The Bite Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the dorm
Not a creature was stirring—except for the swarm
Of flesh-eating bumblebees James had cut loose
To annoy his friend Peter, who wouldn’t call truce

I longed for my room, and my four-poster bed
But with the Marauders ‘twas chaos instead
The air reeked of Dungbombs, the floor dripped with snot
And Remus was missing—this happened a lot

Then out on the grounds there arose such a clatter
I picked through the slime to see what was the matter
A bee stung my bottom, a cup bit my nose
But I got to the window and stood on my toes—

The moon on the snow made the lawn bright as day
My heart leapt with joy as I saw the large sleigh
But that wasn’t Santa--I trembled with fear--
Eight cruel fanged beasts in the place of reindeer!

Perched proud on his broomstick, their leader stayed high
He escaped the sharp teeth, but not my sharp eye
‘Twas the Gryffindor Keeper (you know him as James)
And he herded the monsters and knew all their names:

"Now Slasher! Now Lancer! Now Padfoot and Moony!
On Vomit! On Stupid! On Goner and Goony!
To the depths of the woods! To the deepest of caves!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away, braves!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So into the forest the werewolves they flew,
With the sleigh filled with toys and my boyfriend James, too.

And then, in a twinkling, I mounted my broom
And followed him off to what seemed certain doom
We came to a cottage, and James gave a high call
He shouted for Remus to tear down the wall!

I wouldn’t have known him, this boy from my class
As he led seven others to howl and break glass
He was covered with fur, hackles rose on his back
And he looked like an alpha in charge of his pack.

His eyes -- how they glistened! his canines how scary!
His paws were like snowshoes, his face was all hairy!
His lips were curled back from his teeth in a roar,
And the beard of his chin was all spotted with gore;

The stump of an arm he held tight in his teeth,
And the blood it dripped down on his chest like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a very full belly,
That shook when he growled like a bowlful of jelly

He was drooling and horrid, a fiend from the tomb
And I screamed when I saw him, and fell off my broom;
A gleam of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I was better off dead;

But before he could bite me, the door opened up
And a she-wolf came out, followed by a cute pup
Moony went to the sleigh and he dragged out some toys
Which he handed around to the wolf girls and boys

I sprang to my broom, and James led me up high,
And we clasped hands and watched, and each gave a deep sigh
And Remus’ message rang clear through his bark:
"Merry Christmas to all, even Creatures of Dark!"

 _____