The Happiest Place on Earth

Chapter 1: Thy Magic Kingdom Come

I spent the next few days still fuming over the incident.

Especially Dumbledore's little 'going away present' that he left on my desk, of which I am still reaping the benefits of by getting winked at by Professor Lupin everytime I pass by him in the halls.

What a tart. Really.

So, no vacation for me. At least not to a nude beach (simply because the thought of seeing Remus there in his... entirety... makes me physically ill).

It's not as though I wanted to go in the first place, anyways.

...

Okay, maybe just a little bit.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Let me guess.

"Severus! Severus, could I perhaps speak to you for a moment?"

Dumbledore's voice was slightly muffled by my dungeon door.

I wanted to keep it that way.

But, nonetheless, I let him in.

"Severus! Thank-you. Now, I was wondering if you could give me your opinion on some things..."

I don't know if it was just because I was already ticked at him, or because I was paranoid that something else would happen along the lines of the other day, but that twinkle in his eye seemed awefully... suspicious.

"Oh?"

"Yes. Just have a look at these," he handed me two rolls of parchment, "and tell me what you think."

I hesitantly took the first scroll from his hand.

"What... are they? Exactly?"

"There are simply some revisions to the rules of this year's Quidditch Tournament at Hogwarts. I thought that you would like to have a say in them."

Gah. If this was a trick, he really knew how to reel me in. I opened the first scroll slowly, keeping a close eye on Dumbledore, who simply stood there grinning. It was, just as he said, a copy of the Quidditch guidelines with a few notes to the side of the column.

I sighed.

"Very well Headmaster." I took the second scroll from his hands. " I will see to it that... ARRGGHH!!!"

I felt a rip behind my naval, and with one last fleeting glimpse at a very cheerful looking Dumbledore, I was hurled into a rush of wind and color.

OOMPH.

It wasn't until I hit the ground... the very hard ground... that I realized what was happening to me.

A Portkey. The scroll that I still had clutched in my hand was a Portkey.

Realization of the situation took a few moments to kick in. I noticed that I was apparently on my back... staring at a very blue sky. My head hurt... a lot... but then again, what did I expect after falling Merlin knows how far and landing on cement? I sat up slowly, unsure of whether this was a good idea or not, and looked around at my surroundings. It wasn't long before I noticed that I most certainly was not alone.

A few feet in front of me stood a very small- and confused looking- little kid. He was holding an ice cream cone, which was dripping onto his shoes I noticed, and appeared to have... very large ears?... growing out of the top of his head.

...

Ears?

Apparently, I'd hit my head harder than I thought. I rose to my feet, swaying a bit, and took a few steps toward the kid, at which point he screamed, threw his ice cream cone at me, and ran away.

A few people looked my way as I proceeded to mutter a string of swear words and curses under my breath, all the while, trying to scrape ice cream off of the front of my robes. After I'd taken care of that, I continued to look around at my surroundings.

There were a great number of people wandering around- most of them looking a little less than thrilled. Upon regaining myself a little bit more, I also noticed that there was music... very cheery music... playing somewhere out of eyesight and filling the entire area.

I felt distinctly more nauseated.

Directly behind me was what appeared to be a set of giant, rapidly spinning teacups underneath a circus tent. Not only that, but inside the teacups were people- laughing and screaming. Off to the right was a small building that looked like an old house, but was apparently filled with restrooms; and off the left was a tall, chrome and aqua building that looked like it had just been apparated out of a muggle film depicting "the future".

Where the hell am I?

Okay, don't panic. Just think about this logically. I must still be in the wizarding world. How else would all of this be possible?

I looked around and spotted a passerby. Maybe he could help me get out of here.

"Excuse me...er... sir." He turned around.

"Hey man, what's up?" At least he appeared to be friendly.

"I was wondering if you could direct me to the nearest Portkey out of here?"

He stared at me.

"I need to get back Hogwarts," I elaborated, "you've heard of Hogwarts, correct? I think that there has been some kind of mistake and I..."

"Are you on drugs?"

I blinked. "What?"

"Are you on drugs?"

"No!" I could feel the red rising in my face. "I just want to know where the nearest Portkey is! I need to get out of here before..."

"Okay buddy, whatever you say." The man clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Just don't let one of the park officials catch you when you're like this..." He looked around suspiciously, his hand still on my shoulder. "They're not quite as 'friendly' when they catch you walking around high, if you catch my drift."

He winked at me, patted my shoulder, turned, and walked away.

. . .

I couldn't decide between being furious or even more confused.

So I just stood there, staring blankly at his retreating figure, no doubt wearing a very puzzled expression.

Well, I was obviously not in the wizarding world after all. This complicates things.

Just as I was about to run and find a shady spot that I could perform a Locating Charm in, it happened. The one and only thing that could make the situation worse:

"Professor!"

. . .