Hard Nut to Crack

Lily awoke from a hard blow on the head. "What the f..." she grumbled. (a la luca) She opened her eyes to see Selena standing over her, pillow in her hand.

"Time to wake up!" she sang.

Lily pulled herself up. "Well, you didn't have to bombard me with pillows!"

"Hey, I was only being nice--you would have totally missed breakfast." Selena pranced to her cabinet and pulled out a wrinkled t-shirt out of her drawer. Lily just reached under her bed, where eventually all her t-shirts landed.

"OH MY GOD!" Selena shrieked, delightedly. "We TOTALLY reached for our matching muffin shirts at the same time!!!!!!!"

In the fifth year, the girls had had a 'Making T-shirts Day' where each one personalized her t-shirt with a logo. Selena and Lily, who both loved the muffin joke (Two muffins in an oven, one says to the other, 'It's getting hot in here!', 'Ahhh...a talking muffin!!') had decided to put it on their t-shirt. On the back, each of them drew a large, widely smiling muffin.

"Whoo-pee," Lily cheered sarcastically. Selena ignored her halfhearted response and linked her arm with hers. Then they both marched away to breakfast.

Everybody was already seated, as the Marauders stepped into the large hall. They quickly seated themselves, grins marking their faces. They looked around as the teachers began to file in. Dumbledore was about to signal the beginning of breakfast as Filch's bent figure limped in.

"One second, Albus," he wheezed. "I would like to make an announcement."

He hobbled up to the podium and cleared his throat noisily.

"This announcement," he said, stressing the word, "is concerning my cat, Mrs. Norris. She was harassed by some students...cough cough..Potter..hem..Black...cough...who thought it was AMUSING to make her--moo."

He shot a filthy glare at the Marauders.

"Those of you, who know anything about--" He was suddenly interrupted by a loud neigh. Filch spun around, but all he could see was the little Coo-coo clock hanging on the wall. Turning around, he started again, but was interrupted again--this time from a high-pitched cockle-doodle-doo. The hall erupted with laughter, most of it issuing from where the Marauders were sitting.

"That was a good one--nice job hexing the clock, Prongsie," giggled Sirius and clapped James on the shoulder. However, he was too busy looking at Lily, who was also laughing like mad. James had to admit it was pretty funny to see the clock spring open with a new animal sound every time someone started to speak. Actually, the prank had been intended for Mr. Appleclarry, who always took advantage of the large amounts of students assembled, to preach one of his tedious speeches, reminding all students about the decreasing unicorn population in the Forbidden Forest. Of course all agreed that the prank was even funnier on Filch. Eventually the students calmed down and Dumbledore, who had difficulty holding back his own laugher, ordered on the breakfast with one hand gesture.

Pleased with themselves, the four piled their plates full.

Breakfast came to an end and Selena and Lily left their table. At about the same time, Remus departed from his fellow trouble-makers for some last minute studying, as he noticed a very flashy pink shirt in front of him. He walked towards it and stopped to see what the logo was. He read it, and was immediately perplexed. What was supposed to be funny about a talking muffin? A fierce sounding voice brought him back to earth,

"Hey, what are you looking at?" Remus looked up, only to see that the owner of the shirt was no one other than Lily's friend--Selena Lovegood.

"I...um...was reading your shirt," he said, feeling the need to explain his avid stare at her breasts. "...Two muffins in-an-oven-one-says...a talking muffin???" Remus gave his most revolted and disgusted look he could muster. As Selena noticed this she sniffed proudly and responded, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful--hate me because I have a muffin on the back of my shirt and you DON'T!!!" She twirled dramatically, thus revealing her lovely muffin. Remus just grinned uneasily and gave her a thumbs up. Then he left the confused expression still on his face.

"What was that?" James' voice asked from behind. Remus shrugged,

"I dunno," he said. "Her shirt said: two muffins in an oven. One says to the other, 'it's getting hot in here' 'ahhh' a talking muffin'"

James gave a shout of laughter.

"Oh...hahah...My....hohohoho...GOD...hihihih...!!!!!!!"

Remus still looked confused. "What the hell," he muttered. Soon after, Sirius and Peter caught up to them and the four headed towards the Transfiguration room.

"Look who's there!" James hooted all of the sudden. "Our dear friend Snivellus!"

Sirius' eyes gleamed as he saw the thin greasy-haired boy crouching in a corner hurriedly leafing through his notes.

"Looking for this?" Sirius picked something off the ground. Snape looked up and tried to snatch the piece of parchment out of his hand but Sirius pulled it away.

"Mmm..." he inspected the parchment. "Let's see what our wittle teacher's pet has here..."

James glanced over his shoulder.

"Outstanding...Care of Magical Creatures...how typical!" he smirked. "Let's put your amazing knowledge to the test, dearest Snivillanius!" Snape shot him a dirty look,

"Give it back!" he growled, gritting his teeth.

James ignored him and continued, "It's an ugly creature with yellow teeth and a nose so greasy, the grease is dripping off the tip..."

Peter was wriggling with laughter.

"He looks like an ape and his name is Snape!" Snape glared even more viciously.

"Very poetic," complemented Sirius. Peter was still choking with laughter while Remus observed the scene with mild interest.

"Mmm...I think I'll just take this," Sirius crumpled the parchment. Snape cursed under his breath and took out his wand.

"If you don't give that back to my RIGHT NOW--"

The three laughed.

"Then what?" James sneered. "You're going to wipe your grease on us?"

Severus turned red with anger, however he still had his wand in his hand, which was now shaking slightly. Sirius and James also pulled out their wands. They were about to jinx him when Remus tugged on their robes.

"Common guys, he's not worth it...let's leave before Peter wets himself with excitement." he pointed to Peter who was now rolling on the ground with fits of giggles. They hesitated for a moment but then stuck their wands back into their robes.

"Fine," said Sirius sulkily. "But we'll get you another time, Snivellus." And the four withdrew.

~~~

Little did they know that Tina and Lily had over heard the conversation from a nearby window niche with increasing dread. Deciding that it would be unethical for them to get away with this, they marched ahead to catch up with the four.

"YOU WAIT RIGHT HERE BUDDY!" Lily shouted, and pulled James back by the hem of his robes. While she was still holding the shocked looking James by the throat, Tina had already taken care of Sirius, who had backed all the way into the wall as she advanced towards him with a vicious glare.

"S-s-sorry...um...Celes-stina..." he stuttered.

"It's TINA!!! DIDN'T I MAKE THAT CLEAR ENOUGH??" Tina bellowed.

"ARRg.." she stomped. "To HELL with your gallantry! Why can't you guys respect each other and not just all those big-breasted, large-bottomed baffoons of girls that you worship? Because *I* don't want to be one of them! I don't want to be one of those stupid sluts, who do nothing but accept all the bull you guys do and say? And YES, I do still want to go out with you, but not until you change your attitude towards your fellow students, like Snivi--I mean SEVERUS!"

Sirius wasn't the only one looking quite taken aback by her rant. In fact, it had also roused the attention of a group of third year girls, who snickered and pointed as they passed. As they disappeared around a curb, Lily continued,

"SEE???? A prime example! Of course they think everything that you buttheads do is extremely funny and they will laugh at anything you say! Well, guess what, guys? We don't. So act accordingly."

She smiled her most beautiful smile, bent down and pinched James' cheek. Then she stood up and shoved him into a still shell-shocked Sirius with a disgusted outcry. Tina linked arms with her and they stalked off with the good feeling of a job well done.

~~~

"Dude," James said in an exhausted voice. "That was harsh!"

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "Major BF!"

"BF???"

"Bitch Fit," Sirius explained. "Duh..."

James still looked confused.

"Geez, Prongsie! That is such a *slap on the forehead*!"

"Shuuut uuuuup..." James groaned.

"Omigosh, I totally can't believe you didn't know that!" said Sirius, ignoring James' irritated answer. "LOL!"

James just looked scared.

Could it be possible that Sirius was turning from extreme macho to disturbingly feminine? But if this was the fact, how come all the girls still worshipped him? James promised himself to fully contemplate this issue in the future.

"By the way, where did Moony and Wormtail wander off to?" James asked. Sirius spotted them waiting at the archway.

"What loyal friends you are," Sirius called out, sarcastically. "Always supporting us when we are in need of aid!"

"Sorry, mate!" Remus responded. "We just wanted to give you some privacy with your girlfriends."

James laughed. "Right...you guys were trying to escape a spanking!"

"Yeah," Sirius added. "One in form of a LECTURE about how we are supposed to act when the dear ladies are present."

James smirked and screwed up his face. "Oh NO, the bad, bad boys are making fun of Severus again! Let's all hasten to his defense!"

Sirius gave a short, bark-like laugh but Remus just frowned.

"Don't pretend you guys weren't scared. I SAW you slinking away after their rant!"

"Pul-LEASE!" Sirius rolled his eyes but couldn't help looking embarrassed.

~~~

The first thing Professor McGonagall did when the four trouped into her room after shooting them her most ferocious glare was assign detentions for the coming Monday. James swore.

"Bloody hell, that was the day I was going to stalk Lily in the library!"

"Don't you do that every day?" Remus scoffed.

"Hey!" said James, defending himself. "That's the only way I can stare at her without being noticed and being subjected to pain when she does notice!"

Remus just sighed.

The rest of the class was difficult to sleep through, as Professor McGonagall was determined to call on the Marauders as many times as possible. They were sincerely relieved when the period finally came to an end. Peter and Sirius returned to the common room, Remus had prefects' duty and James hurriedly rushed off to the library for some "extensive studying" (aka. Extensive stalking). Because he never doubted Lily's sharp eyes, he slipped on his invisibility cloak to completely disappear. Slowly he crept towards the table at which she was sitting. He peered at her from behind a bookshelf. The mid-afternoon sunlight let its beams dance on her auburn locks and reflected in her emerald eyes, which were focused on the pages of a large dusty book. James sighed. She was so cute when she was concentrating!

James' desirous thoughts were interrupted by a hard blow on the head. He gasped and turned around, only to see Mrs. Pince standing behind him, one hand holding a large feather duster. Slowly and cautiously, he stepped to the side. Mrs. Pince mumbled something obscure and whipped about her duster across the rows of books. James sighed with relief when she finally took her leave, to rescue several of her precious hardcovers from some pesky first years. Deciding this was the right opportunity to leave, James slowly walked out of the library and up the spiral staircase.

~~~

"Hey look!" Peter cried out. "It's Prongs!"

Remus, who had returned early from prefects' duty, and Sirius were both sitting on the couch wriggling with laughter. When they caught sight of James, their giggles turned from loud to hysterical.

"What's so funny?" James asked full of confusion. Sirius pointed to a large flyer posted on one of the billboards. It boldly proclaimed:

Mercy Dating:

Young and Available

Looking for an arrogant Quidditch hunk to brighten your day?

James Potter:

Likes food, redheads and lame jokes

Hobbies include Quidditch and snogging.

You are:

A desperate girl in search for a man whose strong arms she can nestle herself in!

Doesn't care how inflated the guy's ego is.

You want:

A cocky jerk, who is too obsessed with himself to have any attention left for you.

If interested, please contact James Potter or email him at:

don'[email protected]

(Warning: You might be a victim to intense stalking)

Also included on the flyer was a large photo of James--snoring loudly. James was dumbfounded as he returned to his friends.

"I can't believe you guys conspired against me--and I thought you were my friends!" he cried, perplexed.

"Oh, my god!! WE did not put that up there! It's a brilliant idea, though...too bad we didn't think of it," Sirius answered with a slightly envious look.

"Wow, very comforting...but wait until I find out who did this." James' voice was dangerously low and he was making wringing gestures as if strangling someone. Remus snickered suddenly.
"If some 'desperate girl' actually contacts you, I'm going to die of laughter!"

"Shut up," James grumbled and shot an evil glare towards the poster. "I wonder how the person got a picture of me sleeping."

"Yeah, and such a good one too," Peter added, causing James to look even more grim.

"Well, whoever it is," Sirius concluded. "He--or she is my new role model!"

~~~

"Oh My GOD, Lily, where do these ideas come from?" Fiona managed to say in between giggles.

"Yeah," Tina picked up one of the extra flyers lying on Lily's bed. "If that won't make him give up on you, he's a hopeless case!"

"The best part is the fake email address!!" Selena mimicked Professor McGonagall's accent, "Don't hate me, please date me *at* wmail *dot* wiz."

Lily smiled, "That picture was hard to take! I was interrupted twice by Peter sleep-walking along the corridors and then I tripped over Sirius' stuffed animal puppy...it was pretty stressful!"

"So what did their room look like?" Fiona asked eagerly.

"Well, you couldn't imagine how messy it was, first of all. There was all this crap on the floor and hanging from the walls. Remus' moon cycle poster, Peter's cheese collection, Sirius' rowed up bottles of AXE and cologne and there was this weird thing I found perched on James' nightstand--at first I thought it was a voo-doo doll of me but then I noticed it was one of those Raggedy Ann rag dolls from the children's book series."

The girls snickered.

"Oh, yeah, I think I forgot to mention James' HELLO KITTY BOXERS!!! It was the funniest thing ever!"

Laughing, and in good spirits the four went to bed. They fell asleep instantly--all except Lily. She stayed awake awhile, pondering on her feelings and actions. Had the add been too mean? Was it really right to punish him for loving her? But then again, this had only been the revenge for the criticism at Quidditch practice. Or simply because he was such a dickhead. But maybe she should help him get over his dickheadedness instead of punishing it. But wasn't she already doing that by not accepting his affection, blah blah, blah? Indecisive as she was, these questions continued to puzzle Lily throughout the night, until she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

~~~

The next morning James woke up earlier than usual. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and reached over to the nightstand for his dreamjournal so he could write down his most current dream about Lily. He flipped through the entries:

- I dreamed Lils had her own porn site.

-Nightmare: Lily ditched me for Sirius.

-Lily dyed her hair purple.

-Lily told me my Hello Kitty boxers were tacky. She said pink was SO not my color.

James paused. That last line was totally not his handwriting, in fact--

Suddenly it all occurred to him. James gritted his teeth.

Lily.

She had been in his room.

Why?

To take a pic of him sleeping.

Why?

To put up those ridiculous flyers.

Why?

James wished he knew.

He wished he knew how Lily's mind worked. First of all, she was not only the first girl that had ever turned him down but she had also embarrassed and confronted him in every possible way. She had yelled at him for teasing Snivilus (who probably heard and laughed his head off at his misfortune, the filthy little skunk), prevented him from looking cool in front of his friends by yelling at him in front of them, and lastly, she had awakened the hopes of numerous losers seeking arrogant Quidditch hunks. James ruffled his hair furiously. He should have known she was capable of such evil treachery. But what was she doing with his boxers? Could it be that she actually liked him and this was some weirdo way of showing it? Even though this was a possibility, he still swore revenge.

His thoughts were interrupted by a now wide awake Sirius, who screeched,

"JAMES, I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY COLOGNE!!!!!"