The Happiest Place on Earth

Chapter 1: Prologue

"Severus!"

NO.

"Yoohoo! Severus Snape!"

As should be expected, I picked up my pace down the corridor leading to my dungeon.

After all, the Headmaster only chases me down the halls when he wants something. Something that usually results in my getting very...

Angry.

And I'm in no mood to deal with that today.

"Professor Snape!"

I was practically at a run now, and decided to try and lose him...

Down this corridor....

Turn here....

Through this wall....

"Aha!" My dungeon door was in sight. I launched myself at it, wrenched it open, threw myself inside and slammed it shut, turning every lock on the door.

"Ah, there you are, Severus."

What. The. Hell.

There he sat- in my favorite black leather armchair, facing the doorway.

Waiting.

Of course, I simply stood there, mouth agape, wondering how in the world he could possibly be here.

"I've been meaning to have a word with you."

The tick in my jaw was going off.

"Do tell." I managed to get out through clenched teeth.

"Yes. But first, I think I would like to have a nice cup of tea."

"Allow me." Gee, I hope he didn't sense my sarcasm.

No wait, yes I do.

So, I fixed the batty old codger a cup of tea. Which I thoroughly regretted- as it prompted him to recite his usual speech on how badly he thought I needed a vacation.

...And he also asked to join me on my afternoon 'jogs down the corridor'.

...

Sarcastic bum.

I waited for him to finish his tea, all the while staring at him with a look of deepest loathing on my face, when finally he stood up.

"I thank you for your hospitality, Professor, and I do hope you will consider my advice."

That being said, he drew his wand from his robe pocket, conjured up some vacation brochures, gave them to me, and took his leave.

I stared at the brochures. Surely, the Headmaster must be joking--the stack consisted of brochures for Theme Parks, Water Parks, and...

...a nude beach.

...

Just at that precise moment, a swift knock came at my dungeon door before it was thrust open, and in walked none other than Professor Lupin.

"Professor Snape! I was wondering if you had finished brewing my po..."

He stopped dead in his tracks, looking down at the brochure I had in my hands.

A few moments of dead silence followed, before a grin stretched Lupin's face and he looked at me with a rather... disturbing... glint in his eye.

"Planning a vacation, Professor?"

The red rose in my face, as I mouthed wordlessly at him.

"Ah ah!" He raised a hand. "No need to explain. Your personal life is none of my business..."

I snapped my mouth shut and felt even more color run to my face as my hands began to shake in anger.

"...However, I may be so bold as to say that I myself would fancy another trip to this beach- quite a lovely place, you see- and would be delighted to accompany you if you feel so inclined."

Silence. He stood there, hands in his pockets, and a grin firmly planted on his face.

Unfortunately, this did not create the impression that he was joking.

"GET OUT! You... you... nutty tit!!" Surely there was steam coming out of my ears, if there hadn't been already....

Just for good measure, I reached behind me and threw the first thing that my hands landed on at him.

.... Which, unfortunately, happened to be a box of condoms.

He picked the box off of the floor, thanked me for the lovely parting gift, and pranced out of my dungeon before I had time to properly hex him.

This left me alone, fuming and muttering a stream of swear words and curses, while I contemplated just how a box of condoms made its way onto my desk. I looked around to my desk, and saw a note placed on the surface where the box had apparently been sitting.

"Enjoy the beach.

-Dumbledore"