The Feud

Draco, now Hermione ran towards the gargoyles where Dumbledore's study was situated. He knew the location well; he had oft enough sought refuge there when things got tough with his father. But he wasn't particularly thinking of refuge now, all he wanted was to blink and become Draco Malfoy again. It was his worst nightmare, magnified. He had to pee. What did bloody girls do when they had to pee ANYWAY? He was really hoping that Dumbledore could fix this mess; he would hate to be Granger for longer than necessary. He was kind of grossed out by the idea of inhabiting her unpopular, ugly, prissy, kiss-ass body for any length of time. One day was just fine with him. He had been sleeping for about 12 hours of it but that's a-okay. It still felt like long enough to him.

He finished running in front of the statue and bent over huffing and puffing. My my, Hermione was in worse shape than she looked, not that she looked in shape to him. He could feel his face begin to flush and he felt decidedly unattractive. He sprawled against the wall trying to catch his breath. Who knew it was so exerting to run around on stubby legs? As soon as he caught his breath he went and stood in front of the gargoyle, spewing out wizard candy names. "Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, sugar quills, Drooble's Best Bubble Gum, Cauldron Cakes, Chocolate Frogs." The gargoyle shifted open to reveal a staircase at 'Chocolate Frogs'. He should have guessed. Dumbledore always had had a thing for chocolate, and if you could get a picture of yourself in a chocolate, why wouldn't you favor the chocolate?

He scrambled hastily up the staircase, all but falling into Dumbledore's study. "Sir, sorry to interrupt," he panted, "but you absolutely HAVE to help me." He collapsed in a heap on the carpeted floor, rising a minute later to sit in one of the armchairs that always looked so inviting.

"Miss Granger, this is a surprise!" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled at the expression that appeared on Draco's face.

"You must be joking! I thought that you knew everything that goes on around here? How can you even think that I am Hermione? I am obviously Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy. You will be hearing from my father- perhaps you are too old to be in a position of such power and responsibility?" Draco clamped his hands over his mouth when he realized what he had said aloud to his headmaster. "Sir, I'm terribly sorry. I meant none of that. I don't even know how it could have come out of my mouth. I really am terribly sorry."

"It's quite all right Draco. Of course I knew who you were my boy. Just having a bit of fun. When one gets old," he paused, his twinkle growing brighter still, "one has to take it wherever one can get it. Yes, yes I am aware of you and Miss Granger's predicament. And you have to admit, you bear a STRIKING resemblance to Hermione. In fact, I am sure that Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley wouldn't even be able to discern between you and the old Hermione. You DO look exactly identical after all."

"Yes, I know," Draco replied forlornly. "It's terrible isn't it? My reputation shall suffer forever. I will be known as the pureblood that wanted to be a Mudblood! My life is over!" Draco began to tear at his hair, rather, her hair. He groaned and slumped in his seat. "Is there anything that you can do?"

"Yes, Mr. Malfoy, I can see how that moniker could stick. It's rather unfortunate however; that you feel that it is a misfortune to be known as Miss Granger. She is a very good student, top of your year and she is very credible. I'm not exactly sure what I can do for the both of you, but Hermione shall be arriving momentarily so we can develop a plan of action at that time." A few seconds later, Hermione cum Draco stumbled through the door of Dumbledore's study and fell in a heap on the floor, almost in the same manner that Draco cum Hermione had.

"Headmaster Dumbledore, so terribly sorry to interrupt, you know I wouldn't unless it was terribly important. I'm afraid you may not even believe me, I'm having trouble believing it myself. You must help me! I'm not actually Malfoy, I'm Hermione Granger!" She panted, exhausted by her monologue, rose and began to collapse in the chair that Draco was sitting in. She was turning around to sit down when she realized that the chair was occupied by herself. She jumped around in shock.

"Draco! Is that you?" She stretched fingers out towards her face in wonder.

Draco slapped her hand away from his face. Well, technically it was her face, but he didn't want to be touched by a Mudblood, even if he was inhabiting a Mudblood's body and the Mudblood in question was inhabiting a pureblood's. "Get off of me Granger. This is all of your fault! As soon as I owl my father, you're going to be in so much shit." He slapped her hands away again, as they came back, as if to rest on his shoulder. He looked rather comical, as his slaps were of the weak, bitchy calibre and made him look rather effeminate. Hermione began to laugh and collapsed into the armchair opposite him.

"Miss Granger, we were expecting you. So nice to see you. Would you care to explain how exactly you and Mr. Malfoy came to find yourselves in your current predicament? Did it have anything to do with the," he motioned for her to step forward and whispered into her ear, "Permuto Demuto potion?" She giggled- Draco's ears were awfully ticklish.

"Sir, I believe that that is exactly the cause of our current misfortune. I'm terribly sorry for any and all problems that we will encounter as a result of my rash actions. But as I did successfully make the Permuto Demuto potion, perhaps we could withhold this from my permanent record?" She looked crestfallen, a lock of hair falling over her eyes. She brushed it back and looked pleadingly at Dumbledore.

"Oy Granger! Get that look off of your face! Malfoys never beg of other people and never leave their lives in the hands of others. If anyone saw me cowering like an overgrown, humanized puppy dog, my reputation would be ruined. That expression may be okay for muggleborns to wear, or those of lower * cough * classes, however for anyone with the social status of the same caliber of a Malfoy, that is unacceptable."

Hermione could not believe the bull that was pouring out of Malfoy's mouth. Those of higher classes? Wasn't the peer system done away with? Who does he think he is? And did I hear him mutter Weasley after he coughed or was that my imagination? "Malfoy, get over yourself. You seriously need to take your head out of your ass and stop being so self absorbed. Who do you think you are? This is the 21^st century, not the 18^th. I will look however I want whilst inhabiting your body, which may I add is exceedingly uncomfortable. Your skin itches!" "Probably a result of exposure to extreme evilness," she muttered.

"My apologies, Granger. Of course you are right, as per the norm. I shan't even bother to argue with the irrefutable facts, yes I am a snob. I feel that I am entitled to be proud of my family's name, social standing and heritage. But I understand why you might feel a teensy bit jealous of me, your lineage being what it is. May I point out though, if my skin itches, there is a very obvious solution. Scratch it!" he bellowed.

"Mr. Malfoy, Miss Granger, that is quite enough from both of you! If you can't even get along in the privacy of my office, however do you propose to reverse this unfortunate transformation that has occurred? And if I may point out a more pressing question, which I believe pertains to the both of you. I believe that last night Miss Granger unfortunately consumed copious amounts of pumpkin juice at dinner, as did Mr. Malfoy. One generally has to visit the head after 12 hours of holding gallons in their bladders. Is my assumption correct?" Dumbledore was all smiles again. "Might I also add, that contrary to popular belief, neither of you is hygienically challenged? Quite a feat for teenagers. I should think that Mr. Malfoy would not like his form to remain unclean or Miss Granger's either. I anticipate that both of you will be showering soon."

"I seriously have to pee," came out of both of their mouths in unison. Draco crudely placed a hand over his crotch area and squeezed his knees together. Dumbledore chuckled merrily. "See? You two are getting along better already." He motioned them both into his bathroom. All three of them stood around the toilet. Draco slouched back against the wall of the bathroom, looking at the toilet longingly. Hermione folded her arms over her chest, determined not to 'utilize his equipment'.

"Granger- you go first. I don't want to pick up nephritis or any other unfortunate bladder disease whilst you're in my body. Besides, you know you want to check me out." He smirked, quite an incongruous look on Hermione's normally innocent face. She could not quite stifle a masculine giggle at the way she looked. "Granger! Stop making a prat of myself! I would never giggle. I laugh sinisterly perhaps, I NEVER giggle."

Hermione giggled again. "Uh... oops Malfoy, I think you just did!" She giggled again. "Whoops, here it comes again! You think that you have a sinister laugh? I regret to inform you that you are totally and completely mistaken on the premises of sinister. To be sinister, you would have to be ominous, and your presence is anything but." At this, Malfoy opened his mouth and began to speak, but she cut him off before a syllable could pass her lips.

"Indeed if you are afraid that I will malign your reputation whilst I inhabit your body, you are sadly mistaken. As much as I dislike you, and let me assure you that the amount of dislike felt on my part is great, I have no intention of ruining your reputation. For as long as it takes to find an antidote to this potion, which might I add, has never been created correctly, I intend to spend all of my time in the hospital wing sleeping. Heaven forefend that anyone should see me as Malfoy, greasy, unlikeable git that you are. And might I add that you don't need anyone to make a prat of yourself for you. You manage it just fine on your own." With that Hermione sniffed and turned on her heel, meaning to make her way to the hospital wing.

"Miss Granger," Dumbledore's voice rang out, losing all of its usual spark and twinkle. "Where exactly do you think that you are going?" He swished his wrist in the general direction of the door, and they all heard the lock click. "You can't seriously intend to spend such a great length of time in lethargy. Mr. Malfoy's body would surely atrophy. Besides, you need to help Prof. Snape work on an antidote to this potion that you have create. Furthermore, exams are coming up. Your body would never retain the information that Mr. Malfoy's brain would pick up whilst in class."

Hermione gasped and walked back towards Dumbledore and Malfoy. "Seriously Granger. Don't you think I work hard enough trying to keep my body in the impeccable shape that you find it in? I can't have you wasting all of my hard work and Quidditch practices. Besides, don't you think that people would suspect that something was wrong if you began acting like me and I disappeared into the hospital wing for weeks on end?" He twisted his lips in the mock of a smile. "For one who claims to be so intelligent, you sure can be dumb sometimes."

"Well Malfoy, for one so dumb, you sure think that you are smart sometimes," she retorted, her cheeks flushing pink at the insult. Draco realized that he looked terrible when he flushed, and resolved that when he returned to his own body that he would refrain from doing so in the future.

"If both of you could stop picking at your respective selves," Dumbledore's voice resounded sarcastically. "Perhaps we could begin to rectify the predicament that you find yourselves in. Or rather, maybe you would prefer to remain in your current forms? I thought not," he stated as both of them shook their heads wildly, negating the statement. "If you all can stay in here for 10 minutes without killing each other, I will go and appraise Severus of the situation. Who knows? Perhaps you both could even relieve yourselves whilst I'm gone." He swept out of the room, his customary twinkle once again replaced in his eye.

His footsteps echoed down the stairs and disappeared. "You pee first, Granger. Here, cover my eyes and I'll do it for you." Draco reached for her zip and would have drawn it down, had Hermione's hands not slapped at his face.

"Don't you think that this is embarrassing enough without you doing it for me? I'll manage. You turn around and cover your ears." She flushed and motioned him around, swirling her hands. She had never felt so singularly embarrassed in her life, not even the time he had expanded her teeth. She closed her eyes and drew down the zip. Boys' pants unbuttoned in the other direction! Well how 'bout them apples? She might actually learn something useful in Malfoy's body.

She sat on the toilet and relaxed her muscles, granting his bladder reprieve. She really had felt as though she was about to explode. A voice interrupted her moments of release. "Are you done yet Granger? Or are you still groping me? God knows it's the first and last time you'll see a penis outside of a book." She flushed again in anger. She finished her whiz; she supposed that she could be crude in her mind in Malfoy's body. It wasn't truly different from his normal boorish behaviour anyway.

She rose and zipped herself up again, walking silently over to Malfoy, kicking him in the back of the knee. He collapsed in surprise. "For your information," she intoned, hands on hips, "I have seen a penis before. Multiple penises," she bluffed. "Yours doesn't exactly match up though. Its sort of on the small, twiggy and shrivelled side!" She kicked him again. "And, moreover, I bet I'm going to be the only girl who ever sees yours, so don't even attempt to insult me. I'm not even really a girl at the moment anyway!" She finished her torrent and stood, holding herself tall. "What do you have to say to that, eh Malfoy?"

He didn't say anything for the moment. She grew confused, and then worried. Out of nowhere, a leg snaked around her calf and pulled, causing her to fall heavily onto the tiled floor. "I have plenty to say to that, Granger. However, as you are so obviously lying about your wealth of experiences, I don't feel that a retort is necessary. If you were half as observant as everyone thinks that you are, you would have noticed that whenever I lie, my jaw twitches. You, are obviously lying." He kicked her in the side and rolled over, swinging fists at her face.

She moved her hands up to block his assault to no avail. She did the only thing she could think to do. She pulled on his hair hard, causing him to fall and crack his head on the tile. She pummelled his shoulders and collarbone. He reciprocated by raking his talons over her face. It was in that manner that Snape and Dumbledore walked in on them a few minutes later.

The tableau froze, Draco cum Hermione straddling Hermione cum Draco. "Either you two have become extremely friendly, or you are attempting to strangle Miss Granger, Mr. Malfoy." Snape's sarcastic drawl came from behind them. "I sincerely doubt that it is the former, indeed, your father would be delighted to hear about your habits with muggleborns. Do get up. You are both looking quite compromising. How would it look for Harry Potter to burst in on that?"

Dumbledore helped pull both of them up, stopping short when noticing the nail marks on both of their faces, the bruises on Draco's neck and the swollen state of Hermione's ankle. "Goodness, there shan't be any of either of you left by the time we find an antidote to the solution. I thought that I said that you all should play nicely whilst I was gone? Obviously that didn't work out. I was rather hoping that I would not have to resort to this, however, you leave me no choice." He removed his wand from his cloak and waved it over the both of them, muttering, "ducere commuto."

Draco was feeling sick to his stomach. Hermione was certain of that fact. He was also a bit dizzy and his mouth was dry. His neck hurt, terribly. Hold on one second! How do I know all of that? She quickly thought back to her days of primary school Latin. Ducere... hmm. State of mind perhaps? And commuto, well that was easy stuff. Exchange, obviously. Gah- she really was the smartest witch in the school. Mind. Exchange. Mind exchange?! Dumbledore really was an old bastard. "Why the HELL would you do this to us?" She shook her head wildly, as though to clear the sensations of Draco's thoughts from her head.

Hermione's ankle was throbbing, the pain radiating up her leg and into her hip. She had broken her hip the winter before, ice skating on her pond. She was flushed and obviously embarrassed. Draco knew it all as though it was his own history. Waaait. It wasn't as though she had told him about the accident. In fact, he hadn't noticed that she had had an accident last year at all. Why did he know all of a sudden? As a matter of fact, did he care? Why would he know all of these things about her? He even could picture the detail of the scarf she had been wearing. Ducere commuto, eh? He had heard of people being afflicted with it before. In fact, hadn't that Rita Skeeter, crap reporter, written about it in Witch Weekly earlier that month? A couple that had been afflicted with it had wound up married for 42 years. What? What was he thinking about? He didn't want to marry Hermione for 42 years. Certainly not!

Ducere commuto. Didn't that mean...? Dumbledore! What a BASTARD! "Dumbledore!" he burst out- red dancing in front of his eyes. "You are out of your head. I shall have my father request your resignation at once. You are clearly off your rocker. Stop codding around. This is obviously a very serious situation!"

"Mr. Malfoy, indeed, the state of your relationship with Miss Granger appears to be a far more serious situation than the one you currently find yourselves in. I think that you all need to spend the day together. Get to know each other perhaps? Maybe Miss Granger could spend a day in the life of Draco Malfoy or perhaps vice versa. Anyway, you need to learn how to act because you may be stuck in each other's bodies for a while." Dumbledore leant back, satisfied he had settled the matter for the day.

"Actually, Headmaster, I have no need to learn how exactly Malfoy acts. I know how I'm going to act whilst I'm him. I think I shall take the opportunity to camp it up. Mr. Malfoy shall find himself being as camp as a row of tents. Come on Malfoy. Let's get going. I need to check out my collection of frilly frocks, perhaps see which suits your complexion best and perhaps practice my prancing." Hermione cum Draco skipped out the door, followed closely by Draco cum Hermione, yelling, "Stop that Granger! You better stop that or I'm going to confess my, oh excuse me, your everlasting love for that pansy that follows Harry Potter and co. around with a camera grouted to his face."