seven years away, thinking I might've found the one. Because that's what it felt like: like I had been wasting my life.

Yet what we had... wasn't that something very rare, something no one could have but us?

And that question just burned in my head and I kept thinking about it, all the time. Until I finally couldn't stand it anymore and asked him. Very straightforward, and in the middle of a discussion about the best way to dry fluxweed we were having in the refectory of the Ministry.

Tom said something like...

'No, Shiphrah, I'm rather sure that a spell has pretty much the same effect as hanging it in a basement for two months. I mean-'

'Did you love me?'

'Maybe it's not Muggle enough for you but-' he was completely startled by this question. His face suddenly... defrosted, only for a few seconds, and then it got that irony look again.

'What a thing to ask, really.'

'Listen Tom, I know this might not be the right time, since you seem to find fluxweed a whole lot more interesting than me, but I want to know. Did you love me? Did you ever speak of me in such a bored manner like you speak of- of your girlfriend now?'

Oh, it hurt so much to say girlfriend, after all, wasn't that what I was supposed to be?

He remained silent for a while, as if he was thinking something over. He drew a breath, as if he was going to speak and he then began examining every corner of the room. He sighed heavily and got up.

'You're right, Shiphrah, this is not the right time, I think it best if I'd leave. I'm pretty sure I can do something more valuable with my time than this.' He said coldly, without even looking me in the eye.

In a matter of seconds, I got my wand out.

'Listen, Riddle, I got you to speak once by threatening you, and I don't care if I have to do it again. Just bear in mind that my magic tricks have improved a bit since first year. Jelly Legs'll be the least of your worries.'

And exactly as he did ten years ago, he slowly backed into the wall with an awkward smile and a somewhat scared look, while putting his hands up. But then he looked at me, for a very long time and let out a harsh laugh.

'Some things never change, do they Shiphrah...' he said smugly, pushing my wand aside. 'But you forget that I'm not a rookie anymore. I'm not the new, lonely boy I was ten years ago. And no matter how good your spells are, I doubt it if they are any match for an Auror's. So if you want to defy me, go ahead.'

That was the last straw for me, I'd had enough of his bigheaded attitude and frankly, I'd had enough of him. So, my first reaction, more because of my anger than because of the actual threat, was to curse him.

'Fugis animo!' Before he even had a chance to realise what was going on, I knocked him out. And although I knew he couldn't hear me anymore, I still spoke. 'And you, Tom, you forget that I'm no longer a silly girl in love, filled with empty threats.'

***

I might have been a little bit too eager with the curse, because Tom was out cold for... about five hours, at least. And when he woke up he had a fierce headache. But who could blame me, he deserved it, the bloody insufferable little prat.

You know, I'm not easily angered, and I don't use my wand every two seconds, but Tom had really gone too far in my eyes. To you it all might seem as if I overreacted, but really, I had been with Tom for seven years, four of which he had been my boyfriend. And when I see him again, four years later, he turns out to be this completely different person, someone I had always tried to keep him from being. It felt like pure betrayal. And when he didn't "feel" like answering that question, well, that was just one straw too many.

I had floated him onto the bed I had in my office. And I was in there when he woke up. No, it was no coincidence I was there, if you might think so. You must know that the Fugis-curse is only supposed to render you unconscious for an hour, or two at most. When he hadn't woken up after three hours, I was really worried. I had tried Enervate, but that didn't do much good either, he'd just open his eyes for a few seconds and... well, it was just as if he was talking in his sleep or something. He said stuff about his girlfriend, and about Hogwarts, things that were neither here nor there. Then he would just lose consciousness again, assuming he'd found it in the first place. That was no option, either, so I decided to wait by his bedside.

I did some paperwork, I owled some friends, I tried to read a book, but I just had to peak once in a while. When I saw him "sleep" like that, I had the feeling I was back in Ekstispeks' attic. And I was really mad at myself for it. He was a snotty, self-absorbed, annoying git and I was not supposed to want to be with him again.

But he finally woke up, with a head like a brick, which I still think he deserved. He coughed a little and then tried to sit up, but he soon stopped trying.

'Wow Johnstone, you were not joking, were you?' he said, laying a hand over his eyes, still coughing mildly.

'Can't get anything past you, can I.' I said as indifferently as I could. 'Look, I'm glad you woke up, sorry you've been out cold for so long, etcetera, but you had it coming. I've got to go, we're going on a raid in half an hour.'

It was true, Genarro and I had been called to raid the house of a very prominent wizard, who allegedly was a follower of Grindelwald, with quite a stash of forbidden herbs and potions.

I took some stuff I might need, got up and made for the door.

'Shiphrah... Wait.' he called. Again he tried to get up, but he turned a nasty shade of green when he wanted to get to his feet, and he soon laid himself back down. I was still standing at the door, holding the knob tightly. What was he going to say this time? Hadn't he said enough? I certainly thought he had.

'Listen, Tom, you've done enough for now, and unless you want to stay in that bed for another four hours, I would just remain silent.'

'No... Shiphrah, I don't want to... I just want you to know you were right in cursing me.' He said, massaging his temples.

That kind of caught me by surprise. Was he actually apologising?

'I was? I mean, I know I was... But, you think I was right?' I said, closing the door and taking place by his side again. 'Why?'

'I-I know I'm not...You just caught me off guard, asking that, you know... I don't like being caught off guard. And... I don't know, do I have to answer? I mean don't you know the answer yourself?'

'I thought I knew, Tom. I thought I knew until you got off that bus. What is going on? Why are you acting like this? This is not you. I know you, and this is not it.' I said. I felt I was pushing it, but I had to say it. He had to know how I felt.

'I think... Maybe... Oh, bloody hell, I don't know why, Shiphrah! Maybe this isn't who I was, but it is who I've become. I've changed, we all do. Nothing can stay the same forever. That only happens in fairy tales.' He let his arms fall loosely to his side and he looked at me, straight in the eye. 'I know you think I don't care and that you're the only one who had a hard time breaking up, but you weren't.'

I can't describe what I felt at that moment. It was so confusing. It seemed positive what he had just said, but the tone of his voice and his choice of words were enough to break my heart all over.

And yet I nodded and threw in an excusive look. Weird how he could make me feel like the bad guy, isn't it?

'Maybe I should've been nicer, maybe I should've made it more clear to you that I'm not who I was ten years ago. And if I gave you a wrong impression about the feelings I once felt, then I'm sorry.'

Felt, he'd said felt. So that was it then. It was over, he no longer loved me and he now only claimed to have done so. But he offered no tangible proof as I had expected him to.

'But I will not apologise for being more self-assured and successful than I once was. I've learned to form my own principles and I refuse to be someone who's not strong enough to stick to them. That's all, Shiphrah. I'm no longer a naïve little boy.'

Had he just called me naïve? I thought that cursing him would have been a great wake-up call. It had worked before and all... But then again, according to him, I was naïve.

'I understand, Tom.' I said. He made a tutting-sound and rolled his eyes. 'No Tom, I understand completely. I've just remained childish whereas you have grown up and being an adult obviously meaavoiding any sign of emotion.'

'Shiphrah, that's not at all what I said.' Tom told me, as if he was merely reprimanding a toddler. 'You are totally missing the point.'

'Oh, am I?' I almost screamed. I was so mad at him. Where did he get the nerve to waltz back into my life and insult me? 'But then again, who can blame me, right? I'm just naïve.'

And then I stormed out of my office, ignoring his pleas for me to come back.