How Not to Have a Birthday

"Bloody fuck!"

"Sirius," Remus explained wearily, setting down his book, "it is not actually necessary to swear at every possible opportunity."

"You bloody idiot," said Sirius. "It's James' birthday." Remus blinked.

"Oh."

This did present a rather significant problem. Three weeks ago, the Marauders- James excluded- had begun planning extensive festivities for their friend's seventeenth birthday, as he was the oldest of the group and thus the first to come of age. Plans had proceeded to the point where the rest of their friends had been let in on the surprise, and then were promptly interrupted by a Gryffindor/Ravenclaw Quidditch match, an overwhelming load of homework, and, only last night, a full moon. This meant that about forty people, not counting James himself, would now be expecting a roaring party that had not been prepared at all.

"Well," Remus said slowly, "I suppose if we go to the kitchens-"

"Yes, right, that," Sirius interrupted. "We're going to have to go to Hogsmeade. I mean, at the very least we need to buy him presents, and we ought to stop by Honeydukes'."

"Have fun."

"You're not going?" Sirius was already beginning to get the look in his eye, the one he got when people said no, Sirius, you can't ride your motorbike off the Astronomy Tower. That time, it had resulted in a flying motorbike. Usually, it was worse.

"Not right after- you know. Yesterday," explained the worn-out werewolf, with a nervous glance around the common room. "Besides, I got James a present ages ago."

"Fine," said Sirius. The look was turning dangerous. "You will stay here. I will take Peter shopping. And you will never know if I hex Snape or make Peter carry all the parcels or enchant hedgehogs to fly around after Lily Evans singing Christmas carols or-"

"All right, all right," said Remus, giving up. "I'll come with you."

"I knew you would," Sirius replied cheerfully, flashing a dazzling grin. "You always do."

"I know. But Sirius?"

"What?"

"D'you think we could pretend that I don't give in to your every mad whim? Seeing as I am a Prefect." Sirius considered this.

"No, probably not."

"Fine."

***

"I really don't think Lily's going to be happy about this," Jennifer said for the fourteenth time, as she unenthusiastically tacked a banner above the door. The instant she let go, it floated gently to the ground, landing on top of a pile of streamers. "I mean, this is really a mess. And you know how Lily gets about messes."

"It will be excellent," Meredith insisted. She bit her tongue as the confetti she had just conjured began to multiply at an alarming rate.

"But Lily never likes people to make a fuss about her birthdays- and everyone else will be having a party in the common room- did you know it's James Potter's birthday too? It's just awkward. Oh, help." The confetti had met up with the streamers, and now they were reproducing as well.

"I'm sure there are plenty of other people who would rather be celebrating with us than with that Potter git," Meredith said calmly.

"I don't know, Mer. All the girls do think he's awfully cute. And some of them aren't really happy with her for having McGonagall take points off at the match- I mean, it's not their fault Sirius was offering a snog for every point Gryffindor won. I know I'd've taken it, if she hadn't been fuming."

"If who hadn't been fuming?" Both girls turned around nervously to face the speaker. Lily's eyes widened as she took in the mess they had made of the girls' dormitory, a place she prized for its cleanliness. "Merlin's beard. What did you think you were doing?"

"Um- throwing you a party?" Jennifer offered. When Lily crossed her arms, she knew it had been the wrong answer.

"This is a party? Jen, this is not a party. A party is games and people having fun. It is not a pile of self-replicating confetti burying my bed! And you've got glitter stuck to the walls- do you know how long that will take to clean up? If you want a party, go to Potter's. I hear it's due to start in about half an hour. Now, if you'll hand me my books, I'm going to the library."

Jennifer handed them over without a word. As Lily stalked from the room, Meredith whistled in disgust. "What is her problem lately?"

"She's been having a tough time of it," Jennifer pointed out. "She has far too many advanced classes this year, and no-one's been very nice to her about it."

"Too true. Potter asked her out three times last week."

"Yeah," said Jennifer, sighing. "She has problems."

***

There was no question of pinching the Invisibility Cloak from James' room; he guarded it with his life, and would never have let even his closest friends use it without knowing the reason. By the time Sirius and Remus reached Honeydukes' basement, the party was thirty minutes overdue.

"Hello," said Sirius brightly to the store's owner, who didn't look at all surprised to see him on what was clearly not a Hogsmeade weekend for the students. "We'd like as much candy as you could possibly help us transport to the Gryffindor common room."

"I'll Floo it through, dear," the plump witch assured him. "And, er, how will you be paying for that?"

"Put it on the Black family tab," he said airily.

"Sirius!" Remus hissed, looking shocked. "It's unethical to use the money of people who hate you without them knowing about it! Actually, it's unethical to use anybody's money without them knowing about it, but somehow this is worse!"

"I imagine it will cost quite a lot of money," said Sirius, beaming. "But it's really all for a good cause, isn't it?"

"No, it isn't."

"Yes, it is."

"James' birthday is not a good cause."

"Of course not. I meant annoying my family." Meanwhile, the witch was rapidly ringing things up, looking more and more pleased all the while. Each time she Summoned a box to the register, the golden numbers hovering above her desk shot out purple sparks as they spun higher and higher, before she sent the box zooming through the fireplace.

"Blood-flavoured lollipops?" she asked hesitantly, a box of the less popular sweets hovering before her.

"N-"

"Yes," said Sirius firmly. "There's a third-year who likes them. Transylvanian bloke, kind of weird-looking. No idea how he stands the things, let alone likes them, but to each his own."

"Perhaps," said Remus patiently, "it's because he's a vampire."

Sirius waved the suggestion away. "Don't be ridiculous. Anyway, we're getting something for everyone. Now, we must be off to Zonko's, or all will be in vain. Please send on anything you think we might want, ma'am, and charge it to Regulus Black. Come on, Remus." He dragged his friend through the door, leaving the witch smiling behind them.

When the door opened again two minutes later, she was too busy to notice.

***

"Oof!" Lily fell to the floor, scattering books all around her. Instantly, she jumped to her feet, snatching at something unseen in front of her, and smiled grimly as she felt her hand close on something that was struggling very hard to get away. "Potter," she announced with satisfaction. "Fancy meeting you here."

When she pulled the Invisibility Cloak away, James Potter was standing there with an expression halfway between sheepish and fuming. She ignored him as she looked the cloak over, inspecting it carefully. "Invisibility Cloak. I suspected something of the sort. You're going to have quite a few detentions for this, Potter."

"Give that back, Evans," James said quietly. Something in his voice made her look up, startled, but the smug smile returned almost instantly.

"Not at your birthday party, Potter? I wonder why. Meeting someone? Or is it worse than that? Please tell me it's worse."

"I will make it worse if you don't give that back."

"Really not helping your case here, you know." He glared at her for a few minutes in what he hoped was a smouldering and attractive manner, and then gave up.

"I'm not having a birthday party," he explained patiently. "My friends didn't throw one, presumably because they are selfish bastards. Now please give that back so I can go to Hogsmeade and get very drunk. I'll take the detention later."

Lily blinked, considering something. After a moment, she said, "Show me where the passage into Hogsmeade is."

***

"Ahem," said Sirius solemnly, standing on an armchair in the common room. "As you probably know, today is James Potter's birthday, and I'd like to propose a toast to him. Does anyone actually have any idea where he is?" No-one did. Sirius shrugged and unwrapped a blood-flavoured lollipop.

***

"Welcome to the Three Broomsticks- uncensored version," James said, whipping the cloak off both himself and Lily. The Three Broomsticks, when it was not a Hogsmeade day for the students, was a bit rowdier than what Lily was used to. She had never seen the place so packed. Most of the tables had been moved to the sides of the room, as the floor was filling with people dancing.

"I've never seen people dancing here before," said Lily, frowning at the band- The Naiads- who were really quite good, if you ignored the fact that they were far too loud and inappropriate, not to mention scantily clad.

"You've never been here after six o'clock," James pointed out. "Would you like to-"

"Don't even think about it," she snapped. "Just because I've come to Hogsmeade with you doesn't mean I'm interested, and it doesn't mean you won't get detention. I'll give myself a detention if I have to. Now what kind of drinks can you get in this place?"

"Anything," said James promptly. "What do you want?"

"I'll get myself a Butterbeer," Lily answered, lips pressed thin in what James thought was a rather accurate impression of Professor McGonagall.

"You can't get drunk on Butterbeer," he pointed out. "You were intending to get drunk, weren't you? At least, that was my impression." He studied her carefully, especially liking the way her green eyes flashed when she noticed he was looking. "Here, we'll have to go up to the bar."

Reluctantly, she came with him, smiling awkwardly at Madame Rosmerta, who took one look at the pair of them and served up two glasses of something unidentifiable. Or rather, it was probably identifiable, but it was not something that Lily wished to identify.

"What is this stuff?" she asked, looking askance at her glass.

"Roz calls it Leaping Lizards," James answered, "but there aren't actually lizards in it. I think. It's because of the way it fizzes when you swallow it- perfect for people who need to be cheered up. Happy birthday to me," he added, before taking a large swallow.

"Happy birthday to me," Lily echoed, taking a tentative sip herself. It was fizzy, and not in an unpleasant way, either. In fact, it was quite good. James looked at her, startled.

"It's your birthday too?" She nodded. "I don't suppose your friends forgot as well?"

"Worse," she said sharply. "They remembered." This got an encouraging laugh from James. She shrugged. "I hate people making a fuss about something I'm not responsible for, and they made such a mess of my room, and I was a bit on edge, what with exams coming, so..."

"Exams aren't till June," James said, smiling. "You're a shoo-in for Head Girl, anyway, you could probably not take the exams at all if you liked. There's a difference of thirty percentage points between you and the second in the class."

"Oh yeah? Who's that?"

"Me," he said. Lily choked on her Leaping Lizard and stared, openmouthed, until she recollected herself.

"I'd forgotten," she said. "The amount of trouble you get into, it's hard to remember you're actually smart. But how can it be thirty percentage points? You can't be telling me the entire class has less than a seventy."

"Of course not. You have a hundred and thirty. Don't you look these things up?"

"No. I spend enough time doing the work that I never look at the numbers. But you have a hundred percent average, then? Looks like you're a shoo-in for Head Boy yourself."

"Only if Remus and Sirius stay a couple points behind. I suppose I should be worried about exams, even if you shouldn't." His smile was rather charming, actually, although not worth mooning over. Lily imagined that, had Jennifer been here, she might have fainted. Jennifer was a bit silly.

"What?" asked James, looking a bit worried.

"Hmm? Oh, just thinking. My friend Jennifer. Said something funny."

"Is she the one that looks like a mouse?" James looked rather amused at the idea, although Lily didn't think it funny at all.

"You've been in classes with her for six years, you should know who she is," she snapped. James shrugged.

"I only see her when you're around. I imagine I was paying more attention to you."

"I've had enough," Lily announced, slamming her drink down on the counter. "I should have known you would only start up with this whole thing again. Telling me my friends look like mice, and then trying to flatter me! When will you learn there are other people in the world besides you?" She got to her feet and stormed out of the building, glad she hadn't drunk enough to be at all unsteady. James handed Madame Rosmerta a few Galleons and went after her.

He found her sitting in the mud outside, oblivious to the pouring rain that was soaking through her robes. He sat next to her. Although she snorted at him, she didn't move, which he thought was a good sign.

"I know there are other people in the world besides me."

"Like Jennifer."

"Like Jennifer," he agreed, "who I promise to notice from now on. And like you. I've always known there was you." There was a pause.

"Hmmph," she said. He was smiling again.

"Maybe you've never convinced me to stop getting in trouble, or sneaking out to Hogsmeade, or being a bit of an idiot. But I've always thought- before I was going to do anything really stupid- wouldn't Lily be unhappy if she knew I'd done that? So I didn't do it. I did something you'd be happy about, instead. Once I even cleaned the common room. I swear."

"You did not."

"I did. Sirius had been installing a- er- device, in his flying motorcycle, and the common room was all covered in oil and spare parts. And I was going to fly it out the window with him, to go dive-bomb Snape, when I got an image of you being more than usually mad, and decided to help Remus clean up the common room instead."

"Well," she admitted, "I suppose I'm glad you did. If it's true."

"On my honor," James swore. "You can ask Remus, if you like. He'll tell you all about it."

"All right, then."

"May I interpret that to mean 'no, I'm not going to murder you'?"

"If you want." She glanced at him sideways, the corners of her mouth twitching.

"Will you come back inside?" he asked. Lily nodded. Standing up, he lifted her to her feet, and she did not drop her hand right away. When he looked at her this time, the green eyes were not flashing. "How about that dance?" he asked quietly.

And she smiled.