(if you don't) Trust Me I'll Fall

(if you don't) Trust Me I'll Fall

~*~*~

Sirius had been pacing the length of the sitting room for the better part of the evening. Remus had said he'd be away for a couple of days. Mission for Dumbledore. Sorry, can't give you any more details, it's secret. Always the same. Sirius had been listening to the Quidditch on the wireless at the time. He had nodded and grumbled a reply, not even turning around to properly say goodbye. This was how things were now: Remus would leave for a few days; when he came back, he was exhausted and slept. They never talked about the missions - they were secret after all. So secret that not even your best friend, your lover, was supposed to know. Yes, Sirius was cross with Remus for not telling him more. He ignored him a lot these days. They were drifting apart, but neither of them seemed capable to change that, perhaps not even willing to do so.

Where in Merlin's name was he? Remus had been gone for three days now. No word, nothing. What was taking him so long? Why didn't he ... why didn't anyone feel they should let Sirius know what was going on? Sirius was annoyed and starting to get angry.

A couple of days later - though Sirius would never admit it out loud - he was no longer annoyed and angry; he was worried, very worried. He had gone around to James and Lily's earlier that day, just to make sure that they didn't know something they somehow forgot to pass on. They didn't know any more than Sirius himself and tried to reassure him that things were fine: Remus had been sent on a mission ... he'd be okay ... it was just taking a bit longer than expected ... Their words didn't help one bit, for Sirius could see that Lily was worried herself and James seemed more preoccupied than usual, not quite looking Sirius straight in the eye.

Sirius had returned home, feeling lost and very lonely. It was worse than it had been back when he'd been sixteen and about to break with his family for good. At least he had had Remus and James and Peter at the time.

Why didn't Remus tell him where he went? What if something happened and no one knew where he'd gone? Didn't Sirius deserve to know? It wasn't like he was some random stranger who'd go blabbing Order plans to the next random stranger. He was Sirius Black, Remus Lupin's lover; that had to count for something!

And then the anger was back in full force. Who did Remus think he was for making him nearly insane with worry, for making him sit here and wait? No one made Sirius Black wait like that!

Maybe something was up. Maybe there were no Order missions. Maybe they weren't as long as Remus made him believe. Where did he disappear to for a whole week, for Merlin's sake?

Sirius paced, argued with himself, worried, and yelled at Remus in his mind. There was no way he was going to sleep tonight, or the nights after if Remus didn't turn up. In fact, he hadn't slept all that well for the last couple of days. Sirius was upset, tired and exhausted. And that wasn't good news, not for himself, nor for the bastard who had decided to finally come home!

The Floo had flared to life. Sirius turned around so quickly that his neck cracked. "About time, you stupid -"

The rest of the sentence died on his lips. Something wasn't right, something other than the damp wood he shouldn't have put on the hearth. He squinted through the smoke. It was Fabian who stumbled out of the fireplace, carrying a bundle of rags. What in Merlin's name was going on?

"Quick! I got him out just in time. Dittany-- I need dittany and Dreamless Sleep Potion and clean bandages!"

Sirius stood there, rooted to the spot. He just stared at the bundle. "Remus?" he whispered.

"Of course it's Remus. Where do you keep your emergency kit, Sirius?" Fabian urged.

Sirius only continued to stare, taking a tentative step towards Fabian.

"Oh, for fuck's sake! Here, you look after him, I'll get the kit." Fabian carefully lowered Remus to the floor, then stuck out his wand wildly, shouting, "Accio dittany! Accio bandages!"

Sirius sat down on the floor, helpless, not quite believing this was really happening. He had expected Remus to show up eventually, had been planning on yelling at him for a bit for making him worry, and then everything would have been all right again. But not this!

"Is he ... What happened?" he asked.

"Don't know exactly. All I know is that he's hurt, though not as bad as Gideon, Caradoc, Marlene and Edgar. That's why I brought him here, can't take him to St Mungo's and Poppy is already dealing with the others. Took a bit longer to find Remus." Fabian sat down on the other side of Remus and carefully eased open his robes, the emergency kit ready by his side.

"So much blood ..."

"He'll live. We'll need to keep a close watch on him tonight, but most of the injuries seem to be superficial," Fabian answered matter-of-factly. "It looks a lot worse than it is. Don't worry, we'll fix him up all right." He reached over and squeezed Sirius's shoulder in a comforting gesture. "You knew the Order wasn't a fun club when you joined. Things like this are bound to happen. Count yourself lucky that he came back. This time." Fabian had never been one to sugar coat matters.

It was then that Fabian's earlier words began to sink in. "Gideon!" Sirius exclaimed. "You shouldn't be here, you should be with him."

"I know. Let's get Remus sorted, then I'll leave you to watch him and go check on the rest of the crew, see how Gideon's doing."

Sirius nodded. He stroked Remus's curls back from his forehead, tenderly touching the clammy skin as Fabian set to work on the cuts and slashes on Remus's torso.

Remus's breathing was shallow and irregular, and he was paler than Sirius had ever seen him. "I'm sorry," he whispered, not caring that Fabian was still there tending to Remus's wounds. "I'm sorry I ever thought those things." Sirius's fingers travelled lightly over Remus's cheek. "Please wake up, Remus! Please be all right," he pleaded.

The war had just become real for him. This wasn't about people going away on secret missions, wasn't about petty annoyances because your boyfriend failed to come home when you wanted him to. No, it was about secret missions all right, but dangerous ones. What had Remus been up to that he'd ended up in shreds on their carpet? How could Dumbledore send him off by himself when he knew it was so dangerous?

Sirius hadn't realised that tears were trailing down his cheeks, until he felt Fabian's hand on his shoulder once again. "He'll be all right, cousin. See, he's all wrapped up now. Just let him rest and make sure you Floo Poppy if things get worse. I'm surprised this didn't happen earlier; werewolves don't usually take kindly to intruders, even if they are of their own kind."

Sirius wiped his nose on his sleeve and looked up at Fabian. "Werewolves? So that's where he's been?"

"He didn't tell you? Well, um ... just make sure you take good care of him. He's invaluable to the Order."

Invaluable to the Order? How dare he? Remus wasn't some sort of pawn in this stupid, sick game! Sirius brushed Fabian's hand off his shoulder and glared at him. Taking the hint, Fabian got up and moved towards the fireplace. "I'll come back tomorrow to see how he's doing. Need to check up on Gideon now. Don't forget to firecall Poppy if things get worse, okay, cousin?"

"Okay," Sirius grumbled. He didn't look up as he waited for Fabian to leave.

"Moony?" But Remus just lay there, wrapped up like a mummy. Some of the wounds hadn't stopped bleeding yet and were staining the bandages, but his breathing had eased a bit and he had regained some of his colour. Sirius had never felt so helpless. He sat on the floor all night, holding Remus's hand, praying to all deities he could think of that Remus would be all right. He kept a close watch on his boyfriend and never once moved from his spot, not caring that his feet went numb after a while and never thinking of levitating Remus to the bedroom.

Remus still hadn't woken by the time Fabian came back the next morning and found the pair of them exactly where he had left them. "Have you been sitting here all night?" he questioned in disbelief. Sirius merely looked up miserably. "How is he doing? Has he come to yet?"

"No," Sirius sighed.

"Hey, don't worry, the potions I gave him should be wearing off soon. It's probably better that he slept through the worst of it."

~*~*~

"Ouch, that fucking hurt!" Remus exclaimed as Sirius carefully eased the bandages off his chest.

"Well, I dare say that the initial injuries hurt quite a bit more, you wuss! I'm only trying to help here. Hold still!" Sirius wasn't quite sure how to behave around Remus. He was still waiting for an explanation, but for now he was glad that Remus was getting better, and so he settled for their usual banter.

Remus winced as Sirius slowly unrolled the bandages, then gasped when he saw the ugly pattern of cuts and bruises. "Fuck ..."

"Precisely my thoughts when Fabian brought you in. Rather unexpected, too. What happened, Remus?" Sirius looked at him in concern as his hand came to rest on Remus's exploring his newly acquired scars.

"I -" Remus started, then his voice faltered. He cleared his throat. "You know it was a secret mission. I can't tell you, Sirius. I'm sorry."

"And here I was thinking that having my boyfriend turn up at home in shreds would warrant an explanation!" Sirius glared at him.

"Pads, please, trust me on this. It was a stupid accident, it wasn't supposed to get that bad." His words and voice were as evasive as his eyes, fixed on a point somewhere to Sirius's left.

"Trust you? Don't you think you're asking a bit much here? You're constantly gone for days, weeks even. I don't know where you are or what you're doing. You could be cheating on me, or you could risk your neck, and I wouldn't even know about it. I need a bit more than a simple 'Trust me'!" Finally, Sirius said what had been on his mind for weeks. He had tried to be supportive, he had tried to be understanding. Why was everything so complicated? Why did Remus have to be so difficult about the whole thing? In his frustration, Sirius pulled hard on the bandage, making Remus cry out as the newly healed skin ripped open again.

"Sirius! Damn! Try to not take out your anger on my injuries, thank you very much!" He snatched the bandage out of Sirius's hand and tried to stop the bleeding. "Look, I'm sorry. I know the situation is far from ideal, but I don't have a choice. I have to go on those missions, and I can't talk about them. Okay?"

Remus was now looking at Sirius, his eyes pleading. All right, so he had promised not to say anything to anyone. How very good of him to stick to that! But why didn't he understand that there were things more important than a stupid promise to Dumbledore? Why didn't he see that he was ruining everything?

"No, Remus, it's not okay." Sirius's voice was calm, but his hands betrayed him; they shook when he set the salve down on the dresser. Remus continued to look at him, frowning slightly.

"You stupid bastard!" Sirius yelled, and stormed out of the bedroom. He Apparated to James and Lily's, knocking over the coffee table when he appeared slightly off the mark. Lily shrieked, but caught herself immediately when she saw it was Sirius, a very bad-tempered Sirius, too.

"What happened, Padfoot?" she asked carefully, as Sirius stood there trembling with rage, hands balled into fists at his sides.

"Remus!" he spat.

~*~*~

When he returned, the flat was dark and quiet. How could Remus just go to sleep while he, Sirius, got so worked up about the whole thing? Well, he would wake him up and they would talk; it was time, if it wasn't too late already. Things couldn't continue like this, with all of them starting to mistrust each other. This was not how things were supposed to be between friends, and certainly not between lovers.

Sirius opened the bedroom door, only to find the room cold and empty, the bed untouched. A quick look around the flat confirmed his suspicion: Remus was gone. Gone! Trust me, he'd said. And what did he do? Leave at the first opportunity! Sirius searched the flat again, just to make sure. How could he do this? It was then that Sirius saw the piece of parchment on the bed.

I'm sorry, love, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am that I'll be gone when you come back. D. called while you were gone, I have to leave. Please be safe; I'll be back soon. I love you!

Trust me, Sirius! It means everything to me.

PS. I expect to be back home on Wednesday. If I am not, please contact D.

Remus's note was hastily scribbled. Remus never called him 'love'. Well, he had once, but that had been after a particularly rough moon. Sirius had thought at the time that Remus was still delirious. Maybe he hadn't been ... And they never said or wrote 'I love you', only when - Sirius dropped down on the couch and buried his face in his hands. Gods, he was such an idiot! How could he have left him alone? Shit ... What if something happened this time, something really bad? What if Remus didn't come back?

Remus had to come back, he just had to! Sirius still wasn't sure he could trust Remus, but he knew that he would have to try, for his sake, and for Remus's sake. For their sake.