Deep Inside of You

“Deep Inside of You’

By marzoog

When we met light was shed

Thoughts free flow you said you've got something

Deep inside of you

James Potter sat on a bench in a London park (St. James if you want to be specific…) on a cloudy October day. The sky was an unrelenting gray (as those of you who have lived in Britain or have been there will know happens often…) and its total gloominess seemed to have affect over everyone: including James. James found his own way to get away from the dreary gloominess by remembering the warmth inside of him that was his memories of Hogwarts.

The one person he chose specifically not to recall was the one who mattered most to him: Lily Evans. That infuriating red haired witch. That antagonizing firecracker. That little manipulative smart-ass girl with those emerald eyes James had never ceased to love, even if they had broken up a year ago, after one summer together.

He then, inescapably, thought of her and how they had met: running into her in Diagon Alley. He remembered the hateful rebuking he had received for it. He remembered the laughter lighted look in Remus’s eyes, the cheerful grin on Sirius’s face, and the, as always, blank look on Peter’s. How her eyes did glower when he found them boring into him after he had picked himself up! It was then that they had captivated him, as they always would.

A wind chime voice sound, sway of your hips round rings true

It goes deep inside of you

These secret garden beams, changed my life so it seems

He then thought of how her eyes had looked when they had said goodbye at Hogsmeade platform. Also sad…wistful…maybe she hadn’t been mad with him after all…Snap out of it Potter. Evans was only your friend after she hated you, and now she probably hates you for breaking up with her. She wouldn’t have even liked you in that sense when she did like you as a friend.

But James could only try and prevent himself from remembering a certain event on the edge of the lake. A certain flutter around his heart. A certain look in her eyes. (A/n I need to start using complete sentences again, don’t I?) He had never seen that look before, and although something had told him it was of significance, his brain dismissed such thoughts. It was certain one that had never been seen on Lily Evans, and he could in no way have deciphered it. It had been the night he had asked her out, but then again, they had only gone out for a summer (and if James was honest to himself it really was only an excuse to correspond with her over the summer)

Fall breeze blows outside, I don't break stride

My thoughts are warm

And they go deep inside of you

James had been too wrapped up in his memories to notice that his body was begging to go inside and get the relief of some warmth on this freezing day. Besides, it was not like Lily Evans would ever bestow another thought on him, even if they had dated briefly (their friends thinking that they were the perfect example of a clichéd “love/hate” couple), considering how they had only been half friends-half enemies. And those cancelled each other out to make them “acquaintances”; no one ever thought of an “acquaintance” when they were not in sight. Lily would never think of him again, James felt sure of it.

James, who was in a sort of trance that day, or as he would have said, had temporarily lost his mind, failed to perceive that he had bumped into someone.

“Oi! Prongsie-boy! What was that for, not owling you?” Sirius Black had just been coming out of James’s flat. “Where have you been dude?”

James felt a little sheepish, he hadn’t really talked to Sirius much lately, he had been too busy with training to be an Auror to keep in touch.

And I never felt alone, 'till I met you

Friends say I've changed, I don't listen 'cause I live to be

Deep inside of you

“Jamesie-boy! Snap out of it dude!”

James violently shook his head in order to bring him back to sanity. He had just been thinking of how Lily’s fingers had felt on his skin when she taken his pencil from him, while they were working on a project together, and had reached over and erased something he had written to correct it.

Ugh, would she never get out of my head, he thought to himself. It was not like she was special or beautiful or had any qualities that could possibly make him still think of her, even a year after their graduation. Just those eyes….those beautiful, captivating eyes….

James again shook himself and went into his flat with Sirius, silently cursing Lily Evans for having beautiful eyes.

I've never felt alone

'Till I met you

I'm all right on my own

And then I met you

After Sirius had left, they had had a griping discussion of Quidditch and the Chudley Cannon’s chance of winning the cup, James couldn’t help but notice how empty his life seemed now. All he had was his profession, he was somewhat estranged from his friends (he resolved to change that) and all he seemed to long to ever do was think of the beauty of Lily Evan’s eyes.

He seemed to live on those memories. He only seemed alive when he was remembering things about Hogwarts. He just lived when he wasn’t inside his memory. Just existed. Not really had any extreme emotion or any thought that was worthy of noting. Just drudged on, going from one place to another in extreme monotony. No rose or crimson spot t6 light it up. Just gray.

And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming

I would change myself if I could

I'd walk with my people if I could find them

And I'd say that I'm sorry to you

I'm sorry to you

James wished he knew if Lily was mad, or whether she wanted him back. He wished he knew if she ever thought of him. If he only knew she did he would have gone back and said that he was sorry in a minute. That was all he needed to know. He could let go of the past if he only knew that. The past refused to let itself go when it had one not so large left to tie up.

He got up and went out of his flat. He decided to wander, maybe go visit Moony? You were never bored when you wandered around London; there were so many people and things to be seen. James started wandering aimlessly around the streets and again someone bumped into him, someone who seemed familiar.

“Lily!”

“James!”

They gasped incredulously at the same time.

And I don't want to call you

But then I want to call you 'cause I don't want to crush you

But I feel like crushing you

And it's true I took for granted you were with me

Lily sighed sitting up from her bench in St. James’s park. She was thinking of her last meeting with James Potter. She had missed the feeling of being sucked into a peat bog while looking into his eyes. She had missed the feeling of having to growl and laugh at the same time. She missed the laugh light look of his eyes when he laughed at her jokes. The lack of the adorableness of his “puppy-dog” looks that had made every girl at Hogwarts heart flutter was driving her insane. She missed everything about him damnit!

She just wanted him back, even if he had broken up with her. She should have been mad at him, but she couldn’t find it in her heart to be. All she wanted to know was why? Why had he broken up with her? She had acted like she didn’t care for a long while afterwards, but the fact was that she did care and she still cared.

If she could only know why she would not have been so reclusive that last year. She had deliberately ignored him. He had looked pained, but she had put the guilt away from her heart. What right had he had to look pained when he had broken up with her?

A person walked past her, and she was about to ignore this fact as she was in Muggle London and many people walked past her, but when she saw the shoes on this person she immediately looked up. They were the like the old, brown Oxfords James had always worn. God, she thought, I’m going insane, just looking up at a guy and going crazy just because he has the same shoes as James!

She looked around her to see the people in the park. One caught her eye. He was sitting over on a bench behind her, but far enough down from her to not make it appear as if she were staring directly behind her. She stared and shook her head, she must be dreaming, this person could not be James Potter. Even if he did have the same peat bog brown eyes, the same glasses that always had tape around the center (after all those years James had still never learned to repair his glasses) and the same skinny form it just could not be him.

I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

And we were broke and didn't know

And we were broke and didn't know

And we were broke and didn't know

Lily instinctively felt her heart flutter and butterflies in her stomach. The feelings brought by the sighting of James were some she didn’t want to acknowledge. She turned her head away, staring dazedly into space in front of her. When she looked back he was not there. Good, she said to herself. It doesn’t matter one wit to me if James Potter is lollygagging in St. James Park.

Still, Lily couldn’t help feeling a little heart sinking that he hadn’t noticed her. Well, what would he have had to say to her if he had? She didn’t want him to break her heart again…She wouldn’t be able to stand it…It had hurt enough the first time…

Something's gone, you withdraw and I'm not strong like before I was

Deep inside of you

She had not talked to him since that day on the platform. He probably had forgotten her…it was almost five months ago…if she had been asked she could have told you the number of days, hours and even minutes since they had said goodbye.

She got up from her bench with a sigh. Why had she even gone to London? She should have stayed up at Hogwarts and taken that teaching job. But she could not get away from the memories of James there. That was why she had come to London, if she didn’t lie to herself and say that she wanted to see some of the world.

She walked around aimlessly, not minding where she went. She just thought of how James’s had looked last time she had seem them. Very sad, like he was losing something precious…

I can go nowhere

I burn candles and stare at a ghost

Deep inside of you

When she had loved him so much why did he have to go and break her heart? She had loved him, no, she still loved him. Why else was she going absolutely crazy when she had just thought she had seen him? Why else couldn’t she move on? Lily had had other boyfriends after James, but none of them were serious. She just had, or did, love James too much to be with any other guy. It started to drizzle slowly and it made lovely little dots on the pavement.

Just then Lily bumped into someone…thoroughly annoyed she turned around to see who it was and found herself staring incredulously into space. She must be dreaming again. Then why was the dream speaking? Lily couldn’t hear what it said; she only could stare and hope she wouldn’t have to stop staring. The object of her musings was standing before her, and the only thing she felt she was capable of doing was putting her arms around him and having a good cry in his shoulder.

“Oh…James…What are you doing here? Am I just going to wake and find you are a happy dream? Are you just some phantom here to torture me?”

After saying that Lily couldn’t help thinking how melodramatic that sounded.

“I’m here Lily, I’m here. I’m so sorry…for everything? Could you possibly ever forgive me for doing a daft prick who was full of himself?”

“I only want to know why you did it.”

“I was afraid…”

“Of what?” Lily lifted her face from his shoulder to stare into James’s peat bog yes. She was being drowned in it again…

We must look so odd to other people, she mused, with me crying into James’s shoulder and him looking so solemn…

“Of loving you too much. I was afraid that I’d end up hurting you and getting hurt myself if I came to love you too much.” James looked rather sorrowfully,

I was so stupid in my younger days, he earnestly rebuked himself for his mistake. How could I ever have cared about loving her so much? I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t forgive me. I’ll have to live somehow. Through thinking this much James couldn’t help noticing how wonderful she felt in his arms. He didn’t want to let go.

“How could you have been afraid of that?”

“Because I do. But mostly I’m afraid of walking away from you here now and always thinking about what it would have been like if I hadn’t walked away and if I hadn’t been so afraid of how much I love you, because I did it before and I don’t want to do it again.”

“You do?” Lily’s smile extended to her emerald eyes and James couldn’t seem to remember that it was raining; all the light that would ever be was in those wonderful orbs.

“Yes. I do. I need you Lily. I missed you some much when I was all alone after work and there was no one to talk to or brighten up my day.”

“You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to hear that…”

“Seventh year was awful to me, because I wasn’t with you any more, and this summer and fall have been lonely.”

Lily was too choked for words. All she could do was hug James tighter. She never wanted to leave him again.

“I missed you so much. Please don’t leave me again, and for God’s sake don’t go be all noble by trying not to hurt me again. That hurts more.”

And some great need in me starts to bleed

I've lost myself there's nothing left, it's all gone

Deep inside of you

Deep inside of you