And So Life Goes On...

AND SO LIFE GOES ON...

Part of "The Aevum Series"

By Nenya Entwhistle

Chapter Ten
No Man's Land

"How could he love you?" Draco murmurs in low and calculated tone, rising to his feet, which causes Severus to follow suit. "When he doesn't even know what the word means!"

Harry recognizes the innate challenge in Draco's voice, how he is trying to manipulate his words for a desired effect. And if he allows it to work--it will. Does he want it to? Harry shifts his eyes toward Severus, standing there with his arms folded looking formidable and relentless. Then there is Draco--Harry returns his gaze to the blond--who looks graceful and composed even when his eyes had been blazing with emotion and his voice had been shouting insults earlier. In their own way each is concealing something, but who is doing it more?

He doesn't know. His mind is blank. Nothing is coming, not a memory of Severus or even a feeling. And then there's Draco, who he knows now but can remember nothing of what happened between them before, other than in relation to his father. That's a scary thought. It shouldn't be like that. Why is Draco reminding him of Lucius when Draco should be reminding him of himself? Like Severus does?

"Are you saying that you know what love is?" Severus whispers, a deadly edge to it. "Because I think you're mistaken if you think your obsessive complex for Harry is love. It's an addiction and a need. You want someone that doesn't know about your past, which is what you'll get with Harry, isn't it? You get a chance to start over with someone that knows nothing, someone who will be grateful to you for telling him of a magical world he knew nothing about. That's what you want, am I not right? You want a second chance in a world that will give you none."

"Yes!" Draco screams, his eyes blazing with such a burning fire that Harry sees nothing of Lucius in him. "Is that so wrong? To want a chance for a life in the Wizarding World when they've shut me out of everything I've known? You would be stuck in the same dilemma that I was in if you weren't Albus Dumbledore's little pet. He kept you safe, but no one did the same for me!"

"I wasn't the one that wanted to crawl into Voldemort's service!" Severus roars, seeming to tower over Draco even though the blond is as tall as he is. "You were this close," Severus exclaims, holding up his fingers with a tiny space between them, "I know, to giving your soul and your life to him! But Harry's timing was perfect, was it not? He killed Voldemort just before you were to be--"

"Marked," Draco finishes, his eyes flickering from Severus to Harry and softening. "But even if I might have been foolish enough to have wanted it, and I will admit that it was an idiotic thing to want, I was never marked, unlike you."

"Show me," Harry demands, his green eyes penetrating Snape's dark eyes. "Show me your mark."

Snape folds his arms across his chest and glares down at Harry. "Why should I show you?"

"If you're going to fuck me," Harry murmurs in a low, throaty voice, "then I think I have the right to see your fucking mark."

"You have no rights in regards to me," Snape sneers, "but I have every right over you." He stalks over to Harry and grips his chin in a bruising hold. "Do you understand what you did when you swore to me that you'd never mention our relationship unless I gave you permission to? This means I can do anything I want to you, violate you in any manner I choose and you cannot raise a voice in complaint." Snape's finger traces over Harry's lip rather gently. "I could rape you and you won't be able to say who it was that took your virginity. How does it feel, Harry, to be so helpless? To be at the mercy of my goodwill?"

"I'm not helpless," Harry retorts, feeling more alive in Snape's presence than with anyone else since Remus had died. "I'm not! And do you want to be like them? Like Lucius? Having to force me with the promise of what I'll gain after I become your fucktoy? Huh? I thought the reason you joined Albus Dumbledore was because you didn't want to be like that! But you are, aren't you?" Harry whispers, leaning closer into Snape. "You're exactly what you don't want to be."

Snape presses forward and his lips meet Harry's. The kiss isn't gentle nor is it brutal. "I am nothing like them," he hisses when he pulls away. Harry breathes hard, his eyes wide and his pupils dilated. "If I were, I would have already had you and killed you. But instead I'm going to help you."

"Yesss... help me."

Snape bends his head down once again. "If you listen, beg nicely, then I will keep my promise. Unlike Gryffindors," he says softly, sibilantly, "I don't break my word."

Harry flinches and would have moved away but for the fact that Snape's arms are around his waist, holding him still. "I didn't break my word."

"You mourned for more than a day," Snape whispers. "You promised you wouldn't."

"How--"

"Shush Harry, and open your mouth."

"I redeemed myself," Severus snaps, "but where's yours, Malfoy? Your only redemption factor is that you've never been marked. You're a pathetic excuse for a human being. At least your father, Lucius, had a sense of himself that wasn't derived from his father! Who are you, Draco, without your father? Hmm? Would you like me to tell you? You're a nobody!"

"I--" Draco shouts and then shuts his mouth abruptly. Instead he drops back to his knees and scoots closer to Harry and grabs him by the arms. "Look at me Harry." Harry turns away from Severus, who is so far and yet so near that Harry can feel the man's wrath, and shifts his gaze to Draco. "Snape is not wrong. I did want to join Voldemort, but that's only because--"

"Because you're a weak and shallow--"

"Because," Draco begins again firmly, "Voldemort was the only one that offered to help me with my mother's insanity. Do you know what happens to people who are soul-bound to each other and they aren't able to be with them? They go crazy." Draco shudders and drops his hands away from Harry. "My mother was never stable after my father was gone, but she continued to get worse and the fucking Ministry wouldn't even let her see him in prison. We didn't want him to be released, though we did try. All we wanted was to see him, to let my mother see the man she loved more than her own life! Was that so wrong? Was it?"

"Potter," Draco sneers. "What are you doing dwelling in Slytherin territory?"

Harry shutters his eyes and mumbles, "Remedial Potions."

"If you're so intellectually incompetent in that area, why do you even bother with NEWT Potions?" Draco says snidely. "It's not like you'll get the E that you need to get into the Auror ranks. It's hopeless and you might as well give up. Because no one really thinks you have the power to kill the Dark Lord. And if you do, then you're even stupider than I thought."

Harry says nothing, remembering what Remus told him, that he should count to ten whenever he felt like exploding at someone. Remus had said there was nothing more aggravating to a person trying to get a rise out of you then to fail to get a response at all. And Harry had used it plenty of times in the past, especially with Snape, and it always seems to work perfectly.

"I suppose the entire Wizarding World will mourn you as a tragic hero when you die," Draco snarls. "Too bad I won't have a front row seat to witness it. I'm sure it would be a bloody fantastic show."

"Why wouldn't you?" Harry asks, cursing at his tongue for getting away from him. He wasn't supposed to acknowledge Draco, and it isn't like he cares. But why wouldn't Draco have a front row seat unless...

"Do you think I would want to follow that madman?" Draco retorts in a low, low voice. How he manages to get his disgust and indignation across with such a soft tone is rather impressive, Harry thinks. "Unlike you, Potter, we're not all moronic Gryffindors that do whatever someone else says. I am no Peter Pettigrew."

"And your father is?" Harry can't resist saying.

"Leave my father out of this!" Draco snarls, using his hands to push Harry away. "And get the fuck out of here before I take points away! After all, who's going to argue with the Head Boy when I say you were out after curfew? Especially when Harry Potter is such the good little rule-breaker."

"No," Harry whispers, his voice faint and uncertain, "it's not." He turns his head toward Severus, who even when crouching has a formidable glower that is thankfully not focused on him. Instead it is aimed at Draco, and Harry wonders how the blond doesn't flinch. "But..."

"But what Harry?" Severus says sinuously, his dark eyes shifting away from Draco to Harry as if he just knows when Harry is looking at him. "What are you thinking?" Severus reaches out with his hand and Harry allows the touch. Harry hears Draco's low growl, protestations but he instinctively leans into the touch. Why the severe, harsh man doesn't frighten him even after all the nasty words he's said to Draco--confuses him. Is this trust? And if it is... then was that how they started a relationship? "Are you thinking about what I'm thinking? Remembering what I'm remembering?"

"I..." Harry begins hesitantly, his cheeks warming and his body reacting. "He didn't want to be a Death Eater." The touch of Severus' fingers change; it isn't as comforting as they had been a moment ago. "I remember that. It was in the hallways leading to..."

"...the Slytherin dorms, the very end of 7th year, right before NEWTs," Draco finishes. "I said, 'Do you think I want to follow that madman?'" Harry feels Draco's hand touch his. He doesn't flinch, but he feels awkward, strange to have both men touching him as if it is their right. "Did you believe me?"

Harry pushes his hands and feet until they propel him backwards, away from the two of them. There, he wraps his arms around his legs and rocks back and forth. They start to approach him but he shakes his head furiously. "Don't," he says. "Don't."

And they listen.

Instead they turn to each other, their eyes sharpening and glaring. "Why should he believe you?" Snape snaps. "Especially when you later turned to Voldemort, the very person you said you would never want to serve? Hmmm? Where did that vow go, Malfoy? Or is your word simply as meaningless as your life? So much for not being his bitch. You were, even if you never got his mark."

"Why you bastard!" Draco screams. "How dare you say that? When you--you know more than anyone how much--"

"It didn't stop you, did it?"

The air is quiet, too quiet. Harry knows that feeling when it gets too silent. He recognizes the complex Silencing Charms that have been implemented for privacy's sake. To him it's an innate challenge to unravel them without the caster knowing, whoever it is. It would put his wandless magic to the test, which Severus always says is the best way to do undetectable magic. He senses how complicated the charms guarding the room are, considers the location, and knows--just feels--Severus' magical signature is the one in place. What would his lover think if he were to slither his way through and yet keep the charms up for all the others?

Probably be irritated and prone to accusing Harry for not respecting someone's privacy, and yet Severus' eyes would be glowing dark in approval at such a Slytherin characteristic. It's something a snake would do, and hasn't Severus said that he's becoming a good slippery serpent? Harry smirks and holds his hand up against the wall, letting his fingers seek out the Silencing Charms that are embedded against the stone, amplifying outward to cancel out the sound around.

"I can't wait any longer," a low, somewhat familiar voice hisses. Harry twists his face up into a frown trying to remembering whose voice this is. He feels like he ought to recognize it, but he also knows he hasn't heard this voice in a long time. "I've stood on the fence long enough already and it's done my mother little good." Harry's eyes widen a little when he realizes who this is and he takes an involuntary step back. What is Draco doing talking with Severus? "I've tried to listen to what you've said, but it's not doing any good!" Draco exclaims. "And my mother's the one suffering!"

Harry narrows his eyes when he hears an odd tone in his lover's voice. "Draco..." Severus sounds hoarse, tired, and perhaps disappointed? "Your mother has already lost it and what she suffers from cannot be cured with the mere sight of him! And seeing Lucius again and then being ripped apart from him would only make it harder for her to bear the days when she can't see him. There's nothing more that you can do for her, Draco. You must save yourself."

"And not think of her?" Draco cries. "What a selfish bastard you are! No wonder your parents didn't want you! No wonder they were so eager to get rid of you! Did you even love your parents, Severus? Did you even care what happened to them?"

"Why should I care about two miscreants that took perverse joy in making my life a living hell? I'm glad they're dead, may their souls rot in hell," Severus snarls viciously. Harry's lips twitch as he remembers some of the foul things Severus had called his parents. No wonder the two of them are compatible, Harry muses, similar backgrounds--similar childhoods.

"Well you might not give a shit about your fucking parents, but I do. I love her, Severus, and helping her even a little is worth--"

"Throwing your life away to a madman?" Severus snaps. Harry can see those dark eyes flashing with a challenge, staring into Draco with a relentless intensity. "Becoming the monster that you said you didn't want to be? Someone your mother would have hated if she was in her right mind? Do you think she would have wanted that?"

There's a silence that stretches more than the boundaries of the spell. It makes Harry fidget where he stands, knowing that he shouldn't be listening, and yet he cannot help but stay and eavesdrop. He presses his ear against the wall even though he doesn't need to do that to listen in. It just gives him the feeling that he's hearing more, not that there is anything to hear. Neither of them is saying anything. The silence drags on, pushes outward, and overhauls the charm.

"It doesn't matter--"

"Get out of my sight!" Severus shouts, really shouts. Harry has never heard him raise his voice like this, thundering something akin to scream. Usually just speaking in a tone a bit louder than his talking voice is enough. It's his presence that lends to the volume of his voice, not the actual sound. "Now, Malfoy!"

There's the sound of a door opening, then slamming. Harry presses his body against the wall and murmurs a Shadow Charm that will make him appear as if he is not there. Wandless magic, he thinks, is quite the useful art, especially when wand-waving would attract unnecessary attention. It's a moment after the spell's activated that Draco storms past him with his blond hair and expensive robes flying behind him until he's gone.

Someone shakes him gently, long fingers that wrap around both of his arms in a manner that doesn't frighten him. It's Severus, Harry knows. Like he knows that it's Draco who's yelling at Severus to stop it, to stop shaking him. He wants to tell Draco that it's okay, that Severus often did this to him but when he opens his mouth, no sound comes out. His throat constricts and his eyes see nothing. A terrible pain blocks out any thought, any memories he might still have and sends him into the darkness.

-

"How could he do this to me?" Harry snarls, his eyes staring at the shattered bits of a broken mirror, scattered before him. His image is parted into pieces, fragmented everywhere around the floor, reflecting how he feels at this moment. "How could Albus do this to me? I thought he knew better. He should know better! He more than anyone else should know that he shouldn't have done what he did! MERLIN, I WANT TO HATE HIM!" he screams and slams his fist against the wall. His face screws up in pain as his knuckles crunch together. "I do, I do, I do," he chants, dropping to his knees. "I have to hate him. He should have known better. I need to hate him. Then it'll be easier. It'll be easier, so much easier. Hate him, hate him just hate him."

-

Severus snores, not loudly, but he does snore. It's a soft, gentle sound that lulls Harry to sleep most nights. Tonight he stays up, listening to it, reveling in the fact that he's here in Severus' bed, in his room and that he's here for keeps. It doesn't matter if Severus tries to push him out, he won't leave--he will not. But Severus has not even tried to. It is as if he knows it would do no good. Harry smirks at the darkness that surrounds them, envelops them. This is where he belongs, with whom he belongs.

-

It's easier to be alone, Harry thinks, drawing his legs up against his chest and wrapping his arms around them. The Room of Requirement is bare. The walls are gray and the light is so dim as to be almost nonexistent. There is no furnishing, nothing but stone walls and darkness. It doesn't matter to Harry, because even though the Room of Requirement is supposed to give him what he wants, it can't. Even the most enchanted room other than for the Chamber of Secrets can't bring Remus back to life. No magic can, even that of ancient, old magic that has been lost for generations. Harry presses his cold cheeks against his knees and wants to wail, to cry, to feel something other than emptiness.

-

Harry throws some clothes and some fake papers he's bought into his bag. He has already decided that he can't stay in England anymore. He has to get away, far away. His anger still overwhelms him, but he has reined it in enough to start thinking rationally. He zips the bag shut and slumps against his bed. He would like to leave right now, but it's probably better to travel late in the night when there will be less people around to observe him. If he's lucky, he might be able to evade Albus' tracking spells on him without the old coot knowing before it's far, far too late.

-

He feels like he is dying when he sees a hideous green light sweeping toward Severus, threatening to engulf his lover into an end. Harry moves and does so quickly, but he still thinks he's not quick enough, that when he gets there it'll be too late. He stumbles, falls to his knees, but it's a perfect angle for his clumsiness. He lands directly in front of Severus when the Avada Kedavra hits. Instead of extinguishing Severus' life, it rips into his soul. The feeling of death departs from Harry because his life is slipping away from him. Because he is dying.

-

The light hurts, compounding the pain he already feels, when Harry opens his eyes. It takes him a moment to recognize that there is almost no light in the room. The only bit comes from his bathroom, which means he's in his bed. His comforters are wrapped around him and it's when he turns to the side to look at the time, that he sees Draco and Severus sitting there sleeping on chairs stolen from his dining room.

He doesn't want to disturb either of them, but he feels the pressing need to pee. He pushes the covers down and rises, feeling dizzy and disoriented. Harry takes a breath and closes his eyes to shut out the swirling images.

"You know, it's all right to ask for help," Severus says softly, "you stupid boy."

"Do you love me?" Harry demands, staring into Severus' dark eyes with as much intensity as his lover. "Do you?" He jabs a finger into Severus' chest. "Because sometimes you act like you can't get enough of me and other times you just shove me away. Because we've been together for nearly five years and people don't stay around that long if they don't love each other. Because..."

"Because what?" Severus snaps in his characteristically annoyed, aggravated voice. "Because you need to put a definition, a reason behind this relationship we're in? Does it even matter, you stupid boy, to define what we have with the puny words of humankind?" His hand makes a fist of Harry's robes and then he pulls the young man toward him. "When all that really matters is what we feel?" Severus bends his head down and crushes his lips against Harry's.

"Will you not even say it now?" Harry asks, opening his eyes to see Severus hovering near him with concern. "Can you not tell me? After all this time, will you not give me an answer?"

Severus' eyes briefly look away. "What is your question?"

"Do you love me?"

Severus opens his mouth and then purses his lips together. From the side, Harry hears Draco say in a groggy voice, though his words are sharp: "How can he answer that when he doesn't?"

"I don't understand..."

"Of course you don't understand, you incompetent ignoramus!" Severus sneers in his patronizing way. "I can't even believe that you've used this spell before! Can you do nothing right?"

Harry simply shrugs. "Show me again."

"You aren't even holding your wand properly," Severus snaps, stalking over to Harry and jerking his wrist into the right position. "That's the way you hold it, now try it again!"

Harry holds his wand up and levels it at Severus. "Legilimens!"

This time he penetrates Severus' mind. Harry remembers quite well the last time he used the spell to intrude, how he found the memory he wanted to find, and the surprise he felt when he could feel Severus' tension, nerves, and the fact that there was no hatred for him. Dislike, yes; irritation, most definitely. But true hatred was lacking and that is why he's here, casting the same spell again a few months later.

He can think no more of himself because he is suddenly swamped with memory after memory of Severus' childhood. Of his parents arguing and screaming at each other; of Severus hiding in his room underneath the covers when he was little; of his parents berating and shouting at him for being such an ugly offspring; of Severus' joy to go to Hogwarts, only to be disappointed by being exiled immediately because of who he is. A feeling overwhelms Harry, not pity or even sympathy, but something more than a physical connection.

It's as if he can almost understand who he fucks daily.

Draco reaches his hand out to touch Harry, but Severus snaps, "Don't touch him!"

"Why shouldn't I?" Draco spits, his voice poisoned and ugly. "It's not as if he wants someone like you touching him now that he can have me."

Someone would have to tell Draco one day such arrogance is more than a little irritating, Harry muses and then groans. His head hurts too much to think about much of anything and with these two men--no, children--here fighting over him he can't get any peace whatsoever. But then he doubts telling them to leave will do any good. They will probably just start arguing with him. So Harry closes his eyes and just tries to drown out the sounds of their bickering.

"You still are an arrogant little arse, aren't you Malfoy?" Severus snarls softly.

"The only reason I can think of that Harry would deem to sink so far as to sleep with you is if he had no other options," Draco says in a low voice, ignoring what Severus said entirely. "Now that I think about it, he stayed at Hogwarts after his schooldays were over, didn't he? He couldn't very well carry on an affair with a student because that would be decidedly improper." Draco clears his throat deliberately. "But if Harry is gay as he obviously is, then who else could he fuck on the staff but you? Flitwick? Dumbledore? Please--he only fucked you because you were the only option, as ugly and repulsive as you are."

For some reason Harry wants to come to Severus' aid, though what Draco says doesn't seem wrong. He doesn't have to open his eyes to picture Severus' large, hideous nose or his dark, intense eyes that would frighten anyone with a measure of sanity, or the harsh lines of his face where he has frowned too much. Then there is the man's greasy hair and his thin build that even his clothes cannot hide. Harry doesn't wonder what is hidden underneath, he pretty much can guess. Gaunt body where probably some of the bones are visible, definitely not a beautiful sight. But even if there is nothing beautiful about Severus, Harry realizes there is no need to defend him.

"Do you resort to derisive words to make you feel mightier than you are?" Severus whispers, his voice never sounding more dangerous. "I think I've mentioned before that with Harry you'd get to start over, but it's more than a mere second chance isn't it? Have you mentioned to Harry that you're an outcast in our world? If he wanted to reestablish himself there, you would be the worst person to guide him." Severus pauses, letting the silence soak into the air. "Let me guess, you were hoping to use Harry--"

"I wasn't!" Draco shouts loud enough that Harry opens his eyes and shifts them toward the blond. Draco's face is flushed and his eyes are piercing, striking and yet as Harry flickers his eyes to Severus--he has no idea what to do about either of them. Both in their own way makes him wary and yet who else can he trust but the two of them?

"Somehow," Severus drawls coldly, "I find that hard to believe. I know how a Malfoy works. You forget, young Malfoy, I went to school with your father. The way a Malfoy mind works is very Machiavellian. You manipulate rather than persuade. You would have fear first, then love. With such princely teachings, how can you even hope to act selflessly in helping Harry without an ulterior motive?"

"Just because I might have set out in the beginning to use him to help me doesn't mean I did!" Draco cries, looking so earnest and honest that Harry badly wants to believe him. If there is anyone in his life that has yet to betray him in the present, Harry knows, it's Draco. But then there's Severus--who he feels when he gets back his memories--he'll know better than himself.

"It's no worse than what you as his lover and his best friends did to him!" Draco exclaims. "But I didn't, unlike the rest of you! When I was away--I just realized, it came to me as an epiphany... that I didn't want him for what he could do for me... but that I want him for him."

Harry wants to say something profound or understanding, but all he can blurt out is: "I need to use the loo."