The Telltale Parchment

The Telltale Parchment

JAMES! James, I NEED your help!

And a big hello to you too, Padfoot.

James, I think I've gone mental.

So after all these years you're finally admitting it, eh? Good work.

I'm totally serious here, James. I had a weird, perverted dream last night and it wasn't about me, you, or wormtail.

Uh-oh. You better tell Dr. Jamsie about it.

Okay...well...the basic idea is...oh never mind it's too weird.

What could possibly we weirder than the last dream you had?

I thought we agreed to forget about the last dream I had.

I've tried, believe me. Anyway, what could be worse?

Two hamsters getting it on.

What?

I tried to tell them they were doing it all wrong, but it's like they couldn't even hear me!

WHOAH that must've been extremely difficult to watch!

Probably scarred me for life, but I'm still trying to figure out why I would have a dream like that.

I dunno, maybe you ate something funky for dinner last night.

Well...the chicken ala king sort of tasted like fried hamster flesh...maybe that was it.

Don't be stupid, Sirius. You don't know what a fried hamster tastes like.

Yes I do. My cousin Bellatrix fed one to me once.

You ate a hamster?

I thought it was a chicken wing!

How can you mistake a hamster for a chicken wing?

They taste the same! I only realized it was a hamster when I spit out the skull.

Ew.

TELL me about it.

But I'll bet that was enough to get even you off wings for a while, eh?

Are you KIDDING? Nothing beats the taste of a chicken wing. Not even hamster meat.

Okay...ew...you're not saying you liked it are you...?

It was a bit stringy, but other than that it was fine.

Can we stop now? We're about to eat lunch.

Oh. Right. Anyway, so you think my dinner was the cause of this nightmarish experience?

Yeah, I think I now have reason to believe eating hamsters causes nightmares.

So I'm not mental! Thank you, thank you!

Hang on, I never said you weren't mental.

Gee, Prongs.

Anytime. Hey, wanna bug Moony?

Ooh! HEY! MOONY!

Sorry, guys. Full moon is coming up and I really have to get my homework in early.

Butbutbut--

Sorry. I'll talk to you lot at lunch. Bye!

Well, that was a waste of parchment.

Never mind him, he's a party pooper.

Well said.

So when were you planning on telling me why you wake up so early every morning? You don't usually wake up until the last possible minute, or until Moony and I have to drag you out of bed. What's going on?

Nothing, I just feel like getting up early lately, that's all.

Yeah, right. MOONY!

What now?

Have you noticed how James has been getting up so early every morning? You are like the bearer of infinite wisdom, and I have a feeling he's not doing it to study more.

Wow, Sirius, I thought that was obvious.

Can we please skip the part where you make me feel stupid and just tell me???

He's waking up early because Lily wakes up early. He goes to breakfast around the same time she does, therefore allowing him to have a clear view of her for at least five minutes every morning.

Damn. He's good.

HAHAHA! So THAT'S why you've been sneaking off so early every morning! Sneakin' a peek at Lilykins, eh Lover-boy?

This is exactly why I didn't tell you before.

Or are you doing something else? I'll bet you have. I'll bet you even used the broom cupboard I showed you. You know, the little one under the stairs? I'll bet you have. I should've known.

You just LOVE to assume, don't you?

And you HAVE to admit the bra I found in your bed was Lily's. There is NO other explanation.

Alright. Fine. It's hers. Happy now?

IKNEWITIKNEWITIKNEWIT!

But she didn't leave it there. I stole it.

Sirius, don't encourage him to stop waking himself up. I'm actually enjoying it. That way, WE don't have to wake him up, see?

Yeah, you're right...I don't exactly miss having to wrestle his teddy bear away from him every morning.

Or pulling off his covers and rolling him on the floor.

And then pulling off his boxers and hearing him scream, "COLD FLOOR! COLD FLOOR!"...Although I'll admit that's pretty amusing.

But we usually end up threatening to behead his teddy bear.

Okay, threatening to behead someone's bear is really just plain mean.

But it works. I love how you spring alive just as the "Decapitation Ceremony" begins.

"NOOOOOOOOO! NOT MR. TEDDY STUFFIKINS! ANYTHING BUT HIM! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

He's the only thing besides Lily that you'll sleep with, and he's the only thing besides Lily that makes you look like a glazed ham.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

"IT'S OKAY TEDDY, I WON'T LET THOSE MEAN BOYS BEHEAD YOU! I LOVE YOU MR. TEDDY STUFFIKINS!"

I GET IT, SIRIUS.

Mwaha. One for me and none for you!

Don't think I don't know that you still have that stuffed puppy in your pillowcase.

You still have that bloody puppy?

How did you know about Snuffles Jr.?

Divination.

I thought you hated Divination.

I'm using it to my advantage. MWAHA!

Guys, I'll talk to you later. I'm behind.

Fine. One for you. And by the way, I know what Lily did with our notes.

AAAAAND???

She kinda read them....

AAAAAND??????

She...er...didn't know you felt that way about her.

Great. Spiffing. Now I have to sit with her at lunch and do some ma-a-ajor damage control.

Sorry.

I am SO ignoring you right now.

I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry! Forgive me?

No. Way.

Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?

I can force myself to resist the puppy face, you know.

???

Even the lower lip thing.

Fine. What do you command of me?

Beg. Beg for forgiveness on bended knee.

Now?

Yes. Now. Do it.

NOW will you forgive me?

You are forgiven.

Yay!

I'm so generous.

Thank you, oh Merciful Prongs. Now, if you don't mind me asking yet another question that I meant to ask you yesterday but totally forgot about....

Shoot.

Do you think I should get a steady girlfriend? I mean...you're like "Mr. Crazy-In-Love" and I'm...well...not.

I dunno, Sirius. You're more of a "Mr. One-Night-Stand" kinda guy.

Yeah, that's true, but am I missing anything?

No, not really. It's not all what it's cracked up to be. The flowers, the candy, the mushy cards...a guy like you would die of complete fluff-overload if not complete stress.

How do you know?

Do not question my wisdom, Padfoot...

As you command, oh fluffy one.

Sirius...what were you doing on the floor a second ago?

Oh, that. I was begging for forgiveness.

Oh, I see. And did it work?

I forgave him, being the generous, merciful being I am.

Yeah...right...

Why? What did you think I was doing?

Peter thought you were proposing.

Proposing what?

Never mind.

Moony, I just remembered something. Yesterday at lunch you were reading your Defense Against the Dark Arts book...again.

Yeah...what's so wrong with that?

What's WRONG? Padfoot, if you will....

Certainly, Prongs. Yesterday I levitated a meatloaf right on Snape's head, and what were you doing?

Looking up the origins of the Patronus Charm.

Hey, the Patronus Charm could come in handy one day, James. And Sirius, I've seen you levitate a meatloaf on Snape's head so many times it's beginning to lose it's comic spark.

GASP!

NEVER!

James, I think we've been foiled.

Another GASP!

NEVER!

Right. Well, I'll be off again I guess.

Oh come on, Moony! I bet you've read about this stuff LOADS of times before!

Yeah I know, Moony. Geez.

So what's the point of taking notes on anything if you already know everything because there couldn't be anything to learn if you know everything and knowing anything more than everything is overkill if you ask me.

Bloody hell, James...I went cross-eyed just from reading that...

So you'll stay?

Yeah, sure. Class is just about over anyway.

It is? Dammit!! I wanted to play a game!

Which game?

The one where we all write a word and it makes a sentence.

Oh. We can just do that in detention tonight.

Peter asks what's for lunch.

Why doesn't he just pass notes with us?

Broken quill.

Oh.

Tell him we have a story about a hamster we'd like to share during lunch....

~*~End of Class~*~