Harry Potter and the Adolescent Obeseity Crisis

Harry Potter and the Adolescent Obeseity Crisis

Seeing Ron Weasley jump on top of his cauldron, thrust his fist in the air, and bellow, 'We're not going to take it!' was quite possibly the oddest sight Severus Snape had ever seen in his classroom. However, he was even more surprised when another five or six students joined Mr Weasley in his protest. Snape sat down behind his desk in despair; this was simply the culmination of a number of grumblings and protests that had begun with the introduction of the new Ministry guidelines. No one had been paying attention in Potions for the last two weeks, and it was all the fault of that Jamie Oliver.

Watching Ron Weasley drum up support from his classmates, including a number of the Slytherins, Snape wondered what had possessed the Ministry to allow themselves to be swayed by a Muggle. It had, he had heard, all begun with a Muggle television show. Snape snorted. To think that Hogwarts was in a state of mutiny because of a silly metal box into which Muggles plugged themselves for five hours a day.

A particularly loud declaration jolted Snape out of his reverie. 'Mr Weasley!' he bellowed, rising to his feet. 'If you are going to insist on conducting a political rally for the Perpetually Dim-witted Party, might I suggest that you take it outside and cease further disruption of my class.' The protesting students, cowed by the obvious irritation of the professor, grew quiet. 'Good. Now that I can hear myself again, I want you all out of this classroom now.'

Shocked faces looked back at him before the inevitable hand went up. 'But, sir, we're in the middle of a lesson.'

'I am aware of that, Miss Granger. However, as most of you have no interest in learning, and I have no interest in teaching you, I'd much rather just deduct house points and send you packing. Therefore,' he favoured the Gryffindors with a glare, 'one hundred points from Gryffindor for starting this nonsense, and fifty from Slytherin for being idiotic enough to join in with it.'

'House points don't matter. This is a cause we're fighting for and we demand justice! I propose that we take this protest to the Great Hall.' A number of voices rose in agreement with Ron Weasley, and the red-headed boy led most of Snape's class out into the halls. Snape listened as Weasley and his mob began to encourage pupils in other classes to join them.

Looking over at the few remaining students, amongst who sat Draco Malfoy (looking very sour) and Hermione Granger (who was torn between following her friends and remaining in class) Snape glowered. 'There's no point in remaining. The lesson has been cancelled.' With that he swept out of the classroom.

'Well, Granger, going to run off after your boyfriend?' said Draco, clearing up his potions bench as the last students left the room.

Hermione looked up with a smile. 'Why? Are you planning on legging it?'

Checking that everyone had left, Draco sauntered over to where Hermione was leaning against her bench. Putting his hands on the bench on either side of her, he leaned in for a kiss. 'You know I would never run away from you.'

Hermione looked slyly at her boyfriend. 'In that case, I've been thinking...'

'Oh God, no.' Draco dropped his head onto Hermione's shoulder in despair. 'What have you been thinking about, dear?' he asked.

'I've decided that it's time we let our friends know about you and me. We've been doing this for four months now and I want to be able to walk down the hall with you. So I thought that while everyone is distracted with this school dinner thing, we should just come clean. What do you think?'

Draco looked at Hermione, 'Must we?' She smiled and nodded. Straightening up with a resigned expression, Draco offered Hermione his hand. 'In that case, let's go.' Taking the offered hand, Hermione walked out of the Potions classroom to face the rest of the school.

Meanwhile, Ron Weasley had gathered quite a following on his way to the Great Hall. He had drawn students from Arithmancy, History of Magic and Charms, and the word was spreading. By the time the crowd had reached the Great Hall, students from almost all the other classes had joined it. Pushing the doors open, Ron led his protest into the Great Hall.

'We're not going to stand for it! Are we?' he called from his position on top of the Gryffindor table.

'No!' answered the students clustered around him.

Ron looked down at the faces around him. All the houses were well represented; even the Slytherins mixed with the rest of the school. An idea came to him. 'The Headmaster and professors keep banging on about "school unity." Well I say that we show them what real school unity is about!' The crowd cheered. 'I say that we turn this protest into something more. Something that will bring about real change. Something that will give us back our school dinners!'

'The students are revolting!' Flitwick cried as he bustled into the staff room.

'Where have I heard that one before?' mocked Snape, earning him an irritated glare from McGonagall. Snape smiled at her before turning his attention back to heaping sugar into his cup of tea.

'Half my class just stood up and walked out!'

'We know, Professor; it's happened to all of us. Sit down, we're waiting on the Headmaster.' McGonagall gestured for Flitwick to sit in a chair next to hers.

Just then the Headmaster walked into the room. 'The situation appears to have escalated.'

'Oh, good grief,' Snape said, throwing himself down into an armchair. 'What have the moronic masses done now?'

Dumbledore gratefully accepted a cup of tea from a helpful house-elf. He took a sip before continuing. 'It would appear that a number of students, approximately thirty percent of the school, have decided to engage in a sit-in in the Great Hall. They say that they're not leaving until the Ministry's policy on school dinners is reversed.'

'You see! I said that this would all end in tears. We should have told the Ministry to go hang themselves when they first proposed this.'

'Now, Severus, Hogwarts needs to start moving with the times. The fact of the matter is that many of our school meals have in the past been rather unhealthy.'

Snape snorted. This turned out to be a mistake as he had just taken a mouthful of tea. As Snape choked and mopped up the tea currently streaming out of his nose, Dumbledore calmly popped a Sherbet Lemon into his mouth.

Snape eventually recovered and finished cleaning up the spilt tea. 'There was nothing wrong with the food. The Ministry has simply decided to get itself some good publicity. It's jumped on the bandwagon without actually thinking it through, just like every other scheme the Ministry's come up with.'

'Well, much as we may disagree with it, this is what the Ministry have decided, and we just have to work with it. So, does anyone have any ideas about how we can tackle our current problem?'

'Starve them out.'

'Write to their parents.'

'Give them all detention.'

'Reason with them.'

'Call Jamie Oliver.'

This last suggestion came from Hagrid and drew everyone's attention. 'What was that, Hagrid?' asked the Headmaster.

The large man blushed. 'I think we should get in touch with Jamie Oliver to discuss our problems.

'You're suggesting that we contact a Muggle to solve our problems?' said Snape incredulously.

'I don't see why not. He's the one responsible for our problem.'

'Hagrid may have a good idea,' Dumbledore looked thoughtful. 'Part of our problem is that the house-elves don't have any experience in cooking what they've been told to cook. They've never had to cook in the Muggle way, but the recipes they've been given were written for Muggles. So if we were to ask Mr Oliver to come in and actually train them in how to cook his recipes, that may solve the problem.'

Jamie Oliver was on a book signing tour in Canada when he unexpectedly and mysteriously vanished. Despite the best efforts of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, there were no clues or leads. It was as if he had vanished into mid-air. Devastated, his family could only wait for news.

'Let me get this straight. Wizards and magic are real, this is a school for wizarding children, and your government have introduced my recipes for your school meals? Is there anything else I should know?'

Dumbledore smiled at the confused chef. 'Well, there is the small matter of the sit-in protest currently being conducted by the students.'

Jamie introduced his head to the table. 'Forgive me; I'm finding all this a little hard to believe.' He looked up at the elderly man. 'Why have you brought me here?'

Dumbledore's smile faded slightly. 'Ah, well. The students are conducting the aforementioned sit-in in protest against your meals. We think that the reason the students are upset is because the house-elves don't know how to cook in the Mug... the non-magical way.' He leaned closer to Jamie. 'We want you to teach our house-elves to cook. Sherbet Lemon?'

'No. Thanks. So if I teach these elf things to cook, you'll let me go home?'

'Oh, my dear boy. We won't force you to stay here against your will. But think of all these children who are likely to never eat a decent meal in this school ever again without your help. You know that they stuff their faces with sweets almost every day?' He nodded at the young man's expression of disbelief. 'That's right. All those E numbers and sugar are given free reign in Hogwarts. In fact, chocolate is considered to be a cure for many wizarding malaises.'

Jamie straightened his shoulders. This was a problem he know how do deal with. 'Okay. Let's assume that I'm going to help you. You need to tell me what the kids were eating before and what exactly they're eating now.'

'Well, let's see. For their main meal they had the option of roast beef, roast chicken, pork chops, lamb chops, sausages, bacon and steak, boiled potatoes, roast potatoes and chips, Yorkshire pudding, peas, carrots, gravy, ketchup...'

'All at the same time?'

'And for dessert they had blocks of ice cream in every flavour you could think of, apple pies, treacle tarts, chocolate éclairs and jam doughnuts, trifle, strawberries, jelly, rice pudding...'

'Okay, okay! I get the idea. No wonder your Ministry decided to introduce new recipes. The waste alone...' Jamie shook his head in disbelief. 'You didn't give them set meals? You just gave them lashings of high protein, high fat foods and left them to it? Tell me, do you have a high level of obesity in the wizarding community?'

Dumbledore shrugged. 'I wouldn't say it was particularly high. Maybe slightly higher than the Muggle world.'

Jamie took a deep breath. 'Okay. Let's go meet these elves of yours.'

Dumbledore led the chef down to the kitchens and introduced him to the house-elves. The little creatures were very anxious to meet him, as they were most distressed about the students not eating their food.

'Okay, chaps. Why don't we start with the basics? What have you been feeding the students?'

Draco and Hermione stood hand in hand at the back of the Great Hall for a while, listening to Ron making speeches about the evils of the new school dinners. Hermione thought he was being ridiculous. Half the students in Hogwarts were overweight; it made sense to introduce healthier foods. Harry spotted her from where he was standing on the edge of the crowd.

'Isn't this great, Hermione?' he beamed as he reached her. 'I've never seen anything like it. The whole school must be here.'

'Not quite,' uttered Draco.

Harry glared at him for a moment before turning back to Hermione. 'Where have you been, anyway? It seems like you're always off doing something.' He paused as his eyes drifted down to their entwined hands. 'Hermione, why are you holding hands with Draco Malfoy?'

'Now I don't want you to fly off the deep end, Harry, but Draco and I are going out with each other.' She braced herself for the inevitable outburst.

'Oh, I'm not too bothered; there are far more exciting things going on today. Ron might be interested, but to be honest I think he's a bit busy at the moment.' Harry grinned at her surprised expression. 'If you want to date a twat, what do I care? It's your life and you only live once. Now come and watch. I think the professors are going to try and negotiate.'

Dumbledore stood before a crowd of hungry, angry students. 'I am pleased to announce that the school menus have been altered.' He waited for the cheers to die down before continuing. 'As has been explained previously, we cannot go back to the menus we had before. However, we have consulted an expert and it has been discovered that we had been supplied with the wrong recipes. It turns out that Warm Salad of Roasted Squash, Prosciutto and Pecorino, Pappardelle with Rabbit, Herbs and Cream, and Clementine Chocolate Salad are not actually recommended for school dinners. Instead the house-elves will be providing such basic yet tasty meals such as...' and here he looked at his notes. 'Super Vegetable Noodle Chow Mein, Lemon-roasted Chicken With Sweet Tomato Pasta, and Mediterranean Braised Lamb. I think you might find these new recipes much more to your taste.' Dumbledore looked over at Ron Weasley. 'What do you say? Willing to give it a try?'

Severus Snape had once thought that the oddest sight he had ever seen was Ron Weasley jump on top of his cauldron to lead the school in protest. However, he had since changed his opinion. Seeing the entire school sit down to a meal of Sweet Tomato Pasta with Clementine Chocolate Salad, and not a flicker of protest from even the Slytherins, was the oddest sight he had ever seen.

'Thank you,' he said to the house-elf who had just placed his meal in front of him.

'Winky hopes Professor Snape's food is pukka,' replied the elf.