The Bachelor

Chapter 3: Lavender Brown

Draco Malfoy and his goons or minions or whatever you prefer walked into the great hall. Draco glanced around the room, scouting out matrimonial prospects, when something absolutely unacceptable and a bit terrifying happened. Parvati Patil arose from her seat at the Gryffindor House table and waved at Draco. He cringed. Didn't she realize that he was a big, bad, but dashingly handsome, Death Eater?

Parvati reached towards the girl formally seated next to her and grabbed the arm of her robes. The girl stood and looked at Draco while smacking Parvati's forearm and whispering frantically. Draco tried to turn the wheels of his brain as quickly as possible. "Isn't her name Purple or Grape or something? No, Lavender, Lavender Brown," he decided. "She'll work," he growled as she prettily flipped her hair to the side.

Draco and his goons or minions or whatever you prefer stood in anxious anticipation as a large group of Gryffindors exited the Great Hall. In their wake, Draco searched for the girl; "what was her name, Plum or Violet? No, Lavender, Lavender Brown." Lavender and Parvati materialized directly in front of Draco, much to his surprise.

Draco turned to Crabbe and pointed speechlessly. Crabbe grabbed Lavender with rapid trepidation only to experience the predication of Lavender's misinterpretation. In other words, she bonked him on the head.

Draco's heart leapt. Here was a struggler, someone who he could torture and who would try to bite him and plead with him. He started to imagine the things he would do, the ways he would harass her: he would say Death Eater over and over again; he would call her a wench until she cried; he would--

"Put me down you big oaf. I thought I was to marry Draco," Lavender screamed as she bonked Crabbe on the head several more times. Draco looked at Lavender curiously. "How did she know?" he wondered. Then, a small shining object around her neck caught his eye; it seemed to be a "lovely mid-evil cross." Draco knew instantly that Parvati must have told Periwinkle about Draco's need of a wife.

"Shit," Draco said, calmly. He looked at Lavender and said, "You are to marry me, Draco Malfoy, Death Eater, you over-eager wench. No, harlot...you over-eager harlot." He thought that perhaps the use of "wench" had been his downfall.

"Professor Trelawney will be so proud. I told her, over my tea leaves, that something extraordinary would happen on...what day is it?" she looked towards Draco.

Crabbe looked at the still struggling Lavender and put her down. He turned to Lavender and touched her hair. "You pretta," he groaned.

"Oh, for the love of the Dark Lord," Draco sighed. "She's mine Crabbe," Draco held his wand ominously close to Crabbe's ear. Crabbe threw Lavender back over his shoulder.

"Merlin, I saw that whole scene in a dream three nights ago. This is so amazing. Of course, in my dream, you were a large turnip and you were a carrot and you were fighting over a fork, but it was still very similar...not that I'm a fork. But then, I do have fork characteristics--" Lavender swung her harms from side to side over Crabbe's shoulders as she spoke. Crabbe smiled stupidly.

Draco was at the end of his rope. It was bad enough that Crabbe looked like a big pile of mush with such a disgustingly big smile on his face, but Lavender's divination rant was grating on his nerves. "Will you shut up, you stupid wench, no harlot, you stupid harlot?" Draco hit Lavender on the butt as he said it. She quietly squeaked, "Oh, my."

The smile on Crabbe's face disappeared, and he looked quite menacing again. They walked on in silence for a few moments. Draco was starting to believe he would be successful, Violet Brickhead, would be his wife, when he noticed something very strange: whispering. Upon slowing down to allow Crabbe and Lavender to catch up, the whispering got louder. He could hear Lavender's voice as she whispered into Crabbe's ear, "and then, you'll never believe it, I saw your face in the crystal ball. I didn't put it together; I mean, how could I? But, it is all so obvious now. I hope Draco let's us be friends. I think he will because Professor Trelawney said just the other day that I would make a very dear and close friend in the next week."

Draco could take no more. She thought that she could be a friend to Crabbe? And, Crabbe was just walking along smiling again and listening to her. Not to mention, the divination thing was driving him to St. Mungo's. He rounded on Crabbe, preemptively drawing his wand. "Put her down," he demanded. Crabbe's face turned from a very large smile to a disgruntled frown. "Do it Crabbe," he reiterated. This time, Crabbe obeyed. Draco looked intently at Lavender, "Get...the...Bloody...hell...out...of...here," he said each word in a loud violent tone. Lavender gawked at his very red face and responded, "Okay, okay." She leaned towards Crabbe's ear and whispered, "I'll owl you" and turned to go. Draco turned around and started on his way.

After about ten steps he noticed that his goon or minion or whatever you prefer was still staring at the slowly shrinking image of Lavender Brown.

"How can the girls in this school be so ridiculously stupid," Draco thought. "Now, that had nothing to do with me or being a Death Eater, " he tried to reassure himself. "I need to choose more wisely next time," he tried to rationalize. "How could she WANT to talk to Crabbe," he was starting to become angry. "I am far more attractive than Crabbe," he accidentally whispered aloud. Shocked that he would expose his thoughts, he rapidly followed with, "and She was terrified because I'm a Death Eater, that was it."

Having satisfied his ego, he returned to his mission. "A suitable wife must exist in this abominable school," he thought, in an obvious attempt to encourage himself. He remembered the previous attempt with Luna and admonished, "I remember, I told myself to pick someone smarter next time." He thought on this a moment and came to an odd realization: he realized that he liked to talk to himself quite a lot and that he needed to find a girl with brains.