Potions Accident

Chapter Three: Confrontations

"Every man who is truly a man must learn to be alone in the midst of all the others, and if need be,

against all the others."

-Romain Rolland

Severus' Point of View

Things had been progressing nicely with my semi-friendship with Potter. I listened when he talked, and that endeared me to him. It

seems sad, really, when the willingness to listen was all it took to get him to talk to me. The boy had many, many scars, all very painful ones. All I could do was listen...I wasn't about to shut someone out in the cold when they had just found warmth--figuratively speaking.

On the other hand, I hated the new Potions Professor that Headmaster Dumbledore had hired. She was worse than all the students combined. At least a few of them new one ingredient from the other. Perhaps I shouldn't have kept pointing out her mistakes in class, but I didn't want a mess in my Potions lab consisting of a badly scorched floor and melted cauldrons. She didn't have us do any potions, and even as I was disappointed, I was relieved. The woman didn't know a cauldron from a kitchen bowl. Any potions that we might have made would have almost always turned out wrong.

Last night had been odd, to say the least. For the first time, Potter had kept hours as late as mine. I didn't sleep often, and when I did, it wasn't for more than a couple of hours. My past was too horrifying to relive in my dreams. The advice I had given the boy was some I needed to listen to myself, but I never did. And probably never would.

Harry's mouth got the better of him last night...that much I could tell. His little 'suggestion' had been a veiled insinuation, although

it was less subtle than he thought it was. I had noticed his curious glances in my direction after the past couple of weeks. Potter was

trying to figure out my past, and I knew that it would take a lot longer than he would expect for me to tell him of it.

I had a feeling he had a slight crush on me, as well. I would readily admit that Harry had quite a nice figure, with nice muscle tone and

his akwardness around people, especially around me, was rather endearing. It was still too early after Sirius' death for me to find

another lover. His memory was still too strong.

The next day Potter wasn't in a very good mood. Why, I had no idea, but I did resolve to stay as far away from him as possible, because he had a tendency to leak a little magic when he wasn't careful.

During my study hall period, however, he found me in the library, and took the seat opposite me at the table.

"Sumner," he greeted. I just quirked my eyebrow at him, shrugged, and went back to reading an article on the merits of divination. Rubbish, all of it, but at least it was entertaining.

"Where were you born?" he asked, and I knew exactly where this conversation was headed. Today was the day he was going to try to find out my past.

"England."

"I know that, but where at in England?" he insisted, a tiny bit exasperated with my roundabout answer.

"Portsmouth. Now can I go back to my reading or are you going to badger me with questions?" I asked, raising my head to let my eyes meet his.

The piercing stare worked. The boy squirmed in his seat. "I just wanted to know something about you, Sumner. I mean, you never really start a conversation...you just kinda wonder around in the background."

I felt my eyebrows arch. "There is a reason for that, you realize."

Harry's green eyes came up eagerly to meet my own almost-black ones. "Really?" he asked in earnest, black hair flipping down into his eyes. "What is that reason?"

I smirked in spite of myself. "Because I am not a people person. I don't like people. You do remember that about me, at least?"

Sadness and disappointment laced the boy's eyes. The honesty of my answer had hurt him, and I felt a small pang of regret. "I...yes, I remember. I'm sorry, I'll leave you alone."

I sighed. Now I'd done it. Hurting the feelings of the only person who thought I was worth his time wasn't a smart move on my part. Just as I turned to apologize, the boy had disappeared. Oh well, I thought sullenly to myself, I do a beautiful job of alienating people from myself.

*         *         *         *         *         *         *         *         *         *         *

Tears cascaded down Sirius' face the first time he told me he loved me. "I really do love you, Severus. Is it such a difficult thing to

believe?"

I sighed, not wanting to face the hurt I had caused him when I had told him I didn't love him, not yet, and that I wasn't sure he was

entirely serious about loving me.

"I want to believe, Sirius, I honestly do," I answered. "It's just...the last time I was told I was loved, I was betrayed. And my

family only told me they loved me when they wanted something from me. I cannot help it if I associate love with pain. I like you," I

continued. "Can't that just be enough for now?"

Sirius looked at me, tears still shining in his eyes. "I guess it will have to be, Severus. And I am going to show you that love isn't

always about pain."

*         *         *         *         *         *         *         *         *         *         *

A week passed and still Harry was avoiding me. He was avoiding everyone, including his Quidditch teammates. The ban on his flying

had been lifted at the beginning of the school year, although I was inclined to believe it could have been a bad idea.

I did a locator spell in the privacy of my old room. Professor Dumbledore had guaranteed me that my workroom wouldn't be messed with by any teacher he hired, and that I would remain the only person with a key. I went down to my workroom every night, just so I could mix the potion Dumbledore still needed. I was also as cautious as possible, wearing three or four potion-proofed robes and gloves. I didn't need another accident like my last one.

Harry was out on the Quidditch Pitch, flying, at 1:00 in the morning. I rolled my eyes at his idiotic habit of wondering the grounds during all hours of the night. I made my way carefully down to the Quidditch Pitch myself, avoiding a potentially nasty run-in with Filch.

"Potter," I called, squinting up at the night sky and just barely able to make out the gleaming words on Harry's broom. "What in gods name are you doing here at this hour?"

The Gryffindor landed sharply beside me, letting out a short and bitter laugh as he dismounted. "Trying to outrun the past. Besides,

why do you care? It's not like you're a people person anyways."

I felt anger at the boy begin to stir for the first time the entire year. "You make it rather difficult to apologize when you go out of

your way to avoid me, Potter. That's fine. Go on with whatever it is you were doing. I'll just go back to my books." Bitter anger tinged my words.

The shock on Potter's face at the amount of emotion I was showing him would have been amusing, if I hadn't been so angry. I turned around, ready to stride off and leave him gaping after me, when he spoke.

"Sumner, wait. I didn't know you wanted to apologize," he said finally, unable to meet my eyes.

I smirked up at him. He was almost a foot taller than me, but I had more presence. "Well, I did. I don't like people, Potter. I cannot

make that clearer. But that doesn't mean I don't like a person's company. Do you understand the difference?"

Understanding flashed in the teenager's eyes and I grinned. Yeah, he definitely understood, and that assumption was confirmed when he nodded his head affirmatively at me.

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On the way back up to the Gryffindor Tower, I asked, simply out of curiousity, "When are you going to start talking to your friends

again?"

Harry started at the question, then glanced at me in suspicion. "Why? Have they said something to you?"

I almost burst out laughing...and that, that would have definitely cared Harry. "Oh yes, they speak to me every chance they get,

Potter," I drawled, "seeing as we're such good friends and all."

He frowned at me before he caught on that I was joking. Yes, contrary o popular belief, I was quite capable of joking. "Oh," he flushed. Guess not. So why are you asking?"

I sighed. "Potter, they're your friends right?" At his nod, I continued, "Well, tell them why you've been ignoring them and explain

to them that you felt betrayed when you didn't receive any letters."

The two of us had talked this particular summer event over and over until I was sure my head would pop off if we didn't stop talking about it.

"I don't think I'm ready to have them back in my life, Aiden," he said, one of the rare occassions that he used my false first name.

"Oh?" I asked, barely interested, but interested nonetheless. "Why not?"

Harry shrugged. "I don't know. I can't explain it... well, maybe I can. Sumner, I don't want to have to share the same things with them that I can share with you. They wouldn't understand."

I wished I dared to slap him, then. His friends needed him, but all he could think about was his own needs. Selfish brat, I snarled in my head. Out loud, I said, "They're hurting more than you are right now, Harry."

The Gryffindor looked insulted at that, and then outraged. "How can you say that they hurt more than me!" he all but yelled. "They

haven't suffered through anything on large of a scale as I have-"

I cut him off there. "Listen to me, Potter," I said coldly, "and listen carefully. There isn't a soul alive who has suffered more than

I have, and I can say that honestly. And if I were in your position right now, I'd march my arse right back to Ron and Hermione and

apologize for all the shite I put them through while I was wallowing in my own self-pity."

With that, I slammed the door to the boys' dorms and raced down to my lab. I needed privacy, and I needed to breathe, because the memories were clouding my vision again, and I couldn't see through the tears stinging my eyes.

Harry POV

Sinking, drowning in pools of regret,

Exhausted, tired, trying to forget.

The noose falls easily over my head.

Maybe, just maybe I'm better off dead

Sumner didn't return to the dormitory that night. I was glad of that because was I was angry. Angry and depressed. I hadn't been able to finish what I wanted to say and he had jumped down my throat.

I punched a pillow.

I had hurt Ron and Hermione. I knew that. Maybe I had hurt them because they were the only people who I could hurt, the only ones who would care?

Maybe I didn't want them to be there with me because they would be at risk if they were associated with me. Voldemort was still out there. Growing stronger.

He wanted me dead. He would want me to suffer. What better way to make someone suffer than to take away the only people he ever truly loved?

Maybe.

Maybe it was both if that was possible.

I closed my eyes and surprisingly fell asleep straight away, only the fall dropped me into my own personal hell.

Sirius was there talking to me, his face edging closer and closer, blood gargling in the back of his throat, dripping carelessly from his mouth, Sumner's reflection in Sirius's eyes. Suddenly his face morphed into Voldemort's screeching, shaking me with a mocking laughter. I turned to see Ron and Hermione holding on to each other, shaking with fear, tears mixed as they buried their faces into each others. A wand was aimed at them, a voice screamed. "AVADRA-" I woke up with a jolt, sweating, breathless and my heart pounding in fear, comforted only by the snores of those in the surrounding beds.

I spent the next day in my bed, pulling the curtains around and wallowed in my personal darkness, drowning in my depression. As the time passed, I ignored the hunger pangs and just let my heart lurch, trying not to listen to the voices inside my head reminding me of all my faults. When Dean came looking for me, obviously on the instruction of a teacher, I feigned sleep.

I kept on thinking, what was the point in going on? If I died then everyone could stop relying on me. Everyone would stop hoping I would save the Wizarding World. If I died then I couldn't fuck up everyone else's lives.

Absent mindedly I drifted into sleep again. Again, Sirius was the first face I saw. Blood began to drop from his eyes, like tears, blood falling from his ear, blood dripping from beneath his hairline. "Look what you've done to me Harry." He gargled before choking and pushing me. I fell of the cliff, falling and falling.I woke up just before I hit the ground. Heart beating with great speed; tears clouding my vision and a sick feeling in my stomach.

As if I was in a trance, I got out of bed. Pitch black outside with half a moon lighting up a small portion of the sky. I remember walking out of the castle and heading towards the lake. There was a small mud ledge next to it. I stood upon it bare footed. The mud wa wet and squashy but it was strangely comforting and in my trance I edged closer. I leant forward slightly and stared at the black water pool, something looked up at me. It was Sirius' face inviting me to join him.

"Harry?" I blinked and Sirius' face was gone.

"Harry! What in god's name do you think you are doing?!" It sounded like Sumner but I couldn't be sure at first.

"Who is it?" I croaked. I squinted in his general direction despite wearing my glasses, I couldn't see for the blur of tears.

"Its me, its Aiden. Come away from there" He pulled on my arm and I fell back and slipped into the mud that was beside him. I shivered but said nothing and stared at the moon. It's strange how it comforted me. Possibly the way it stayed still. It wouldn't leave me tonight.

"What on earth were you thinking?" He shook me.

"I-d-don't know. I- It- Sirius-nightmares-death-I" I bit my lip to stop my self from crying. I sat there and Sumner

crouched next to me. I stared at the moon again finally being able to focus on it and noticing the lights and darks.

"Harry?" I continued to stare upwards. The lack of food and water made me weak and when I finally stood up, my legs were unsteady. Sumner went to hold on to me but I shook him off and walked ahead of him unsteadily. I made my way back to the Gryffindor common room and sat on the chair by the fire.

With a drink of water I began to reflect on what I had almost done. Did I really want to die? If I did kill myself, then all of this would have been pointless. My life would have been pointless. I didn't want to die. My mother and father gave up their lives so I could live. How could I be so selfish?

"Harry?" He didn't need to say anything. I knew what needed to be done.

"I'm going to talk to Ron and Hermione in the morning."

He nodded and got up and walked out of the common room. I finished my drink and sloped of to bed and fell into a fitful sleep filled with my distortion of reality.

"Change everything you are,

And everything you were"

Butterflies and Hurricanes-Muse-

I got up early in the morning before anyone woke up. I needed to think. Would a simple `I'm sorry' actually do? Even that would take a lot. But, I loved Ron and Hermione. It shouldn't have been hard. I needed them. Procrastinating. I found them at lunch sitting outside in the grounds on a bench. It was very quiet, possibly because it was almost winter. The naked trees creaked as the wind barged its way through the gaps.

"It fucking freezing out here. You two will catch pneumonia if you're not careful." I mumbled, avoiding eye contact and joining them on the bench. I didn't want to see them stare.

"Well we thought we had the plague." Hermione said icily and didn't look up from her book.

"What?"

"Well, you have been avoiding us all term." She still continued to read her book. Ron seemed incapable of saying anything; he just thumbed the end of his tie.

"I'm an arsehole. I know. I have treated you both like shit. " Say it Harry, I'm sorry.I'm sorry.. " I-You both didn't deserve it," I'm sorry, Say it! " I- what I'm trying to say is.I'm sorry. I can't keep behaving like this." I'm also feeling so guilty that my subconscious dreamed you both dead. In effect, I killed you both in my dreams.

They both sat there and it was only Ron who was looking at me.

I need you both more than ever.

"I'm so angry at myself that I have left it so long." I've been alone. I want you to forgive me. "I don't expect you to forgive me." I want it to be alright again. I want to forget this last year ever happened. I want to be me again. "The reason I was pissed

off at you both in the first place was petty, but I was in a bad place. I didn't hear from either of you all summer. I know I've probably blown it all out of proportion. I'm sorry okay?"

"But Harry, we both wrote to you. We were worried. You never replied. But Dumbledore assured us you were fine."

"Yeah and then when we did see you, you blanked us." Ron mumbled. He was obviously still pissed at me.

"I-I'm sorry." I couldn't say anything else. My voice was threatening to break and I could feel my eyes burning. I got up and turned to walk away.

"Where do you think you're doing?" Hermione got up and pulled on my arm.

I shrugged feebly and Ron stood up and put his hand on my back and Hermione pulled me towards her.

"You're not going anywhere." She held me tight.

In many ways it was embarrassing to be slightly exposed like that and I didn't like sympathy much but in other ways it was comforting. I wasn't alone. I had done the right thing. They didn't hate me.

"Harry, you know I'm not the erm best at talking about personal feelings and stuff like that, but I never mind listening." Ron continued to rub my back.

"Thanks."

I should have been pleased at that comment but it filed me with despair. I didn't want them to have to hear about all the crap that was running through my head. I didn't want to drag them down with me. I think they actually would have been horrified if I had told them the pool of worries I was drowning in. I forced a smile and put my mask on again.

"So Harry, seeing as you haven't been hanging around with us, you wouldn't know." Hermione pushed her dinner plate away. After a double lesson of transfiguration and then another double lesson of Herbology, we were all tired and dreading the homework session that would commence after dinner.

"Know what?"

"Well, Hermione and me.me and Hermione.are kinda.going out."

Well it wasn't such a shock. They had had sexual tension from day one. "About time as well!"

They laughed. It was obvious now. They were sitting next to each other and he had his arm protectively around her waist. Sweet. I wished I could have someone.

I picked up my bag, "Shall we?"

"It has to be done." And we trotted off to the common room.

Sumner was there. It was quite unusual actually. He was in there when other people were there.

I set down my bag and tried to ignore the fact I had seen him.

"Does Sumner want to join us?" Hermione had caught me looking at him.

"No, he doesn't." I needed to talk to him. Last night had been surreal to say the least. But I pulled out my books.

"So, what is he like? I mean you seem to be the only one who has spoken to him." Ron pressed.

"He's alright." He was more than that. But I didn't want to launch into an Aiden Sumner appreciation speech.

"He certainly hates that new potions teacher. Well, I never thought I wold hear myself say this but I'd rather have Snape back." Hermione sighed, "I mean this new one is so incompetent, its painful."

Ron smiled, " I think you may be delusional. Nobody in their right mind would want Snape back. Besides I like the new teacher."

"Only because you find her attractive!"

It was amusing to watch them bicker. It warmed my heart to see simple things like that. It reminded me of simpler times.

But avoidance had been achieved and I couldn't put it off any longer, "I'll be right back" And I made my way towards Sumner who was sitting by the fire.

"Sumner, I-how you doing?"

Slowly his eyes traveled up to mine. "Fine. Yourself?"

"Been better. But I talked to Ron and Hermione."

"I know. I have eyes." Ice.

"Listen, I'm sorry. " I gave a little laugh," I seem to be apologising a lot lately. Sorry."

I think he smiled even though he was still annoyed with me.

"Harry, just.don't repeat what happened yesterday ok?" he sighed at me.

"I don't want to." I didn't want what happened yesterday to happen either but it still did. Its just whether I am strong enough to stop it next time.

He got up and put his hand lightly on my arm, "I have to go and see someone now. See you later."

"Maybe." I breathed and he walked away. My skin was tingling from his touch. I closed my eyes briefly and sighed in a mixture of happiness and despair. I joined the two love birds and tried to concentrate on my homework. I wasn't alone physically anymore. It wasn't the happiest I could have been but it had been a long time since I had felt any happiness at all. It was a strange feeling but I wasn't going to complain.

Severus' POV

I walked swiftly to Albus' office, my robes flying out behind me. I had stopped by my lab to get the Potion that the man insisted would be the downfall of Voldemort's lackeys, and I was partially in agreement with him. If the Order could get the Potion into the Death Eater's drinks then the war would turn substantially in our favor.

My mission at the moment, befriending Harry Potter, was much easier and yet much more difficult than I had previously believed. The boy was sporatic. One moment he was happy, the next he was trying to commit suicide in the lake. It was pure luck that had brought me out there the previous night. The Potion required a plant that could only be found near lakes, and it had to be gathered at midnight. Apparently, saving the boy's life over and over again was my destiny. One I could live without, as the responsibility put too much stress on my shoulders.

"Ah, Severus, is the Potion complete?" Albus asked as I entered the office.

"You know," I frowned, "If you want me to keep the cover that I have here, I suggest you call me Aiden, or Sumner, not Severus."

The man's blue eyes twinkled at me. It was enough to infuriate me, but I ignored it. Albus was Albus. That was the only explanation I had ever been able to find for the man's insane behavior.

"But yes, Albus, to answer the question, the Potion is finished." I fished out about 30 vials from my Potions belt and laid them on the Headmaster's desk.

"Ah. Thank you, Severus. I will see that these get distributed properly. On to other things. How is Mr. Potter?"

I rolled my eyes. I knew that the real reason Albus had called me to his office was to discuss Potter. It usually was. "He is suffering from depression, Albus. And if I hadn't seen him come within an inch to taking his own life, I might have said he was fine. The boy never received any of the letters his friends wrote him--I assume that is your doing--and it has torn him apart. I do not know much more than that, except that he feels extremely guilty over his godfather's death." I had to stop to keep my voice from cracking. I looked at Albus helplessly and he smiled softly to let me know I didn't have to go on.

"Well, it sounds like you have your hands full, Severus. I will discuss things further with you on the next Hogsmeade weekend."

That was a dismissal if I've ever heard one. I shook my head in amusement and made my way up to Gryffindor Tower.

The famed trio were sitting in the Common Room in front of the fire, laughing at a joke that Harry had made. I felt a tug at my heart and I recognized it immediately for what it was. I wanted to join them. It was an odd experience for me, because only once in my life had I ever wanted to join a group of people, and they had rejected me horribly.

Harry looked up and met my eyes across the room, and he must have read the wistfullness in my eyes, because he motioned me over.

I stepped over the mess they had made playing Exploding Snap and took a seat next to Harry on the floor. Ron and Hermione looked at me uncertainly and I sighed inwardly. They didn't know how to approach me. Then again, no one did.

"I don't understand why you don't just drop Divination, Ron. Trelawney is such a fraud," Hermione said, obviously deciding to continue the conversation they had been in the middle of before I was invited over.

"Perhaps I should," Ron retorted. "But it is rather amusing to see what different types of death scenarios we can come up with for that class, isn't it Harry?"

I looked carefully at Harry. His shoulders were tense because he knew that I was thinking of the suicide attempt he'd made the previous night. I leaned over to him, and whispered, "Jest is different than reality, isn't it?"

Hermione narrowed her eyes at me. I guess she had the thought that I was threatening her friend. "Now look here-

We were all startled when Harry started laughing. "Oh that's good, Sumner." He winked at me, and his shoulders relaxed. Now I was confused. The statement I made wasn't intended to be funny...apparently the boy had a very warped sense of humor. I shook my head in disbelief and looked back to see what the other two members of the trio were doing.

I had to look away when I see they had engaged in a rigorous snogging session. Finally, when I could take it no longer and I could tell Harry was getting annoyed as well, I said, "Do you two mind? That type of activity is usually better received in the bedroom, away from public eyes."

Hermione and Ron broke apart, flushing. Harry grinned at me in appreciation. "I love you guys, but honestly, that's a little much to try to digest an hour before bedtime," the Golden Boy stated.

Hermione blushed and Ron rolled his eyes. "Typical. Can't even get a decent snog in before bed."

I shocked them all by laughing. It wasn't something I did very often, if I did it at all. Seeing I was going to have to explain myself, I stated, "Weasley, I do believe you've lost what brain you may have had when you found the pleasures associated with snogging."

The red-head looked offended, but Harry jumped in. "Ron, he does have a bit of a point," he managed to say before he burst out laughing. Even Hermione couldn't contain a snort. Ron just looked on helplessly, but finally joined in.

I trudged up to the 7th year dorms and fell onto my bed, falling asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.