MWPP Audio Diary

October 5^th, 1975

James: Sirius! You idiot! I told you earlier: last week, I was bitten by a Doxy, and this week, I ate the bad piece of chicken!

Sirius: Yeah, so?

James: So? You just told Professor Morgan that I'm still in the hospital wing, when in actual fact; I should be in the toilets throwing up! Now she's going to go and find out that neither of them happened and I'm going to get a detention!

Remus: Uh, guys?

Sirius: So, what's your point? You always get detention!

James: Yeah, but-

Remus: (waves his arms in the air) Guys?

Sirius: Oh, my, James? Are you going soft? (Puts on mock James voice) Oh, look at me! I'm James, and I've got at detention, and it's the end of the world boooohoooo!

Peter: (walks in) Hey, come on, that's not fair! You know I wasn't feeling well yesterday, and a detention was the last thing I-

Sirius: But I was talking about Ja-

Remus: SHUT UP!

Everyone e/ Remus: What?

Remus: It's on!

James: Oh!...Well, why didn't you say so?

Remus: (rolls eyes) Ok, anyway let's start.

James: Right, welcome everyone to the audio diary of us, the best four students to ever attend Hogwarts...Moony,

Remus: That's me, Remus.

James: Wormtail,

Peter: And me, Peter.

James: Padfoot,

Sirius: Aka Sirius.

James: And, of course, me: Prongs, or James...whichever you prefer.

Peter: (whispers to James) Are we really the best students to ever attend Hogwarts?

James: Yes. Now, we have decided to do this because: One, we're bored and have nothing else to do, two: we would like everyone in the future to know what it is like to be a fifth year student attending Hogwarts in the year 1975...and three: you can play this back in books about us when we become extremely famous in the future.

Remus: Yeah, right.

Sirius: Hey, he could be right, you know. I can see it now...

James: Here he goes again.

Sirius: No, no, no, just hear me out.

Remus: Ok fine. Enlighten us, o great one.

Sirius: (clears throat) Remus, I see you being the first were-teacher, and writing loads of bestsellers.

Remus: I can live with that.

Sirius: Peter...I can't really tell what you'll do yet, but a lot of people will know your name.

Peter: Well, that's something.

Sirius: James my friend, you are going to be the best England Quidditch player ever recorded with heaps of money and that sort of thing.

James: Whoopee! (Does a little on the spot dance)

Sirius: And myself...well, I'm going to be a stunt man, and do wonderful, never seen before tricks on my bike!

Peter: I'll give you a trick...Sit!

Sirius: (sits)

Peter: Good boy!

Sirius: Why, you little - (wraps hands around Peter's neck)

James: (tries to pull Sirius off Peter)

Remus: Right, now those weirdo's try and kill each other, I'm going to explain a little bit more about this diary. Each day...well, maybe skipping one or two, either one, or all of us will give contribution to this audio diary. We will be talking about what goes on here; lessons, parties, pranks, thoughts, and basically what happens on a - ow, that's my foot! (James finally manages to pull Sirius off Peter, who lands on Remus' foot)

Peter: Sorry.

Remus: - Day to day basis.

Sirius: Yes, and for this we have used a Muggle contraption called a....a...

James: (whispers in Sirius' ear) Voice recorder.

Sirius: A voice recorder, yes, I knew that. It has been charmed to work by magic inside Hogwarts, but still used in the Muggle way. And just in case you don't know how to use it-

James: (whispers to Remus) Two Galleons says that he doesn't know how to use it.

Sirius: (glares at James) Did you say something?

James: No

Sirius: Anyway, as I was saying; in case you don't know how to use it, erm...all you have to do is...er...read the instructions!

James: Thanks for clearing that up, Sirius. (Hold out his hand so Remus can give him his money)

Sirius: That's ok!

Remus: You don't get it, do you?

Sirius: Get what?

James: Never mind.

Peter: Ohh! I get it!

Sirius: Hey, how come he gets it and I don't?

Remus: Cos you're dumb, that's why.

Sirius: Oh.

James: Ok, so now we've got that out of the way, we can-

Sirius: Hey- I'm not dumb!

James: Yeah, you think that. Now, as I was saying before I got so rudely interrupted: we've introduced ourselves, and explained what's generally going on here, so we can start.

Peter: I thought we already did?

Remus: No, Pete, what he means is: we can start with the main part of the discussion now.

Peter: Oh.

Sirius: Why is it when he says something stupid, you act all nice and understanding, and when I do, you insult me?

Remus: Because, Sirius, you are just being stupid, but he actually is.

Sirius: Fine.

James: So, anyway, anyone got anything to say?

Sirius: I do, I do!

Remus: This better be good, Sirius.

Sirius: Ok, this is for all you stupid people out there: Never give up! No matter how much people criticize you, remember, Sirius Black is behind you!

James: Oh, Sirius!

Sirius: What? You said I could -

Remus: Oh yeah! Did you see that first year in the Hospital Wing the other day?

Sirius: What, the one with all the...yeah...and his face was...ouch!

James: Very descriptive, Sirius. What was it, what happened?

Remus: I was in the hospital wing getting my...you know, and -

Sirius: You were saying, James, about description?

James: Oh, shush.

Sirius: Yeah, but, when I -

James: Carry on, Remus.

Remus: So I was in the Hospital Wing, and I saw this first year completely covered in huge, nasty boils. They were all over his face.

Peter: Hey, that wasn't some first year, that was me!

James: Remus! How could you?

Remus: Oh, er, sorry Peter, I mustn't have recognised you. What happened?

Peter: Well, you remember that Professor Dippet said he wanted to see me?

James: Yeah...

Peter: Well I went looking for him the other day, but I didn't know where his office was, so I took the map with me, and I ...er...got lost.

Sirius: What? You got lost? With the map? Ha!

James: So what, Sirius? You could get lost in a box!

Sirius: I resent that remark.

Remus: Good. Carry on, Petey.

Peter: So, there I am, lost, and all of a sudden, it felt like someone was following me, so I started to run away, and I accidentally ran into an empty potions classroom, and into a cauldron of some sort of potion, and the next thing I knew I was covered in these boils! I screamed, and then Professor Fiddlehurst found me, and took me up to the Hospital Wing.

James: But you're alright now, though?

Peter: I'm fine.

James: Good...Hey, guys, I think we'd better stop this now, it's getting late, and I've got to go and see Lily.

Sirius: (raises eyebrows) Oh, yeah?

James: Yeah, I've got to go tell her, that no thanks to you, I can't meet her anymore, because I've now got a detention!

Sirius: Oh, so that's why you got so worked up before, it's because you wanted to go and see Lily! Oooh!

James: Yes!

Sirius: Well, have I got news for you...so does Lily!

James: What? She's got a detention too? With Professor Morgan? How'd you manage that?

Sirius: Ahh, secrets of the great mind cannot be told. So now you have me to thank for your detention all alone with Lily Evans!

James: Thanks, Sirius. Seems you're not so stupid after all...

Sirius: What did you say? Did you hear that? (Picks up recorder)

Remus: Sirius, put it down, you'll break it!

Sirius: But did you hear what he said? I'M NOT DU-

Silence.