And So Life Goes On...

Chapter Fourteen

Crescendo

They cling to each other, holding on as if there's no alternative. That's how Severus finds them, wrapped in one another's arms. He stalks into the room, not bothering to knock on the door, and finds them together. He stands there at the doorway looking at them with his black eyes. It's only after he clears his throat that Draco and Harry notice him standing there, as lost as they are in each other.

"Albus has extended an invitation for you to see him tomorrow," Severus snaps, his arms folded across his chest. "Your spineless Gryffindors did speak on your behalf, convincing him well enough that having your memories back this time is not detrimental to your mental stability. However, one never knows what is going on in his mind." He pauses, his eyes narrowing slightly. "You, of course, can refuse to see him but it would only drag out the inevitable."

Harry lifts his head from Draco's shoulder and loosens his hold around him. "What would you suggest?"

"I would suggest you see him," Severus says, his eyes glaring at the image both of them made together in their embrace. "As he is the last one you have left to confront; however, if you aren't ready for him then merely say so. I will go and inform him that you have declined to see him."

"Harry, are you sure you're ready?" Draco cups his face and turns Harry's gaze away from Severus. "You can always say no."

Harry stares into Draco's eyes. "Aren't you the one who says you're tired of running? That you're going to stop? Shouldn't I do the same?"

"The difference is that you've never really run," Draco murmurs. "But I've been running for more than five years. You could say you're entitled to do some running if you want."

But he has run before, sort of. Not really running away from his life like Draco has, but running away from Albus and his friends, who tried to erase his memories away. This time he isn't, he has already faced them and he will face Albus. Will that make things different? Will Albus finally understand that he's okay with how his life has turned out? That he doesn't regret the past at all?

Harry turns his head and looks at Severus, studies the dark-haired, dark-eyed wizard. He is an imposing figure, Harry muses, and sharp-witted enough to cut into a person's skin. But he is a good man even if he isn't a nice one. Harry understands how he could feel for this man, even love him. It is enough that Severus cares for and protects him. He wonders if it is even possible to go back to what they had. Does he want that? Does Severus even want to?

But what then of Draco, who might be able to love him as he is now? It seems impossible to even begin to think of the old Draco feeling this way about him, but this Draco is different. Even if he might have felt that way before, Harry wouldn't believe him. But this one, Harry can. He himself has changed, so why can't Draco?

"Harry," Severus calls, jerking him from his thoughts, "will you accept or decline the invitation?"

Running isn't an option, and he knows it doesn't do any good. There is but one choice. "I'll see him tomorrow," Harry says. "I need to get my wand back to use my magic."

"Tomorrow at ten, I shall come for you." Severus nods curtly and turns around abruptly. "I will leave you two then."

It takes Harry a moment to realize that Severus isn't just leaving the room, but leaving the flat. It takes him another second to realize why Severus is leaving. Severus thinks that he and Draco are together like that. But they aren't, not yet, and does he want to be? He jumps to his feet, about to call out to Severus not to go--to stay--but it's not like he can say that he wants Severus because he doesn't know if he does. And when he looks at Draco's sad, earnest eyes, he has to stop.

Draco needs him, and Severus doesn't love him.

The door slams shut, loud and angry unlike Severus' sleek, silent entrance. Harry's eyes shift away from Draco to the door that is closed. A few seconds before, Severus was there, walking out and Harry hadn't stopped him.

"It's not too late to call him back," Draco says softly. "I'll understand."

"I don't think I should go," Harry murmurs, looking at the door sadly. It's not as if this Severus loves him for who he is right now. The only thing Severus has said is that he could want him, and that's nothing close to loving him. "He doesn't really want me."

Draco drags his fingers through his hair roughly, messing up his perfect hair. "Merlin, you two are unbelievable!" he exclaims. "You two are so different and yet so alike, it's driving me half mad."

Harry stares at Draco, not really knowing what he's talking about. "Draco, what are you talking--"

"What I'm talking about," Draco snaps, "is the way both of you have avoided confronting each other for the past week about the past, the present, the future... You and I have talked, but you and he haven't! And you two need to talk. You'll never figure things out unless you do."

Harry blinks a few times. "Why are you saying this?"

"Because I think a part of you still wants to love him, and until you can get it out of your system," Draco retorts, "you won't be ready to accept me for me. I've tried to be patient and understanding, but the Gryffindor blockhead that you are--you aren't getting how hard I'm trying! I'm trying to be good to you and hope that maybe being good will be good for me."

Harry is astonished that Draco's being entirely open. He can hear the sincerity in Draco's voice, and he knows that what Draco says is true. Unless he deals with Severus, talks to the man, he won't get the Potions Master out of his mind. He'll keep thinking of the past and the possible future and not be anywhere ready to accept Draco's offer.

"I know I'm not as strong as him, but I can love more than he ever could, if you let me. But I know," Draco continues sharply, "that you can't accept it until you've dealt with him, until you've heard him say that it's impossible for the two of you to be together because... because you're not the same Harry anymore."

"Draco--"

Draco waves his hand in the direction of the door. "Just go and talk to him. Maybe you can get him out of your system and maybe you won't. I'll just have to hope for the former."

"Draco," Harry says softly but steadily, "answer me this."

"What?"

"Were you being honest earlier?" he asks.

Draco licks his dry lips. "This is about my feelings for you? The fact I am falling for you? That I need you in my life?"

"Yes."

"I was being honest," Draco murmurs.

"One more question."

"What is it?"

"Do you really want me to go after Severus?"

Draco sighs. "Do you want me to be honest?"

Harry nods. "Yes."

"I don't," Draco admits. "I don't want you to go after him, but you need to. We both know that."

"I do," Harry remarks, glancing toward the door.

"Yes, you do," Draco agrees, following Harry's gaze. "You should go."

"I'll come back," Harry promises because he can, because he wants to, because he can believe that this Draco is trying to be a better person than the Draco he knew. "Wait for me?"

"Of course."

-

Harry catches Severus in the alley just as Severus was about to apparate back to Hogwarts. "Please," Harry says, "wait."

Severus' eyes, dark and fierce, stare into Harry's own. "I waited more than a year for you to wake up, then I waited four years for you to remember what we had. But you never, ever listen to me, do you?" Severus' eyes turn darker and fiercer. "You are a stubborn idiot that always thinks you know best. If you had just listened to me, just this once, you would have started to regain your memories without Draco's interference!"

"How was I supposed to know that?" Harry shouts. "How?"

"Why didn't you listen to me?" Severus demands. "Why did you have to decide that things worked best your way?"

"I didn't know it was important!"

"I specifically told you to take it with food!"

Harry opens his mouth, wants to say something--anything that will get across to Severus that he just hadn't known, that if he had he would have listened. But there is nothing he knows to say that would do that. What can he say? Severus had told him to take it with food, and as Severus was his doctor--he should have listened.

"If you have nothing further to say," Severus snaps and turns his back towards Harry, "I will be departing now."

Harry feels the words he means to say, means to ask get trapped in his throat. Somehow, with a strength hidden inside, he pushes the words out. "Don't leave."

Severus stops and stands there, waiting for something.

"We need to talk," Harry murmurs. "About us."

"There is no us," Severus says sharply, turning back. "If I recall correctly, you and Draco are together."

Harry shakes his head furiously. "No, we're not. What you saw, it was comfort--it was friendship--it was nothing more than that."

Severus presses his lips together and crosses his arms over his chest. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I don't know."

Curling his lips up, Severus sneers, "This is a waste of my time."

"No, it isn't," Harry whispers. "What we had wasn't a waste of time."

The dark eyes Harry once knew so well narrow their focus and intensity to him. "What you and I had is nothing now," Severus hisses. "It's nothing."

Harry steps forward. "I think it was something."

Severus' eyes bear down on him. For a moment, all Harry and Severus do is look at each other, stare at one another until there is nothing but their eyes gazing into the other's being. Then Harry blinks and the moment is lost.

"I think," Harry begins, "it is still something, and that you did love me."

"You have no idea what--"

"I remember watching you while you were sleeping," Harry murmurs. "I remember thinking that I belong with you, that wherever you are I should be and... I guess that's why I'm here. I..."

"Harry," Severus says in a tired voice, "I don't love you anymore."

Harry feels his heart crash into itself, beating madly and wildly. The words hurt, really hurt. He doesn't understand fully why it does. It's not like he loves Severus. He doesn't, he can't. How could he? He doesn't really know the man. All he knows is what he remembers, and that's not the same, right--not the same as really living it, is it? So why then does it hurt so badly?

"You're the not the same," Severus explains. "And whatever our past was it cannot be again."

"But you said you could want me," Harry whispers. "You said that, you said that."

Severus slowly nods, acknowledging that. "That was ill done of me."

Is that all he can say? Harry's mind screams and cries. Is that all? That it was ill done of him? Merlin, Severus could be a word stingy person when he wanted to be. Why can't he just say he's sorry? Or better yet, tell things as they are? That he never loved Harry, not even a little.

"Did you ever love me as much as I loved you?" Harry demands because he just needs to. "Did you even feel a fraction of what I felt for you?"

Because Harry knows this is true. Knows it all of a sudden when he remembers: "You're not nice," Harry begins softly, his fingers tracing up Severus' thin, bony chest. "You're not pretty or any of those lovely things, but I don't care about those things. I don't care that your hair is greasy and your teeth are rotten and yellow." Harry bends his head down and presses a kiss on Severus' light brown nipple. "I shouldn't even be here with you, you make me so inexplicably sad. And yet, do you know what?" Harry raises his head and stares into Severus' dark, fathomless eyes. "I can't imagine life without you, my love."

"Answer me!"

Severus says nothing, and Harry can't stand this--can't take this anymore. For the past week, two weeks, he has dealt with the lies and secrets they've kept from him. He even thinks he has handled it well, but this time he can't leash his anger--his frustration or his pain.

"Answer, Severus," Harry hisses and reaches out to grab Severus by the arms. He shakes the older wizard in a violent, volatile way. "Answer me."

"Why do you care?"

Harry's hands jerk away from Severus. It's a good question. Why does he care? It's not like... or is it? Harry closes his eyes and thinks, his mind sifting fast through all his memories that he has of present and the few he does of the past. Draco said he thinks Harry still loves Severus. But... why?

Why this man who doesn't love him anymore?

"I don't know why," Harry confesses. "I just do. I just need to know."

"You want your curiosity satisfied," Severus states flatly. "But why should I care?"

"Because you do care," Harry gambles. "Because you care about me or you wouldn't have stuck around that long. Don't you think I should know?"

"Why should you when you were never told?" Severus says coldly.

"What?" Harry says, not quite processing what Severus has said even though it's clear and simple, easy to understand. "What did you say?"

"I will not repeat myself," Severus snaps. "And I have wasted enough time. Good--"

Harry latches onto Severus' arm. "No."

"Let go of my arm, Potter."

Hearing his surname from Severus' lips just hurts, Harry realizes. It's just so cold and so unfamiliar, so final. It's such an end statement to their relationship. Harry loosens his hold intuitively even though he still holds on. "Severus," he begins with a suddenly dry throat, "why did you never tell me?"

"Because I was waiting for a real future with you!" Severus shouts, his eyes blazing. "Because I wanted you to have something to hold out for, something other than the revenge I instilled in you. I knew," he says, his voice measurably softer, "you were waiting, waiting for me to say those words and I vowed not to tell you until it was over, until he was gone. Then we could have something after, just us.

"But you, you had to step in front of the Killing Curse meant for me. You had to have your stupid, idiotic hero complex. Who told you I wanted to be saved by you? No! I would have rather died than to see you taken from me. In the end, it didn't matter did it?" Severus inquires coldly. "Either way, my death or your memory loss, you were taken from me."

Severus jerks his arm away from Harry's grasp. "Now if you will excuse me, I must get back to Hogwarts."

Harry opens his mouth to protest, but his words die on his tongue. He doesn't know what to say and he can only watch Severus wink out of existence.

-

Harry doesn't want to go back to his flat where Draco is waiting. But he doesn't want to sit outside either, like he did before. Instead, he walks and keeps walking until all sense of time and place are gone. He has no idea where he is and what he's doing, but he's doing something and he's going somewhere, wherever it is.

It's better not to think. It hurts less that way. Too bad he can't.

-

Draco finds him near midnight still wandering around obscure parts in London. Harry doesn't know if Draco has been following him for long, or if Draco really did just find him. It's possible, Harry muses, for Draco to have been tailing him. It's not like he really notices anything unless he bumps into something or trips over it.

"Harry, come home."

But what if he doesn't want to?

"It's cold and it's wet," Draco says, his voice trembling slightly. Why isn't the blond using a warming charm? "You've been wandering for Merlin knows how long, but I'm tired of waiting for you to come to your senses and go back home."

So Draco has been following him for a while. Harry feels a little bad, but it's not like rain and a little cold is going to do much damage. What can physical misery do when it's the mental anguish that's really killing him?

"Harry," Draco begins again, "let's go home."

"No," Harry says softly but sharply. "That's not my home. That's a flat that Hermione and Ron rented for me. And you know what? I still don't pay the rent. They take care of everything for me. They always have, haven't they? Down to my very life." He throws his head back and laughs loudly, uncontrollably. "I am nothing but a pawn that's been controlled all my life, and I'm sick and tired of listening to someone telling me what to do. No more, no more, no more!"

There's a moment of silence before Draco asks softly, "What if it's someone that just wants the best for you?"

"That's what my friends said!" Harry exclaims, his eyes burning a fierce green. "That's exactly what my friends said."

"I don't want to be your friend," Draco says, holding his hand out. "Will you come with me to my place?"

Harry stares at the hand, unsure of what to do. If he takes it, he knows he'll lead Draco into thinking things he shouldn't be. Harry doesn't know if he feels like that about Draco yet. He doesn't know how he feels about Severus either. It's just too much to take in with so little time. It's hard to imagine, but it's really only been a little more than two weeks. So much has changed, it's rather unbelievable.

"Please Harry?"

Harry hesitates. "To the mansion?"

Draco shakes his head. "No, to my flat."

"All right," Harry says but doesn't take Draco's hand. "I'll go with you."

-

"Do you want something to eat?" Draco asks after they've sat down on the couch in his sitting room. "I can fix something up for you."

"Shouldn't you be ordering me around to get something for you?" Harry teases because he knows it's odd for a Malfoy to be offering to serve anybody else. But then it's weird for a Malfoy to be falling in love with him too.

Draco only raises an eyebrow. "Harry, you're the guest."

"And you're a Malfoy," Harry remarks. "But then you're not really like your father, are you? I used to think you were, you know," he muses. "Unless you've changed in the five years that I was lost in my own mind." He taps his head and smiles weakly. "It's hard to know what to think, what to do, and I don't know what to expect from you." Harry sighs and drops his hand. "But you know what? I don't think you are anything like your father, not even in the beginning. Though you were definitely trying to be."

"I was," Draco admits. "Weren't you trying to be like your father?"

Harry shrugs his shoulders. "I don't remember my parents. But I wish I did. I wish what Hermione and Ron had told me about my parents dying when I was older was true--that I at least had some time with them, some time in which to have memories of them." He looks down at his hands. "What would you wish for?" he asks softly, randomly. "If you could wish for anything?"

"Can't you guess?" Draco whispers.

Harry blushes and ducks his face down. "Oh."

Draco laughs a little and it's a lovely sound. "Tell me your wish," he urges. "You must have one in mind to ask me that question."

Harry nods. "I wish life was less complicated."

"I think everyone wishes that," Draco murmurs.

"Do you?"

"Everyone likes a little simplicity now and then. Who wouldn't? Complication after complication gets tiring. I know it does. My life has been one hardship after another since I've run." Draco fails his attempt to half-smile. "Sadly, much as your life is right now."

"Does it get any easier?" Harry asks.

Draco shakes his head. "No, but you learn to bear it."

"Do you ever want to give up?"

"If I did," he says, "then life wouldn't go on."

"Sometimes, especially before and even now, I wanted to let go, but I told myself I had to go on, I had to keep living."

"Why?"

Harry smiles beautifully, sadly. "Because someone told me, I don't know who, that life is always worth living."

"I hope so," Draco replies softly. "I'm tired of running."

Harry reaches over and touches Draco's hand. "Then stop."

-

It's early in the morning when Harry opens his eyes. The light from the windows is dim and weak. But there's light enough that Harry can see the shadows that haunt the corners, oppressing the room. Soon though, he knows, they'll disappear.

He wonders too if his shadows will stop haunting him. He thinks about the lies he's been told, the lies that he's lived. It's hard to accept that this life he has now, that what he has here is nothing but a sham. But he has to, and he will. It'll take time, but he knows he's capable of moving on--moving past this.

But first... he must see Albus--only four more hours to go.

-

Draco serves him breakfast in bed. Harry doesn't know if Draco bought the food or if he actually made it. It doesn't matter though. It smells wonderful, and Harry realizes when he sees the sausages and toast, that he's starving. He forks the food into his mouth, chewing rapidly until he clears his plate.

"I should have made more," Draco muses, smiling from where he's half-sitting and leaning against the guest bed. "I know you can eat quite a bit. I've seen you devour food before."

Harry frowns, not really remembering where Draco would have seen him eat before. "When?"

"At Hogwarts, of course."

Harry remembers Draco staring at him with his sharp, silver eyes. How his eyes seem to measure him, judge him. "You used to watch me when I ate."

"I did," Draco admits. "You had atrocious table manners." He leans forward and his fingers wipe some crumbs from Harry's lips. "You still eat like a messy child."

Harry rolls his eyes and glances toward the alarm clock. "It's almost ten!" he cries. "We'll never make it back to my flat in time--"

"We're wizards, Harry," Draco says. "We'll Apparate and be there in less than a minute." He stands up and takes Harry's tray. "How about I take care of this and you change?"

"Thanks," Harry says, smiling gratefully before frowning, "but I don't have anything to wear."

Draco points to a closet. "Just grab something of mine."

Draco leaves and closes the door behind him. Harry stares at it for a long moment, thinking of what a great friend Draco could be and... maybe more, but he really doesn't have time to think about that. He has other things--actually someone--to deal with first. Harry jerks his head, snapping him from paralysis, and moves like a storm to the closet.

He opens it and finds everything coordinated, organized, and sophisticated. Just like Draco.

-

"You cannot come," Severus states curtly to Draco when he arrives to pick Harry up. "Albus will not allow anyone else in the Room of Requirement but for himself and Harry."

Draco narrows his eyes. "Is it safe then?" he asks. "Leaving Harry alone with him?"

"Yes, it is," Severus says in a tone that indicates Draco shouldn't doubt that he would have Harry's best interests in his heart. "The Room of Requirement is special in that it can fulfill any requirement that is needed of the room. In this case, I demanded that Albus let me request the room." He clears his throat. "I checked it yesterday and no magic can be performed, even wandless magic. Harry will be as safe there as he is anywhere."

Draco still looks uncertain, but Harry says, "I trust him." He turns to Severus. "I trust you."

Severus nods stiffly. "Shall we go then?"

Harry inclines his head, then turns back to Draco. "Will you be here when I come back?"

"Yes, I'll be here."

-

"I feel a little queasy," Harry says after they appeared on the border of the anti-Apparition wards. He clutches Severus' shoulder for support so that he doesn't fall over off balance. "Sorry about that." Severus doesn't say anything, but he reaches out with his hands to steady him. Harry smiles gratefully. "Thanks."

Severus nods curtly and starts striding away. Harry follows, not really sure what else to do. He feels awkward, gawky, and juvenile compared to Severus. He wonders if he always used to feel this way when he's with the older man or if it's a new sensation. If anything, he shouldn't. After all, he's older. It's not like he's a student anymore. It's not like... he has any reason to feel inferior. He wasn't, not if Severus once loved him.

"Severus," he says, just to say the name and feel how it sounds on his tongue, "can you please slow down?"

It's not that it's that hard to keep up, but it's certainly not easy. Severus is taller than he is by a good several inches, and when he's going at full speed--it is a bit of a challenge to keep up. And it's not like Harry's in any rush to see Albus... to face the coming confrontation. That must come.

"Did you hear me?" Harry calls, falling even more behind. "Why won't you slow down? I--"

Severus whirls around and pins Harry with his sharp eyes. "What more do you want from me?" Severus snaps. "I have already done everything I can for you! I arranged this fiasco, I've helped you gain your life back, what is it that you want? Are you never satisfied?"

Harry almost doesn't know why Severus is lashing out at him. It couldn't be for the day before could it? If anyone should be upset about yesterday, shouldn't it be him? After all, he's the one that got rejected. But then... Harry reflects with growing understanding, it's unlike Severus to bare his soul like that. It's unlike him to be so emotionally honest. What it must have cost him... No wonder he's retreating.

"I hope when all this is over," Harry says determinedly, steadily, "I hope that you're still in my life."

Severus narrows his eyes. "Why would you care?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

They speak of nothing further the rest of the way.

-

"I can go no further," Severus says outside the door of the Room of Requirement. Harry vaguely recognizes the feel of this room, the atmosphere. It's as if he has been here before, as if he spent a lot of time here. Curiously, he doesn't have any real memories of this place, not yet at least. "But you will be safe here," Severus continues. "I have made sure of that."

Harry nods gratefully. "Thank you."

"Albus will give you your wand. He promised."

"And then I will have my magic back," Harry murmurs in wonder. "I will, won't I?"

Severus grudgingly inclines his head. "You should. You've been doing a lot of accidental magic recently. With your own wand, you should have an intuitive control back with which to practice spells again. If all goes well, I suspect you will be doing magic like you were never apart from it." He pauses, clearing his throat. "It's not something one can forget, to cast spells, even if one has been apart from it a long time. It stays with you."

"But you've never been apart from it..." Harry begins to argue, then stops--remembering something. Remembering Severus telling him in bed while they lied together that even though they will never have to practice the Dark Arts after Voldemort is gone--the essence of it will never leave them. They have already been marked. "The Dark Arts," he says. "It becomes a part of you whether you practice it or not."

"Yes," Severus says.

"You corrupted me."

Severus says nothing to deny that, nothing at all.

"I let you," Harry whispers fervently. "I asked you."

"You--"

"It's not your fault, Severus, who I became--who I am, what they did trying to get me back to the way I was," Harry says, knowing all of a sudden all his words are true. It's a gut feeling, it's an ingrained intuition. He just knows. "They shouldn't have, but they did." He reaches up with his hand and touches Severus' cheek. "I am not so different from the Harry you once knew, but I am not the same either." Harry points with his other hand at the door. "After I step in, after I settle things with him, will you let me sort out my life? Will you still be a part of my life? As a friend, a mentor, a teacher?"

Severus steps back and Harry's hand drops to the side. "You're going to be late."

Harry takes the unspoken answer. At least Severus didn't say no. Harry turns to the Room of Requirement, knocks on the door, and waits for it to swing open. When it does, Harry is blinded momentarily by white, white walls that surround the two dark grey chairs in the middle, one of which Albus Dumbledore is sitting in.