A Day in the Ruddy Life of an Owl

A day in the Ruddy Life of An Owl

Or

Hedwig's Bad Day

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Note to Self: Tomorrow upon flying into the Great Hall to deliver that RUDE OBNOXIOUS BOY WHO IS DISGUSTING AND WRETCHED ABOVE ALL THINGS ON THE EARTH, ABOVE THE EARTH AND BELOW THE EARTH... ah hem. Pardon me. Deliver that... boy's... mail, try not to clock head on crossbeams in the ceiling.

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Note to Self: When RUDE OBNOXIOUS BOY says to deliver mail, by gum do it (even if it's natural to be SLEEPING AT WHICH TIME), lest he PROD YOU IN PLACES A FEMALE OWL SHOULD NEVER BE PRODDED! God, doesn't that boy understand anatomy at all?

Note to Self: Well, I just met the love of my life today. Keep an eye on... well, if anyone should find this... we'll just call him Frances for now. Keep an eye on Frances for a chance to make a move for him. He's one sexy beast. Over and out.

Note to Self: never go for the professor types. I followed... erm... right, FrancEEEEEs (it IS spelt with a bloody E I'm telling you EEE!!!!), and he em... oH! BLOODY HOLD ON A SECO--

Note to Self: They're starving me. I don't know how long I can survive. The Boy found me... took my tape... listened to it. I'm under torture, they're trying to get out of me who Frances is... but I won't tell... I won't break... I'll hold on... I love you Frances...

Note to Self: Next time, don't let them break you. Frances was found out to be my dear professor snape, but they also got out of me that he was having a continued affair with professor dumbledore, and was so expelled... sorta. Um... can you expel a teacher? Well, you can sure as hell expel an OWL apparently...

Note to Self: Get a job.

Note to Self: Never take a job as a zoo worker... all the pigeons hit on you

Note to Self: Kill that dratted piece of unworthy filth - sorry, got a wee bit carried away... stupid spiked birdseed... what was I talking about?

Note to Self: Oh, yeah.... Kill that... erm... boy.... Found out he was bribing those pigeons just to get me to come back....I hate those stupid pidgeons...

Note to Self: But one of them was kinda hot...

Note to Self: Never fall for a pidgeon

Note to Self: Especially when that pidgeon WAS ONLY IN IT BECAUSE I KNEW THE GREAT HAIRY FODDER...

Note to Self: Never call that... boy 'Hairy Fodder' in the middle of a bar full of pigeons... I hate them so much...

Note to Self: Found a job... I'm working at a bakery. Decent pay, but I might have to fight for equal rights. Why could I never see the discrimination against owls before?

Note to Self: Okay, so nicking tarts from the bakery does NOT count as equal pay, apparently... stupid pigeons...

Note to Self: Never picket for owl rights in the middle of a bar full of pigeons

Note to Self: Pigeons are the bane of my existence

Note to Self: Look up 'Hitler' (whoever he is) and use said methods to eradicate the world of pigeons...

Not to Self: I hate pigeons... they are the tool of the devil...

Note to Self: heeheehee... in that last go, I said 'not to self' as in that it was not for MEEEE!!! WHEEEE!!

Note to Self: Don't add to note-to-self tapes when intoxicated

Note to Self: 1 part Mountain Dew mixed with five parts peach schnapps is not healthy for an owl... definitely not healthy

Note to Self: They really should have warning labels on bottles of schnapps... and on cans of Mountain Dew... I hate it so much...

Note to Self: You are an evil fiend, and most definitely a sexy beast! Why, you ask? Well, that's simple! For I have discovered a) how to read (and thus I can look up Hitler now) and b) that the aforementioned non-healthy beverage (which I have come to rather crave) is DETRIMENTAL TO PIGEONS!!! MUA!!

Note to Self: Ooook... so pigeons LIKE Mountain Dew...

Note to Self: Why can't those pigeons just DIE?

Note to Self: Went to the beauty parlor yesterday... there was a hot pigeon working there...

Note to Self: Don't give in, Hedwig... you said you wouldn't let them break you...

Note to Self: Damn pigeons...

Note to Self: If a pigeon ever comes onto you, they're probably broke. Damn Pigeons...

Note to Self: Next time you're on a date, don't offer them your wallet/purse

Note to Self: SLASH!! HEEHEEHEE... I definitely read too much into that...

Note to Self: Did I ever mention that Sauron is actually Paige's (the host from Trading Spaces) twin sister, and that Hildy (the evil designer from Trading Spaces) is their father? I happen to know the family quite well... I'm the third cousin on their mother's side...

Note to Self: PIPPIN!

Note to Self: Well, I've lived a long, full life. I think it's time to end it now. Good bye cruel world.

Note to Self: Never eat the gravy at Melvin's Food Emporium. It's brown and lumpy.

This tape was discovered in a pigeon's flat in New York City. While the pigeon claimed to know nothing of the tape, we suspect that the pigeon was Hedwig's secret lover, and that the owl cut off her wings and jumped from that very apartment. Her smashed body was found below, splattered on the street and covered in gravy. We name it a suicide, and no charges will be pressed. Case Closed.

This tape will self-destruct in five... four... three... two...

KABOOMIE!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH