You Asked for It

Ron: That was wonderful sex Hermione!

Hermione: What are you talking about? I spent the night revising! Fanfiction portrays me as a bookworm. Of course, that's when I'm not a passionate, lesbian, dead, kidnapped singing sensation.

Harry: Yeah, that's when I'm not a gay, straight, singing, hero-transvestite.

Ron: Huh? Is anyone here not a stereotype?

Malfoy: I'm an evil dominatrix.

Ron: How did you...?

Ginny: I'm a dead, kidnapped, lesbian, slutty slave.

Voldie: Really evil.

Lupin: Kind.

Snape: Biast.

Dumbledore: All-knowing.

McGonnagall: Strict.

Neville: Clumsy.

Sirius: Undead.

Lucius: Sleazy.

Molly: Over protective.

Percy: Ambitious.

Hedwig: I don't give a hoot.

Ron: Ok...

(Plot hole, in which a fair bit of time passes)

Ron: Ok so now that we've figured out who goes out with who in book 6... will you two cut that out?

(Tonks and Dobby pull apart sheepishly)

Harry: Thank you.

Ron: Where were we?

Filch: Harry was getting sucked conveniently backed into the time of the Marauders, while Hermione and Ginny get kidnapped, sexually abused, and then driven insane before being killed just seconds before Harry comes to save them just after he figures out single-handedly how to get back to the present.

Mme Rosmerta: Thanks.

Harry: Ok then, AARRRGGHHH!!!

(Harry falls through swirling vortex)

H&G: AARRRmmmpph! (Both get chloroformed by Lucius Malfoy)

Ron: Hermione!

Malfoy: Bring her back! I love her (AN: That's for all the reviewers who told me I missed out H/D last time)

Hedwig: Ginny!

Quirrel: She was going out with you too? What a two-timing mole!

Sir Cadogan: Unhand those beautiful maidens at once you cowardly- (Lucius puts Jam over his face)

Nelson: (from The Simpsons) Ha ha!

***

Time: Founders Era

Godric: I love you Helga.

Helga: I love you Rowena.

Salazar: I love my spoons.

Neo: There is no spoon.

Harry: What the hell?

Gollum: The trademarks are our precious. Nasty Lawyerses, trying to steal our precious. (Strokes trademarks lovingly.)

Author: Harry, I'm afraid I've sent you to the founders' time by accident. This A) is a mistake, so I'll have to send you through time using Hermione's time turner which she handed in at the end of book three so I've just made a plot hole, and B) I've made too much plot, which is not good.

(Author throws dead Plot Bunny corpses over shoulder)

Harry: Thank god. This place was starting to get to me.

Simon Cowell: I'm sorry Harry, you just can't sing, and quite frankly-

Harry screams and jumps in time hole.

Dr Seuss: Zippety Zappity Wippety Wole.

Harry Potter jumped in the time hole.

He's going to the Marauders, forwards in time,

My, isn't this, an awful rhyme!

***

Lucius: I am evil. Fear my evilness.

Voldemort appears. Lucius screams.

Voldemort: I am more evil. Fear my more-evilness.

George W. Bush appears.

Author: You get the picture.

Hermione: They are evil.

(To the tune of Skater Boy (sic.)

Ginny: She was a girl, he was a lamb,

Can I make it any more obvious?

He'd follow her, wherever she did go,

With fleece as white as snow.

She went to school, it was a mile.

The lamb was a freaking pedophile.

Hermione: SQUIRREL WITH A FLUTE! GET ITS FLUTE! IT'S ITS SOURCE OF POWER!

Squirrel: Toot toot toot!

Hedwig: Hoot hoot hoot!

Wormtail: O...K...

Author: They're just going insane.

Opium Banana: Kill them all Macnair, they're all against your cabbages.

***

Harry arrives in Marauders time. Sirius, Snape, Lupin, Lily, and the giant squid all fall out of the cupboard.

James: Ah! There you are Harry! Just in time to help me try and figure out what the Order of the Phoenix is before June 21^st!

Sirius whispers in his ear.

Ah! So it isn't a group of underground monks! Here Harry, become part of Marauders! This is Luney, I'm Prongsy, this is Wormy, and that's Padsy. You can be called....

(Tom Riddle plays drumroll)

Harry!

Forlean Fortescue: Gasp! The genius of it.

James: Yes it's true, I'm sloshed.

Dumbledore: Quick, here is the way for you to go back to the present, and stop Mrs. Norris from becoming a wereduck.

***

Hermione and Ginny die.

***

Aragorn!Madame Hooch closes book entitled Harry Potter and the Fanfiction Stereotype.

Trinity!Galadriel!Myrtle: Come Aragorn!Madame Hooch. We have many miles to cover to protect the Ftumpsh people from the giant space bees. Hurry.

*NSYNC member Sauron: No! Those crafty Potter Hobbits have beaten my space bees. I shall take Middle Earth using my spaghetti corsets.

***

Present day.

Hermione!Harry (don't know how that works): I am back! Now I wake up to how the 7^th book ends. ARGH! I've died in The Dark Arts! NOOOO (Angsty noises, angsty noises). My scar has gone because I stabbed Voldemort but then I died from Zemmiphobia, fear of the giant mole rat!

Author: If you're confused, tough luck.