To Want to Live: Dumbledore

To Want to Live: Dumbledore

by: Message in a Bottle

Dumbledore had fixed the items Harry had broken that night. It was easy to do. Shame that fixing a young boy's broken heart wasn't so easy. Dumbledore ran a tired hand across his face. He was old, exhausted, and wasn't up to this anymore but he had no choice but to carry on and stumble his way through it.

Dumbledore stood up and made his way towards his window to stare out at the lake. He was visiting Hogwarts daily now to keep up on events and to fortify its wards. There was so much to do. Too much.

If only people would realize that he was only human and not look to him to be their savior. He couldn't save everyone. Some of them just had to save themselves.

He hated having the entire wizarding world and its safety thrust onto his shoulders but he did what had to be done. He would lose some, though. He would lose many and not just students either. Severus was already so far gone that it seemed nothing would bring him back. It was only a matter of time before Severus became a Dark Wizard and did who knew what with the power. What was that Muggle saying that Dumbledore had heard? Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely? Severus had already validated that first part. He was a teacher and abused that power constantly. If he became a Dark Wizard he would abuse that power too and Dumbledore just hoped he wasn't around to see it when the Aurors had to bring him down. Severus was a fool to think Dumbledore would allow him the DADA job. Couldn't the man see how close he was to falling off the edge and Dumbledore was not about to give him the push he needed to fall into complete darkness. The push would come, it was just a matter of time, but Dumbledore wasn't about to be the one to give it.

Dumbledore opened his window and allowed the breeze to ruffle his hair and beard. What was he going to do about Harry? Harry was a much simpler matter to deal with than Severus. Harry wasn't consumed with hatred and bitterness, yet. He had lost Sirius and while that had been a tremendous blow Dumbledore wondered if it hadn't been for the best. He hated to think such things but Sirius hadn't grown up nearly enough to make a decent father figure. Harry needed a calm presence, he needed to learn how to think before he acted, and Sirius was anything but calm and never thought before he acted. Remus would make a much better father figure but Remus didn't want to be one. He was just waiting for Harry to shove him away and would never make the move needed to get close to Harry and neither would Harry. They were both too scared of rejection.

Dumbledore guessed he could step in and be a father to Harry. He already considered Harry to be a son but Dumbledore wasn't sure that was a good idea either. Harry blamed Severus for Sirius's death, that was obvious, but Dumbledore had made the mistake of putting some of the blame of Sirius's death onto Sirius's own shoulder and Harry wouldn't forget that.

Wincing at remembering he ever did something so insensitive as that Dumbledore turned back around and gazed at his room. Full of memories. Many things here were gifts from friends that had long since died. Death was just a part of life and something that Dumbledore had become acquainted with over and over again through the years. He had forgotten the pain that came with losing the first person that was really close to you. Cedric's death had been hard but Harry had never really known the boy just like he had never known his parents Sirius had been different and Dumbledore should have remembered that.

He wasn't perfect, though. He made mistakes. Dumbledore picked up a tome on advanced and complicated transfiguration, a gift from Severus, and wished that with all the second chances he gave people someone would find it in their hearts to give him one too.

A small vivid blue bird flew past Dumbledore's line of vision. The bird perched on his desk and patiently extended its leg. The letter was tiny. Too tiny for Dumbledore to be able to read it. He carefully took the letter off and reached for his wand when the letter expanded to regular size. The bird hopped onto Dumbledore's shoulder and started to preen.

Dumbledore wanted to wait to read it. He had many letters stacked up on his desk that needed answering but whoever had sent it obviously expected an answer right away or the bird wouldn't be waiting. Odd that it was a bird instead of an owl. Not many people used those.

Dumbledore looked at the letter.

Headmaster Albus Dumbledore

No hint there.

He tore it open and read.

Dear Headmaster,

You won't remember me but I was a student at Hogwarts years ago. I'm writing to inquire about the DADA position I heard was available while shopping in Diagon Alley.

I await your response.

Florence Millhouse

Dumbledore stared at the name for a few minutes, stunned, before scribbling a reply and sending it off with the bird.

Florence Millhouse.

The girl Bertha Jorkins had caught Severus kissing behind the greenhouse in his third year. Dumbledore had erased Bertha's memory of that event, not wanting it to leak out, and dearly hoping that Severus's involvement with a Muggle-born Hufflepuff would lead to a drastic change in him but Bertha had destroyed that hope before it had ever really formed. Severus and Florence never saw each other again, as near as he could tell, and Severus had never, not once, mentioned her to Dumbledore and Dumbledore had never mentioned that he knew. It was, given Severus's temper, a subject best left alone.

How would Severus react to this? React to her? How would she react to him? Dumbledore scribbled another note and sent it off with his owl. He needed to know. Severus would be coming by this evening, if he heeded the note, to talk to him and... Dumbledore scribbled another note to all his teachers asking them to come by Hogwarts to discuss the new DADA candidate. Nothing strange there and Severus couldn't get suspicious. This happened every year since Quirrell.

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and wondered what this year was going to bring.