Over Time: First Friends

Owl messages sent over time:

"Malfoy:

The wedding was gorgeous, and the bride more so. You didn't look all that bad, either. The best man, however, was definitely the best. Hope you had as much fun during your honeymoon as I did. Putting my education to use, I remain,

Yours,

Ginny"

"Weasley:

My gorgeous bride, the French Riviera, and a five star hotel room. If there's ever a bedroom Olympics, Tabitha and I will be disqualified from competing for being too good. Watch out for Zabini, eh? He's a good guy, but tends to use women like tissues.

Exhausted,

The Slytherin Sex God"

"Malfoy:

Funny, Zabini didn't use me to wipe his nose at all! Seriously, though, I'm not really interested in strapping him to a white picket fence - he's a jerk. But a jerk with a smile that can melt thighs at thirty paces.

Going for the gold,

Ginny"

"Weasel:

Get your arse to the manor on Saturday. Try to look presentable. Tabitha's holding some huge dinner party thing and I need someone to play poker with when I sneak out. Bring Zabini, too, so there's someone around to fleece.

Five card stud, no wilds,

Draco"

"Ferret:

Zabini's a thing of the past - that's what happens when you don't write for months, you get behind on the news. In any case, I'll be happy to take your money. I might be late, though, since Harry and I have another plan cooked up to try to get the two numbskulls to admit they like each other, now that they're both single again. Honestly, I've never seen two people more suited for each other insist that they're nothing but friends.

Contemplating fratricide,

Ginny"

"Weasley:

Just strip their clothes off and lock them in a closet. I'm sure even that prat brother of yours can figure it out from there.

D"

"Malfoy:

Ha. Ha. Ha. As this would involve my taking off Ron and Hermione's clothes, I think I will opt out of that plan. At least until I can no longer avoid it. See you Saturday.

Excited about meeting Mrs. Malfoy,

Gin"

"Weasel:

Here's the money I owe you. Where did you learn to bluff like that?

Much poorer,

Draco"

"Malfoy:

You try playing poker against seven people who've known you all your life. If that doesn't build a hell of a poker face, I don't know what does.

Learning to stack the deck from Fred and George didn't hurt, though. Hah!

Griftily yours,

Ginny"

"Weasley:

Why, you cheating hussy. Enclosed is the same again, for impressing the hell out of me. I didn't know you had it in you.

Tabitha's on a tear about something. Why can't women think sensibly, or at least communicate meaningfully?

Misogynistically,

Draco"

"To the Great Bouncing Ferret:

Bite my freckled behind.

G

PS Meaningful enough for you?"

"Miss Virginia Weasley:

Please allow this unworthy soul to do a small amount of groveling at your delicate feet. I keep forgetting you're a member of that odd species known as the female gender. On the other hand, forget the groveling. It's your fault for being sensible and easy to talk to. Plus I'm sure groveling is against the Malfoy rules.

Decidedly not groveling,

Draco"

"Malfoy:

Got a letter from your spouse threatening to name me as the other woman. Considered calling St. Mungo's for the poor dear, but figured living with you would drive anyone insane. Let me know if there's anything I can do.

Ginny"

"Weasley:

Tabitha has some maggoty notion that writing to you is putting our marriage in trouble. Will not write for a while, as am being dragged to couples counseling. I tried to explain that if I'd wanted to fuck you I could have years ago, but this somehow did not go over well. At least the manor has extra bedrooms so I don't have to sleep on a couch.

Irritated beyond belief,

Malfoy"

"Malfoy:

In re: 'years ago': You wish.

In re: 'not writing': Focus on your marriage, pal. Enclosed is a letter for your other half. Seriously, if it's bothersome to your wife, you choose the woman you're going to spend your life with over some old friend from school. I'll always think of you fondly and consider you a friend.

Ginny"

"Dear Mrs. Malfoy:

I sincerely apologize for any heartache my friendship with your husband has caused you. I know that he can be an insensitive bastard, but I had no idea that our resuming an old school friendship disturbed you. Please, accept my apologies, and my assurance that I have no interest in interfering in your marriage. I wish you both all the best, and hope that with me out of the picture, you can make things work.

Sincerely,

Virginia Weasley"

"Dear Weasel:

Hey, remember how I was supposed to choose the woman I swore to be with forever over an old school friend? How about when it's my best friend of all time versus the woman fucking the pool boy in my bed? I think I would have been less offended if she hadn't invited me to join them. Luckily, there's a prenup and the stupid bitch video taped her antics with Giorgio the Gigolo. Women are awful. Except Weasleys, of course. Although, I don't know your mother that well. Hm.

Divorce-iffically yours,

Draco"

"Malfoy:

Will be over with liquor as soon as I've ditched my flavor of the month.

Gin

and tonic, and vodka, and whiskey..."

"Dear Alcohol Goddess:

What the fuck did you pour down my throat? I swear that hangover lasted three days. You left that muggle box thing with the little paddles. Have decided I like this "Zelda" thing, and so you're not getting it back. Ha! Serves you right for intoxicating an innocent man to the point of paralysis.

Draco"

"Stinking ferret scum:

Innocent, HAH! Will extract the cost of my Nintendo from your hide, or at least your Gringotts account. And if you think Zelda is good, wait until you see the Playstation. The smackdown is approaching, for I will bring car racing games, and it shall be good. Heck, if you arrange for the manor to be reachable, one of these days I'll bring my actual car. Not that you can drive.

Ginny

PS Would this be the appropriate time to discuss the generations of Malfoys spinning in their graves at the thought of muggle devices in the sacred mausoleum you call home?"

"Muggle loving Gryffindor:

So that's what's causing those earthquakes. Must remember to relocate the catacombs. You still have to explain what the connection is between this computer thing and getting pictures of hot women. All I see is a box with some glass in it. Earn your keep, wench!

Also, there's this reunion thing at Hogwarts. Hard to believe it's been almost ten years. Seeing as how you keep alleging to be of the species female, how about putting on a dress and trotting around with me?

The Once and Future King of Slytherin"