Hail to the Chief

DECEMBER 15, 2007

CNN Situation Room, Washington, D.C.--5:37 p.m.

A stagehand approaches Wolf Blitzer, who is speaking with a production assistant during a commercial intermission.

Stage Hand: Mr. Blitzer, sir, I have an emergency report for you.

Blitzer, a hardened newscaster, appears nonplussed.

Mr. Blitzer: Yes, Tim?

Stage Hand: We've got breaking news coming out of London.

Mr. Blitzer: (sighs) All right, let's see it. Probably more war protests. God I wish Blair was still in office.

Stage Hand: No, sir. This concerns our politics.

Hands Mr. Blitzer a freshly printed news report. Blair reads the report, then looks up at the stagehand incredulously.

Mr. Blitzer: Are you serious?

Stage Hand: (nervously) Yes, sir, I'm afraid so. It came straight from our correspondence office in London.

Mr. Blitzer: (shaking head) This is preposterous, Tim. I can't deliver this! It's absolute nonsense!

Stage Hand: But sir!

Production Assistant: Wolf, we're back on in ten!

Mr. Blitzer: Go on, Tim, I don't have time for this now.

Stage Hand: But sir, what if NBC breaks it first? You know they'd have a field day with this!

Mr. Blitzer: (pauses, slightly perturbed) Fine, I'll humor you. I'll squeeze it in right before the update on Lindsay Lohan's rehab. But so help me if I get in trouble with management over this, I'll have your head, Tim.

Stage Hand: I'm just doing my job sir. Ask the Brits if you still don't believe me.

Giuliani National Campaign Headquarters, New York City--5:39 p.m.

Two campaign staff members are huddled in a cubicle, looking over election statistics.

Mr. Smith: Uh, Jack, these latest polls from Iowa aren't looking too good.

Jack: Hell, Smith, those polls are all over the map. You can't go by them. All that matters is the final vote.

Mr. Smith: Yeah, but the big man sure doesn't like to see himself playing second fiddle to some old Baptist preacher. It's all about image, Jack.

Wolf Blitzer: (heard faintly on the television as CNN returns from commercial) Welcome back to the Situation Room, ladies and gentlemen--breaking news out of London this evening--

Jack: OOOOH! Maybe the queen has finally agreed to our petition to knight Ann Coulter!

Mr. Smith: Shut up, Jack, she's not even British! Now listen!

Mr. Blitzer: --and with the full story on this latest political disclosure, we go to our London correspondent, Andrea Sanke. Andrea?

Mrs. Sanke: Thank you, Wolf. Well as we all know, the upcoming presidential election has already been an extremely heated and competitive frenzy, with Republicans and Democrats seeming more concerned with bashing members of their own parties than attacking the other. But this new development may turn the race entirely on its head as a new candidate has thrown his hat into the ring for the GOP nomination.

Mr. Smith: What?

Mr. Blitzer: Yes, Andrea, and I'm sure our viewers are curious as to why you are reporting this story from London.

Mrs. Sanke: Indeed, Wolf, and that's what makes this story all the more intriguing, because the individual that declared his candidacy at a press conference here this morning is none other than Voldemort, the notorious Dark Lord of Britain.

Mr. Smith and Jack: WHAT????

Mr. Blitzer: Yes, Andrea, and I think I speak for all of our viewers when I ask, how is this possible? Mr. Lord Voldemort is not a natural-born citizen of the United States, nor has he ever lived here. He cannot constitutionally be our President, can he?

Mrs. Sanke: Well, that's what many of our legal advisors here are telling me, but our reports coming in since the announcement indicate that many of the early primary states, including South Carolina and New Hampshire, intend to place Mr. Lord Voldemort's name on their ballots.

Mayor Giuliani's Entire Staff: WHAT?????

Mr. Blitzer: A most peculiar development indeed, Andrea. Do you think Mr. Lord Voldemort's entrance into the race poses any serious threats to the leading Republican candidates?

Mrs. Sanke: Well obviously, Wolf, this is going to cause a major stir among Republican voters, but at this point I see him as only adding to the diversity of the Republican nominees. Of course, we don't yet know a lot about his platform, as he has no previous experience in politics and is a dark horse in the United States. Nevertheless I think it is safe to conclude that Mr. Lord Voldemort will bring a unique perspective to the GOP race which could very well have some voters second-guessing their decision.

Mr. Blitzer: Absolutely Andrea, and thank you for being with us this evening.

Mrs. Sanke: Thank you, Wolf.

Mr. Blitzer: Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have received confirmation that Mr. Lord Voldemort is indeed on the ballot for the South Carolina and New Hampshire primaries, with indications that Nevada intends to allow his supporters at its caucuses. Our latest polls in those states show that just a few hours after declaring his candidacy, Lord Voldemort has a significant start in those states with 12%, 15%, and 10%, respectively, which already puts him ahead of Texas Representative Ron Paul. We'll keep you updated with more on this story as it develops. Meanwhile, actress Lindsay Lohan was readmitted to a rehabilitation hospital in Reno this morning...

Mr. Smith: Crap! (begins pacing) This is bad! This is bad! This is so very bad!

Jack: Do you reckon he'd use a motorcade, or just fly to the White House?

Mr. Smith: Silence, idiot! Jack, this is serious! Do you realize what this means? This could be detrimental to our campaign! If the mayor finds out--

Mayor Giuliani: (bellowing in the distance) FEE FI FO FUM! I SMELL THE POLITICS OF AN ENGLISHMAN! BE HE LIBERAL OR BE HE DEAD, I'LL GRIND HIS BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD!

Mr. Smith: Oh shit! Quick, Jack, mobilize every volunteer and underage intern you can find! We've got some smear campaigning to do!

Clinton National Campaign Headquarters, Arlington, VA--6:01 p.m.

Senator Clinton: Jones, do you mind telling me just what the hell is going on?

Mr. Jones: B-begging you pardon, ma'am, b-but, w-what do you m-mean?

Sen. Clinton: MEAN! Don't play stupid with me, Jones! It's been all over the blasted news! Why, I ask you, why is Lord Voldemort running for President?

Mr. Jones: I-, I-, I-

Sen. Clinton: Oh, cut the stuttering, will you!

Mr. Jones: (with effort) I-I'm sorry, Senator, but this news has just now been released. We had absolutely no indication that anyone else was entering the race, least of all You-Know-Who.

Sen. Clinton: Well isn't that what I hired you for? I ask a question and you answer!

Mr. Jones: I AM sorry, Senator, but we had no idea! I mean, practically speaking, You-Know-Who can't--

Sen. Clinton: Jones, why are you calling him that? You're AMERICAN, moron!

Mr. Jones: Well he scares me!

Sen. Clinton: (scowls) Very well then, Jones. I'm obviously not getting anymore out of you. Get John on the phone a.s.a.p.

Mr. Jones: Senator?

Sen. Clinton: John! John Edwards you half-wit!

Mr. Jones: Y-yes, of course, Senator.

Sen. Clinton: I'm surrounded by complete imbeciles!

Mr. Jones: (Privately, to himself) She's such a bitch.

Several minutes later...

Sen. Clinton: John? John, it's me.

Senator Edwards: Ah! Senator Clinton, to what do I owe the pleasure?

Sen. Clinton: Cut the formalities, John, have you been watching the news?

Sen. Edwards: Certainly, who hasn't?

Sen. Clinton: Well, what do you make of it?

Sen. Edwards: Hmmm, well it does make me worry. You don't suppose Voldemort wants to extend his reign of terror to the United States of America do you?

Sen. Clinton: I can't see any other motivation.

Sen. Edwards: Maybe it's a scare tactic? Weaken the morale of the Brits to make them think he's infiltrated their strongest ally?

Sen. Clinton: John, you and I both know Voldemort doesn't play games like that. He'd be wasting his time getting caught up in American politics. There's something else going on here, and I don't like it.

Sen. Edwards: Have you spoken to Bill about this yet?

Sen. Clinton: No, but I suppose he would be able to detect Voldemort's real intentions. Did you know that they were once quite well acquainted?

Sen. Edwards: Really?

Sen. Clinton: Yes, indeed. Met each other at a bar in Arkansas back when Bill was still Governor. Voldemort had come over to study American wizarding history. Of course that was back before he got all snaky and bad-tempered. Anyway they really hit it off and were golfing chums for a while, that is until Voldemort found out I wasn't a witch and you know, with his pureblood mania, Bill fell out of favor with him. They're still Myspace friends, though.

Sen. Edwards: Voldemort has a Myspace?

Sen. Clinton: Well, who doesn't? Terrible to look at though. He's got Cher's "Believe" as his background song. But that's beside the point. What are we going to do about his candidacy?

Sen. Edwards: Well he is running as a Republican and they've already got a bunch of self-righteous blockheads on the ballot. I don't think he'd ever win the nomination. He's virtually an unknown around here and he's come in the race way too late. I don't see him as any kind of threat.

Sen. Clinton: I hope you're right. I'll have a word with Bill this evening. In the meantime I guess we'll just have to play Barack's card and "hope" for the best.

Sen. Edwards: We'll just have to see how this plays out over the next few days. I'll keep you posted if I hear anything.

Sen. Clinton: Right. Goodnight, John.

Sen. Edwards: Goodnight, Senator.

The Oval Office, The White House, Washington, D.C.--6:25 p.m.

Enter Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, and National Security Advisor Steve Hadley. Cheney crosses the room, looking grim, and examines the Resolute desk intently. Secretaries Rice and Gates appear concerned; Hadley shows no emotion.

Secretary Rice: Dick, I think you're overreacting.

Cheney: You don't understand, Condi, you just don't. This is bad news.

Secretary Rice: But, Dick, it's a little late don't you think? I mean really, how much damage can he do in three weeks?

Secretary Gates: I'm with Condi on this one. It's Steve Colbert all over again. No one is going to take this guy seriously. He can't even legally run for president. It's unconstitutional. As for those states allowing him on the ballot, well I don't know what to make of it. Maybe the RNC will refuse to seat their delegates at the convention. But if there were any chance that it might be a real problem, the Court would intervene.

Cheney: (sighs) Bob, Condi, the Constitution merely states than someone has to be a natural-born citizen in order to be President. It gives no requirements in order to run. So strictly speaking, the Court's hands are tied until then.

Secretary Gates: Well that will never happen, Dick. He can't possibly be elected. The American people won't stand for a tyrant like Voldemort leading their country.

Cheney: (turns to face the advisors, frowning) The President once thought as you do. You don't know the power of the Dark Side. The Dark Lord, you have no idea the weapons he possesses. The American people are puppets to him, easily susceptible to his will.

Secretary Rice: Well what would you have us do about it? The White House has no say in this matter. We can't change the rules of the election.

Cheney: No, but there are other ways.

Cheney pauses and bows his head, as if deep in thought. He turns toward the window, withdraws a long, thin piece of wood from his jacket pocket, and raises it like a gun. He murmurs something incoherent under his breath, and a silver-white quail bursts from the end of the wand, canters off through the window, and vanishes.

Secretary Gates: Dick, what about the Statute of Secrecy?

Cheney: A lot of damn good it's done us so far. Why, as many people as the President has let it slip to already, he might as well announce it to the whole fucking country in his next State of the Union.

Secretary Rice: He trusts us! Look, for goodness sake, the existence of something so subversive and dangerous as magic is a matter of utmost importance to national security and--

Cheney: Dangerous? Subversive? Is that what you think? You think people like me can't be trusted with government? Is that what you are trying to say to me, Condi?

Secretary Rice: Of course not, Dick! I only meant--

Enter White House aide.

Aide: Lord Vader?

Cheney: WHAT?

Aide: The President is coming.

Cheney: Damn. All right, there is to be no mention of this to the President. Maybe he hasn't found out. And if he has, we can only hope he's not concerned by it.

Secretary Rice: Dick, I really think you're being--

Cheney: Silence!

Enter President George W. Bush. Exit White House aide.

All: Good evening, Mr. President.

Bush disregards the three advisors and addresses the Vice-President directly, speaking in his thick Texan drawl.

President Bush: Dick, what in the name of Reaganomics is goin' on?

Cheney: Well, Mr. President, the beef stroganoff was a little undercooked in the cafeteria today but I hardly think that's cause for alarm.

Pres. Bush: Don't play stupid with me, Dick! That's what I have Congress for!

Cheney: (deflated) Fine. This is about the Dark Lord isn't it?

Pres. Bush: Well it certainly ain't about those whoopee cushions at the White House Press Dinner, which, by the way, we're still investigating!

Secretaries Rice and Gates snigger, but Bush does not to notice them.

Cheney: Look, Mr. President, I'll take care of it. Trust me on this one; I've dealt with this guy before. He tried to infiltrate our government back when I was in the House, but luckily those of us in Washington at the time--

Pres. Bush: He tried to assassinate my dad when he was Vice President!

Cheney: I realize that sir, but your father is a powerful wizard. He handled himself well enough on his own. Now please, just let me take care of this.

Pres. Bush: You do what you want, Dick, but I have a job as President to make sure the American people are safe. Condi!

Secretary Rice: Mr. President?

Pres. Bush: Arrange a meeting with the Minister of Magic. I want you to get his thoughts on all of this.

Secretary Rice: Of course, sir.

Pres. Bush: Good. And Steve?

Mr. Hadley: Sir?

Pres. Bush: Get with the CIA. I want to know as much about this guy as we can.

Mr. Hadley: Right away, sir.

Pres. Bush: And Bob?

Secretary Gates: Mr. President?

Pres. Bush: Get me a beer. Nothing imported!

Cheney: (impatiently) Look, Mr. President, I'm telling you I need to handle this alone!

Pres. Bush: And I'm telling you this ain't no schoolyard fight, Dick! I will do what I think is necessary. As I said before, do what you want on your own. But so help me if you screw anything up I'll fry you like steak on a grill!

Secretary Gates: But Mr. President, you can't fry--

Pres. Bush: Shut up!

There is an awkward silence, broken only by the National Security Advisor speaking.

Mr. Hadley: Of course, the press will be expecting you to make a statement on this, Mr. President.

Pres. Bush: Right. Somebody find me Gerson. And what about that beer, Bob?

Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts School of Witchraft and Wizardry, Scotland--8:50 p.m. (3:50 p.m. EST)

Albus Dumbledore is seated at his desk, Fawkes the phoenix grooming himself on the perch behind his master. Severus Snape sits across from Dumbledore, the Headmaster and the Potions Master focusing intently on each other.

Professor Dumbledore: I gave you your chance, Severus, and you've squandered it.

Professor Snape: I'm certain I don't know what you mean, Headmaster.

Prof. Dumbledore: Admit it! Admit that you've been hiding it from me!

Prof. Snape: I shall do no such thing!

Prof. Dumbledore: Very well, then. G4!

A minor explosion is heard from Snape's side of the gameboard, followed by a miniscule plume of smoke.

Prof. Snape: BLOODY HELL! You sunk my battleship! I hate this game!

Snape pulls out his wand and points it at the gameboard. The entire thing bursts into flames, leaving a pile of ashes behind.

Prof. Dumbledore: (chuckling) Calm yourself, Severus! It's only a game. But perhaps you need to brush up on your Occlumency again.

Snape scoffs.

Prof. Snape: What does it matter anyway! It's Saturday night and I'm playing Battleship while all the guys are out picking up women! Flitwick! I don't know how he does it, but he seems to have a different girl every weekend. Even that oaf, Hagrid doesn't do half bad for himself once in a while.

Prof. Dumbledore: Professor Hagrid is not an oaf, Severus. And in case you haven't noticed, I am not out soliciting sex either, but rather enjoying a pleasant evening of Muggle entertainment with my dear friend Professor Snape.

Prof. Snape: (rolls eyes) Please, sir, if I may be so bold to say, you're not exactly a ladies' man. But either way, don't you think you're a little, oh, distinguished to be out searching for a good time?

Prof. Dumbledore: (raises eyebrows) Pardon me, Severus, but I'll have you know that I've shaken quite a few skirts in my day. Why, just the other evening in the Leaky Cauldron there was a strikingly gorgeous little witch--plump, luscious lips, big perky breasts, perfect buttocks, you get the idea--that offered to buy me a drink. But, of course, I'm a respectable educator, and there were a number of witnesses around whom I would have preferred not observed such an encounter, so I politely declined.

Prof. Snape: (dumbfounded) Yeah, well, this really nice looking sorceress winked at me and held the door open at Borgin and Burke's the other day.

Prof. Dumbledore: How many arms, Severus?

Prof. Snape: (shoulders sagging) Only four, but I bet you she'd give one hell of a--

Phineas Nigellus: My goodness, Headmaster! There's some sort of large, hideous creature loose in the Charms corridor! Come quickly!

The portrait speaks as if from a distance, shortly thereafter appearing in from the edge of his frame and breathing heavily.

Prof. Dumbledore: That'll be your blind date, Severus. We'd best go give her a warm welcome.

Prof. Snape: What!

Prof. Dumbledore: The board game was merely a distraction until she arrived. I knew it would wind up your frustration about your flaccid love life. See, Severus? I understand you too well.

Snape grumbles, refusing to rise from his chair. Dumbledore makes to force him up, but a sudden crackling from the wireless on his desk makes him freeze.

Radio Announcer: ...latest development out of the United States this evening in the heated presidential election...

Prof. Dumbledore: Severus, turn that up! I must confess that I am most intrigued by American politics. Their Minister of Magic, capital fellow I might add, assures me that this Barack Obama is his favorite choice, but I must say that Senator Clinton is a really fetching woman, and her husband is a most amiable wizard!

Prof. Snape: Well then shut the hell up so we can listen!

Radio Announcer: ...the announcement had many political pundits questioning whether or not the press conference was a practical joke, or a legitimate endeavor which left many presidential candidates of the United States Republican Party in a fervor. Nevertheless, sources have confirmed that the mysterious figure known as You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and Lord Voldemort, is in fact running for President of the United States. Now, many officials within Washington...

Snape and Dumbledore stare at each other, mouths agape.

Prof. Dumbledore: Ah, HELL NO!

Prof. Snape: Sir?

Prof. Dumbledore: Dispatch an owl to the BBC at once and schedule a press conference!

Prof. Snape: What about my date?

Prof. Dumbledore: That will have to wait, Severus, for I think I've postponed my political career long enough!

Dwight D. Eisenhower Executive Office Building, Washington, D.C.--11:55 p.m.

Vice President Dick Cheney and former President Bill Clinton stroll through a dark, unused corridor, deep in discussion. Both are aware of the political detriment it might create were they to be seen together, and thus they have chosen to meet in an isolated area. Two Secret Service agents follow closely behind, though at a great enough distance that Cheney and Clinton's conversation remains private.

Cheney: You got my message then, Bill?

President Clinton: Yes, Dick, but I must say it was rather reckless contacting me that way. The chairman of the NAACP had just left my office when your quail popped in the window.

Cheney: Sorry, but it was a bit of an emergency and that was the quickest way to contact you.

Pres. Clinton: You couldn't just pick up a phone?

Cheney: (rolls eyes) Please, Bill, you know as well as I do that having a private phone conversation in the White House is about as feasible as getting Rosie O'Donnell to go on a diet.

Pres. Clinton: All right, then fine. What's on your mind?

Cheney: You know well enough.

Pres. Clinton: I'd like to say otherwise. What do you think his real intentions are?

Cheney: (sighs) Exactly what they were the last time he was in power. Which means...he's going to come looking for me.

Pres. Clinton: How can you be sure? Voldemort had hundreds of followers here in the U.S., many of them in positions just as powerful as yours was at the time, if not more so. Furthermore, he has a lot more followers in Britain this time; what makes you think he won't just use them to accomplish what he needs here? America would be easy for him to control; all he has to do is manipulate the media, and you know how susceptible they can be. I mean really, a bald Britney Spears can keep them occupied for days on end.

Cheney: I'm afraid it's not that simple, Bill. As ashamed as I am to admit it, and you know I repented profusely after the fact, I was one of his most devoted supporters at one time. Helped him significantly in his infiltration of our own government. In later years I started to have second thoughts on the whole issue, and I suspect he figured that out somehow, because he stopped trusting me as much. Nevertheless he knew I was invaluable to him. I tried my best to at least pretend to exhibit my old fervor for the cause because I was as good as dead otherwise. After he was defeated, I was free to continue with my political career in the Muggle world, but I have always worried that if he ever came back to power, he would revive his old campaign here, and he would target me.

Pres. Clinton: I see.

Cheney: So you understand why we have a problem then?

Pres. Clinton: Yes, but Dick, you are one of the most well protected men in the world, not to mention one of the most powerful wizards I know. You're also probably the reason that President Bush has managed to avoid a wizard assassination or at least a cleverly executed Imperius Curse up to this point. Do you really think Voldemort will be able to get access to you?

Cheney: Come now, Bill. Do you really think a bunch of Muggle Secret Service agents and a poorly organized CIA will be able to stop the most powerful Dark Wizard of all time? He'd slip right under their noses without so much as a blip on the radar.

Pres. Clinton: True, but why don't just ask the Minister of Magic for a platoon of Aurors to act as your guard?

Cheney: Impossible. The only people authorized to protect the President and Vice President are those approved through the Secret Service. I'm afraid it's just not as easy to slip in a wizard bodyguard in this country as it might be elsewhere. There are simply too many people asking too many questions.

Pres. Clinton: Well then what do you plan to do?

Cheney: I don't know. Lie low for a bit I expect. Try to figure out a way to stop Voldemort from taking over America. You in the mean time can take more direct and public efforts to stop him. I doubt Voldemort knows what you truly are; you've hidden your secret well enough.

Pres. Clinton: (sighs) I'll do what I can, but you've got to realize I only have so much influence. And if I start attacking Republicans directly, the media is going to eat it up like Hillary with chocolate cake. In this twisted society it might actually boost Voldemort's support rather than diminish it.

Cheney: Just see to it that he doesn't become a serious threat, and I'll take care of the rest.

Pres. Clinton: All right, Dick, if you say so.