Monkeying About With Ron and Harry

Monkeying About with Ron and Harry

It was Christmas morning and there was no Christmas tree. They had forgotten to get the Christmas tree. They had also forgotten to hang up the stockings, and buy each other presents. It was all Harry's fault. Deep down inside her, Hermine couldn't figure out why she had sat back passively while Harry had continued to say, "We still have lots of time, Hermione. Lots of time," but she had. And now he had ruined Christmas for her. Their children were staring shocked at the empty space in the living room. Her heart was beating rapidly, she wanted to cry.

"Hermione, are you all right?" came a voice in the dark beside her.

She was in bed, it was still Christmas Eve, and she and Harry had remembered to get ready for Christmas.

"Yes, I'm all right," she said, trying to regain her calm. "It's that Christmas nightmare again."

Harry sighed. "You're much too stressed, Hermione. Let me and Ron take care of everything today."

"But you won't know what to do," said Hermione.

"Yes, we do. I cooked for the Dursleys for years, and Ron..." Harry stopped, wondering if Ron did know how to cook. "Ron will take care of the other things. You take the kids skating."

Against, her better judgement Hermione agreed.

After the presents had been opened, and Hermione was out of the house, Ron and Harry descended on the kitchen.

"Do you know anything about cooking?" asked Harry seriously.

"A little bit," said Ron, pouring them each a class of whiskey. "You take care of the turkey, I'll do the mashed potatoes. I know all about peeling potatoes. My childhood was one never-ending affair of peeling potatoes. Anyway, doesn't matter if we mess up. Mum's bringing over everything anyway."

"I wish she wouldn't do that," said Harry. "Hermione feels it's an insult."

"Hermione's a little too sensitive," said Ron gulping down the whiskey. "Any Weasley gathering can do with two turkeys."

"Three. Penelope's bringing one as well," said Harry. "Didn't you listen to Percy?"

"Now, why would I do that?" said Ron, eyeing the whiskey bottle, but sadly deciding that getting tipsy while preparing Christmas dinner was not a good idea. "The more turkeys the merrier, right?"

"Right!" said Harry cheerily. "All we need to do is convince Hermione it's not a mortal insult to her household management."

"Leave that to me," said Ron. "Right-o, where are the potatoes?"

Surprisingly, neither of them messed up that afternoon. When two men prepare Christmas dinner, something is always supposed to go wrong, but everything went right for Ron and Harry.

"Too peaceful," said Harry shaking his head. "This place doesn't know what's going to hit it."

"Reckon Fred and George will make Percy blow up at them this year?" asked Ron.

"It's a Christmas tradition," said Harry, smiling broadly. "And they'll wreak general havoc as well."

"They will that," said Ron darkly, remembering the year before, when he had found a spider in his Christmas pudding. "They're not half as bloody funny as they think they are sometimes, Harry." Inspiration seemed to hit him. "I'm getting a bit of my own back at them this year. Mind joining me?"

"No," said Harry. "I'm right with you. Considering what this house is going to look like once they're done with it, I'll take a bit of revenge in advance."

They didn't have Hermione there to warn them against the dangers of taking revenge.

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"The mincemeat pie's very nice," said Penelope Weasley appreciatively. "Your recipe, Hermione?"

"I wouldn't know," said Hermione. "Ron and Harry produced those from somewhere."

"We used an old recipe we found in one of Hermione's cook books," said Harry.

"From the Orient," said Ron.

"Oriental Mince Meat?" asked Hermione.

"Special recipe," said Ron, waving away her puzzlement.

"Well, it's very good," said Penelope. "Can I have the recipe, Harry?"

"Of course," said Harry, not meeting her eye. He and Ron were fixated on Fred and George. There were only two pieces of pie left, and Fred and George were the mincemeat pie lovers in the Weasley family. "Last pieces for you two?" asked Charlie.

"Wouldn't mind that at all," said Fred, taking a piece. George took the other.

"A very interesting recipe," began Harry.

"A delicacy," said Ron.

"Every flavour so sweet and succulent," continued Harry.

"Melt in your mouth richness," added Ron.

Hermione kicked Harry under the table and glared at Ron.

"A recipe by the famous enchantress of the Orient, Quintrisha the Gutter Minded," said Harry.

"Ah, it brings out the taste of the monkey so well," said Ron.

They had been expecting Fred and George to gag on their food, and that did happen. They had not expected Penelope to vomit all over her plate, to have Percy blow up at them this year instead of Fred and George, to have Harry and Percy's children wailing, "What did you do to the monkey?" while Hermione and Molly told them off for the practical joke in screeching voices, and Fred and George quietly snickered.

"YOU AND RON, GET OUT TO THAT KITCHEN NOW!" shouted Hermione, marching them before her.

"Hermione, it was just a joke," protested Harry. "We didn't know Penelope was that sensitive."

"You two don't understand people at all," said Hermione. "Now, get the turkey out here and apologize to Penelope, and reassure the children you didn't butcher their friend the monkey. "

"Hermione! You're laughing!" said Harry.

"No, I'm not," said Hermione, shaking with laughter. "That was too wrong of you."

"Looks like laughter to me," said Ron.

"Which one of you..." began Hermione.

"Ron," said Harry quickly.

"Sells himself short," said Ron. "I was going to say "horsemeat." Harry has a more vivid imagination."

"Harry, you've always pretended you're the good little boy, and Ron's the troublemaker," said Hermione. "But that's simply not true. You have an evil streak as wide as anything."

Harry looked at her with what he hoped came across as a mischievous smile. "I did come within an inch of being sorted into Slytherin," he said.

"Did you?" asked Ron. "Cool."

"You think that's cool? You've changed," said Harry to Ron.

"Haven't we all?" said Ron.

"Not very much," said Hermione, and kissed Harry on the lips. Then, eyes sparkling, she kissed Ron.

Suddenly, she shrieked, "The turkey's burning!"

"Hermione, calm down," said Harry and Ron together. She glared at them. "At least Penelope's turkey won't have monkey brains in the stuffing," she said and marched out of the room, leaving Ron and Harry to deal with the disaster of their bird.

"Reckon, you put the oven on too hot," said Ron.

"I suppose so," said Harry.

"Don't you love Hermione?" said Ron.

"You have to," said Harry fervently.

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Next year under the Christmas Tree was a stuffed monkey with the tag, "To Harry from Hermione. Not edible."

"I do hope you aren't serving monkey this year," said Percy as they sat down to dinner.

"Want to bet?" asked Ron as Harry brought in the garnished stuffed monkey on a platter.