Musings Of A Slug

MUSINGS OF A SLUG

By popular demand, I will write down the events of today.

Why? You ask.

Today is Meet The Parents day. Anyone who has ever done this will know how scary it is. I´m not biting my nails. I finished the nails weeks ago. I´m chewing on my knuckles, now. Ginny has been bugging me since before midnight. She laid out the clothes I was to wear today, so that I don´t seem to imposing. Me? Imposing? Never!

I´m sitting at my desk, trying to force my hair into order without gel, as she says it looks too much like the old me. There is no old me. I haven´t changed at all. I look nice. Ugh. It´s really disturbing. I look sort of fluffy, like I do when I get out of the bath. That is why I´m never going to share a house smaller than ten bedrooms with anyone. If they see me looking fluffy and freshly washed, my reputation will be ruined.

So I´ll be wearing smart grey trousers, a blue shirt, and a black coat. I wore that to... nope. Never worn that sort of outfit before in my life. I´ve ordered the elves to make a nice pie for me to bring. I´ll be absolutely perfect. You´ll see.

-----

Okay, I´m sitting in the bathroom, recording first impressions. This is quite difficult, as I am trying not to fall down the loo.

The mother, Molly. She´s okay, I guess. Nice enough, but she had the sort of face that made you realise that God does have a sense of humour. She looked a little frightened of me, but I was charming, with a dashing urbane wit, so she calmed down a bit after that.

The father, Arthur. Well, of course, I´ve known him for ages, and he usually seems to be trying to arrest us all. I can´t look at him and keep my face straight. The man´s ears make him look like a taxicab with both doors open.

Brother the elder, Bill. I didn´t see too much of him, but he was looking menacing.

`A Malfoy? What´s he doing here? Are you going to kill him, dad?´

I do love such welcoming folk.

Brother the second, Charlie. He didn´t seem too bad. I won´t say I liked him, but he complimented me on my name, and asked if I liked dragons. We chatted for a while, then he went out. Okay, strike one Weasley I approve of.

Brothers the third, twins. I never caught their names, but I think it´s a curse to have two identically horrific people in one family.

Brother the lankiest, Ronald. I know him already. He didn´t talk to me, but he wasn´t too bad. I´d really rather he never spoke to me.

Oh, hang on. Someone´s banging on the door. The other bathrooms must be full. Hang on, we have sixteen bathrooms. That´s more than enough for everyone. It just struck me that they may have less. Weird.

-----

I tried! I really did!

They were talking about all sorts of wholesome things, and I know I screwed up, so don´t tell me. Mrs Weasley asked me about what I liked to do. I told her. These things involve: drawing, writing, playing chess, shooting things, chopping things up with swords, punching sacks, Potter-baiting and all those things that make living worthwhile. She was fine up to `shooting things´ then her face fell a little.

That was the truthful answer. Surprisingly, I don´t lie much. The truth is often elaborate enough with me.

Mr Weasley avoided speaking to me the whole time, until he asked me `Why did your father get banged up?´

I thought this was highly inappropriate.

First, I thought the whole world knew I sent him there.

Second, he is my father after all.

Third, he isn´t banged up, he´s padded up.

Mrs Weasley got used to me after awhile, and I managed to make her cry with laughter at one point. She´s alright. It´s the rest of them as gets me mad. Oh well. When I rule the world, I´ll have them all killed.

-----

Mamma Weasley is a damn fine cook. I´ve never felt so fat in my life.

I had to come home to Malfoy Manor, because I would have no control of my actions, were I to sleepwalk, and Mr Weasel might find himself dead when he woke up.

It´s very quiet here without father gnawing on the furniture, and licking the carpets. Apparently he is tied to a bed somewhere far, far away, and I sleep easy. Mother is well, if a little distant, and I can´t help myself wishing that I could have two mothers. One like Mrs Weasley, for when I´m sad; and one like mother, to show off at parties. I miss Ginny. It´s an odd feeling, and I don´t like it. I write to her all the time. As of yet she hasn´t replied, but I´ve only been back a couple hours.

Summer breaks sucks. I´m not going to see her for ages.

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I hate my life.

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I miss Ginny.

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Want to die.

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Not dead yet.

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Still going. Shame.

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Hate life. Only reason I´m still alive is because being so cheerful keeps me going.

-----

Back at school now. Ahh. Big long sigh of relief that I thought I´d never breathe.

Potter is annoying, Ginny is beautiful, Granger is swotty, Weasel is lanky. No change there then.

I´m a seventh year now. God. That sure did come along quick. I´ve started a philosophy class. We were discussing beauty being only skin deep, and all that. I´m tired of all this bollocks about `only skin deep´. Isn´t that deep enough? Does anybody really want an adorable pancreas? So philosophy is a bit of a bummer. I thought it would be different, but I guess we´re building up to that. What other things am I taking? Well, there´s that small matter of my having become Head Boy. Don´t know why. It really doesn´t make sense. Sure, I´m smarter than everybody else, but I´m in trouble all the time. I don´t think I´m right for the job, but at least I get a decent room of my own.

There was this nasty turnaround of my beliefs that I have held for many a year now in our Philosophy today. Potter was talking copiously, then he suddenly stopped, and said `Something´s boring in here. I think it´s me.´

Not only was this true. It was funny. I´m scared.

Maybe Potty isn´t so bad after all. I can just imagine all these scientist people gathered around my comatose body. They all have `Anti-Potter League´ on their coats, and they´re clutching clipboards in their arms. One of them slips her glasses down her nose, and looks at me. `Tragic,´ she says. `And he came through puberty with such flying colours.´ They all sigh and shake their heads, walking away from me, scribbling on their pads.

Coo. Scary vision. Maybe I´m a seer. I´ll go stare at a glass ball in the North Tower for ages without breathing until I hallucinate something.

-----

Oh Potter, you swotter, oh what have you done? You´re trying to be clever, you think it´s good fun.

Ah. Sweet songs of the poltergeists.

Aforementioned geek was trying to outdo me in a philosophical discussion. How does he think he can do that? I spent the whole time nodding through his speech, as though I cared. When he finally paused, I said `Very interesting... but stupid.´ And then I continued with my own, hair-raisingly original piece that won clapping and cheers from the class. Potter got real mad with me, and said he´d make a deal with me. We would go up to the empty classrooms at midnight, duel, and whomsoever beat the other into itty little pieces would be given respect by the other. I asked how we would ensure that I didn´t cheat. He said we could make a verbal contract.

`Pah!´ said I. `A verbal contract isn´t worth the paper it´s written on.´

Potter gave me an odd look, and I walked out.

I love confusing that boy.

What? Was it something I said?

-----

He was bellowing his opinions at me in potions today. I´m on a roll, here. I´ll do what I did to Ginny, but without the ultimate goal. He kept shrieking things, and to everything I said `You may very well think that. I couldn´t possibly comment.´ He got sooooo mad at me after awhile. As soon as I got back in, I sent him a box of chocolates, and laughed my way to the prefects´ meeting.

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Ho ho ho. Wonder why Potter makes this so rewarding for me? He screws up so bad. Of course, he´s never had a girlfriend in his life, and he´s hopelessly in love with goofy Granger. That made him throw his arms around her and kiss the poor girl. She´s dating someone else. Dunno who. My information network failed me there. Rest assured, I will find out.

They´ve started careers stuff now. Tomorrow we´re all going to the Ministry, to see what people do there. After that we can each pick a line of work, and the school will arrange for us to follow someone around. I´m going to follow an Auror, get some of their secrets.

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I can´t believe the school.

What the hell are we meant to learn, watching someone sit at a desk all day? `Never to go and work for the goodies, there are no rewards´. I filled that in on the `What do you feel you have learnt today´ box. I think Mcgonagall might be a little mad. Overall. Not just with me.

They said I could go and shadow an Auror on Monday. Problem is, Potter will be too. Just him and me. Maybe it´s some obscure plot by the teachers to make us get on. I assure you, it won´t happen. I don´t know whom we´ll be trailing after yet, but he´d better be good. It would take the head of the Aurors himself to rip my nails out of Potter´s throat when I´m angry.

Oh well, the loss of one Auror is no big deal. Not for me, at any rate.

I should have asked to work at a mental ward. It would be a family reunion. All my relatives except for mum are in there, or dead. I could say hi to pop. Then I´d die a brutal and painful death for daring to call him `pop´ at all. Oh joy! All the fun things about work experience. Best would be missing potions; worst would be Potter, which is the reason I wanted to miss potions in the first place. So I´m happy neither way, really. Uh oh. Now I´ve confused myself. I´ll just go off and mutter in a corner. Excuse me.

-----

Christmas is coming, and I need to think of something nice for Ginny.

Got any ideas?

No, I didn´t think so. You´ve failed me everywhere else. I never expected you to help me with this.

Does one buy something useful or frivolous for a girlfriend of one year? I don´t know. I´ve had loads of girlfriends, (preen, preen) but never one for this long before. I prefer little and often. Not like chocolate. Lots and very often. Ye-es. Muhahahahaha! Sorry. I´m a bit cuckoo.

A bit?

Yes, a little.

Now, do I buy her crystal champagne glasses, or a big bedspread with hearts and `I love you´ stitched on it? I´m more of a champagne glass guy. Maybe because I have big feet, skinny legs, broad shoulders and a big head. And I´m regularly brimming with alcohol. And I go well with chocolate. And you´ll always find me in the hand of a gorgeous, classy girl. And I´m expensive. Yup. That´s me, all right. Maybe I should change it from `I Am A Slug´ to `I Am A Champagne Glass´. What do you think?

Maybe not. Point taken. Okay. I´ll buy her some crystal goblets.

-----

Monday: and here I stand, outside the Ministry in the freezing cold, with Potter, waiting for our non-existent Auror. How great can it get? Could my situation possibly be worse? Tune in later, to find out!

No, don´t waste your time. I´ll answer you here and now.

NO.

It´s been an hour now. My hands are so cold that I can barely move my fingers to write. Potter is whining, or was. He´s gone into Diagon Alley to get us some food. Admittedly, he isn´t as bad as he has been. I could almost like him, were he blonde, female and tall. But he isn´t, so I still hate him. In fact, he´s the total opposite of that. That makes me hate him more. Cos he´s so un- what I want him to be.

Speak of the midget in glasses. Here he comes. Looks like he bought pasties. Oh well. I really am starving now. I´d eat McDonald´s food at this point, and that really is saying something.

We sat on the paving stones to eat our food, and I attempted to start up a conversation with Potter.

`So, dating Granger yet?´

He didn´t respond too well, in my opinion.

He began to tell me all of his woes, secrets and fears.

`I- I know we haven´t got on too well in the past, but I know I can trust you, Malfoy,´ he told me tearfully.

I was on the verge of running for the hills. Seriously.

`Why?´ I asked him, baffled.

`You can understand me, right? Opposites always understand each other.´

`I don´t think it works that way.´

Then he burst into tears all over my shoulder. He will PAY for that coat. It was suede!

But the second biggest problem is what he said next.

He loves me.

No jokes this time, just a large basin full of Draco-puke and an empty bottle of aspirins.

He loves me. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. UGH. UGH!!!!!

I´m not gay! I promise! He just suddenly announced that he loves me.

Well, of course I´m scared! I need chocolate. I may be some time.

-----

No returning to school for me. I am mentally scarred. Permanently. They may not take that as an excuse in the rulebook, but it sure is for me.

I´ve never been this ill before in my life. I´ve consumed two bottles of aspirin, two, or three, or maybe four vodkas, and a crate of chocolate. Thank god for my fat absorbing body. I can eat whatever I want and it has no effect on me whatsoever. I wish I had a `shocking revelation´ absorbing body. Then I could nod, and say `how nice.´ Not so pour moi. I can´t take it. Ginny got scared when she came in to find me sitting on the floor in the corner, hugging my knees to my chest and rocking back and forth, muttering.

Why me?

No wait, I know the answer to that.

It´s because I´m gorgeous, charming, funny, rich and blond.

Okay, after listing those, I think I understand Potter´s infatuation.

Doesn´t mean I like it. Nuh-uh. No way. Ugh.

What´s wrong with Granger? She´s with him, isn´t she? Wait, no. She isn´t. She´s very scared because he kissed her for no reason. Maybe he was upset, and said it on the spur of the moment. Maybe he was stoned, or drunk. Yes, that´ll be it, hee hee. Not me. Nothing to do with me. Hee... ohh.

-----

He was smiling at me.

Smiling!

Doesn´t he know that smiling is a sign of the devil?

Smiling?

More like leering.

Ugh.

This isn´t fair. I´m asking for a transfer to... god only knows where. Somewhere he isn´t. That´ll do me just fine. Ye-es. Perfect. Iceland? Jamaica? Trouble is, he might follow me. I could be on the run, like a WANTED criminal. Explains his odd attitude, though. Although I have to admit that I´d rather he was inexplicably odd, than gay.

Think of the headlines if I snitch.

POTTER IS PINK

HARRY THE HOMO

I´m not a homophobe. Some of my best friends are gay (no reflection on me), but I don´t want one after me. I´m straight, thank you very much. I love a perfectly normal girl called Ginny, and all is right with the world. Except for Potter.

I think I preferred it when he hated me. Now he keeps trying to catch my eye, and leering.

I can´t take it. I really can´t. Anybody know a painless way to kill yourself without too much effort?

-----

Ginny agreed to have a word with him.

She finally found out when I started hiding behind her in a corridor as Potter passed. She´s very small, and I was bent double.

Will Potter leave me alone?

I´ll give you a definite maybe.

I expect to live only once, and if there´s anybody I want to kick in the balls, I had better do it NOW, as I may not get another chance. This is why I´m headed to Gryffindork tower after I write this, and I´m going to kill Harry Potter.

I know, I know. It´s a cliché by now, but I mean it. I will kill him. Laugh all you want.

-----

Alright, maybe I didn´t quite succeed. That´s not the point. Point is, Ginny´s spoken to him, and he has agreed to leave me alone, and says sorry.

Sorry? Does he really think that´s enough? I want COMPENSATION! Sue the bastard!

I guess it´ll have to do for now.

I don´t want to speak to him ever again, even in court.

I will settle for sneering at him.

What do you mean, 'that´s nothing new´? I can´t help it. I was born sneering.

-----

I went Christmas shopping today. I know it´s a bit late, considering it´s the 20^th of December, but at least I´m getting it done.

I bought: some lovely champagne glasses for Ginny; a book for Granger (I have to consider them, now.); a quill for Weasel; some parchment for Potter (I wanted to give him something that wasn´t suggestive in any way); a Malfoy family straight-jacket for father; a lovely cooking pot for the Weasleys, and a set of vials for my Godfather, Snape.

I don´t like him, but I can afford it.

I´ve started wrapping them up. Hogwarts is getting depressingly merry and festive. There are all sorts of trees up, and sparkly things. It´s like I can´t get away from the festive cheer. Bah, humbug.

-----

The school was nearly deserted today (Christmas Eve). It looks like the only Gryffindorks staying are Potty, Weasel, Goofy and Ginny. I´m the only Slytherin, so the teachers said I could go into the Gryffindor tower for tonight and tomorrow. I don´t want to really, but I´d rather do that than be lonely. I´m about to go. I´m going to be staying there over the festive season, and I don´t want to. I can´t leave until New Year´s Day. Humph.

I´ll have to make the best of my situation. I´m off. See you later, maybe. They´re letting us have some mulled wine. Gracious! I can hardly contain myself.

-----

It was shockingly fun. They managed to be engaging company, and I think we may end up friends. Potter was thankfully normal. I sat before the fire with Ginny all night. It´s two in the morning now. I´m in an empty dormitory for the time. We only just got to bed. Ginny got a bit tiddled and cried when I tried to go to bed. That would be why she´s sleeping on my chest right now. I couldn´t see her cry. We´re going to get up early, and give each other our presents by the tree.

I´ve never done Christmas before. Happiness isn´t really a Malfoy Manor thing. This is interesting. In Slytherin, you just have lunch, and don´t get presents for anyone except your partner.

I´m going to sleep now, the sweet, apple-spice smell of Ginny´s hair filling my nostrils, a bubbling happiness in my heart, and peace in my mind.