A Truly Messed Up Tale

A Truly Messed Up Story

Please read as this explains a lot in the following story:

Once there was a deranged wizard called Harry Potter who had two things that would totally change the Muggle world: an imagination and a diary. And with his imagination and his diary he would come up with the most bizarre and ridiculous adventures, like the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, which was just a pebble he found down by the lake at Hogwarts which was extra shiny. And the basilisk was just a worm that he stepped on, the Triwizard Tournament was a round of bingo down at the old folks home, Ron and Hermione were just two sock puppets he made because he had no friends and the return of Voldemort, well, that was real except Voldemort was only being elected Minister of Magic or Almighty Ruler of the Whole World, as he liked to be called.

Harry never really liked Voldemort that much so whenever he wrote about him in his diary he always made him out to be some type of evil wizard who wanted Harry dead, which of course was only partly true. (He actually was quite evil.)

So one day, after Harry had left Hogwarts, he met a Muggle lady called J.K Rowling and he told her about his adventures (he was still deranged) and his diary. And she said she would like to write a book about them, but of course she wrote seventeen and they all became huge and she's still writing.

Anyways, back to Voldemort who was enjoying his time as Almighty Ruler of the Whole World, but when he found out about the Harry Potter books he ordered his assistant to read them and tell him what they were about. And when he found out he was portrayed as such a villain he did the worst thing he could have done to Harry Potter.......he gave him a CUBICLE JOB!!!! {Insert heart-wrenching music here.}

And now onto the real story:

"When will this nightmare bloody END!" Voldemort cried as he was informed that once again the Harry Potter movie had topped the charts and grossed over $100 million in three days. "I must stop Hollywood from creating these piles of crap or else the Muggle world might begin to think they're true, or even worse...good," he said to his assistant angrily as she brought in another pile of papers for him to sign. "Hum..what shall I do?"

As the assistant was leaving, she stopped, turned to her boss and said is her sickly sweet voice, "Maybe I can put forward an idea, sir? Maybe you should try and maybe inform the Muggles about the way it really is in the wizard world and then maybe, just maybe, they might maybe believe you and they maybe will stop going to the films and maybe stop buying the book. That's just maybe, sir, it might not work."

"WHAT!? Tell the Muggles it's all true, except a bit different! Are you CRAZY!? They'll try to kill us all, they'll TAKE OVER!"

"Yes..um...well..maybe," mumbled the assistant as she hurried from the office.

"AND STOP SAYING MAYBE!!" roared Voldemort after her.

Harry rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he walked to the bathroom to cover his hair in Ultra Ultra Ultra Ultra Ultra Ultra Strong Hair Gel, which was especially produced for him, because apparently nobody else had hair as messy as him. Breakfast usually consisted of some magically created toast but Harry was feeling like he'd treat himself so he spread some butter on it. After kissing both his blow-up doll and Chi Ching (Cho Chang's evil counterpart who was just desperate enough to stay with Harry) goodbye, he left for the Ministry which was where he worked.

Harry arrived at his cubicle late due to someone trying to bring the world's biggest piece of chewing gum down the phone box, which had proved highly unsuccessful. Just as he was sitting down, an old man with blue hair came hobbling over. "He-who-is-the-boss-and-makes-us-say-his-name-in-this-long-winded-form wants to see you..........NOOOOW!!!" he yelled to Harry.

"Huh? Now?"

"YESSS....now!"

Harry who sensed the urgency in the crazy man's voice realised that it probably was pretty urgent because people were looking over and nodding all in the same monotonous way.

"You wanted to see me?" asked Harry when he entered his boss' office.

"Oh yes, umm...sit down," Voldemort replied as he indicated to a uncomfortable looking chair in front of his desk. Harry obliged, and realised that actually was the most uncomfortable chair he ever had had the chance to sit on. "We've got a problem, and it needs to be solved as quickly as possible. The Harry Potter films have taken over and everyone seems to be believing them, which of course cannot happen. I haven't got many ideas but maybe we should just kill 'em all before they know what's hit 'em," Voldemort said in his most evil tone, which was pretty evil as of him being the most evil person for a very long time.

"Meh...how much will I get?" Harry asked.

"God! It's all about money with you!!"

"Yeah, well you've kept me on a no-perks, small salary, tiny pension lifestyle so what can I do! Okay, I'm game, let's kill them all, not that they do anything for me, apart from supply you with an everlasting supply of money."

"Oh, yeah I'm gonna miss that but I'll still be the Almighty Ruler of the Whole World...or Minister of Magic...whatever you want."

"So how we are we going to kill em'?"

Voldemort leaned down to his speaker phone and said in his most sinister voice, "Get me the Weapon."

"Emm...I think you need to press the button first," Harry suggested quietly.

The "Weapon" as it turned out was actually just a piece of wood with a scary face on it and though Harry wasn't convinced, Voldemort said that it could kill most normal Muggles in less than seven hits of the scary end.

"Em..okay, but we're not going to be able and just go along and whack six billion people over the head without someone noticing," Harry said as he and Voldemort were getting ready for their killing spree, "Why don't we just use a spell or something? I could get Hermione, and you know her, she can do any spell without any apparent practice at all!"

"Sorry to disappoint you, but Hermione is a sock puppet, Harry. But a spell might be a good idea. I say we use that spell which kills every Muggle in world....em...what was it again?!"

"Itsa Smallasmalliaworl Danwearallapart Ovet?" (Try saying it quickly; well, it works when you know what it is.)

"Yes! That's it! Let's go get them Muggles!" cried Voldemort as he rushed off to cast the spell/ "WE'VE GOT EM' NOW!!!"

Epilogue

After Voldemort cast the spell, all Muggles were wiped out and wizards took over the world for a very short time because something Voldemort had forgotten was that most wizards were half-Muggle, so there were a lot of angry half-deads who came after him and ate him and then they ate themselves and then the wizards that survived....em...caught the plague...and died!

So that's the real story of Harry Potter and the Great Muggle Kulling,and you can except to see the fake and lengthened version in stores soon for around $29999.99 - We know you'll buy it!

(Scholastic/Bloomsbury cannot accept responsibility for trucks/trailers/jumbo jets or other large vehicles broken in the bringing home of this book as it contains over 40,000 pages.)

The End