Waltz For The Moon

Waltz for the Moon

Part IV: Waning

***

Professor McGonagall stared at Sirius for a long time before she spoke.

"The Headmaster wishes to see you now, Mr. Black," she said finally.

Sirius nodded wordlessly and slowly, very slowly, swung his legs from the bench to the ground. Pain lanced through his feet as they hit the stone floor, and he nearly fell. McGonagall made as if to catch his arm, but visibly restrained herself. Sirius was grateful. He didn't want to be touched.

"Come along, then," McGonagall said crisply, turning to the staircase. Sirius hobbled after her, each step shooting pins and needles through his legs. His feet hurt abominably, his neck was stiff, and the oddly liberating icy fury he remembered from last night seemed to have shifted from his brain to his extremities. He felt utterly drained, and too cold even to shiver.

//So cold, but not like last night... oh, Remus, what did I do?//

***

Hogwarts was waking up, and bleary-eyed students were beginning to straggle out of their dormitories and into the corridors. Sirius trained his eyes on McGonagall's ramrod-straight back to avoid the curious glances. An odd sense of distance- almost as if he were looking out at the world through a sheet of ice- was all that remained of his towering rage, and he had the strangest feeling that if someone were to touch him, he would shatter like glass.

McGonagall finally paused in front of a statue of a gargoyle, turning to give him another searching look. Sirius returned her gaze blankly, too exhausted to avert his eyes again. Her mouth tightened in- anger? frustration?- and the hand clutching her wand was white-knuckled.

"You foolish, foolish boy," she whispered, boring into his eyes. "Do you have any idea what you did? Did you even once consider the consequences?"

Sirius froze, trapped between a cold stone wall and McGonagall's tightly-reined fury. Pieces of it were there- Remus's low, caramel laughter, Snape's fierce black eyes, Peter's terror- but only brief flashes, nothing substantial. Nothing to grab hold of. Only images, and laughter, and the feeling of ice-water running through his veins.

And then, the gargoyle slid aside and James Potter and Madame Pomfrey came out into the corridor.

//James.//

James, pale and drawn with deep shadows underneath his eyes. Scratched and bruised and looking as if he had aged a decade in the passing of a night, but alive and whole still.

//Why shouldn't he be alive?//

Alive and whole, and looking at him with a kind of exasperated anger.

//Because he went after Snape.//

Looking at him with exasperated anger, but also the barest hint of a smug smile, because James the Perfect Prefect, James the Quidditch Captain had somehow managed to save the day again, and he _knew_ how much Sirius hated that.

//The Shrieking Shack. I sent Snape to the Shrieking Shack, and James went to stop him.//

"James," he whispered, and stopped, surprised by the harshness of his voice.

//I sent Snape to Remus during a full moon, and James followed to save him. Save them.//

Sirius took one step forward, and another, and before he could think about it anymore, grabbed James in a rough embrace. The other boy hesitated a second and then, because he was James who saved Slytherins from horrid fates at the risk of his own life, James who couldn't hold a bloody grudge to save his skin, brought his arms up to return the embrace- and something in Sirius shattered.

//Could have been killed, and it would have been my fault. Best friend, oldest friend, shouldn't have let you get involved in this.//

Very quietly, just for his ears, James murmured: "Don't pretend that you're happy to see me, Black. I know you were already planning your triumphant season as Quidditch Captain."

Sirius realized that he was dangerously near tears. //Damn you, James. Can't laugh this one away, not really.// "Not me," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. "Milo Soren and Trina Pike both have seniority."

"You'd figure something out," James said wryly. Then: "Be careful. Snape's up there right now, and he's practically foaming at the mouth. Dumbledore isn't happy, but I think he's still willing to listen. I did what I could. Don't do anything stupid."

//Too late for that.// He nodded, and let his arms fall to his sides. Madame Pomfrey promptly hustled James away toward the hospital wing, leaving only a low but constant stream of imprecations on heartless Headmasters and careless students behind them. McGonagall was looking at Sirius again- for all he knew, she had never stopped- but at least she was no longer gripping her wand quite so tightly.

"Ice Mice," she said briskly and, once again, the gargoyle slid aside to reveal the tunnel up to Dumbledore's office.

***

"Well, Mr. Black. Is there anything you would like to add to Mr. Snape's account?"

Sirius stared resolutely at the floor. Dumbledore's tone was gentle enough, but Sirius harbored no illusions about the Headmaster's ability to dispense justice. It was not, after all, his first time in Dumbledore's office. "It's true that I told him how to get into the Shrieking Shack, but James and Remus had nothing to do with it."

"Stop trying to protect your friends," Snape said, his voice almost a hiss. "You'd never have dared to do this on your own."

That was patently both untrue and unfair, but Dumbledore spoke before Sirius was able to gather his thoughts. "Mr. Snape, I have spoken with both Mr. Potter and, briefly, Mr. Lupin, and I am convinced that neither of them had any hand in plotting this event. Mr. Lupin, certainly, had nothing to gain by this incident and everything to lose."

"Remus Lupin," Snape said softly, "is a danger to the wizarding world, and should be put down like the menace he is."

"Remus Lupin," Sirius mimicked, unable to stop himself, "is a scholar and a gentleman- or so I have it on the highest authority."

For a dizzying moment, Sirius thought that Snape was actually going curse him in front of Dumbledore. It was a near thing- Snape's hand came very near to his wand- but the Slytherin mastered himself with an effort, and Sirius relaxed fractionally.

"I shall pretend that I did not hear that last exchange, gentlemen," Dumbledore said mildly, gazing at them over the rims of his half-moon glasses. "Mr. Lupin is not the topic under discussion right now. Mr. Black, did you plan this incident out ahead of time, or was it done on the spur of the moment?"

//In other words, was it supposed to be a premeditated murder or just a lucky break?// Sirius shook his head to rid himself of the mocking voice in the back of his mind. It sounded too much like Snape for his own comfort. "It was not premeditated, sir. It... just happened."

The Slytherin was surprisingly still, perhaps because of the warning glance the Headmaster cast his way. Dumbledore steepled his fingers on his desk, and returned his attention to Sirius. "The important question, then, is why. Why did you direct Mr. Snape to the Shrieking Shack when you knew that he would there encounter a fully-grown, enraged werewolf?"

Sirius swallowed with some difficulty. "I was angry. Very angry. Very cold. And... jealous. I think that I felt that Snape didn't- didn't deserve Remus, not when he didn't even know that he was a werewolf. And- I think I wanted to show Remus that Snape wasn't to be trusted." //And I was right, too.//

Dumbledore's gaze was steady, and his eyes were surprisingly gentle, if rather sad. "Mr. Black, did you understand the possible consequences of your actions when you told Mr. Snape how to find Mr. Lupin?"

Sirius forced himself to maintain eye contact with Dumbledore. //This is it...// "I don't think so, sir. Not then. Everything is still a little foggy. I really wasn't thinking much of anything- just that if Snape wanted Remus so much, he should know what he was getting."

"Don't be absurd," Snape hissed, unable to restrain himself. "I have absolutely no feelings for that- that monster. He was my research partner, nothing more."

"I didn't notice that you brought your paper along with you to the Shrieking Shack," Sirius responded, goaded.

The Slytherin sneered at him. "You just said that the incident was 'foggy' in your mind. If that's not just a convenient excuse, not even you could expect us to take your word on that."

"Where's the paper, then?" Sirius shot back. "Did you drop it along the way?"

Snape flushed. "It was lost when I was escaping from the werewolf."

"Are you so certain of that, Mr. Snape?" Dumbledore asked. "By necessity, I keep a close watch on Mr. Lupin, and your recent behavior has been, let us say, remarkable. Are you very sure that your paper is scattered about the Hogwarts grounds and not safe in your dormitory?"

Snape was silent, and the look in his eyes was almost one of- betrayal?

The Headmaster nodded. "Mr. Black and I still have a few things to discuss, but I suggest that you see Madame Pomfrey in the hospital wing. She is likely to turn up of her own accord- again- if you don't appear there presently."

Snape didn't move. "You're going to let him off," he predicted bitterly. "Black set me up to be murdered, and you're going to let him off with a slap on the wrist."

Dumbledore's gaze hardened. "That is a matter that Mr. Black and I have yet to discuss- and I must remind you that your own conduct is not above reproach. I have chosen to let your Head of House deal with the matter of your being out-of-bounds, but you can expect to serve detention at the very least."

"I see," Snape said, his voice dropping to a near-whisper. "I get detention for being out-of-bounds, and Black gets a reprimand for attempted murder. How many points will Black lose for Gryffindor- 10? 20? Is that the worth of a Slytherin's life these days? There are others who would place a higher premium on a wizard's life." Snape paused for breath, but Dumbledore did not speak. "What are you going to do with the werewolf? Does he get detention, too?"

"Mr. Lupin's only crime was being abroad during a full moon a decade ago, and for that he has been punished more completely than any of us may know. He is as much a victim here as you are."

"A victim? He could have killed me, or anyone else who got within reach. He is a danger to this school, and should be expelled." Snape lifted his chin, his eyes glittering oddly. "I will bring the situation to the attention of the board of governors and the media if I must."

Sirius caught his breath, his fists clenching in fury at the utter injustice of it. Remus in danger of expulsion, and Snape threatening- threatening!- Dumbledore... //Damn you, Snape. Damn you for ever being born in the first place.//

Dumbledore, however, didn't seem at all distressed, only saddened. After a moment: "I cannot allow you to do that, Severus. You would only trigger a new wave of hatred against werewolves and other part-humans, and I can't allow you to ruin countless lives to salve your pride and your heart. You have a choice between giving me your word that you will not discuss last night's events with anyone besides myself, or having a Memory Charm placed on you. It is your choice, but you will not leave this office until I am satisfied of your continued silence."

Snape scowled and was silent for a long time. "You have my word, then," he said finally. He stood. "I will not speak of these matters to anyone, but I believe that your judgment is flawed in this case, and perhaps in others, as well."

Dumbledore inclined his head gravely. "I am sorry, Severus. More sorry than you know."

Snape nodded in return, and walked to the door. As he passed Sirius, he hesitated a second.

"The werewolf is a monster and should be put down, but you are a criminal, Black, and you deserve to rot in Azkaban," he murmured. "They'll take you there one day, and throw you to the dementors, and when they do, I'll come and watch. I'll watch, and I'll laugh, because I'll know that you're finally where you belong."

"Go to hell, Snape," Sirius responded, but his voice wasn't quite as steady as he wanted it to be. If Snape noticed, he gave no sign; he closed the door quietly, and the room seemed larger and more echoing in his absence.

"Well, Mr. Black," Dumbledore said finally. "What shall I do with you?"

"I don't know, sir," Sirius admitted. "You're not going to expel me, are you? Not if you want to keep it a secret."

Dumbledore smiled slightly. "I could, but I don't think that it will be necessary. I think your place in Hogwarts is safe for the time being. I will let Professor McGonagall handle most of the details of your punishment "

Sirius couldn't stop the relief from showing in his face, and didn't even try. //Safe... and Remus safe, too. I can deal with anything else, so long as he doesn't expel me. All McGonagall can do is give detention and take away points.//

"However," Dumbledore continued, giving Sirius a very pointed look, "as you did commit an extremely serious offense, I must insist that you resign from the Quidditch team."

//Anything but _that_.// "But we're playing Slytherin this weekend!" Sirius cried, horrified. "We don't have a reserve Beater, and we need this game for the Cup!"

"I'm well aware of the circumstances, Mr. Black," the Headmaster said.

Sirius leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. //Can't believe it... kicked off the team.// Aloud, he said: "James is going to _kill_ me."

Surprisingly, Dumbledore chuckled. "Mr. Potter may be upset, but I'm certain he will get over his disappointment eventually."

"You don't know James and Quidditch," Sirius said glumly.

"Perhaps," Dumbledore conceded. "However, I am more concerned with your state of mind than with the Quidditch standings right now."

//Oh, no... now he thinks I'm crazy.// "I'm fine now, sir," Sirius said cautiously. //What if I am crazy?//

The Headmaster nodded. "If you start to feel at all like you did last night, you are to contact either Professor McGonagall, Madame Pomfrey, or myself immediately. If they recur, it might be wise to contact a specialist."

Sirius swallowed. "You don't think I'm crazy, do you, Professor?"

"No, Sirius. I don't think that you're crazy, but I do know that you've been under a great deal of stress, and Mr. Snape is not the only person I've noticed acting oddly around Mr. Lupin lately." Sirius felt his ears go red, and Dumbledore smiled. "I suggest that you speak with him soon. I also recommend that you return to your dormitory, and get some rest. Professor McGonagall is waiting downstairs to escort you- she no doubt has matters of her own to discuss with you."

"All right, Professor," Sirius said, rising. "And- thank you."

***

Sirius rested his arms on the windowsill and gazed out into the early morning sunshine. Far below, students trudged out to the greenhouses, and Hagrid stumped toward the Forbidden Forest, two enormous wolfhounds at his heels. There was a faint breeze, and the air was cool and crisp. It looked like a perfect day for flying. For Quidditch.

//James is going to _kill_ me.//

No Quidditch... no free time in which to miss it, either. Not after McGonagall gave him detention for the rest of the year, and took fifty points from Gryffindor for good measure.

//They're _all_ going to kill me.//

It could be worse, he supposed. He could have been expelled. Or sent to Azkaban. James might have been killed. Instead, he was only going to be the most hated student in Gryffindor, and a possible candidate for St. Mungo's. He scowled, resigned to his fate. All in all, things could be-

"I always knew this would happen someday."

He froze.

"I always knew. All werewolves are born to betrayal, and I knew my lot would be no different. But- oh, Sirius- I never thought that it would be you."

Very slowly, Sirius turned. Turned and saw Remus for the first time.

He burned. Gaunt and exhausted, his face lined and shadowed by pain, Remus Lupin leant on the doorframe for support, and _burned_.

"Re, I-"

Almost casually, Remus lifted his head and captured Sirius's gaze with his own. Golden eyes reached deep into his soul and stole away his words and his heart.

"Do not call me that. I don't think I ever want to hear you use that name again."

Sirius flinched, utterly astonished by the growing ache inside of him that left him breathless. Remus regarded him steadily, searchingly.

"Do you have any idea how grateful I was?" Remus said suddenly, his voice dropping nearly to a whisper. "How pathetically, pitifully grateful I was that a monster like me could ever have friends? Friends who didn't turn from me in disgust when they learned what I was. Friends who set themselves the task of learning how accompany me in my transformation, so that I wouldn't have to suffer alone. Such wonderful friends... can you even understand what it means to me, Sirius, you who have been beloved all your life? I would have died for you, all of you." He smiled then, the same crooked grin Sirius had known for years, but with a bitter, bitter edge. "I still would."

Sirius would have spoken, but Remus advanced on him with a predator's slow, stalking grace and held him silent with amber eyes that never wavered. A thrill of fear shivered along his spine. //Is this what Snape felt last night in the tunnel? Is this why James seems to have aged ten years in a night?//

"I trusted you, Sirius. I trusted you with my secrets, and my curse. I trusted you to- to protect me. Protect me from myself. From what I might do. Instead, you would have made me a murderer, and something worse than a murderer."

The low, rich voice was harsher now, and Sirius's nails dug bleeding crescents into his palms as Remus drew closer.

"I could forgive you, perhaps, if I could forgive myself. If I didn't want it. I did, Sirius. I still do. As the moon waxes, I dream of the hunt and the chase, and I glory in the blood I spill there. I hate it, but I need it. It's part of who I am. What I am."

Remus was very near now, and his eyes were fever-bright in the gentle morning light. Under the full moon, they would have been the color of honey, and his fur would have gleamed forbidden silver. //But he never sees the full moon. Only in dreams. Oh, Re... it's not fair.//

"The others- James and Lily and Peter- they see me as I am, I think. Everyone else sees only what I let them, Dumbledore's tame werewolf. But you- you saw me as I wanted to be. You made me become that person, if only fleetingly. Perhaps this is my fault, for not telling you, for waiting-" He stopped for a second, and then, as if the words were being drawn out of him against his will: "Sirius, _why_? How could you do this to me? Were you that angry? That... jealous?"

//Yes. I was that angry, that jealous. I wanted to hurt Snape because he wanted you, and I wanted to hurt you for preferring him to me. My fault, because I realized too late.// But the golden eyes still held him silent, and actions had always come more easily to Sirius than words.

So he kissed Remus.

At least he tried.

His lips had barely brushed Remus's before Sirius found himself flung back against the cold stone wall, slim, strong hands bruisingly tight on his shoulders, and eyes the color of the hunter's moon boring into his soul.

"Oh, Sirius," the werewolf whispered. "Sirius, you fool." And kissed him.

Remus's mouth was hot and electric, and there was nothing tame in him as he pinned the other boy to the wall with hands and lips. Caught somewhere between shock and instinct, Sirius closed his eyes as Remus explored his mouth with lips and tongue. There was something fierce and almost frightening in the werewolf's intensity, and he tasted of almonds and musk, with a faint bitter tang that made Sirius think of iron, or blood.

With a pang of emotion that was almost grief, Sirius opened his eyes as Remus released him. Even during the kiss, he had felt the werewolf's heated gaze on him, studying his face and weighing his heart; now, he found that he could not meet Remus's eyes, full of pain and betrayal.

//Oh, Re.//

Remus left the room without a backward glance.

Sirius watched him walk away.

~fin~

***