Remus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging

Friday, August 28^th

8:00 am

Dear Diary,

Well, mum's gotten me a diary. I think she may have finally snapped. What do I need a diary for?

'Dear Diary,

My life is a complete fiasco. The concert is this weekend, and I can't even fit into my little sister's jeans anymore. I tried to slit my wrists, but the blood got on my pants, and I totally freaked. Needless to say, they're ruined.'

Does she think I'm some sort of turd? Good Lord.

Well, I've got nothing better to do, so I'll start writing in you. I'm going to have to barricade myself in my room, as some of my aunts are coming over. I think it is the Old's sad attempt at a family reunion. But then, they only ever invite the mad ones. I don't see the point in having them come over. All they ever do is gossip about Dad with Mum. I think they might want to snog him.

Which is quite frightening.

Still Friday

2:34 pm

Dear Diary,

I am surrounded by loons. Aunt Marge and Aunt Megan came over. Mum decided to take us to a stupid play, as a 'treat'. It was called The Sound of Magic. Apparently it's really famous or something.

It was really bad. There wasn't any plot at all, just a bunch of people in weird clothes singing, and an old creepy man with seven children. The main character was supposed to be 'very attractive'. Ha. What a laugh. Her hair looked like she puked on a possum and wore it as a sad hat.

What's worse is in the middle of the play, Aunt Marge burst out in tears, because the play was so emotional. (That woman is like a faffing waterfall! And of course, she cried out her nose, for the most part. Aunt Marge really does have an enormous nose. She's basically a nose with arms and legs attached. My entire father's side is like that. Thank Merlin I look like my mother.) Emotional?! That play was stupid. I'm never being daft enough to go anywhere with my family again.

I wonder if there is anyone in my family that is relatively sane. Well, there was Uncle Josh. He always gave me presents and played with me, and stuff, when I was little. I wonder whatever happened to him?

Oh yeah. He got sent to the nuthouse. Can't remember why...

Oh, yeah... he tried to snog my father, too.

Ah well, I guess incest runs in the family.

2:40 pm

Dear Diary,

That's quite a good joke, actually.

Saturday, August 29^th

7:49

Dear Diary,

Gah! I can't keep going around calling you 'diary!' That would be like, someone calling me 'werewolf.' I need a name for you.

Should I give you a fancy name, like Tannimerfannwhistle or Galaderwalderwitz? Or should I give you a simple name, like Angus, or ... George? But then that brings up another question: Are you a girl or guy diary?

8:00

Galaderwalderwitz it is.

Anyway, I need to tell you about my day. I got my invitation to Hogwarts earlier in the summer- did I tell you? It's so exciting! I can't wait. But then, with excitement, I begin to get paranoid. What if I don't make any friends? What if everyone just thinks I'm some useless old swot? What if they find out I'm a werewolf? What if I get in Slytherin? What if people poke me?

No0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o!

GAH! I can't think about this any more.

Well, I went to Diagon Alley today!

I'm sure you know everything about Diagon Alley, in your extensively exciting diary's life. I'm rolling my eyes right now, as if that statement did not have enough sarcasm caked on it already.

We went to the Leaky Cauldron, which is a creepy old pub/inn ish wotist. The person there, Tom, was the sort of person you suspected was very old, always had been, and always would be.

Then we went through the wall out back, into Diagon Alley.

That's a ridiculous name.

But it was not a ridiculous place. It was a ridiculously cool place. There were stores all over everything.

First, we went to Gringotts, which is a nifty bank run by a bunch of ugly goblins. I wonder if there are girl goblins? I mean, I don't think I saw any. If I did, I couldn't tell the difference. Maybe there aren't girl goblins. Maybe goblins just crawl out from under rocks, instead of being born properly.

Anyway, we went down into these tunnel things in a mine cart wotsit that threw us around really fast for forty years and made me feel lurgy. Dad then offered to by me an ice cream to make me feel better. Honestly. I'm not going to sit down for a sundae when I feel like spewing over everything. What a nutter.

Then we went to Oll- heck, I don't remember what the place was called. The place where people get wands. I'm sure you'd like to hear about it, but it was incredibly boring. I got my wand, 12 ½ inches, willow, and unicorn hair. It's all bendy. I was so proud that I got my wand... Mum got all wet about the eyes. For a terrifying moment, I thought she was going to cry. Then Dad said my wand was girly. What a prat.

Then we went to Flourish and Blotts, and bought spell books. Then we went... well, we went basically everywhere, and bought everything I needed.

After everything, we went to the animal place. We took a look at some pets- er, familiars that I might want. Dad wanted me to get a rat. Mum shrieked at them though, and Dad got all shirty with her. I wandered off to look at owls.

"Maybe you'll be interested in a toad?" Mum suggested. I thought they were utterly pointless, and I said so. Then she started getting all teary-eyed again. Then Dad tripped over a particularly ugly cat, and poked her in the eye, which made her cry properly.

That's when I saw him. A beautiful, majestic bird, his black plumage glittering brilliantly in the sunlight. I instantly knew he was the one I wanted. Looking back know I should have taken something else, because he only has the most annoying call I've ever heard (think a dropping bomb), but he's also a complete nutter. He seems to think he can hunt me, even though I'm five times as big as him. Or bigger. I really haven't measured. He is fairly large of an owl. Anyway, he keeps flying around and attacking my head, and eating my new quills. If I try to put him in his cage, he does his stupid owlly screamy thing, and I nearly get a heart attack every bloody time.

I still need a name for him. Hm....

9:00

Dear Galaderwalderwitz,

I have decided on a name! I shall call him, my wonderfully daft Sooty Owl, Nightwish.

He seems to like it. Nightwish started flying around the room hooting happily, then landed on my pillow, and shredded it up. Joy.

Midnight

Dear Galaderwalderwitz,

Two days! I'm so excited!

September 1^st

9:42 PM

Dear Galaderwalderwitz,

I got up at the break of dawn because I was so excited about school. Excited! But then... Paranoid! Gah. I forced Mum to take me to the station super early. Aunt Marge and Aunt Megan came to 'see me off' as well as Dad. Mum was just proud. I don't know why... I guess I'll understand when I have kids. Or when I'm completely bonkers. Dad just flopped around uselessly. The Giant Noses, as I've resorted to calling them, actually started crying. They said that they were really happy. But I know why they were actually crying. They're just sad that I'm leaving, so they'll have to get their own lives, as mine will no longer be around to ruin.

Oh dear. Now it sounds like I'm going to die.

Ugh. Now I'm creeping myself out.

Not that I really have a life, anyway.

Not with that crowd around, I don't.

I went to get a spot on the train immediately. I was going to take one near the front, but then my nerves got the better of me, and I ran all the way to the back. (Don't ask me how I managed to run, with a giant trunk, and Nightwish screaming his brains out at me. Sometimes I wonder if he even has brains, or if he was just born to annoy me.)

I opened the door to the back compartment and peeked inside. It was nearly empty, except for a boy who, from the impression that I got, looked safe to be around. He couldn't have been older than me, with his jet black hair neatly combed back, glasses, and he was reading something intently.

Of course, I was soon to learn that first impressions of people could be very, very wrong.

It turned out, his name was James Potter, the only reason his hair had been neat as because his mother put a long-lasting flattening spell on it, and what he had been reading so intently was a Zonko's order form.

So much for safe. But before I could do anything, we had spit-shaken, and I had given him (aka he had taken) half of the sandwiches Mum packed for me, so I guess that made us friends.

Whew. That takes care of Paranoia Number One. Hm... I should make a list of my unreasonable paranoia's! Fun fun fun!

Anyway, on with the story. Once it became normal time for people to come onto the brilliant Hogwarts Express (It's my best friend), Jame's hair was sticking up in one hundred and thirty different directions, and the bus filled up quickly. Watching through the window, I was glad I came early. It was really full on the platform, and I'm not good in crowds.

Apparently the Olds and the Giant Noses weren't quite so enthusiastic. I could see the Noses pinching the bottoms of innocent schoolchildren who ran away screaming, and Dad was taking a snooze. I feel so loved.

The train began to move. It was so exciting! Everything was exciting!

The compartment door opened.

"YAHHH!" I was startled. A dignified kind of startled. Anyway, there was another boy at the door, apparently getting on last-minute, and not having a place to sit. So he sat with us.

My first impression was that he looked kinda like James. Of course, we already had our conversation about first impressions. Well, his hair was longer, and he didn't have glasses, plus he looked more... something. Mysterious? Dark? I don't know. Something.

I had this weird thought that he wasn't bad looking, and if I was a girl, I would probably be madly in love with him right about now, even though he hasn't said a word except 'Hi.' Then I got really confused as to why I was thinking that, thought I might be gay, panicked, and stopped thinking all together.

Well, I'm not going to put you through every painfully boring detail of the train ride. All that's really important is that now Sirius Black is also my friend. I think.

The Sorting was scary. You get to sit on a chair, in front of the whole school, and... put a hat on. First I was really scared about it, then I saw we just had to put the hat on, and thought it was really stupid, then I got really nervous. Because I'm paranoid. Add that to my list.

Or should that just say, 'Hats?'

Well, 'Black, Sirius' (the one from the train) was put in Gryffindor. I dreaded when I would have to put on the hat. What if... something incredibly stupid happened that would embarrass me terribly and rid me of the friends I have, and prevent me from ever getting more? Actually, I can't remember what it was that I had thought of, but believe me; it fits all the above requirements.

"Lupin, Remus!" Was finally called by the stern teacher who looked like she was always cross. Professor Mc-wotsit.

I walked over to the stool, and my legs went all jelloid. I thought I was going to collapse on the spot. It's not that I wasn't trying to make my way to the stool! It just looked less and less appealing every moment...

But apparently I actually did it really fast. I ran over there and shoved the much too big hat over my head.

"Hmm... very interesting..." A little voice in my head said. It startled me. A lot. I think I mentally screamed at it for ages, because it scared me. I screamed at it for scaring me, for being in my head, for not warning me it would be there, for saying my brain was interesting, for being a hat, and eventually it yelled at me to shut up so it could read my mind properly.

Huff. Whoever thought of giving a hat brains was a gormless oik.

But I think the hat heard me think that, because it made an offended noise.

"Well... what you face every month... that makes you very brave..." The hat thought into my head. It's very unnerving, having someone else think in your head, you know. "You're also very loyal... hmm... very clever, you are..."

I think I my have started screaming at it to stop thinking in my mind again, because it suddenly shouted (out loud, this time,)

"Gryffindor!" I took the hat off and ran to sit by Sirius.

Luckily for me, James was also in Gryffindor.

I found myself longing for the sorting to be over, so I could eat. I didn't realize how starved I was until then. Of course, the thought "I'm hungry," came after "Gee, this goblet is really shiny," because that was when I realized I was staring at the goblet intently.

Finally, the last person was sorted into Slytherin (boo!) and then Professor Dumbledore stood up. He was another one of those people who gave the impression that he had been old forever. Everything went silent. Everyone was watching Professor Dumbledore intently. I think the fat boy across the table may have mistaken Dumbledore for a steak, as a bit of drool was running down the front of his robes.

Ew.

"Before we start our feast," Professor Dumbledore spoke, obviously missing the fact that he was being drooled at. It probably would have been flattering, if the fat bloke didn't seem so hungry. And fat. "I would like to say a few words. And here they are! Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!" Everyone laughed. "No, let's get to the marvellous food."

And we did. The plates and dishes filled up before our wyes. It was quite astonishing. I don't think I've ever seen so much food in my life. Well, so much food in one place. Er, so much edible food in one place. Stop looking at me like I'm a goosegog.

I know it's hard to believe, but once all that food appeared... we ate. Unexpected, wasn't it? Do diaries understand sarcasm? A diary with a fancy name like Galaderwalderwitz should.

We did a lot of eating. Everyone stuffed themselves silly. After that, I got really sleepy.

"Eating is hard work," I remember my Dad telling me, once. I wonder if he's dim on purpose? There's no way he doesn't notice it... or maybe that's part of his dimness.

Well, after the feast, Dumbledore gave a long speech that I neither care enough about nor have the wrist power to write out, so you'll just have to trust me that it was long and boring. And now I'm exhausted. Goodnight.

Monday

September 2^nd,

7:42 AM

Dear Galaderwalderwitz,

Wow. That was a lo0o0o0ong entry. Well, I guess I had a lot to say. I'm writing from the breakfast table now... oops, I think I got a bit of egg on you. Sorry.

Hmm. Just got timetables. First class is Transfiguration, then History of Magic, and after lunch, double Potions. James and Sirius are calling, so I'd better go.