The Marks We Bear

This song is dedicated to Draco Malfoy...

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I could taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive"

- Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls

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Chapter 12
Monday 6th Oct cont.

Harry had been crying for maybe ten minutes when there was a quiet knock on the door. Draco looked up as Hermione stuck her head in nervously. She stared at them for a moment and Draco thought that they must look quite a sight. He was almost naked, his robes open and his shirt hanging from his right shoulder having simply pushed his clothes away as he'd gone from scar to scar. Harry lay over his bare legs with his head buried in his lap and one arm tight around his waist, he didn't seem to have heard the door.

"It's not what it looks like," he told her. He felt Harry react minutely to his words as he realised they were no longer alone.

"Ron sent me up to check on you," she explained finally.

Harry lifted himself up, trying to wipe away his tears before Hermione could see them. "We're fine," he said unconvincingly and without looking at her.

"Uh-huh," said Hermione. "I can see that."

"Please just... can you give us a little more time?" Harry asked.

"Ten minutes," she said firmly. "People want to go to bed, it's nearly eleven." She closed the door again.

Harry rubbed wearily at his red eyes as Draco pulled his shirt back on.

"I should go," said Draco.

"No, wait." Harry picked up his wand again and redressed Draco's leg. "I told you, you need quick-heal salve on that. Is the invisibility cloak in your room?"

Draco nodded.

"I'll come with you, I can get some salve from the Hospital Wing with the cloak."

"What about... everything else?"

Harry thought about the question for a moment. "I don't know," he said. "I don't know what to say."

Draco summoned up a faint veneer of aloof calm that was spoiled by his voice cracking on the last line. "I understand if you don't want to spend time with me anymore. Just... if you don't then stop now. Don't hang around cause you feel sorry for me. I don't need your pity."

Harry looked at him sadly. "I almost think you want me to walk away. Is that why you told me all of this?"

Draco swallowed. "Maybe. I can't think of any other reason for it, telling you was never going to be a good idea. Never going to do anything but destroy whatever you might feel for me."

"Then tell me why I still feel the same?"

"What?"

"I should be so angry with you but I can't seem to find it. I'm worn out, Draco, it's too much to think about at once. Let's just go fix your leg and get some sleep. Please."

"Okay... I... okay." Draco finished dressing again but as they stood to leave he caught Harry's arm. "I don't want you to leave me, Harry."

Harry nodded. "Come on, let's go."

They opened the door just as Hermione was coming back up the stairs to throw Draco out. "Where are you going?" she asked Harry.

"Out," said Harry shortly.

"But..."

"Not now, Hermione. Please."

Hermione didn't look happy about being brushed off but let them continue down the stairs. "Do you want me to wait up for you?" she called after him. "We can talk..."

"No," said Harry. "Just go to bed, I don't know what time I'll be back."

They walked through the common room to the expected deathly silence but as they reached the door Ron approached them. "Um... Harry?"

Harry turned to him. "What?"

"Are... are you okay?"

Harry looked surprised at this, having expected anger rather than concern. He looked into Ron's worried eyes in startlement. "What? I... not really. But I'm working on it."

Ron nodded. "Right. Well... if you need anything..."

"Thanks." Harry allowed himself a small smile. "Really, thanks."

Draco stood next to them, equally surprised at a side of Ron he had never been exposed to.

"No problem," said Ron and walked back over to Hermione who was standing at the bottom of the stairs.

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Draco sat in the storage room waiting, wondering if Harry would come to his senses and not bother to come back. He was cold, it was late and his leg ached from the disinfection spell. He had retrieved the invisibility cloak from his room and taken it out of the Slytherin Common Room for Harry who had disappeared to break into the hospital wing. He shivered, tucking his hands into his sleeves and drawing his knees up to his chest.

He felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He had told Harry everything... absolutely everything. He still couldn't believe he'd done it. Maybe Snape had put some Veritaserum in his tea when he wasn't looking. He must be losing his mind. He'd betrayed Voldemort to Dumbledore... he'd told Harry he'd drugged him... he'd told Granger that he'd used the killing curse... he was so screwed...

Before he could take a complete panic attack the door swung open and Harry reappeared in front of him. "I got it." He looked down at Draco who seemed to be hyperventilating."Are you okay?"

Draco just stared at him.

"Hey, calm down." Harry dropped down next to Draco in concern. "Take a slow deep breath."

Draco gasped for air. "I... I can't... I think... it's a... curse..."

"It's not a curse," said Harry. "You're hyperventilating. Slow down or you'll pass out." Harry coached him until his breathing slowed and the dizziness passed. "See... you're fine."

"What definition of fine is that?" asked Draco with a sarcasm born of oxygen deprivation.

"The one that means you're here and I'm here and I'm going to fix your leg and we're going to get a good nights sleep and worry about anything else in the morning," said Harry firmly. "Now give me your leg." Harry pulled Draco's legs out straight and pushed his robes aside so that he could remove the dressings on his cut again. Then he pulled a tub of salve out of his pocket and carefully applied it, Draco felt the tingle and itch of it as it forced the skin to bind itself back together. Harry put the tub down and pulled Draco against his chest, as he watched and waited for the salve to finish working he absently stroked Draco's hair. When it seemed to have finished he bent down to study the scar it had left behind, it was pink and shiny with new skin. "It's left a scar," he said. "If we'd used this straight away that wouldn't have happened."

"It was supposed to leave a scar," said Draco.

Harry sighed, "I know." He stood up and looked down at the other boy. "Can we sleep in your dorm tonight? It's closer."

"If you want to, you don't have to."

Harry reached out his hand and pulled Draco to his feet. "Well I'm not sleeping alone tonight and given a choice between you and Ron..." He threw the invisibility cloak over him. "So lead the way."

When they got to Draco's bed and closed the curtains Harry threw off the cloak and immediately cast the Claudo Velum charm to keep out intruders. He lit his wand and looked around the enclosed space, the dark green hangings and blankets made his wand light seem cold but the darkness was even more oppressive. He placed his lit wand in a holder on the headboard that seemed to be made for that purpose and turned to Draco. The other boy had his knees up to his chest again and his arms wrapped around them. Harry took off his robes and threw them on top of the invisibility cloak at the bottom of the bed, then he moved over to Draco and pushed his arms and legs away so that he could unfasten his robes.

"I'm not a child," Draco said absently.

"I didn't think you were," said Harry. He pushed Draco's robes off his shoulders, running his hands over them and down his arms. He met Draco's eyes with his own, "See, all grown up." He looked uncertainly at the other boy, both surprised at what he felt the urge to do after everything they had been through that day and unsure that he should after what Draco had told him Voldemort had put him through. Finally he asked, "If I touch you, it won't... you won't..."

"Won't what?"

"I don't want to remind you of anything..."

Draco realised what Harry meant. "Oh... I don't know, I think everything's fine but sometimes it just... jumps into my head and it's there before I can stop it. Maybe it'll make a difference... that you know. But... "

"But what?"

"Why do you want to? After what I told you..."

Harry thought about the question. Part of him thought Draco was right, he shouldn't want to, but he did. He hated the thought that Voldemort had so much as breathed on Draco, he wanted to touch every inch of Draco's skin and wipe away any memory of someone else having been there. "Because you're not his and he can't have you," he answered intensely. "Because I want you."

Draco stared in amazement at Harry's fiercely territorial expression.

Harry ducked his head in a fit of self-consciousness at having voiced his thoughts. "If you want me, that is," he finished.

Draco felt a surge of desire for Harry, for his protectiveness and just the simple fact that even after a night like this he would still turn to Draco, still worry about him, still want him, still blush over it. "Don't hide that," said Draco, tipping his head back up. "Of course I want you. Just... I'll tell you if I start to... you know... and we can try and work around it. I want to."

Harry nodded. "If anything bothers you just tell me and I'll stop."

Harry leant forward tentatively to kiss the other boy only to have Draco pull him firmly into a deep kiss, he fell into him and their bodies tangled together as they both sought relief from the stress of the day. Eventually Harry drew back, his thumb taking his place against Draco's lips in a rough caress. "Let's not get out of bed anymore," he gasped past bruised lips. "I don't like it out there, I like it here with you."

Draco nodded trying to pull Harry back to him but he evaded his grasp.

"Uh-uh. It's my turn," Harry said, pushing Draco's hands aside. He undressed Draco gently but with obvious restraint until the other boy was naked, half-lying, half-sitting against the pillows behind him. He took him in for a moment, his skin was a uniform warm gold everywhere but where shorts had blocked the strong summer sun leaving the familiar pale skin Draco had always worn in the past, even his feet were tanned. His limbs were still slim but firm and shaped with muscle from spending endless days riding and walking and running and climbing through the wild countryside around Malfoy Mansion in his quests to remain out of sight. Harry kissed him again, softly, on the lips. "No-one else gets to touch you but me," he whispered and then began to lay his claim down Draco's body. He kissed every scar Draco had, running his tongue over them, scraping his teeth over them... all but the one on his lower belly. That one he ran his fingers over thoughtfully, laid his forehead against for a moment as if praying and then moved back to kiss Draco's lips in a way that almost felt like forgiveness.

//It's okay for tonight,// Draco thought. //I can be forgiven just for tonight.// He had watched Harry as he made his way over his body, the familiar messy hair comforting, his hands warm and his mumbled endearments and promises a constant anchor to the present as he was reconsecrated.

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The adult scene which occurs here is available on http://www.fanfiction.net/

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Draco let his eyes flutter open, he was laying flat on his back and apparently he hadn't landed cause it felt like he was floating. He brought Harry's face into focus slowly and then smiled in a way that would have made him laugh if he'd seen it. It was an expression he would never have thought his face even capable of. It certainly made Harry smile. He was smiling at Harry's face, it was flushed and his lips were red and swollen, his hair was even messier than usual and he looked... "Beautiful," said Draco.

"What?"

"You," then Draco hauled Harry back down and kissed him thoroughly, he could taste himself in Harry's mouth and it was good. As the kiss began to clear his head he rolled them over so that he was on top of Harry, when he pulled away he said, "You have too many clothes on." It didn't take them long to solve that problem and in a tangle of limbs he proceeded to show Harry just how much he had enjoyed what Harry had just done.

Later they lay in the pale wandlight under the covers together, nearing sleep, still gently exploring with fingertips and lips and tongues. Their desire sated enough to begin thinking a little about the days events.

"Harry, have you..."

"What?"

"Have you ever done that before?"

Harry shook his head, "No. In the dorm we sometimes... you know, jacked off in front of each other. I was never comfortable with it, I thought they might guess I was gay somehow." He paused. "They used to tease me about being a prude cause I wouldn't let anyone touch me. Seamus and Ron used to be at it constantly a couple of years back, Ron knew all about everything cause of all his older brothers. I was so shocked when they first started doing it."

"How come?"

"I thought only poofs did stuff like that, I didn't have a clue. Ron told me all his brothers had done it when they were at school. He's the one that taught me that lubrication charm."

"I wondered," said Draco. "They do that here too, I always thought it was disgusting, and in the Quidditch changing rooms as well. Zabini is such a slut."

"But you never...?"

"No, never. Do you mind me asking about this stuff?"

"No, not at all."

"It's just... I always ignored it all as much as I could. I never even... you know, on my own..."

"Masturbated?"

"Yeah, I thought it was ... immature."

"Never?"

"Well... not never but not much. Only if I had a hard on that wouldn't go away. Do you do it a lot?"

"All the time, keeps me sane. I can't imagine not doing it, doesn't it make you... tense?" asked Harry, who had found thinking about sex one of the few things that got him through the long summers at the Dursley's. In the depths of the night when he didn't care anymore what anyone thought he would imagine what all those terrible things that Dudley's friends said fags did might feel like and masturbate until he was too tired and sated to feel lonely.

Draco shrugged. "I was used to it, I just didn't think about sex."

"And now?" Harry asked teasingly.

Draco laughed. "I think about it all the time," he admitted. "When I'm not stressing out about other stuff anyway." He stopped laughing. "Do you think," he said tentatively. "That Hermione told Ron... what I told her."

Harry cast his mind back to remember what Hermione knew and didn't know and then thought about it. "I don't know," he answered. "I honestly don't know."

"Let's stay here tomorrow, let's not get up."

Harry smiled and kissed Draco's lips lightly. "It would only put off the inevitable."

They lay in silence for another little while then Draco said, "I know you said you couldn't... forgive me for... you know, but... can you... have you..."

"What?" Harry asked softly.

"What I did to *you*..."

"The potion?"

"The potion."

Harry let his hand stray down to the scar on Draco's thigh, finding it by touch alone. "If I didn't know you were sorry, if I couldn't see how much you hated doing it... maybe I would be angry. But if you hadn't hated doing it so much you'd be someone else and we wouldn't be here anyway. I... I think..." Harry trailed off, the words were there on the tip of his tongue to say but they seemed so huge and it was all so new, how could he be sure. But if it wasn't true how could he have forgiven Draco so easily, how could he have felt only horror and anger that Draco had been put in such a situation in the first place.

"What is it?"

"I don't know if Ron is ever going to get over this one," Harry muttered to himself.

"Well, I wasn't planning to tell him, personally," Draco remarked, assuming Harry meant what they'd just done.

"No, I don't mean... I mean..." Harry took a deep breath. "I think I love you."

Draco stared at him in utter shock.

"Draco?"

Finally he found his tongue, "Wh... what?"

"I love you," repeated Harry firmly, the words felt right, they felt true.

"But... but... why?" Draco asked in utter confusion.

Harry smiled. "Dunno," he said happily. "But I do, I really do."

"Really?" A smile of sheer wonder broke across Draco's face.

"Really." Harry assured him and kissed him again. "I love you." And again and again.

Later, as Harry began to doze off, Draco looked down at him. Harry loved him. He didn't claim to understand it, part of him wasn't even sure he believed it. But what he really wanted to know was... did he love Harry? He didn't know, he wasn't sure how you could tell if you loved someone. He didn't want to lie, didn't want to say it and then one day realise he had been wrong. There would be no more lying to Harry. Did he love him? Could he love him?

There was no answer to that.

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Tuesday 7th Oct

Ron had waited until nearly 1am for Harry to get back before he finally dropped off and his first thought when he jerked awake that morning was to check Harry's bed. There was no sign that Harry had ever been back, it was just as it had been last night. Ron dressed quickly and went down to the Common Room to find Hermione.

When she finally came down the stairs trying to see past the pile of text books in her arms he took a moment to smile internally at her untidy braided hair and bright eyes, she was so beautiful, but then he remembered why he was pacing down here waiting for her. "Hermione!" he called.

She came over to him. "Where's Harry?"

"That's the problem, no Harry."

"What?"

"He never came back last night, his bed wasn't slept in."

Hermione looked concerned. "You're sure."

"Of course I'm sure. I think you better tell me what was going on last night."

"I don't know... I wanted to speak to Harry about it first."

"Well Harry isn't here and I need to know why."

"I don't know why he didn't come back... maybe he went off somewhere to think in peace and fell asleep."

"Or else Malfoy stabbed him in the back in a darkened corner and left him to die!" said Ron.

Hermione paled... she didn't like Malfoy but she'd been willing to let it pass for Harry's sake, but after what she'd heard last night she didn't know what to think. She just wished Harry had spoken to her instead of rushing off. What else had Malfoy told him, what had he said that had left Harry crying in his lap and why had he been nearly naked when she'd walked in? Why had Harry left with Malfoy after the boy had admitted to using the killing curse on an innocent woman? "I don't know what to do... we need to find him."

"The Map!" said Ron. He bolted back up the stairs and came back after a few minutes with an old blank sheet of parchment clasped in his hand. He and Hermione went to a corner so that no-one could see and Ron tapped the Marauders Map with his wand. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

Lines blossomed on the map and when it had finished drawing itself they studied it intently, it was Hermione who let out a gasp.

"What?" said Ron, trying to figure out where she was looking.

She pointed wordlessly to the Slytherin 5th year boys dormitory, there was a single dot with two names next to it. They were Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter.

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Harry entered the Great Hall alone, he had snuck out of the Slytherin Common Room wearing the invisibility cloak and then made his way to his own room to clean himself up before breakfast. He was a little late and everyone else was already sitting down, he glanced over to the Slytherin table and caught Draco's attention with a small grin. The other boy returned it with a sly half-smile.

Harry turned his attention to his own table and was met by intense expressions on Hermione and Ron's faces. He sighed to himself, this was probably not going to be easy what with Draco's confession in front of Hermione and the likelihood that they knew he hadn't slept in Gryffindor Tower. He braced himself and sat down with a cheery, "Good morning." They'd have to try pretty hard to crack his good mood this morning.

"Where were you last night?" asked Ron tensely.

Harry wondered what he should say, the truth was a bad idea but he couldn't summon up a believable lie.

"Actually don't even bother trying to think something up," said Ron. "We already know exactly where you were."

"You do?" said Harry in surprise.

"We were worried about you," said Hermione. "We used the Marauders Map."

"Oh," said Harry eloquently. "I see."

"You do do you?" said Ron angrily. "Cause I don't, I don't see at all. What the hell are you playing at, Harry?"

"Not here," said Harry. He stood up and moved them down the table, away from the bulk of the house.

"I don't understand either, Harry," said Hermione sitting back down. "After what Malfoy told us last night..."

"You told Ron what he said?"

"She told me," said Ron grimly. "Harry... why are you *still* spending time with him. I know you have some sort of crush on him but he's a murderer!"

"Keep your voice down," said Harry looking around at the other members of their house to see if they were listening. "You don't know the full story and I'm sorry but I can't tell you any more than you already know. What Draco did was... terrible... but he had no choice and I think he's more than paid for it."

"There's always a choice!" said Ron.

"Funny," said Harry. "That's what he said. But really there wasn't, dying isn't a choice and I can't regret that he didn't. Who knows what we might have done in the same situation."

"Harry, please," pleaded Hermione. "You can't risk this. What if he's put in the same situation again only it's your life or his?"

Harry looked at them sadly. "I don't know what would happen... how can I? How can anyone? This isn't his fault, it's Voldemort's fault."

"I still don't understand why you're even taking the risk," argued Ron. "So maybe he's a good looking boy, I can admit that, but there're plenty of good looking boys who aren't the murdering sons of Death-Eaters. Dump him and find someone else. It's not like he's the great love of your life."

Harry closed his eyes at Ron's choice of words, this wasn't going well at all. "How do you know what he is to me?" he asked finally, wishing he could say otherwise but knowing that it had to come out eventually. Might as well be now.

"What?" said Hermione in astonishment. Ron couldn't even find words to express his horror at what Harry was implying. He just stared.

"I really don't think this is the place for this conversation," deferred Harry.

"But you can't?" said Ron stricken. "You just can't, you're wrong."

Harry looked at Ron with pain in his eyes, why did Ron have to hate Draco so much. "But I do," he whispered.

"No," insisted Ron. "You don't, you're confused."

"No, I'm not," demanded Harry. "And yes, I do!"

"No!" shouted Ron, as if saying it louder would make Harry more likely to agree. "You don't!"

"Ron," mumbled Hermione. "Hush."

Harry took a deep breath. "I love him," he said softly but clearly.

Ron shot to his feet as if he were about to physically attack Harry. "Take that back," he hissed.

Harry shook his head. "I can't."

"Ron, stop it. I thought we agreed you two weren't going to fight," begged Hermione.

"That was when I thought it was a crush, something he'd get over."

From across the room Draco's good mood trickled away as he saw Harry and Ron stand off against one another. //My fault,// he thought. //I'm like poison, like Voldemort. I ruin everything I touch. Even Harry can't change that.//

"Stop it, Ron," said Harry. "If you can't talk about this then we're just going to have to not talk about it. The subject is closed, what I do with Draco is none of your business. You're going to have to accept that or else we have nothing to say to each other any more."

Ron stared at him, Harry's ultimatum hitting hard. "It's not you, Harry," he said, trying to explain. "You're my friend, you'll always be my friend. It's him... why him?"

"I don't know," said Harry. "I think it was always going to be him eventually."

"What do you mean?" asked Hermione, curious despite her concern.

"He was always there, he always caught my attention, right from the first moment we met. He stood out, just not in a good way at first," Harry explained. "He was always an important part of my life. The minute he changed I felt it, that very first time I saw him on the train after this summer. I thought it was just the physical changes at first but I don't think that was it at all. I think a part of me had just been waiting for him to figure out he was on the wrong side and once he had it all happened so fast."

Ron had sat down again and now slumped over the table in defeat. "This is so wrong," he moaned.

Hermione put a consoling hand on his shoulder. "Harry," she said. "Please be careful... if you really care about him that much it only makes it so much more dangerous, so much easier for him to hurt you."

"That's my problem," Harry said with finality.

"Please, at least sleep in your own bed where we know you're safe."

Harry shrugged, he could give them that much. It was as easy to smuggle Draco into Gryffindor Tower as it was to sneak himself into the Slytherin Dormitories, although the Claudo Velum charm was more likely to be questioned by his house mates than by Draco's. "All right," he said. "I'll sleep in my own bed. Can we stop talking about this now, I'd like to eat something before classes start."

Hermione gave him a look. "You don't have any classes this morning," she said impatiently.

"I don't?" said Harry, he tried to remember what day it was. "Oh, it's Tuesday isn't it."

"Yes."

Harry wondered if he could get Draco to bunk off his classes so they could go back to bed, they hadn't got a lot of sleep last night. But he should probably just go take a nap himself, he'd see Draco at lunch or speak to him in Defence Against the Dark Arts later.

After that they seemed to fall into a routine. They would spend the day apart feeling tense and lonely, Harry would worry that Ron would never get over his distrust of Draco and Draco would gradually persuade himself that he could never escape Voldemort. Then they would meet outside Gryffindor Tower at 10.30pm, Draco hidden under the invisibility cloak, and spend the night together in Harry's bed wiping away all of those concerns. When Draco left in the morning it would start all over again.