Things I Have But Could Have Done Without

Chapter Three - Protect the Heart

Bloody hell, this music is tedious. The bathroom at the muggle club is down a long hallway, some distance from the main floor. So mostly I feel the loud thum-thum-thum through the walls rather than hear it. Although I love to dance, this stuff all sounds about the same to me. Same bloody lyrics about some pathetic girl who's desperate for the affections of some wanker who can't keep his hands off other girls.

I suppose I'm more into alternative stuff. Although, as I think on it, everything I like is about some poor bloke who's desperate for the affections of some slag who can't keep her hands of other blokes. I snort at myself in the mirror at the notion.

A stall door opens behind me and a girl catches me laughing at myself, and eyes me suspiciously as she washes her hands. She slips out without making eye contact. No worries. She probably just thinks I'm high. If only. Instead, I'm waiting to be alone so I can make a change.

I came here with the tarty university student look. Clean, straight, blonde hair, swept up, with tight jeans and an even tighter top. As if I'm just a regular girl who goes to lessons all week and goes out on the weekend to pretend she's looser than she actually is. And I've been complaining about what a drag school is to all the tossers I've let buy me a drink so I can ask them questions.

Because I'm not here for fun tonight. As if there was fun to be had here. I'm here on assignment for the Order. Recon, actually. Although this is a muggle club, it is well-known to be frequented by wizards as well. And it attracts the same type of wizards as it does muggles: young, horny, and not too clever. This makes it prime Death Eater recruitment territory.

Anyway, for almost an hour I've been chatting up this athletic looking wizard at the bar, Ted. No, Ed. Anyway, he's been telling me about some "secret society" he's been asked to join. All it took was revealing that I'm a witch and a couple of brushes up against him in strategic places and he was spilling it like a leaky goblet.

"Really, it's quite an honor to be approached," he said. "Centuries old, this group. Bit like a fraternal order. Brotherhood of purebloods, if you will."

Merlin, what an idiot. They're going to use you as a mercenary, you arse. He's been lapping it up, this shite they've been feeding him.

"Well, they know how to pick 'em, I'd say," I offered with a smile. Moving in a bit closer, my thighs were just close enough to him that he needed to spread his legs a bit to accommodate me. Yep, he likes this just fine. All defences down. "It sounds really exciting. How'd you hear about this society?"

"Some witch approached me. Said she and her husband were officers of the organization, and always looking for young, exemplary wizards who care about our history. Working to preserve our proud heritage. I told her I'd be honored to join."

"I don't blame you. I'm a bit worried, myself, when I see the direction our people are moving in. Mudbloods at the Ministry, half breeds all over the place. It's a different world today." I'm such a good liar I scare myself sometimes.

He looked so pleased at my disclosure, and it's like the floodgates were opened. "Tell me about it! Hey, you know, why don't you come with me? It's just an informational meeting . . ."

After a couple more minutes, I'd gotten everything I need. Not a moment too soon, either, since Ed's hands were starting to get a bit too familiar with my hips and arse. So I excuse myself to the loo, suggesting that when I return maybe we could 'head out.' Thought he might lose it right there.

And now, I'm in front of the mirror, deciding what I'd like to look like when I walk back past him undetected, to the table where Kingsley has been sitting, watching the whole scene transpire. I'm thinking long, straight and blue hair. And paler skin. Scrunch of the face, concentrate. There. I transfigure my clothes a bit. More black, less color. Skirt instead of jeans. Bit of black around the eyes. More punk. More me. Good look, actually. Will have to remember this one.

I walk back past the bar and barely suppress my eyerolling as Ed checks out my arse, oblivious to the fact that it's the same one he's been groping for half an hour. Approaching Kingsley's booth and sliding in, I pretend I'm just arriving. He smiles and keeps up the charade, leaning in to whisper in my ear. Like a lover.

But when his lips are against my ear, his manner changes entirely. I can feel his irritation as his low voice rumbles, "That was a stupid thing to do, Tonks. Let's get the hell out of here."

********************

"Pepper-up potion," I hiss through my teeth. There is a small click, but I am too impatient to wait for the door to move of its own volition. I heave against it and inadvertently send it banging against the wall.

"Filthy mudblood! How dare you disgrace the house of my fathers with your insolent clumsiness! Your pitiful mother is an abomination to the noble name of Black!"

"Mother! Shut the hell up!" Thankfully, Sirius is quick on the uptake, getting the curtains closed amidst the shrill screams. He looks at me with annoyance, but I'm not expected to say anything. He's not truly angry.

I follow him as he returns to the parlor, to find Remus on the settee before the fire. There is a half-empty bottle of Ogden's on the table next to him, and it seems the two of them have been having some sort of little pity party here tonight. Perfect.

I stand there looking from one to the other, without speaking.

Finally Sirius breaks the silence. "How was your night?"

I don't answer. Instead, I turn, walk into the kitchen, retrieve a glass form the cabinet, and return to the parlor. It makes a little plunk as I set it down on the table next to the firewhiskey, before plopping myself down on the settee next to Remus.

"That good, yeah?" Sirius asks. He's already back lounging in the overstuffed chair, feet up on the table, chuckling at me. I ignore him and turn to Remus.

"Share," I say, nodding to the bottle. He raises an eyebrow at me. "It wasn't a request, Remus."

Remus smiles and pours; Sirius hoots at my blatant bitchiness.

"Shut up, Sirius. I'm tired. And Kingsley's on my arse because I morphed during the assignment tonight. He thinks it was a stupid thing to do, could have given me away."

"How so?" Remus asks calmly, handing me my drink.

"Forgot to change the boots." I place my Docs up on the table, admiring again the way they look with my tights and short skirt. Some looks are just plain classic.

Sirius and Remus exchange some sort of look, and Sirius states with mock indifference, "I don't think anyone was looking at the boots."

"That's what I said!" I yell. "The bloke was too busy probing the rest of my body with his grubby paws. I could have been barefoot and he wouldn't have noticed." Remus chokes a bit on his drink.

Sirius continues to smirk. "What did Shacklebolt say?"

"Said I should have just given him the signal and apparated out of there, as planned. That I'm too green to be making changes to the plan and that I should just follow orders."

They both wince excessively, knowing how much I hate references to my youth and/or inexperience. It's my weakness, I know. I'm overly sensitive about it. But still, I made it through training just like everyone else, and I've proven myself a dozen times over by now. Sometimes I feel as if I'll be in the Department twenty years and still be the bloody new kid. Finally taking a breath, I knock back my drink in one swallow and place it back next to the bottle.

"Fill 'er up, Remus. And no girly size serving this time, please." When I look at him, I notice he's a bit dressed up. He looks great. Oh, wait -

"Speaking of lovely evenings, what are you doing here, Remus? Aren't you supposed to be painting the town tonight with your lady friend?" I'm being cheeky, I know, but I love seeing this man squirm.

He looks a bit embarrassed, but I don't think it's at my ribbing. He hands me my drink again, but ignores my question. I look to Sirius for enlightenment.

"Moony's night didn't quite go as planned, Tonks."

Remus gives Sirius a warning look, but is grinning, so I feel it's safe to tease, "She didn't put out, eh, Remus?"

He gives me a playful jab on the leg for my impertinence, and again looks at Sirius, who can barely contain himself. "Go on and tell her, then, Moony. It's just Tonks."

Remus looks at me with a grimace and says, "Emmeline told me she's in love with me." Sirius roars with laughter, as if it's the first time he's heard this story.

I'm rather gobsmacked by this news, I'll admit. Still, I say the first thing that comes to my mind. "Well, of course she is. You honestly didn't see this coming?"

"No, not really. We'd been out a couple of times, but I thought the whole thing was very casual. I didn't think it was going anywhere."

Sirius pipes in, still laughing. "Well, to be honest, Remus, you were hoping it might lead to something, but of a more casual nature." I'm starting to be a bit annoyed with Sirius. Remus looks upset about the situation, and I think he would be even more embarrassed had they not already been drinking for awhile. In fact, sober, I'm sure he'd avoid the conversation entirely.

He looks at me again, and explains, "I feel badly. It wasn't my intention to mislead her. She's really great."

"Then what's the problem?" I know I've only had a couple of drinks, but I think I'm missing something.

"Remus has a rule about women." Rule? Okay, I'm interested. I look at Remus for explanation and he concedes.

"It's not a rule so much as a guide to trouble-free living."

"What the hell does that mean?" I ask. He slowly rakes his hands through his hair, thinking. Lets out a big exhale. This is what I love about Remus. He's searching for the right words, trying to put something delicately, so as not to offend my female sensibilities. As if I didn't just tell him five minutes ago that I dry-humped some stranger at a bar to get information out of him.

"Remus?"

"Here's the thing, Tonks. Given my situation - "

"His monthly problem - " Sirius buts in.

"I think she knows of which situation I speak, Sirius." Sirius puts both hands up in acknowledgment, and then gestures for him to go on.

"A committed relationship is just not an option for me. I've never had one that didn't end badly. Love and lycanthropy just don't mix. So, over the years, I've developed this - system - for avoiding a poor outcome for all concerned parties." A 'poor outcome'? Is he serious when he talks like this?

"And that system is?"

"I keep things platonic with women in my life that I care about, and conduct, er, physical relationships with those who I'm not close with."

"Like a one-night-stand, or something?"

"Something like that, I suppose."

It seems Sirius can no longer refrain from jumping in again. "Moony will only sleep with women he either doesn't know, or knows well enough to determine they're not a risk."

"A risk?" I ask.

"A risk for actually feeling something for. He doesn't let women close to him."

Remus looks affronted now. "That's not fair, Sirius. I am close with many women."

"Ah, but not those you've slept with?"

Remus gives a little sideways nod of the head toward Sirius, apparently a concession of sorts. Still, this isn't adding up for me. Maybe it's the firewhiskey. Or maybe talking about Remus's love life interests me more than I thought it did. Anyway, now I'm curious, so I press a tad more.

"So let me get this straight, then? You're okay with physical intimacy, and close relationships with women are allowed, but not both at the same time?"

He sighs at the dead horse beating, but looks at me and answers my question anyway. "Yes, I suppose that's about the size of it."

"That's too bad, Remus." I mean it, it is. What a waste.

I look up and find him looking at me thoughtfully. He looks like he's about to say something more when Sirius busts in loudly.

"That's typical Moony, though, Tonks," he laughs, "protect your heart at all costs, that's his motto. Isn't it Moony?"

For a moment Remus looks a bit indignant, as if he might deny this charge, but then he must realize the futility of it. Here, in this house, we three relinquished many other secrets over the first few months we were here, usually on nights like this. Hiding anything has become challenging, and well - unnecessary. Instead, he sighs and says quietly, "It's not a bad strategy, though, you have to admit."

"If you say so, Moony." And with this, Sirius rises, and keens a bit before steadying himself. "Shite, had a bit too many tonight, I suppose. Still, not like I've got to be at the office early tomorrow, yeah? See you lot tomorrow. Oh, and Tonks?"

"Yeah?"

"The blue hair is nice, and the skirt is hot. What boots?"

"'Night, Sirius."

But I'm not ready to turn in yet. The fire is warm and it's comfortable here with Remus, especially without Sirius's goading. I reach for the Ogden's and pour myself another drink. Then I take off the offending boots and tuck my feet under me on the settee. Remus seems to settle more comfortably, too, as if he's planning to stay as well. I'm glad.

Then, he says quietly, "He thinks he's the only prisoner of this house, of the Order. But he's not." I'm not sure if he's talking about his own situation, or offering me sympathy. As for me, I'm not really feeling all that pitiable at the moment. I'm pretty good about where I am right now.

We just sit there for a few, enjoying the quiet without my cousin, when I break the silence. "So, Emmeline . . .?" Just wondering.

"I told her I wasn't looking for a relationship. That I just wanted to be friends." He looks so bloody guilty at this admission.

I reach out and rub his arm with my hand, on top of which he immediately places his own warm one and gives a gentle squeeze. "You know, Remus. It's not your fault she's fallen for you. Really, what witch wouldn't?"

He turns his eyes to me with a look of gratitude, for the compliment I assume. He thinks I'm humoring him. I'm not.