The Diary of Blaise Zabini (Girl Wonder)

Day___________Page Number_______

Dear Diary,

Okay, who gives a Hoot, (eff that hurt.) what day it is? Nobody f-uc...OUCH! Good ole Uncle Snape isn't pleased with my language the old coot.

So you know what that moth- OUCH!

Did? He put a f- spell on my quills. Every time I try to write a cu-swear word my quill stabs me.

That's right...my quill is now a kleptomaniac...or a serial killer...I dunno, whatever. When I get a lawyer...I am sooo suing his ass off...

WHO'D BE THE POWERFULL ONE THEN!

Sorry for that little psycho brain spasm...anyways as I was saying.

I know you must be thinking, well get another quill then you dipshi-bag, but he said that if anyone lends my a quill they get two months,

TWO FU-C! HOLY JESUS MOTHER MARY THE VIRGIN!

That was painful. Godda- WILL YOU STOP IT? Stupid good for nothing quill. Completely useless. How am I supposed to get my anger out if he enchants my quill? I tried, "Finite Incantation." Of course but that only made it worse.

Alright so as I was saying, Uncle Sevi...the sweet hearted, liberal unbiased generous man said that if anyone lends me a quill for the next two months...TWO MONTHS! He said that they would receive six months worth off detention....WITH FLICH!

I'm sorry, but do things get more horrific then that?

And I'm sorry, no one would lend me a quill anyway...I don't have any friends, do I?

So, because of my boredom... (Wow me, bored? There's a first) I wrote Mum a letter. It went like this.

Dear Mum,

You twins the how are and? Treating they well are you? Candy the man me gave lemon sherbet a. Ice God meanie mini is a. Ice big God too is. Bad man candy school often come. Bad Candy man like Sev Uncle doesn't. Alright school is. Good school at I. Purple and orange, Candy wear man blue spectacles is oranges. Me is Learning spells. Potions is good at. All the news that is.

Love,

Blaise.

I know, I know you are probably like..."What the h-e...heck?" Well, let's just say my father is a death eater, and my mother is a spy. Kind of stupid for me to just put that out there in the middle of my journal eh? I mean what if some one steals this and posts it in I'm helping her spy. My father thinks I'm still dyslexic so that letter seems perfectly normal, except it's a code. When my mother sees it, she'll really be reading,

Dear Mum,

How are you and the twins? Dad's not hitting you again is he? Dumbledore gave me a message for you; I'll send it in my next letter. Draco Malfoy acts like a deatheater in training, and Mr. Malfoy who I've seen on several occasions is still as prejudice, sarcastic, and aristocratic as ever, meaning he still believes in Voldemort's ways. Minister Fudge has been up and back to the school recently, but he comes at odd times, like the middle of the night, I don't trust Fudge much and neither should you. Fudge is angry at Uncle Severus about something. I know he doesn't like Uncle Severus much but we'll have to find out about that, won't we? There's not really any death eater activity at school. But I heard two Gryffindoors talking about a "Sorcery's Stone." I'll keep you posted on that. I've heard a lot of invaluable rumors and whispers, mostly the other Serphants wishing it was the old days. No one seems to know about Uncle Severus's old job, except Malfoy Jr. Although considering the line of work he is in this is hardly a surprise. That's basically all the news I have so far, I've only been in school a week you know.

Love.

Blaise.

You see all the information my mother needs is in a code, oh joy is mine. They should really make a book out of this, can you imagine? Well at least it's not some orphan boy with a tragic past defeating some dark wizard...oh wait. That's Potter's job.

Yours,

Blaise Zabini, researching the meaning of life

Day, September 13, 1993 -Page Number: 11

Dear Diary,

Do you know what is EXTREMELY odd? I keep having these Dreams where Voldemort is Elmer Fudd and Harry Potter is Bugs Bunny. Elmer Fudd is obsessed with catching Bugs Bunny, but he never will. It's inevitable that in the end the bad guy is going to lose. The bad guy always loses. Think about it.

World War Two...The Nazis and the Japs LOST. The Revolutionary war. Well we lost but we were really the bad guys in this. I don't know many muggle wars after that, what a pity. But that's not the point. It's inevitable that the good guys win, inevitable. I mean Voldemort lost last time, didn't he? So, I guess it'll all turn right in the end. I guess...Well I hope....As long as Potter doesn't start to say, "What's up Doc?" Then the apocalypse would be here.

Okay, I've just come to realize that I am having deep thoughts about muggle cartoons. Not only is this sad, it's rather disturbing as well.

Yours Forever,

Blaise Zabini, contemplating cartoons.

Day September 13, 1193 -Page Number: 13

Dear Diary,

My life is nothing but an endless stream of pointless classes, sexual harassment, toaster oven cooked food cravings, and general all in all, oddness. It comes with the territory of being an inbred pureblood you see. My father is my mother's third cousin...and all I have to say is ewwwwww. Eww. Ew. Cousins of any kind doing the no-no is just well--EW!

I suppose you must have realized how I'm always talking about hating Malfoy. I suppose you probably wonder, why do I hate him? I mean, if he wasn't such a whiny thing, I'd think he was a hot piece of ass. Unfortunately, once I'm seventeen, it won't matter what I think. Yes that's right because I'll become the legal property of the Malfoy family. My father signed the "stupid" (can't say bad words cause of the stupid quill anymore) before my mother had even given birth to me. I'll become a member of their family. So basically, my father has given any girl in the family up for adoption to the highest ranking purebloods he can find. When I'm seventeen some sort of ceremony will give me some Malfoy blood and make me part of their line. I don't know what the hell my father is giving Lord Malfoy to take me in, or what Malfoy's paying my father, but it's gotta be good. It darn well better be good!

The thing is, once I'm taken in as a member of the family, they can do whatever the heck they want with me. I will have no legal rights. None....Do you realize how utterly and grossly wrong that it is? I mean they could rape me, force me to beat myself, whatever, it's almost as bad as being under the imperious...well I wouldn't really know.

Maybe I need to figure out more than how a toaster oven works. The Muggle world seems a lot safer.

Night,

Blaise Zabini, decidedly irked

Day__September 14, 1993 -Page Number: 14

Dear Diary,

Muah! Goes the retarded girl! Muah, Muah muah! I know it's wrong for me to laugh but, oh my god. Oh my god. I haven't really laughed so hard in so long, and it's still September. I know it was only some poor woman on Dr. Phil, but well...the sheer hilarity of it amazes me. It's too hard to explain in this diary, and I can't stop my laughter. When this poor woman inhales, it makes the funniest noise.

Did I mention I was completely random?

So, instead I'll tell you something else almost as hysterical as what happened today. Pansy, the snoring slut remarks how Professor Dumbledore's rear was remarkably unsaggy for a man of his age, WHEN SHE WAS WINTHIN EARSHOT OF HIM! He turns around and winks at her! She got so mad. And embarrassed, she could have been expelled for that! I had never seen anyone as flustered as she was. That would be enough to put me off sex forever, but, then again, this is Pansy we're talking about.

Erg. Now that I've written that my mind is filled with rather inappropriate things. Like Pansy, and Dumbledore...together in a R. Kelly kind of way.

Love from,

Blaise Zabini, still laughing and vomiting at the last mental image.

Day: September 15, 1993 -Page Number: 15

Dear Diary,

Horrors of all true horrors.

Today was the worst day of my life. I am so mad! Malfoy never will cease to torment me, will he? (That was a rhetorical question as we all know the answer is NO!) I mean just listen to this conversation we had this morning in the common room.

Malfoy (Who from now on I refer to as ~THE EVIL DEMON OF DOOM~): Good morning Blaise.

Me: Go to heck pervert! (And no I didn't actually say heck, remember the quill problem?

At lunch.

THE EVIL DEMON OF DOOM: Excuse me Blaise, could you please pass the salt?

Me: EF you a-hole! (Again this is the edited version.)

Then I chucked the salt at his head.

During Charms.

THE EVIL DEMON OF DOOM: Blaise that was a really good levitation charm! Do you think you could show me how to flick my wrist properly?

Me: Go have sex (replace that with profanity) with your mother's corpse

Then I threw the Charm's textbook at his head, which lost me five points from Slytherin. Did I ever mention I'm not really a social person?

At Dinner.

THE EVIL DEMON OF DOOM: Blaise could you pass the mashed potatoes over here?

Me: My mashed potatoes! You are all my children!

Can you not see how much of an utter prick that boy is? I mean the nerve of him, giving me that kind of attitude. I mean I'm always such a sweet dear, darling of a girl to him, and then he goes all acting like he's better and badder then me, just cause his family has more money than mine. Ha! At least my Uncle is the head of my house!

Eat that dumbass! Instant good grades!

I'm out,

Blaise Zabini, recently declared officially insane.