I'm Not Dead!

Author's Notes: Ah, sweet Alternate Universe parody fun! The main references here should be obvious, but cookies to anyone who recognizes the completely unrelated one! Partially inspired by a piece of AU Weasley Twins fanart by olafpriol on deviantArt.com, though not the one quoted below.

"NOT MY BROTHER YOU BITCH!"
-George, "Deathly Hallows- NMDYB" (fanart piece by olafpriol)

If anyone had the worst job in the Wizarding World, it was that of the St. Mungo's morgue crew in charge of cleaning up after the Battle of Hogwarts. Almost none of them enjoyed doing this sort of thing in general, let alone after such a massive battle.

In fact, the only halfway-cheerful one of the lot was a hooded figure known only as "Madam Gnilwor" who occasionally called out, "Bring out your dead!" Any survivors with Muggle relatives were disgusted by that, but only shot nasty glances at her. While Gnilwor wasn't in charge of the operation, something about her made them fear that angering her would cause the crew to leave them to clean up the mess, which wouldn't be good. Doing so was probably against regulations, but why take chances?

And so the cleanup went on uninterrupted as bodies were brought out from the castle and collected from the grounds, each carefully piled onto one of many magically-expanded carts pulled by black, winged horses. That is, until Gnilwor spotted a familiar pair of redheaded wizards coming outside. One was carrying the other, who was slumped against his bearer's back.

"I still don't understand what happened..." muttered the latter, dazed. A short time ago, he had woken up from an odd sort of deep, dreamless sleep to find himself all but completely paralyzed and surrounded by mourning friends and family members. They'd explained what had happened, but it had made little sense, and given the circumstances he wasn't thinking too clearly at the moment.

"Apparently you've been mostly dead for a few hours, Gred," George replied, ignoring Gnilwor's beckoning gestures and slowly heading toward Hogsmeade so they could Apparate away. The rest of the family was busy inside either getting medication and instructions or helping with cleanup. "'Least that's what Healer Dunamis Maximus called it. Said you should be back to normal in a few days, though."

"Mostly dead? How the bloody hell did that happen? Ranks right up there with Nick's botched beheading, that does." Both the Healers and Madam Pomfrey had been completely baffled by his unexpected revival, though one of the former had guessed that Fred had just been in some sort of coma.

"No idea. Either way, I'm glad you didn't completely cop it. I couldn't imagine life without you."

"Or I without you, Forge." Fred managed a weak sort of squeeze, his strength ever so slowly returning. It wasn't exactly a proper one since his arms were draped stiffly around his twin's neck, but the sentiment was still there.

Annoyed, Gnilwor stomped over to in front of them, halting their progress. "Here, that's not necessary. Let me take him off your hands."

"I'm not dead!" Fred replied indignantly. Hadn't she been paying attention?!

"What?!"

"He's not dead, so piss off!" George tried to go around her, but again his path was blocked.

"This is impossible! You're supposed to be dead!"

"I got better," Fred replied, then gave Gnilwor a curious look. "And don't you mean I was supposedly dead?"

"This... This goes against regulations! I have a list of names, and you're on it!" She pointed a finger at Fred.

"Well cross it off, I'm not going anywhere except back to Auntie Muriel's!"

"Don't be such a baby."

George let Fred's right leg drop and brandished his wand. "You can't take him!"

"I feel fine!" Never mind that most of Fred's extremities were currently on strike; he was still among the living, and that was what mattered. "If you want a Weasley, take Percy instead! He deserves it more than I do!"

"You're not fooling anyone, you know!" Gnilwor snapped as she whipped out her own wand, the business end of which was carved so that it looked like the tip of a Muggle fountain pen. "I order you to come with me immediately!"

"Order, eh? Just who the bloody hell are you anyway?!"

"And don't say you're with St. Mungo's, either," added George, who was growing tired of this argument and of carrying his heavy brother. Using Mobilicorpus would have been easier, but this way Fred could salvage some shred of dignity. "That doesn't fit with what you've told us."

"Who am I?!" She threw her head back, causing the hood to fall and reveal her face and medium-length blonde hair. "I'll have you know that I am your Creator! The literary mastermind behind you two, Harry, the Dark Lord, the entire Wizarding World!" During that last part, Gnilwor spread her arms wide, as if to encompass it all. "Everything was going exactly as I'd decreed until you," here she pointed her strange wand at Fred, "defied all logic by coming back to life!"

At first the twins just stared at her, then started laughing. "Pull the other one!" Fred told her. "If you're really our Creator, then you should know by now-"

"-that we give most authority the finger-"

"-seeing as you made us that way!"

"What's going on here?" One of the other St. Mungo's workers had heard the commotion and come to see what was wrong.

Gnilwor turned toward and opened her mouth to reply with an excuse, but George beat her to it. "This old bat's got a Creator complex. Said she was the mastermind behind our world and everyone in it, and that my brother here's supposed to be dead according to her evil plans."

"He's lying!" Gnilwor said accusingly. "Why would I say such rubbish? I'm only doing my job!"

But the older wizard was giving her curious looks. "You know, I don't remember seeing you before today, come to think of it."

"What?!" cried the twins in disbelief.

"You mean your lot just let her come along without so much as a background check?!" asked Fred.

"With something this big, we needed all the manpower we could get on short notice. She volunteered and was dressed like the rest of us, so we didn't suspect anything."

George smacked his forehead, and Fred would've done the same if he'd been able to. "I don't bloody believe this. Someone infiltrates the morgue staff and no one cares until she tries to take away someone who's clearly still alive!"

"Sorry for the trouble, I'll see that it doesn't happen again." Gnilwor made a move to leave, but was stopped with "Locomotor mortis!" The morgue wizard then turned to one of his coworkers. "Oi, Harker! Get an Auror or two over here, we've got an imposter on our hands!"

Harker gave him a confused look before heading back into the castle. But by the time he returned with Aurors in tow, Fred and George had already moved on, having said their piece. However, they were still close enough to hear Gnilwor screaming, "You can't do this to me! I am your Creator! I made you, can UN-make you, and make another set of wizards just like you only with less brains! Or worse, put you in the Centaur Liason Office, how'd you like that?! Honestly, characters think they can get away with anything I haven't made canon..."

The pair of them laughed as she carried on before being cut off by a few Stunning Spells. "If she's so 'all-powerful,' then why didn't she just wave that funny-looking wand of hers and set things back to the way she thinks they should be?" Fred pondered out loud as the outskirts of Hogsmeade came into view.

"She's obviously a poser who's off her nut," George reasoned, shaking his head a bit. "For that matter, why was she making threats instead of just doing what she claimes she can?" Abruptly, George looked down when something started twitching near his left hand.

With some effort, Fred looked down as well. "Oh look, my foot's finally decided to start cooperating again."

George grunted as he shifted his weight and headed into the village, where celebrations had already begun. A handful of other survivors had recently come through to deliver the good news that Voldemort was dead at last. "Well, it's a start. Better hope the rest follows before Mum gets hold of you, she'll be a nightmare until you're on your feet again, and then some."

"Tell me about it..." Fred considered something for a few minutes, then grinned and whispered, "Unless I can get her to wait on me hand and foot regardless of whether or not I'm mobile again."

"Worth a shot, though I'll have to pretend that I sprained something while carrying you or she's liable to make me play servant instead." Not that he would have minded too much given it was Fred, but his addendum to the plan would be much more fun.

"Excellent, then she'll have to wait on us both!" He paused for a moment, then made a face. "Ah, but then she'd haul you off to St. Mungo's and find out you were only faking it."

"Unless I really sprain something. Hmm..."

"We'll think of something." The quiet plotting continued until they finally reached the Apparition point and disappeared with a loud CRACK.

*Fin?*