Incurably Single

INCURABLY SINGLE: The Rita Skeeter Project

I, Rita Skeeter, have become aware of the increasingly depressing epidemic at Hogwarts - Incurable Singleness. And since I'm such a good person, and totally devoted to delivering YOU the truth everyday, I have decided to take up a little project I'd like to call Incurably Single: The Hogwarts Project. The following are actual transcripts of student's personal ads, which were broadcast thanks to the Rita Fund, over the Hogwarts loudspeaker. I am documenting this for posterity, as the students are now cured of their disease. All names have been removed for the protection of my job... I mean, their identities.

~*~

HELLO, STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS. *cough.* I guess I enjoy burning things in my spare time, and hanging out with my cronies. I'm quite smart, and good at devising plans, and I'm really, really, really hot. So you should pick me if you're hot too. So then we could go be hot together in a closed off, private, and secluded area. *Clears throat.* My daddy has a lot of money, and as soon as we're...uhm...rid of him, it will all be given to me. So, recap, I'm rich, I'm hot, and I have a lot of money. I'm also extremely good-looking, and well-to-do, as well. Call me. *Blows kiss.*

~*~

I don't know if this thing is on, but...I'll just go now, then? Okay. My favorite thing to do is Quidditch and I think I'm quite good at it. I mean, people sing to me when I play. I'm tall, and though I'm not the smartest crayon in the tool shed, I'm quite good at telling jokes and have been told I'm pretty entertaining. My team is the Chudley Cannons and if you don't like them, I'm afraid you simply won't fit the position. In fact, the only person really that will fit my position has large, brown bushy hair, is a know-it-all, spends her free time in the library, and has a really nice arse...I just said that, didn't I? And speaking of positions... *Mind wanders into the gutter and microphone gets turned off.*

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*Girlish giggle.* Uhm, hey everyone, it's me, and surely you know me, because I'm like, the most popular girl in the school and, surprisingly, I'm single, and I mean, it must be because all the guys are like, intimidated by my extreme beauty or something, because it's not like I'm hideous or fat or anything, like some girls I know - Ehmagawd! that totally reminds me of this one time when I went to Muggle cheerleading camp and my sister Padma like, gave us away, I mean, our being wizards and stuff, when she sent me into the air doing this really cool levitating spell which made me look like I jumped really high but then the camp leader sent us out. Anyways, you should totally go out with me because then you'll look cool because you made such a catch, I mean, it's not every day that..." *Drifts off, babbling incomprehensibly.*

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*Another girlish giggle.* Hullo. If you have found my pet toad Trevor, please contact me. Anyways, I'm a guy seeking guys - and if that doesn't work out, a nice manly girl would work, like Millicent Bulstrode and the like. I started knowing I was gay a few years ago, and only just came out, so if you're like me, and hide in the closet, come on out! Or on second thought... just invite me in, with you. *Wink.* I'm experimenting right now, so what you say goes. If you

~*~

Me want girlfriend. Ask fellow crony and leader Draco for advice with ladies. Me get no reply from other crony, he busy eating. Draco say, "You dimwit, go on announcements." So me here. Leader Draco tell me to. So me go. You want to? Be girlfriend? VOTE FOR ME!!! *Microphone switched off.*

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*Two boys laughing.* To any girls out there looking for a boyfriend, get two in one with - *microphone switching hands* - Sorry about him, ladies. What we meant to ask is if anyone shared our personal interests, which include practical jokes, pranks, drinking pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain. We're not much into meditation and yoga, and it's been said that we each have half a brain - making a whole one..? We also like to make love at midnight. *Mike switching hands.* Although we do have a younger sister who's quite annoying, sometimes she can be useful, like that one time, when.... *Door slamming open* YOU TWO!!...*boys' muffled screams* ARE SO... DEAD! *silence and an angry female redhead's muttering about how useless boys are, especially ones who come in pairs.*

~*~

Greetings, Hogwarts. You might know me, you might not. I am an older man seeking younger witches who are willing to do anything for a private lesson in Potions... *Microphone cuts off* "SEVERUS! NOT AGAIN!"