The Marks We Bear

Friday Sept 19th

The next morning after breakfast they all had a free period and Hermione grabbed him before he could sit down in the common room. Ron was nowhere to be seen.

"I want to talk to you a minute, Harry."

"Um... okay, I guess. What's up?"

Hermione led him upstairs to her dormitory, which was empty.

Confused but curious, Harry sat down on a chair. "Is it just me or do I feel a lecture coming on? I don't remember doing anything."

"I'm not mad at you, Harry. I just wanted to ask you about something."

"Something that couldn't be asked about in front of Ron?"

"Yes." Hermione looked nervous.

"Well, fire away I guess."

Hermione bit her lip. "I don't really know how to put this so I'm just going to ask you straight out. Just, please, tell me the truth. You don't have to be afraid to, I won't think any less of you, I swear. Whatever you say, you're my friend and you'll always be my friend. And if I'm wrong that's okay too and I don't want you to take offence, please..."

"Hermione!" She stopped with a slight jump. "Just ask me will you, I have no idea what you're on about."

"Right... right." She seemed to steel herself, then she looked him straight in the eye and said, "Harry, are you gay?"

"What!" He leapt out of the chair, nervously stepping behind it and looking at her over the back. "Of course not! Why would you think that? I'm not gay!" But he was having trouble looking her in the eye.

"Harry, please. You don't have to be afraid to say you are. There's nothing wrong with being gay."

"I'm *not* gay!"

"But..."

"Why would you think I'm gay? I'm not gay, I'm not even a tiny bit gay. I fancy Cho Chang, you know I do! Gods, you haven't told Ron about this have you?"

"Harry, calm down. Don't you think you're overreacting a bit?"

"Oh and what? That means I'm gay does it? I'm gay cause I said I wasn't! That's just great. I suppose if I'd said nothing that would have meant I was gay too!"

"Harry..."

"This is ridiculous, Hermione. This is a completely stupid conversation. I'm going back downstairs."

And with that Harry turned and fled the room, but instead of stopping in the common room he headed on till he was outside and away from the school. Walking swiftly across the cold, dewy lawns towards the lake his head was buzzing.

//Where the hell had that come from? What had Hermione seen, what had he done that had made her ask him that? Did he sound gay or something, had she seen him looking at a guy, at Malfoy? Gods, had anyone else picked up on it? What if everyone was thinking it and she was the only person who had the guts to say anything? What if every time he looked at Malfoy they could all see exactly what he was thinking written right across his face? What if Malfoy could see it? They were probably all laughing about it. Potter the fag. Potter fancies Malfoy. Was that why Malfoy was acting weird? But no, Malfoy had been acting weird from day one of this year. He couldn't have picked up on it that fast. And if the Slytherins knew they'd never have kept quiet about it.//

But still, Harry couldn't face everyone yet so he spent his free period out by the lake till it was time for Divination. A thankfully Hermione free class.

When he got there Ron was waiting for him. "What happened to you?"

"Went for a walk."

"Hermione seemed upset about something, did you two have a fight?"

"No, I've no idea what she's upset about. I just wanted some fresh air."

Ron didn't look convinced but it was time for class to start.

---------------------

At lunch Hermione was still looking at him a bit funny but she didn't mention their earlier conversation and Harry purposefully sat them facing away from the Slytherin table so that he could enjoy his lunch without any unpleasant distractions. However the upcoming Potions class was making him jittery, three hours of Snape and Malfoy... it was too much to hope that nothing bad would happen.

He hadn't even sat down before things started to take another turn for the worse. Entering the classroom a little late, as usual, the three of them found little choice in where to sit. There were two seats together at the front and one at the back where the Slytherins, still a little uneasy at his personality change, had left a free chair between the rest of them and Malfoy just in case he should suddenly crack and try to take whoever was next to him along for the ride.

Harry tried his best puppy dog eyes on Hermione but she was obviously still a little miffed about him running out on their discussion this morning cause she frowned at him then grabbed Ron's arm and steered them into the two seats at the front.

Harry rolled his eyes and headed for the back of the class where Malfoy appeared to be utterly absorbed in his notes and ignored him completely. //Which is just fine by me,// thought Harry as he watched Malfoy out of the corner of his eye.

The class actually went comparatively normally after that, which is to say it was an unmitigated disaster as usual. Neville spilled half the things he touched, Snape took points off Gryffindor for the slightest error and Harry couldn't seem to read his own handwriting owing to the fact that sitting this close to Malfoy made his hands shaky and sweaty. As a result, half way through mixing his potion, Harry simply gave up and buried his head in his hands with a muttered, "Life really sucks."

A dry voice from beside him spoke quietly, "And Potions doubly so?"

Harry looked up from the desk. "What?"

"Having an emotional crisis, Potter? Or are you actually as bad at Potions as Professor Snape would have us believe?" Although the words might have fitted Malfoy's old personality, the tone and expression on his face didn't. He looked vaguely concerned, if slightly amused.

Not feeling up to an argument, Harry answered instead of telling him to get stuffed. "Can't read my own handwriting." He gestured at his smeared parchment. "Plus Hermione usually helps out a bit." He saw Malfoy glance down to the front of the class where Hermione was whispering something to Ron.

"Where have you got to?" he asked.

"Um..." Harry fished his memory and squinted at his notes. "I added the squid ink and the butterfly wings and let it simmer but I can't tell if it's meant to be for 5 minutes or 15 and I don't know whether I'm supposed to slice or dice... or possibly slit... the berry things."

"It's 5 minutes... and the juniper berries are meant to be squashed."

Harry looked at his notes again. "I must have misheard that bit."

"Are you sure that disorientation hex has worn off completely?" Malfoy asked wryly.

"Ha, ha." Harry hurried to squash his juniper berries before the rest of his potion over simmered.

Sometime later as Snape walked back to his desk after checking the quality of the prepared potions, Harry glanced over at Malfoy again. He waited till Malfoy glanced his way then mouthed, "Thanks."

Malfoy simply nodded as he gathered up his notes.

As Harry joined his friends in the corridor he found himself desperate to discuss what had just happened with them. But there was just no way he was going to say anything to Hermione about Malfoy after this morning and talking to Ron about him was kind of like discussing magic with the Dursleys. Not very productive.

So instead he stewed in his own thoughts. Maybe Malfoy was just trying to balance out the score after Harry had fixed his neck. He'd tried to help him in class yesterday as well. Maybe now that he'd actually done so he'd consider the debt paid and stop talking to him again.

But what if that wasn't it. What if his fixing Malfoy's neck had started some sort of chain reaction? What if Malfoy wanted them to be friends? The problem with that was while Harry knew that he shouldn't want them to be friends he inexplicably found himself very happy at the thought. Mind you the image his brain conjured up of him and Malfoy being friends seemed to involve an awful lot of wandering around holding hands and gazing deeply into each others eyes. He groaned aloud and slapped himself across the face a couple of times.

"Harry, are you feeling all right?" asked Hermione.

Startled, having completely forgotten he was walking with Hermione and Ron, Harry looked round at them. "Oh, yeah. Just... how do you know if you're losing your mind?"

"That depends," answered Ron. "Do you see little pixies that tell you to kill your friends?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Sometimes I wonder why I bother asking you anything."

"Ignore him." Hermione flashed Ron a look. "What's bothering you?"

Hermione had her curious face on again and Harry had a flash of panic. "Um, nothing. Really. Just tired, feeling a bit off colour today. That's all."

"Having to sit next to Malfoy for three hours would make me feel off colour too," said Ron. "We really have to start getting to class earlier."

The rest of the evening, and indeed that weekend, passed quite peacefully. No classes, no Malfoy and Hermione kept her awkward questions to herself. For a few days Harry could almost imagine everything was back to normal.

-----------------------

Draco mostly spent his weekend in the Library. He liked it in the Library... people kept to themselves in the Library and left him room to think. The Slytherin common room was too draining and annoying, in fact he was really growing to despise it. All that tacky plotting and sniping over nothing. Plus it was really damp and cold down there unless you were right on top of the fire.

But the state of the Slytherin common room was not foremost in his mind. Harry Potter was foremost in his mind. He had convinced Voldemort that he could be useful at school, getting close to Potter and listening out for any news as to what Dumbledore was planning. Voldemort knew Dumbledore wouldn't sit idle no matter what the Ministry for Magic ordered. He figured he had a few weeks before they would expect him to produce anything useful but in the meantime he had to make it look like he was doing the job. The gossip of the other Slytherins with Death-Eaters in the family would make sure most of what he did got back to Voldemort eventually.

There was only one problem.

Even though Draco knew he was supposed to be cozying up to Potter he suddenly found that he didn't just want to fake it, he really did want to get to know Potter better. And for some reason that made him intensely uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Pretending to be someone's friend was something Draco had a great deal of experience in, he couldn't think of a single "friend" he'd had that didn't irritate the hell out of him. He didn't make friends because he liked people... or at least he never had in the past. He'd made friends as his father had instructed him or as had suited him in his social climbing. The thought of hanging around with someone because he actually wanted to was slightly intimidating. He felt as if it might give that other person too much power over him.

What if he got too used to having Potter around? What if he had to turn him over to Voldemort... not that he wanted to, he didn't want to do anything that involved Voldemort, but what if there was no choice, what if it was him or Potter? Would he still be able to do it if he was Potter's friend? Potter's other friends were forever putting themselves in danger over him. Mind you he always saved them, maybe he would save Draco too. He felt a painful, hopeful ache inside of him. He could imagine Potter doing that, saving him. Even after everything he'd said, everything he'd done to put them down and raise himself up. It was just the sort of thing Harry would do.

Harry... he'd never thought of him as Harry before.

He'd hated him because his father had hated him... because everybody always talked about him... because his father always treated his every gain as proof of Draco's weakness... because he'd looked down on him from almost the first moment they met. Refusing the hand he'd offered him. He'd come to him as an equal and Harry had looked at him like he was scum.

Of course that was when he still believed every word his father said, looked up to his father, tried desperately to be everything his father wanted him to be. Now he saw his father in an entirely new light... his father was scum... deluded, power-mad and twisted and the words he'd said to Harry that day in Madame Malkin's and later on the Hogwarts Express had been his father's words. Harry had been right to look at him in disgust.

But now... Harry had said, that day on the Quidditch field, that it would take more than a few insult free weeks and a broom accident to change anything. He wondered what it would take. Somehow he felt that Harry wanted this too, that he only fell back into old dislikes when reminded. Like his instincts were against his learned behaviours. Draco prided himself on being an excellent judge of behaviour and body language and somehow he was sure that Harry wanted them to be friends as much as he suddenly found he did.

So he was just going to have to get over this silly discomfort over the idea of actually liking someone and figure out how to go about getting them to like him back.

Mind you the really odd thing was that the image his brain was conjuring up of him and Harry being friends seemed to involve an awful lot of wandering around holding hands and gazing deeply into each others eyes.

He really was going to have to worry about that sometime when he wasn't worrying about everything else.

-----------------------
Tuesday 23rd Sept

Tuesday was what Harry referred to as his lazy day, despite Hermione's nagging that free periods were for studying in not sleeping through. Both he and Ron had all morning free and as a result they could sleep till lunch while Hermione was in double Ancient Runes and Elemental Magical Theory. She invariably tried to wake them up for breakfast but was never successful. Harry and Ron had a lot of free time compared to Hermione who was taking 12 O.W.L.s this year.

They met her at lunch looking very well rested while she looked flustered and tired. They had a bet on as to whether she would have a nervous breakdown before or after the Christmas holidays, Ron was betting on before but Harry figured she'd hold it together till just before exam time... then she'd crack and transfigure all her teachers into field mice before running off to join a commune. It wasn't just that she was taking 12 O.W.L.s, it was that she was taking 12 pretty difficult O.W.L.s and seemed determined to get 250% in all of them.

Harry was looking forward to simply passing his nine subjects.

As Hermione ate her lunch distractedly while reading a text book and Ron chatted to Ginny about her day Harry allowed his eyes to wander to the Slytherin table and Draco Malfoy. Someone he had avoided looking at since last Friday. However with Defence Against the Dark Arts coming up again this afternoon his mind was turning again to the events of last week.

Malfoy was sitting alone as usual, not in a dejected way though. When he sat alone he seemed to give off this vibe that said, 'I choose to sit alone because I'm too good to sit with any of you plebs.' He ate with a strange mixture of efficiency and enjoyment, as if he really loved to eat but he wouldn't lower himself to show it too much. He was reading a text book too, but unlike Hermione he seemed to be able to do it without missing his mouth. Hermione kept jabbing herself in the cheek with her fork.

Harry envied his poise, just looking at Draco Malfoy made him feel like a scruffy, grubby, insecure child. It was both irritating and entrancing. Oh Gods... he'd just called Malfoy entrancing. Well, at least it had been paired with irritating. One step forward and one step back. And now we're dancing... oh dear. Dancing with Malfoy... slow dancing with Malfoy. Harry thumped his head against the table, eliciting concerned looks from Ron and Ginny. If this was what happened to his brain when he looked at Malfoy he was going to have to stop doing it again. Maybe he could eat with his glasses off, he didn't need them just to eat... unless he wanted to know what he was eating *before* he put it in his mouth that was.

Transfiguration and Medical Magic seemed to flash past and it was time for Defense Against Dark Arts before he knew it. Ron met him outside his Medical Magic class and walked him up, as they entered they were both amazed to see Hermione sitting next to Draco Malfoy and talking animatedly.

Harry headed over to join them, they were holding a seat on either side of them and when he got there Malfoy moved down leaving the seats either side of Hermione free.

"Potter," he acknowledged.

"Hi, Harry," said Hermione. "You better sit on this side, I don't think putting Ron next to Malfoy would be wise." Harry sat down between Hermione and Malfoy with a bemused expression on his face. "Where is Ron anyway?" she asked.

Harry looked around. "He was right..." He spotted Ron still standing in the doorway looking extremely annoyed. "Hey, Ron. Come and sit down."

Ron bore down on them a little like a charging red-haired rhinoceros. He gave Malfoy a thoroughly hateful look and then hissed at Hermione, "What the hell are you doing talking to him?"

Hermione was unswayed by his tone. "We just came from History of Magic. He walked me down, I asked him to help me save a couple of seats," she answered primly.

As they continued bickering Harry looked over at Malfoy to see what his reaction was to this. He was staring at the blackboard with a bored expression, twirling his pencil between his fingers. It suddenly hit Harry that this was an act. He stared harder at the boy next to him trying to see through the front and figure out what he was really thinking but before he got anywhere Malfoy sensed his intense stare and turned around.

"What?"

"Um... nothing. I just..." Harry fished for a conversation topic. "I didn't know you took History with Hermione."

Malfoy shrugged elegantly. "We have Arithmancy and Astronomy together too."

"Oh... um... how many subjects are you taking this year?" This was easier than he had expected and talking seemed to take his mind off thinking about... damn, almost anyway.

"Twelve, what about you?"

Harry felt very stupid all of a sudden. "Just nine."

Malfoy seemed to sense his embarrassment. "I guess you have a lot of other stuff to worry about though, Quidditch and stuff."

"You have Quidditch too," Harry reminded him.

"Yeah." Malfoy's expression seemed to darken.

"What?"

"Nothing." Malfoy looked at the door as if hoping the teacher would walk in.

"I may be better than you at Quidditch but you're still pretty good," Harry told him, assuming his expression was something to do with Harry always beating him in Quidditch.

"Don't say that!" Malfoy seemed upset, he didn't raise his voice but his speech became much more intense. "My father bought my way onto that team and we both know it."

"You would have got there yourself eventually," Harry told him, wondering why he was being nice to Malfoy again. Probably something to do with the fact that Malfoy was still being nice to him. It was really difficult to keep up this sworn enemies thing when neither side was doing any fighting, and Hermione wasn't helping any. Mind you, by the sound of the argument next to him, Ron was willing to keep it up for all four of them.

Just then Professor Hartlebury arrived and all conversation ceased as he began to discuss today's class.

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Wed 24th Sept

That morning at breakfast Harry sat in between Ron and Hermione. Strangely, despite the fact that he had also been talking to Malfoy, it was Hermione alone that Ron was not speaking to.

Mind you that was probably because during their argument Hermione had called Ron close-minded and immature and had insinuated that he was acting more like the old Draco Malfoy than Malfoy was.

Ron hadn't taken that very well and had told her she was being a silly cow and insinuated that she was only being nice to Malfoy because she wanted into his pants which he, Ron, thought was absolutely revolting.

It had kind of devolved from there.

Harry had gotten a blow-by-blow replay last night from Ron in high dudgeon about it all. He had listened politely and commiserated appropriately and wondered how he was going to reconcile the fact that he was ecstatically happy at having exchanged a few polite words with Malfoy with the fact that Ron was his best friend and he didn't want that to change. He understood Ron's attitude... well he sort of did, Ron did seem to be getting very overwrought over one conversation. But he knew he should be against being nice to Malfoy simply on principle. Somehow he just couldn't summon up the passion Ron had for hating Malfoy any more, all his passions seemed to be pointing him in another direction.

Hermione, if Harry knew her and he did, was probably in stubborn mode now. She'd make friends with Malfoy just to spite Ron, just to prove a point.

There was no doubt about it, this was going to get very messy.

As Malfoy walked into the Great Hall Harry actually heard Ron growl.

The day went on with Harry playing go between through Care of Magical Creatures. Then he and Hermione had Spell Creation together without Ron and he had a chance to talk to her alone.

"So are you and Ron going to keep this up all week?" he asked her.

"Don't ask me," she sniffed. "Ask Ron, he's the one being an idiot."

"Uh-huh. So what were you and Malfoy talking about yesterday anyway?"

"Just class. I was curious about him after what you said last week and I thought I'd talk to him and see if he had changed?"

"And?"

"He's not easy to talk to," she said thoughtfully. "About anything personal anyway. When I got him talking about class he was fine but trying to get anything else out of him was impossible. He'd go all monosyllabic and clam up. But he was... pleasant. Polite. It was kind of nice, he's so different from the other boys in our year."

"I'm beginning to worry Ron might be right about you fancying him," Harry joked nervously. He had sudden paranoid visions of Hermione and Malfoy becoming an item and him having to hang around with them pretending he thought it was great.

"Oh for goodness sake, Harry, don't you start. I'm not attracted to Malfoy, I'm just curious. And he's pretty smart, it's nice to talk to someone who's actually interested in their classes." Her 'unlike you and Ron' was left implied. "We have History and Astronomy together this afternoon and I'm certainly not going to ignore him just because Ron thinks everything revolves around sex."

"I know. It doesn't bother me if you want to talk to him."

"What were you taking to him about yesterday? I couldn't hear for Ron yelling at me."

"Nothing much. Although... he was kinda weird when Quidditch came up. He actually admitted that his father had bought his way onto the team, he seemed kind of upset that I thought he was a good flyer."

"You told him you thought he was a good flyer?" asked Hermione, a little surprised.

"I did say I was still better than him. But that's not the point. He was being really... I dunno... sensitive? It was weird. He seemed to pick up that I was embarrassed he was taking more subjects than me and he was trying to make me feel better about it. The guy is acting really strange."

"He certainly is... and speaking of people acting strange," said Hermione. "We still need to finish that conversation we started last week."

"We did finish that conversation," said Harry firmly.

"Don't be like that, Harry."

"Drop it, Hermione, class is starting." It was a cheap trick but if anything could distract Hermione it was the sultry siren song of academia.

After that they had Transfiguration then lunch then Charms, all with Ron, meaning Hermione didn't have another opportunity to speak to him alone until after dinner.

When Harry saw her bearing down on him with an intent look he quickly scarpered and spent the rest of the evening hiding from her. However when he got back to his dormitory that night there was a large manila envelope on his bed with 'Harry' written across it in Hermione's handwriting.

He opened it up cautiously and pulled out the contents. On the top was a handwritten parchment...

'Harry,

I really wish you would let me talk to you about this because I'm sure it would make you feel a lot better about things. You don't have to hide the fact that you are gay from me, it is nothing to be ashamed about and I'm sure everyone would be very supportive. You don't have to worry about anyone else knowing, it is up to you to tell them when you are ready. I started to figure it out last year but I wasn't sure till I saw how you reacted when I asked you about it. I have enclosed some reading material for you. I hope after you have looked at it you feel you can come to me about all this.

Your friend, Hermione'

Harry lifted off the parchment and gazed in horror at the pile of leaflets in his hands, reading the titles. 'I'm Gay and I'm Okay', 'Wizards Have Feelings Too', 'Coping With Being a Gay Teenage Wizard', '50 Ways to Come Out to Your Friends & Family', 'Everything You Wanted To Know About Being A Gay Wizard But Were Afraid To Ask', 'So I'm Gay, What Does That Mean?', 'Gay Sex... The Things You Need To Know'.

He stared wide-eyed at that last one... there were things he needed to know? His hand hovered over the front page as he wondered whether there were moving pictures inside. Then Ron's voice broke into his hypnotic state.

"What is that stuff?"

Startled, Harry almost threw the entire pile of leaflets up in the air. Which would have been a disaster of epic proportions. Thankfully he managed to keep a grip on them and quickly stuffed them all back into the envelope.

"Nothing. Just Hermione trying to get me interested in more classes. You know what she's like."

The mention of Hermione was more than enough to distract Ron from the envelope, which he hastily stuffed into the very bottom of his trunk. When he got the chance he'd burn it.

That night he couldn't get to sleep. Partly because he'd slept till lunchtime that day and partly because he was desperately curious to know what it was he needed to know about gay sex. Not that he was ever going to have gay sex cause he wasn't gay, but that didn't mean he wasn't curious about what was in the leaflet. Just for knowledge's sake and all that.

Eventually he gave in and quietly dug the envelope back out of his trunk then retreated to his bed and lit his wand to take a look.

He opened up 'Gay Sex... The Things You Need To Know', bracing himself for any moving pictures he might find, only to see nothing but screeds of text and flashy headlines. 'Don't Know? Go Slow!', 'Archaic Laws You Need to Know About', 'AIDS: Not Just the Muggle Plague', 'Condoms v Protection Spells', 'Oral Sex is not Safe Sex'.

Fighting the temptation to throw them all back in his trunk Harry glanced over the first few sections...

'Don't Know? Go Slow!

Just because you're gay doesn't mean you should feel pressurised into having sex straight away. Plenty of gay couples take their time or don't have sex at all. Try just holding hands and kissing. If your partner asks you to do something you feel uncomfortable about Just Say No.'

Harry skipped ahead to the next section...

'Archaic Laws You Need to Know About

There are many laws that apply to homosexual acts in the Wizarding community. As you may know the Wizarding Age of Consent is 15, however that does not apply to homosexual couples. The Homosexual Age of Consent is 21 despite many attempts over the past few decades to lower it to 18. The standard sentence for breaking the Age of Consent Law is ten years in Azkaban, this may be commuted to five years in cases where the age difference is minimal. Other laws you should be aware of appear in the 1659 Order of Common Decency Act. This act makes it illegal to commit homosexual acts in any location other than your official place of residence. It also states that if you are seen committing homosexual acts by a third party, even if you are within your official place of residence at the time, you have committed a crime. Test cases have proven that an animal, house elf or even a ghost can be considered a third party.'

By this point Harry had read more than enough. He wasn't even entirely sure what a homosexual act was but by the looks of things doing anything about his perverse fantasies would get him thrown in Azkaban quicker than he could say 'but I'm not gay'. Which he wasn't, so of course it didn't really matter. Thank God for that.

Harry lay awake for a long time after putting the leaflets away again.