Hard Nut to Crack

Sirius continued to bicker for most of this Saturday morning. After blaming everybody for purposefully hiding his shaving crème he went on to accusing them of using up his entire peach-flavored body lotion and hair gel. Remus was surprised--normally Sirius never got this worked up before a date. Usually he just "let his manliness make up for it".

What manliness?

Remus grudgingly departed for the chair in the corner to read the Daily Prophet, which was usually his way of escaping from the crazyness of his friends. He opened the newspaper and skimmed the first page. Nothing interesting. Just a lot of stuff about some bloke named Voldemort.

Soon he was joined by James.

"Whew...he's in the shower!" he sighed relieved. "We are rid of him for about fifteen minutes."

"Don't worry, he'll start bitching again soon," Peter said dismissively.

Remus shook his head and chuckled, "I wonder what's wrong with him. His hormones are seriously scaring me!" He returned to his newspaper but stopped reading abruptly as he was interrupted by a heinous cacophony. It sounded like a tortured cat about to be burned at stake.

"Love, love me do. You know I love you, I'll always be truue, So pleeeeeeeeeeeease, love me doooo. Whooooaa love me do!"

Remus, James and Peter looked at each other with horror.

"Someone to loooove, Somebody neeeew."

Their grimaces of repulsion and shock turned desperate and confused.

"Someone to luuve, Someone like yoooou."

At this point they started searching the room for something to block out the sound. Suddenly Remus had an idea.

"Oh Sirius!!!!!!" he called out. "I found your body lotion!" The singing stopped and Sirius appeared, a towel slung around his waist.

"Are you sure it's the peach-flavored kind?" asked he suspiciously.

"Actually, I was just kidding," said Remus, grinning. "See, fooled you too!"

Sirius threw a pillow at him.

"Oh, look!" James said quickly, before Sirius could return to singing in the shower. "It's already eight! Oops, I guess you should get going Padfootsie!"

Sirius looked at the watch, nervously.

"So you really think I should be there two hours early?"

"Yeah!" James assured, trying not to sound too cheerful. "You wouldn't want to be late to a lunch date."

"You're totally right." Sirius frantically digging around in his closet. "Oh NO! What am I going to wear???"
Remus rolled his eyes and handed him an outfit. Five minutes later, Sirius was out the door to the great relief of everybody. James turned to the other two,

"So, what are we dateless blokes going to do today?" he asked sulkily. "Any ideas?"

"We could look for Sirius' body lotion," Peter offered.

"NO!" it chorused. After a considerably long silence, Remus randomly remarked, "I'm craving chocolate."

"Wow, great idea mate! Let's raid the cellar of Honeydukes!" James exclaimed. The other two agreed immediately and they took off for Hogsmeade, bringing the Invisibility Cloak along.

~~~

After hastily throwing on clothing, which happened to be her favorite (and sexiest) dark purple long-sleeved shirt and long, swishy black skirt, Tina rushed down the large stairway. Spending so much time on makeup usually never made her late. Well, she might have had enough time if her sequined slippers hadn't been hidden in the mess under Lily's bed. When she left the room, her friends had wished her good luck--as if she was going to her death or something. 'It's only a date,' she repeated to herself. 'It's only a date.'

That's what she thought. That is, before she saw how damn sexy Sirius looked in that black button-down shirt. It made her knees soft and her head spin. Couldn't someone finally invent something against blushing? Too late. He had noticed her and strode towards her. "Hey," she said, fighting to keep her voice casual. He smiled and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek, which made her feel like thousands of nerve fibers were connected to that very spot. Trying not to look into his eyes, she decidedly linked her arm into his and led him ahead.

The awkwardness of their conversation was making both of them uncomfortable. The confrontation the other day was still in their minds.

"So where do you want to go?" Sirius finally broke the silence. She had waited for this,
"Let's go--over there!" she said, already spotting a small café. He shrugged and let her pull him there. At the moment, he found it safest to follow her lead without complaint. They got a more secluded table, overshadowed by a large magnolia tree. She had already plopped herself on the bench and he soon joined her. When the stout little waiter came to their table, they ordered two hot chocolates with whipped cream.

"So..." Tina started. "What was all that about yesterday?"

"Oh." He shifted uncomfortably. "That with Snivellus?"

Tina nodded and looked at him imploringly, "Yeah, why were you making fun of him? He can't help it that he's a greasy-haired git!"

Sirius grinned, "Oh...come on...it's SNAPE!"

Tina gave him a stern look but Sirius thought he saw a slight twinkling in her eyes as she said, "Still, I don't want to see you do that again, Mr. Black." She shook a finger at him in mock-teacherfulness.

"Yeah, yeah..." he said absentmindedly. He then added, "If you only knew what a hypocrite you are..."

"What is THAT supposed to mean??"

"Hey, don't think I couldn't hear your screaming and cursing at those first years from all the way in the common room!" he smirked.

"They STOLE my favorite record...those little b--witches!"

"What record?" Sirius said, interrupting an extended rant about the 'obnoxious midgets', as Tina dubbed them.

"The Curse," she replied.

"Oooo..." Sirius oo-ed. "Their lead singer is cool! Great voice..."

"Oh my god, he is so beautiful! I want his clothes...and he's so good when he sings that one song--When Death eats You! Besides, isn't he just gorgeous?" she paused and looked and Sirius.

"No comment," said he and smiled. She smiled back. His expression told her he was intently listening--something she had never noticed dating Bob. He had always talked about himself and his wonderful life and never cared to ask about hers. Now he had found another girl, who would listen when he driveled about his exploits and triumphs. At first she was disappointed. Hadn't she listened well enough? She didn't care so much that Bob broke things up but she was so confused at what she did wrong to deserve this. 'Besides, what does she have that I don't?' she thought angrily. 'A third tit?' But now she came to be relieved that she was finally rid of someone who would dump her for someone so shallow. But she had believed he loved her...how could he just...

"Um...Tina...everything okay?" She snapped back to attention.

"Yeah," she said absentmindedly. "I just had a flashback."

"About Bob?"

She looked at him with astonishment.

"Your...expression," Sirius explained and imitated Tina's scowl. This looked so funny she had to giggle, but then added gravely, "He dumped me for Jasmine."

"Um..."

"Big boobs. Big hair."

Comprehension dawned on Sirius' face. "Ah, that's the one. Real slut, huh."

She nodded silently and looked away.

"Don't worry," Sirius attempted to cheer her up. "I dated her last year and she was a horrible kisser. You know...the wet and sloppy kind." Sirius grimaced.

"Oh really," she said, eyeing him suspiciously. "So...that's how you rate girls?" She looked at him straight in the eyes.

"No," he lied quickly. "Just saying."

Well, yes and no, he added mentally. He used to rate girls like that. But that was before he met Tina. Just hearing her sing made him realize that 'females' weren't a category that could be generalized. Of course this didn't mean he didn't generalize them anyway...

Finally the stout waiter came with the hot chocolates. He winked and smiled secretively as he took an extra long time on the way back.

"I bet," Tina whispered. "He was watching us the whole time, that old gossip hag."

"Well," Sirius flirtatiously placed an arm around her shoulders. She pretended not to notice. "Let's give him something to look at."

And before she could protest, he had already pressed his searing lips onto hers.

~~~

"Shhhhh!" Remus hissed, as the three maneuvered themselves through the crowded Honeydukes. "Geez, Peter, will you stop breathing on my neck? It's kinda disturbing."

"Hey, your neck is the problem, not me."

"What the hell?"

"Forget it!"

"Shut UP you two!" James interceded. They were now behind the counter and heading towards the curtain leading to the cellar.

"Who cut the cheese?" a girl from asked from behind.

"Damn," James said, just as they were safely behind the curtain. "Must you always smell like cheese, Wormtail?" Peter looked away guiltily. Remus put his finger to his lips and beckoned them to follow down the stairs. These creaked dangerously under the sudden weight. Still, the Marauders arrived on solid ground in a matter of minutes. Looking around the room they examined the boxes.

"Hey, look! Gummywaggles!" Peter exclaimed and started foraging in a large box by the stairs. Remus searched the room for chocolate frogs. He found them stacked in boxes near the center of the room. Carefully opening the box, he pulled about one of the small wiggling wrapped frogs. Without thinking (which was unusual for Remus), he opened it. The frog inside, leapt out and jumped around the room. It hopped through the whole room until it paused in a dusty corner. Remus flung himself at it, producing a hollow thump. For a moment he forgot the chocolate frog. The collision had been a *thump* not a -thud-. Putting his ear on the wood floor he carefully knocked. Then slowly, he lifted his body off the floor. It seemed as if the floor rose a bit after it was relieved of its weight.

"Having fun there, Moony?" James asked. Remus continued to feel around the wood boards.

"What's so interesting?" Peter asked and walked towards him.

"Listen," Remus knocked on the floor again. "Sounds hollow, huh?"

"Whoa," James crouched next to him. "That's weird."

Remus nodded. "See, its hollow here--but not here." He knocked at two different places. James squeezed his fingers through a crack in the floor boards. With combined efforts they lifted the board, only to find that a large piece of connected boards was lifted. As they raised the flap, a dark gaping hole became visible.

"Wow," Peter stared. "It's a trapdoor!"

The three looked at each other in awe.

"Common!" said James. "We're going in!"

~~~

They kissed until the hot chocolate became cold. Their mood was so deliriously happy that not even the down-pouring rain and sudden hail could dampen it. After splashing through the wet streets, they finally arrived at The Three Broomsticks, soaking wet. Sirius shook the water out of his hair, spraying everybody in a five feet diameter from him as well. He grabbed Tina's hand and pulled her over to an empty table in the back of the room. As they were seated he watched her intently as she wrung out her hair. He couldn't help noticing how her wet clothes stuck against her figure, her midnight black hair covering her back. "I'll get the drinks," he heard himself saying. But Tina, who had noticed Madam Rosmerta's busty figure behind the counter, insisted she would go. Fortunately, she was already occupied. After waiting ten minutes for Madam Rosmerta to stop flirting outrageously with Hagrid, Tina finally returned with two hot bottles of butterbeer. Still shivering in her thin shirt, and wet clothing, she slipped into the seat next to Sirius, who immediately stopped examining his nails.

"WHY does it have to be so bloody cold outside?" Tina shuddered.

"You're cold?" Sirius asked. Tina gave him the 'duh' look and pointed to the goosebumps that spotted her arms.

"Well, after wildly shaking yourself like a dog, you totally drenched me when we came in. Not to mention the hail!" It was still hailing owls, cats and other Kreachers outside.

"Right," said Sirius, though he had noticed nothing of the hail or the cold.

"Well, I think I know what would help against that..." he said, pulling her closer.

"Me too!" Tina said brightly, and thrust a bottle of butterbeer into his other hand.

"Cheers, mate!" she expertly popped the top off with her thumb.

Sirius gaped as she chugged the whole bottle in one gulp. Clearly intimidated, he took a small sip from his own.

"So..." Tina inquired. "What do you reckon your friends are up to?"

"Oh," Sirius waved dismissively. "I don't know...doing homework, maybe looking for my body lotion..."

~~~

"Blimey...where do you reckon we are?" James held his wand high, letting it cast an illuminating ray of light shine on the bare tunnel walls.

"If I knew I would certainly tell you, mate," Remus said irritatedly. They had been walking through this dark tunnel for what seemed to be hours--occasionally going up and down slopes and taking left and right turns.

"It's cold," Peter shivered. "Maybe we should go back..."

"Sshh, quiet Pete," Remus stopped abruptly. "Do you guys hear that?"

"I'm sorry, but our ears are just not as keen as yours, Moony," James said impatiently.

"Whatever," Remus insisted. "But I swear I hear voices."

"Tell us something we don't know!"

Suddenly, the tunnel took a sharp turn followed by a steep slope upwards and the boys felt the tunnel go into a stone slide.

"Gooooood Ms. Norris...goooood kitty."

"Whoa," James gaped. Was Remus right, again?

"Goood...I knew it was a good idea to teach you Tae Bo and put steroids in your cat nip!"

"Filch," Peter whispered.

"What is HE doing in Hogsmeade?" James said, studying the top of the tunnel. "That is--if we even are in Hogsmeade."

"Let me try," Remus pushed him aside and started saying spells to open the flap. Suddenly, an opening formed--big enough for one person to fit through. One by one they climbed out of the hole, letting out shouts of amazement as they that they had just climbed out of the hump of the statue of the one-eyed witch in the third-floor hallway.

"A secret passageway!" Peter whispered. Exchanging mischievous glances, they quickly disappeared.

~~~

"How was your date?" James asked, as he sat down next to Sirius in the common room.

"Oh, it was--perfect!" said Sirius, trying hard not to gloat. "How was your...day?"

"WE..." James pointed to Remus and Peter. "...just discovered the most swell underground passageway in HOGWARTS!"

"Shhh...not so loud," Remus winced.

Sirius looked unimpressed. "Wha...?"

"Hel-LO, we found a freakin' tunnel to freakin' HOGSMEADE!!!!!!!!!" James screamed.

Remus slapped him. "Shut it! Unless you want the whole Gryffindor House to find out and go steal all the candy!"

"Candy...did someone say candy?" A dazed girl in a long white nightie appeared at the foot of the stairwell.

"No, Trelawney, that was just you!" Remus said with false cheeriness while kicking James hard in the shin.

"Okay..." Sybill gave him a blank gaze and stumbled back up the stairs. Remus groaned and seated himself, shaking his head repeatedly. "Anyway, we were raiding Honeydukes' cellar when we found a secret passageway. A tunnel that leads straight to Hogwarts. The opening is the hump of that witch statue on the third floor."

"You know, the one that looks like Snivellus!" James added eagerly.

"...secret ...tunnel..." Sirius whispered, full of awe. "Bloody Baron..."