The Feud

Hermione fell the rest of the distance down the portal way that led to and from Dumbledore's study. She hit the grouted stone floor and a gasp of horror fell from her lips. "You wouldn't!" she cried. "Even you wouldn't be so cruel. He'd follow me around forever once I got my body back. I'd never be rid of him. He'd take pictures of me eating my bacon and eggs. He would take pictures of me in a house. He would take pictures of with me with a mouse. With a fox, with some lox, with a bear in its lair! I would never be free of his Dr. Seuss shutter bugging fever!"

Draco merely laughed forebodingly, a sound that was a little innocuous coming out of Hermione's rosebud mouth. "Whatever you say, Granger. I have no problems following through with my threats; they're as good as promises to a Malfoy you know. How about we play 'let's make a deal'? And how about we play it my way?"

"Your way? Why would I do anything your way? Whatever gets done your way gets screwed up, and that is the truth of the matter. Does anyone remember the day in Potions that Snape forced me to pair with you? Anyone?" Ahe stopped and looked around the empty hallway as though looking for someone in the empty space. She waved her arm frantically in the air. "Oh wait! I do! I do! I do! Oh yes Mudblood, let's do it my way. Now mix it three times counterclockwise and we shall be just as good as we were before I accidentally tipped in the whole jar of lacewings! Oh it exploded all over the dungeon? I've ever seen it do THAT before? Oh did I say counterclockwise? I meant clockwise. Oh- silly little me!" She gave a high pitched little giggle to mock him.

"How can you be making a joke at a time like this? This is serious stuff. This is the stuff that involves your future and mine as well. Our future careers and reputations in the wizarding world. How many light companies are going to hire someone who had Draco Malfoy in her head and how many dark corporations are going to hire someone who had Hermione Granger, epitome of all that is good and flowery in his head? Now my suggestion is that we call a truce and spend this afternoon learning all that we can about the way the other acts in certain situations. I know you wouldn't be pleased if the thick twosome found out about whom you really were and I'll admit I wouldn't be too pleased if my father found out who I was either."

Hermione could sense Draco's agitation. Will she just agree already? It's not as though I want to know all about the Hermione Granger life story for my personal edification. If father ever ever ever finds out about this I'm totally dead. Yes I can see it now...'Dad I just decided to become the Mudblood for a semester exchange program. I'll be back to normal soon.' Hah, wonder what the old man would say to that! Probably cock up his toes in shock, beat my face in, or choke on a pretzel like that moronic prescient or whatever they call that monkey faced guy over in America. She laughed out loud. Draco turned quickly and rapped out a hard 'what?' in her direction.

"Well, I CAN read your thoughts you know. Anything you don't want me to see, you'd better keep well under wraps, eh? Yes, I do agree with you. As crazy as it may sound, I think that you're being rather reasonable. So where would you like this little getting-to-know other species jaunt to take place?" she quipped. "A broom closet?"

"Well, we can't exactly go walking into either one of our common rooms. 'Yes, Crabbe this is my new Slytherin buddy Hermione. Now she may look like the Mudblood that we taunted for years but actually she's a new transfer student from Romania that happens to look just like her and have the same name as her and acts the same as her.' They all hate you up in my house, you know. Something about the perfectly Mudblood Gryffindor prefect with her nose in the air and her head up her arse, sullying the clean air of our honourable school."

"You're not exactly Mr. Popular yourself with the Gryffindors. 'Yes Harry, this is my new friend Draco Malfoy, formerly known as the axis mundi of all evil and our nemesis for all of the years that we've been in Hogwarts. But he's turned over a new leaf, he's really just a big kitty cat now, if you stroke his hair, he might even purr for you!' Yes, I can see that version being met with some disbelief. Hmm, could it be something about the perfect pureblooded arsehole who likes to think he's so smart because he can play with daddy's magic and dark spells, and that paid someone off so that he could become a prefect, because we all know that in reality, the chances of Crabbe and Goyle making prefect come before those of Pansy-poo's little Drakie making it."

"All right, all right already," Draco snarled. Hermione grinned to see her mostly innocent looking face taking on a look that could probably scare off the demons on that tv show Charmer or whatever it was called. Draco was looked really narked. "If a broom closet is where you want to get to know me," he put extra emphasis on the last four words of his phrase with a leer that would scare off most gir-men, he was a girl now, "then you can get to know me," there came the leer again, "in the broom closet." He tugged at her arm- his arm, and they both fell into the broom closet where it was rumoured that more than a few 'Hogwarts babies' had come into existence.

They tumbled to the floor in a heap. Hermione cursed loudly. "Bugger this all you stupid arsehole! You have another one coming if you think that I want to 'get to know you'" she raised her fingers to form quotation marks at that, "in a dark closet."

"Well, I don't really see us as having any other option, do you, Granger? Besides, if people catch us in here, they will just think that you have been the most recent conquest of Draco the Sex God and the proud owner of Hogwarts' most delectable dick according to the female population." He smirked, winking at her. She reflected again at how innocuous his expressions looked on her face. They looked pretty damn sexy when they were on his...!!! What??? I can't just have thought that Draco Malfoy's expressions look sexy on his face! That's not possible. He's a sexless, lump of ancient toe rag, which smells like a pile of old sho- like cinnamon and sandalwood. He smells like cinnamon and sandalwood and patchouli and all of those other masculine fragrances.

"That's more like the owner of Hogwarts' puniest, piddling penis. I just love alliteration, don't you?" she managed to retort, although her mind lingered on other things. Like how good his robes smelled and how she would love to bury her nose in them if she wasn't wearing them, and how his hair was so soft as she had discovered when finger combing it earlier, and how beautiful his eyes were when she could see them reflected in hers and how ...oh. She shook her head to clear it of all errant thoughts, but it was too little, too late. An uncanny expression took over Draco cum Hermione's face. It looked like prideful ...mocking?

"Ha! I should have known that you fantasized about me! So I smell like a cinnamon, sandalwood pile of shoes? Wait hold up- I'm a masculine smelling sexless lump whose robes you'd love to bury your nose in and whose hair you would love to run your fingers through? You're either really into gender benders or really into me."

"How do you know that I was thinking about you? You know- I do have a date with Justin Finch-Fletchley tomorrow after breakfast. He is really sexy and smells really good and I'm awfully put out that I have to be in your body and thus miss the date. I guess you're just going to have to go instead of me. Remember to kiss him nicely please?" She batted his eyelashes which really were inordinately long and curly.

"Well, this would be a little bit of evidence to the contrary, even if you have managed to get a date with that pompous git, which I highly doubt." He pointed at his lap, mockingly. She looked down in horror to find the front of her robes a little tighter than she would have liked.

"Well Malfoy, how d'you know that that's not just your body's left over reaction to me being in close proximity to you. You think that a girl thinks to get these..." she gestured at her crotch helplessly, at a loss for words, "things? Most likely, although I hate to think of it, I turn you on and you just can't deal with that. Hahaha," she chuckled deep in his throat. "You've probably had a secret thing for the Mudblood for years!"

"No... That's actually Crabbe with his chain-a-Mudblood-prefect-to-a-wall-and-do-all sorts-of-unspeakable-acts-to-her fantasy." He smirked as her jaw dropped practically to her knees and she collapsed against the wall in apparent horror. "Yes, yes, don't even bother to try to refute it with 'that great dirty git would never fantasize about me, his favourite Mudblood to torment.' I've heard him sleep talking, quite frequently actually. I'd recommend that you stay away from him in the future, his dreams sound rather disturbed."

Hermione seemed to recover, standing up straight with her hands on her hips. "Oh yeah Malfoy? Well, I'm not the one who has the 'bad fate' to have to deal with his future advances, at least for a while. I'll go encourage him, shall I? 'Ooer yes Crabbe, I think Hermione wouldn't mine a shag from you. And be the ruddy great beast I know you can be with her alrite?'" She smirked back at him at that, the smirk looked surprisingly natural to her.

"Well, well, well, everyone's favourite Mudblood HAS rather been enhancing her understanding of French. So..." he arched an eyebrow in a manner she imagined would be sexy if he were in his own body, "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" She shook her head silently, lips pursed in disapproval. He noticed that the tightlipped expression didn't do much for his looks and resolved never to look as though he was eating a lemon while sniffing Goyle's sock. "Ah well, I thought not, you've always been a bit of a prude according to Harry Potter. C'est la vie."

"What the hell are you talking about Malfoy?! What would you know about what Harry says about my performance? It's probably better than anything you've received in your life. I'm not a prude no matter what you think you've heard. I'm about as far from a prude as someone can get!" Two twin spots of red bloomed on his alabaster cheeks. I really am a beautiful boy, Draco thought dispassionately.

"So, Granger, if you're not a prude, does that mean that you're planning to take me up on my generous offer?" He raised her eyebrows Groucho Marx style, not that he would know who Groucho Marx was. Would Harry actually have called her a prude? She certainly didn't think that she was prudish...perhaps THAT was what Harry meant when she wouldn't let him... "So, you're not going to take this once in a life time chance to see what it is that I can offer you? Because... what I've got, no one else will even come close to having." He looked up and down his own body, causing Hermione to snicker into his sleeve.

"Malfoy, if you're trying to tell me that you're a hermaphrodite, it's already public knowledge. If I wanted one, I could go to almost any carnival in London. And if you wouldn't mind ceasing your pathetic and incessant attempts to proposition me, perhaps we could go about attempting to resolve our dilemma. I don't think that you have all afternoon, if my calculations are correct it's about time to go see Pansy for your daily dose of sickening fawning and adoration. So I'll go to the library tonight and see what I can find out about Permuto Demuto, okay?" She turned in a swish of robes and made to open the closet door. However, she saw her hand grasp Malfoy's wrist on the doorknob.

"What is it?" she asked, annoyance forming a tangible strata in the airless closet. How exactly did this closet get named the conception closet if it's so airless?

"I can't be seen in the library. I'll get some books on charms and spells and slip you some. Nine o'clock in front of the statue of the old crone with the hump, okay? And this closet was named the conception closet because of the heat precisely. It tends to make people want to take their clothes off... you know. I could tell you a couple of stories..." He winked.

"No thanks, I'll pass on the vanilla porn." She turned to go again.

"Oh Granger... I think you might like to wait until THAT subsides." He gestured rudely at her crotch, and twisted his lips into a facsimile of a smile. With that Draco sauntered out of the closet and down the hall.

"Oh Malfoy," she called after him, "don't forget to snog Justin nicely," just a bit of stickily sweet edge to her comment. "And a little bit of tongue and grind never hurt anyone!"